After a number of years in support groups and on this site I constantly hear how we, the spouses and caregivers, are the very ones who are verbally and physically abused by our Dementia partners. Most of us marry and live for years with a lovely kind, caring person and then they turn into this hateful, judgemental, nasty cruel person. One minute they are sweet and caring and the next they are gone in the other direction and we never know who is going to show up from one moment to the next. Where did the other one go? How do we carry on and care for this other person that we no longer know?
In my case, DH was verbally abusive before the dx. About 15 years or so. He was "normal" to everyone else but acted like I was the bad guy. It was only at the dx that he let go and was back to his old sweet way. I stayed bitter for awhile after the dx. Had to work through that. But taking care of him was made easier by his being sweeter to me. I don't know what to say.
It is sad that the last years we spend with our loved ones are in such sad and or dangerous situations. But where do you turn. I guess that is the hard part. There is no where to turn.
Where do you turn? In my situation I've made it abundantly clear that I'll turn to a damn good divorce lawyer if things can't stay on a relatively civil path. I have no tolerance for horses or animals that can't act in a civilized manner. I expect the same from human beings - no excuses. I'm pretty sure the older I get - the less tolerant I become.
Having read numerous threads over my nearly two years on here, I have found that most of us love our partner inspirt of this illness. I said" how do we carry on" not "why do we carry on". I will be here for him not matter how difficult it gets. We had a great time in our years together and I will never walk away now that he is sick and things get tough. I just don't know where we get this strength to do it. I get tired and frustrated when he is mean to me but that's not him. I have to continually remind myself that is the disease. There are still special moments, and I treasure each one and try to shut out the bad ones. Because of all the great support from the gang here I seem to be finding it less stressful. My heart breaks when one of you is going through a difficult time and I do say prayers for you.
Jazzy, Guess my thoughts were a bit of a ramble. I think it comes down to… if they were sick with something else we would not walk away. And AD is an illness that takes away the best part of our loved ones. So we take care of them. Like I said, my DH was awful for years. But he was still my DH. I stayed because I loved him. And I cared for him to the end, because I loved him.They are our spouse, they may become a stranger of sorts but still our spouse. I don't know how I did it. I just did. I guess my love for him carried me through.
InJail, I have read post by others that said at some point you can't divorce them because they are no longer able to make legal decisions or take care of themselves.
I guess DH for some of us wives can also stand for "Dariling Husband". I had to make an appointment with our lawyer a few years ago and as I entered his office he said" I'm going to tell you something that most people don't realize but once he is diagnosed and is under care then there is no divorce as he may not understand. Any time we had to sign any papers he made sure Kevan was able to explain to him that he understood what he was signing and why. I think that is fair.
In may case my husband is almost 10 years older than I. He has basically been in poor health since 2003 but not diagnosed with AD until 2008. He used to be a type A personality--hardly slept, worked hard, very opinionated, and not especially kind to me. We had wonderful kids and the kids are what we focused on. Once they were up and out, he retired and his health started to decline. Never had a chance for travel or do together things that most people do. Now he is very compliant, says he loves me and just wants to be with me all the time. That was never the case before the disease. He had a brilliant mind and was into current events and sports--always knew what was going on--avid reader. At one point we had 3 daily newspapers coming into the house. Now he can barely find the toilet. I do this because I know if things were reversed he would do the same for me. Soon he will be moving to LTC because the ALF can no longer meet his needs. I look for an even greater decline and probably more meds. Last night they told me he was up 10 times changing his clothes and never slept all night. He is already on trazodone and I thought it was helping but now I wonder. I half thought about bringing him home but his sleep patterns would do me in in a few days as I need my sleep. When I look back at all the years with all the trips to the hospital, medications, placement, Medicaid, I can hardly believe I have come this far but I have. I guess that is how it works. You just keep doing it until-----
CO2, Your DH (Dear Husband) sounds like mine. He was 8 years older than me. He worked in the newspaper industry. On top of everything. So sad when his brilliant mind went. I still miss him so, so much. Even at his worst, before the dx I could not bring myself to leave. And after the dx I was so glad I stayed.
Mine was seven years older then I was and he very brilliant, an avid reader of world and local affairs, a sports follower, physically fit, tender, loving and husband until 2000 when things started to change. He led bible studies, sang in church choirs and barbershop choruses, he helped with prison ministry. By 2008 I knew something was terribly wrong and then in 2012 he was diagnosed and it really got bad. Now he is in long term care because he can't live with me. He said if we live together we would get divorced. He is fine around me for a few hours then he gets that terrible attitude. They said if I don't stay away more that he will put me in my grave. Not because of injury but because of stress and anxiety. He can be so loving and sweet then next thing you know he is off into that other attitude that is scary, but I will never walk away and I will visit and hug him and take care of him. If he sleeps over he has terrible nights so no more sleeping here. It's not good for either of us. I don't sleep well when he is here. Afraid? Maybe! I, like you blue , miss my husband that he was terribly.
Jazzy and CO2, Your post of your time frame is identical to mine. My DH is 9 1/2 years older than I am. He work for a major newspaper for 38 years. He started there at 18 years old and worked his way up. He was never mean, but was self centers. Then the personality change came. He was mean and self centered. Our girls were home then. He could be mean to them. Never physically with anyone. He was always mentally abusive to me. But I put a TV in a spare bedroom and would go watch it when he would start being mouthy. He always threatened with divorce. He worked for everything I could leave. We both worked out whole marriage. But he made more money. That's what he said "you made pennies". Womens said that they had gotten past the resentment. You can see I have not. But it is time to place. Trying to get that started and am having all these emotions. I know it is time. I would never leave him. I still love him. I miss my husband I love.
Jackiem29, I have been where you are with the resentment. For years after the diagnosis I was one angry resentful person. A lot of it had to do with the disease robbing us of a quality retirement and then having to deal with it all. My kids are supportive but in the end it fell to me--appointments, finances, placement all of it. My marriage was far from perfect but what helped me was to try to focus on the pleasant memories as all marriages have a combination of good and bad. That did help. Now when I see how helpless he is it is depressing because I know nothing will make it better.
He was so sweet and kind. He always told me" I love you and I will never leave you". Now he is critical and has said he would divorce me if he moved back home. He is unkind and has left me. This disease has changed him to a degree that sometimes frightens me. I would love to have him back as he was but that will never happen now I do the " dementia dance" side stepping and dogging all the ups and downs of this disease. One moment he is one person and the next he is the other. He has been very good since Christmas but now the change is showing. Back to being critical again. I'm told this can go on for twenty years or more as he is in very good physical condition and his disease seems to be very slow moving. He is doing much better since moving into LTC. I really miss him but I am happy he is there because I feel that my life would be hell if he were home. I wish he was mean there and nice to me. You know what they say" wish in one hand s**t in the other"