Tomorrow I move DHs furniture to his room. Then I will take him Thursday at 10am. They said I should plan on staying most of the day and eating lunch with him. They said for the first week, especially until I get back in town that there be only 4 go to people. These people can visit, but will be monitored, and if he is agitated or upset asked not to come. Well, they didn't want his mom as one of the 4. I told them this would make my life hell, let's try with her coming with me Thursday. Then you can see how he acts with her and make a decision. That way they can talk to her and counsel her on what to do, say, and not say. Well, my dad(because I thought good for a man), our daughter and her husband and their little guy, henry. They see him at least 3 times a week. He loves his grandson. He says they are nice people, but he doesn't forget Henry or their dog. I put my mom on it too, his family doesn't know that. He is very comfortable with her and takes walks with her sometimes.

Anyway, prayers that DH adjust quickly and is happy and oblivious to where he is. He had visited here 3 times. I have talked it up as a resort where he can excersise, spend time with men, and be waited on hand and foot. I won't have to worry about him while I am gone. I am going to the DC alzheimers forum. I hope to meet up with coco and Joan. We have our youngest daughter there. So adding a few days to visit her. I am excited, an nervous about the trip. I am ready to start being an active advocate for Alzheimers. I haven't been able to do this with DH at home. We have done the walk for 8 years to raise money.

I am hoping by going to DC it will give me something to focus on for the first week DH is in his new home. Our other daughter is going to spend 2 nights with me before I leave after placing DH so I will not be alone.


Will post how tomorrow and Thursday go. Hopefully I have planned by slowly getting him use to the place. But, I know you never know with this disease.

Jackie,

I'm so sorry for all the worry and stress you are feeling. Hopefully all will go well.
Maybe seeing little Henry will keep your husband's spirits up during the time you are away.
