One more winter month down and maybe 6 weeks left to go. You noticed I said maybe.
The ground hogs in Canada say that we will have an early spring. I sure hope so. We got dumped on again.
I bought a toro electric snow shovel to do my little drive. It works great. My neighbour came over and made sure it was running right. His wife came out and we were like three little kids with a new toy. Great fun. Lots of laughing. I intend on sharing it with her as she has had back surgery and shovoling is difficult.


Hugs

Jazzy

We were all cloudy and rain so I doubt if a groundhog came out he saw his shadow, so spring is coming. Unfortunately, the mountains have very little snow. :-( Not good for summer around here where we rely on water to irrigate all the orchards, vineyards, potato and hay fields.

Petunias and cherry tomatoes sound great. The "wave" petunias are almost care-free. They don't even need to be dead-headed. I have had great luck for years with the "Sweet 100" variety of cherry tomatoes and last summer I grew them in pots. The thing about cherry tomatoes is that they are all vines, not bushes, so you really need to give them good support.

With outdoor umbrellas, as long as the base is a heavy one, you don't need a conventional dining table to support it. The look of lounge chairs with an umbrella in a base is very elegant - you see that in magazines all the time. I 'm also thinking of ditching my small outdoor dining table and chairs (now rusting in about 3' of snow) in favor of lounge chairs. Now that I don't have people over for cook-outs, I think I'd get more use out of a chair I could stretch out in. The only problem is that the lounge chairs might be so low that I would have to call the fire dept. to haul me out of them. I wonder if they sell lounge chairs with automatic lifts, like hospital beds or gurneys.

Good suggestion, Jazzy. In the meantime, I'm going to see if I can sneak a Hoyer lift out of my husband's LTC facility.

Jan - there is a lady in our RV park that has RA and rides around the park when the weather is nice on a 'trike'. She has a dog and that way the dog gets exercise too.

Jazzy - I live in E. Washington. Washington has over 850 wineries most are on the east side from Yakima south over to Walla Walla. There over 350 vineyards - again most are in the Yakima Valley and Columbia Basin area. They have been ripping out orchards to put vineyards in the last 10+ years. Majority of Washington Apples are also grown on the east side of he Cascade Mt range.

I saw Venus out my window a couple of days ago. I was leaning way out the second story window swinging my yardstick like a sword at the heavy snow hanging down over the eaves. Errol Flynn of Icelandia battling the snow monster. It was then I noticed Venus following the sun down. I was hanging out that same window a couple of days before that. There was a large hawk on the branch of the Honey Locust tree that is right outside my window. It was eyeing my bird feeder and when I opened the window and threw insults at him - he couldn't have been less concerned by my presence or my antics. I was suprised by that.

I did get some great photos of him though and I'm going to send the best one to the local rag. They put in a local picture every day and maybe one day I will see my picture there. Maybe one day I will go outside somewhere and take pictures. Not right now. Right now I have my paints mixed and I have my coffee and I'm smoking. The gray day with the snow filled roofs spreads out down into the valley. The roads are filled with cars doing their Saturday things. I can hear the college basketball game on the TV downstairs. I had chocolate eclairs for breakfast (real chocolate real whipped cream) which I bought at the Romanian bakery yesterday. I usually eat once a day but form always follows function - it never leads it.

Dianne is eating solid food again. She came out of palliative care twice now and had been on a minced diet for a month. Last week they tried solid food and she ate it. They're in lockdown. It's flu season up here and Dianne has it. She has a high fever again. My SIL after eight years just can't get past how awful what is happening to her sister makes her feel. I wonder why she insists on keeping it fresh like that but not enough to ask.

I was so low today with all this darkness and snow, that I had to drag myself out to see my husband. As usual, he was happy to see me. (I’m not sure that he realizes we live apart.) I took him to the rec room and bought us both a hot chocolate and after we drank it, we went to the lobby. I like it there. It’s a big bright room with couches (not just chairs), so we can sit closely together. For about a half-hour, I leaned against him and zoned out as he quietly talked his nonsense talk. Every once in a while he’d squeeze my hand. When I left him at his care unit for supper and went out into the storm, I was rested and refreshed. I know I’m lucky, at least for now.

I finally took the step and went to Aging and Long Term Care. Signed up with a lady to be case manager. She gave me papers to read, application for the VA and Medicaid. She says it doesn't hurt to start now. She also gave me the name of the guy at the VA to contact that should be more helpful than the guy who called me last summer.

I filled out the questionnaire to determine caregiver stress - should be interesting to see what she comes back with!

I am thinking more about just staying in the motorhome vs moving into an apartment. Since I would not be able to assist with bathing or toileting in here, he could be placed sooner. Time will tell.

Charlotte,
Hope things work in your favour. All the best.

We are in a holding pattern. My husband's mood seems to be better now that he is on Trazadone before bed and Ativan in the afternoon and sometimes at night. In the last month, he has only spent one night awake. When I visited on Tuesday night, he was sitting in a recliner in the TV area (where he rarely sits) with some other men. He gave me a big smile, put his arms around me, untied my scarf and helped me off with my heavy winter coat. He then led me to a bench in a different conversation area, left me there, and rejoined the other men in the TV area! The aides who saw this had a good laugh. I used the time to put away his clean laundry and to chat with another resident's daughter, whose father had abandoned her in a similar fashion. Later, a chair opened up in the TV area and I joined my husband. He held my hand and chatted happily about his parents and older brothers, who he thinks are alive. He does not remember his younger siblings. (God only knows who he thinks I am. For the sake of my own sanity, I don't try to pin him down on that point.) For the most part, he is happy and I am trying to enjoy this period of calm as much as I can.

Wolf - I experienced acceptance on a whole different plateau this past week "A" and I went to visit with my former neighbors from NY. We lived next door to one another for 32 years and our children continue to be best friends. My late wife and C were very close. They moved to the West Coast of FL, we moved to the East Coast in 2000.
This being her first time meeting them, "A" was quite anxious about how she'd be received. Long story short a great time was had. We're all getting together next month to explore Sanibel Island. Just one more illustration, there is a life post AD if you grant yourself permission to seize the moment.

With the snowstorm howling and blowing my doorbell rang for the second time already this year. I went to answer it and no one was there. Instead there was a bouquet of flowers between the doors. I saw a car down at the end of the drive and as I opened the outer door I thought I recognized the dark figure getting into the car. "Is that you Olga?" I called out into the blowing snow. "Yes, it's me", she called back and got into the car. Olga is the nurse I've been paying. She's retired and watches another woman for the son. We made an arrangement where she spends some of her hours watching Dianne. That's been going for about a year and a half. A loss of income for her. The white carnations smelt great, but the cabinet where the vases are was so full of dust I couldn't believe it. So many things that I ignore to survive the time. The dust on the glass vase had turned to grime. The wooden shelving in the cabinet was grey with it. One of the glass doors Dianne had popped out one day and I partially screwed it back in about four years ago. That's exactly how it was now. I have a lot to do around here.

I spent four hours today looking for my marriage certificate. No one has asked us for that for 46 years but now I need it to get part of her government pension. Alzheimers made it's first real impact as we moved in in 2006 and a dozen boxes had never been unpacked and were still taped shut marked 'storage' for the moving company. I went through half the house in the end. I knew it might be our wedding album that we'd stuck it into and I knew we'd kept a small black, metal box in the early years with important papers. As I worked at something physical for the first time in years I noticed that my arms have become skinny sticks and that I am ridiculously out of shape. It was after a couple of hours where I was finding potential boxes with lots of papers and moving them over here, empty boxes that were there for no reason over here and things were starting to slip out of my hands and this box lid kept flipping out as I tried to move it - that I had a fit and hurled a box of things across the basement and stormed out to have a coffee. Hours later I found that metal box and the marriage license was in there.

Last night for the first time in a while I remembered my dream in some detail. Someone had stolen my car where I was complaining that someone had stolen my other car here yesterday. I don't have two cars. I think the stolen car might be Dianne. I never lose my car in real life. At the worst in some other city I had the floor wrong. In my dreams I always and I mean always lose my car. I should have asked the psychiatrist that.

I'm angry today. I've been angry all day. I'll tell you another blind spot I know like the ones I mentioned on the other thread. Old people get confused about what they're doing because they get so deeply balled up in whatever's going through their mind right then, they hardly notice the thing they're doing or the thing that made them come here. It isn't that our memory is getting so bad. It's that the internal voices are so engrossing, we forget what we're actually doing. Ever hear it like that before? I've never heard anyone talk about one of the real avenues to mental health being learning to be more in the physical-world-moment and less in the vortex of thoughts.

She went so fast and shrunk down into a 120 year old lady but it was always her until I walked into her room and she lay on her bed and I saw her corpse with it's mouth and eyes open and utterly, utterly lifeless. I could never overstate that shock. Alzheimer's is a bastard and saved it's best kick in the teeth for the end. and now I've even lost all that. Pardon my language.

I'm not fighting Alzheimer's any more or maybe I am. I don't care what this thing is called. I'm going to rip out it's heart too and eat it - or I'm going to die trying. I'm good either way but never in the middle. I accept nothing. Come and fight you lazy cowards! (waves his sword menacingly at the heavens screaming insults to the devils until he starts coughing because he smokes too much and his mind drifts somewhere else)

It's not actually like that. Only weak deities fight battles with armies in reality. Strong deities make reality. I'm just an old fart. I can't even change reality. But I can change me which I know because everybody has done that in their lives that's been around for a while. I'm angry, frustrated, resentful, full of grief, and God knows what but I'm not moving in. I'm looking for the exit.

All I have is me, and time. That's all. I am here and it is now. That's all I have. That, the raybans, and my willingness to jump off the edge. Ok, four things are all I have. Me, time, the raybans, and my willingness to jump of the edge and face whatever happens. Five then. FIve things are all I have....start again!

Hang in there, Wolf. You will…Will…get through this. Take it one day at a time, just do what you need to do and take the time it takes. You have been through some very rough years…be kind to yourself. There are no rules.

Wolf, I'm not one of the frequent "posters" but I read almost every day. I do enjoy reading your posts and actually look for them. It will be one year I lost my husband, April the first. I was most struck by your comment that you were angry. I know that is one of the phases/steps of grieving but I was so surprised at my anger after my husband passed. I'm not an angry person by nature, but I certainly was after he passed away. I spoke to a friend of mine today and I really believe I've turned a corner. It's taken some time but most days are okay now and some even good. I am so sorry for your loss but as we all on this site know, at least our LOs are now at peace. I do wish you the same peace. Be good to yourself.

To anyone, when we're at a point we can think about ourselves we're probably in a fairly deep hole emotionally and we probably have to draw on our own internal resources largely. Too reticent by half includes two aspects. One is the insufficient range of experiences and life coaching we all need but few lives offer fully to emerge from the shell of what we have conceptualized about ourselves up to now. The second is the almost extreme lack of experience in argument, point of view, refereed intense discussion, and feedback from all of those. Some readers will immediatly react to the word argument but look at all western courts and ask yourself what both sides present. They present their argument. The courts know what that word means. Human beings think it means escalation in emoting. Because they don't have the life coaching to not let the requirements of solution be blocked by natural reticence.

Look, one of my jobs was CIO of a billion dollar company. I worked in three large company's all over north america. I had a career in finance, sales and marketing, and finally technology. I'm not guessing here. One of the keys in unlocking people is to spot the ones that can see more than their own point of view and can move their thinking to the greater solution - which may include aspects they don't agree with but which may provide agreement (and committment) by all the stakeholders with different priorities and goals.

I said unlocking people and I mean exactly that. You have to unlock the manager from the person's need to prove themselves so that they will want to take on new and larger viewpoints just as seriously. The success of the team as a whole. The success of the goal as a whole. Even better when they allow others to shine. Because now and only now are they material that might move higher again and can now be trusted to at least understand about the success of the actual endeavour - not just that person's viewpoint.

Your country bumpkin viewpoint just fell off a turnip truck. That's what I always told myself.

You have to work at a good marriage we hear. Could that possibly be because the endevour now includes two viewpoints and we have to stop just staring out of the little holes in our skull and think about theirs. It takes real work to be a decent mother. That's a lot of conflict you got right there and that's definitely for the good of the team and not just yourself. Caregiving. Qualifications coming out of your ears and nothing in life so far has unlocked these amazing qualities so that you can use them for yourself. Too reticent by half.

Charlotte, very smart thinking about staying in the motorhome and getting earlier placement. Same thing for me with the traveling Tiny House.

Wolf, I hope after giving yourself some time to grieve and regroup that you will find you have a great big, new life waiting for you. You are young enough to write new chapters in your book when you are ready. I have Mamma's ashes here with me also in somewhat the same setting as Dianne's. That may be not what some people would want but I treasure having some for of her presence here with me.

Been a productive week for me. Monday we drove to Portland VA for his neurology appt. She said he lost another point - think that would make it about 16. It was weird because he remembered things he usually could not answer and could not answer things he usually remembered. This time though he could not even remember the three words to repeat back let alone later. BUT - I did for the first time!!! I told the doctor that was the first time I did. She said she is not worried about my memory! I answered back I would not say that since my grandmother, aunts, mom, sister and brother have dementia. Anyway, due to the distance she said yearly visits would be fine or longer if the doctor hear seems to be able to handle it. She also said he has seen him long enough and trust me that we can probably deal with most things via the phone.

The 4 hour trip there the constant question was: are we going to see Dr. Sibert? I said yes, but it is Silbert. I told the doctor that and she said: I will answer to that name too!! By the time we arrived at my sister's a half hour later he had no memory of the visit. On the trip home the constant question was: where did we go? The dog rode in his lap the whole time - gave him something to do petting her. Got home with a 'sore' backside from sitting so long!!

My sister is progressing faster than hb. My nephew and his family that moved into the apartment at the house last September with the understanding to be there during the day while my brother works, bailed in January. We tried to warn them but my nephew said they visited her often and felt it would be fine. His wife was terrified of my sister. We all know 24/7 is different than visiting. So, my sister is alone during the long days my brother works. He has asked the guy that use to live there who gets along great with my sister to come visit - not live. Bro was telling me some mornings she is up, dressed and her bags packed before he even gets up at 4:30 to go to work. So some days he doesn't even make it in to work. She is wanting to go home. I told him being at that stage she should not be left alone but he does not believe she will take off walking on her own. He has a great boss who understands and is OK with him either being late to work or not going in at all. He called in sick on Monday which made my day because I got to see him.

I am crazily toying with the idea of moving back there. But first need to try to get my niece and nephew to agree to things. Right now they are looking to place her which my brother would fight "tooth and nail" even though he is burned out. I would not move until June though. I want to get my one year checkup before having to change doctors. Plus I need to decide if I can now handle two dementia patients. A lot to think about.

My other progress today is getting my colonoscopy scheduled. It is not until May so that gives me time to figure out how to get there and get home. Paperwork says it has to be a person, not taxi which I was thinking would be a last resort. Might have to make friends with some other woman in the park now that 'P" is leaving!!

Charlotte, When you say you are toying with the idea of moving back there are you talking about moving into the same apartment that your nephew and his family bailed out of in January? If so, would moving out of the motor home delay placement of your husband?

I have to hand it to you, you are able to juggle many more possibilities at one time that I would be able to do.

I see. It does makes sense to stay in the MH, especially since the bedroom in the apartment is upstairs. When I noted your ability to juggle different possibilities, I meant it as a compliment, not a criticism. I think it's good to consider different options and you seem to have quite a few of them.

Although I have worked in different places, I've always gravitated back to this neck of the woods and I'm comfortable here. But the unrelenting bitter cold and the constant snow have caused something in me to snap. I won't be going anywhere as long as my husband is alive, since he is settled into LTC. But when the time comes, I will probably move South if I'm able to. I have no children but I'll be leaving my sisters and a number of very good friends, some from as far back as the 1970s, all of whom are scattered throughout our fairly small state. So if that time comes, I'll have to develop some of your resilience and openness to new experiences.

I could not afford that - I'd have to sell my house to buy or rent another place. Anyhow, my husband will probably be around for some time, so maybe the thing to do is to take a week-long vacation next winter.

What would your plan be if your niece and nephew agreed to your sister staying at home? Are you talking about caring for her for just the short term or are thinking of taking care of her even after she needs complete personal care? Whichever it is, she is lucky to have you to help her.

Wolf, I just got the opportunity to use jumper cables here in Tennessee just last week. The temps were sing!e digits and DIL's van wouldn't start. I was able to drive over and "rescue" her and my 2 granddaughters. I felt pretty useful for a change! And, secretly kinda proud that i knew how to do it and it worked!

Wolf, thank you for the hysterical laughter early this morning. I'm still seeing the movie in my head of you getting the car in the garage. I really needed that today.

I don't do that all the time but I've done it half a dozen times. Most of the time it doesn't work and I stop before my driveway. I drive a Honda Civic 5 speed. Front wheel drive. The neighbours don't really enter into what I do and don't do. They can watch if they like or not. They know me as a nice man and the attentive catch on there's something unusual about that guy. The unusual are their own audience.

I just watched Nottinghill with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts. I haven't seen it in a long time. They came to the scene where she goes to his bookstore and says "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy" and...Niagara Falls. D*mn movies. I went upstairs wailing that "I get all this!" The emptiness right now is oppressive and the ability to have a new life seems beyond my grasp. I simply am alone and this IS my life.

My next door neighbour called. The 90 year old. They're going to Florida for a month and thought they'd let me know. I told them Dianne had passed away a few days ago and his wife came on the phone. "That's ten days ago" she pointed out. Yah, I guess it is. Snowbirds, and there's two of them now. Life is for the living I told them and honestly I'm happy for them.

It's thin gruel right now. It was thin before but it had a purpose and now it's just how I live my life. In all the years I've had home and all the imagination I have and I haven't thought of one new thing I would like to do. I can do anything. I mean that I genuinely want to and think might grow.

It's been a long solitaire and sorrowful road. I have never come on such a long road where so many times I've been beaten up and kicked into a gutter. Friends say what a hero I am but I have no choice but to die or keep getting up no matter how bleak and empty my life is and no matter how alone and beat up I feel.

I have to invent a life for myself out of thin air and while I can have some fun, it doesn't escape me that Robin Williams was making people laugh just a few weeks before he committed suicide. I'm not worried about that with any seriousness. I just know there is a wide range of unhappiness before anyone gets to that extreme and that my last eight years have been a nightmare bluntly. I've become house ridden mostly because almost every avenue of activity and companionship I had has been cut off and my state this decade means I have cut other offers off because I didn't have the cycles to sit with the family at christmas for example where everything else is normal except me.

The rubber I spoke to George about hits the road precisely here. I respect the clincial realities of depression and of grieving and hostage syndrome and so many other things such as the suppression of the self for years. They tore me up and spit me out in 2012 and while I've tried to say exactly how bad I feel now - I'm not guessing what day it is and I'm not walking by a mirror suprised I have a beard. Experience with survival counts especially when we're aware we do it whatever the moments feel like at times.

On this day Notting Hill and it's love scene made me sob and feel sorry for myself that my life is what it is. I'm having feelings and that's good I know. It does bring into relief the fact that it's good that I expect nothing because it's not bad armor and it's really sad that I expect nothing. It's going to take a while for my self to come out more after so many years of being squeezed into a smaller and smaller tube.

The thing is reality has changed already. It's me that needs time to find peace in this new quiet. And while some have a much harder road than I do, everyone's pain is valid. And like the long overtired parents all I want to know is when are you planning to move out?

I also think it's unconscionable that Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts looked that good. I still say that if I could pick who I think it would be best to look like it would be Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It or (my choice) Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice with an honourable mention to Robert Redford as Sundance Kid.

It's no suprise that I'm up and down. I knew that movie was going to do something. That's what I mean by fighting and by working. I don't protect myself and instead go into the pain. I'm not looking to protect myself and get smaller. I did that for almost a decade. I want to grow outward from here and in my own time I will I believe. Not tonight.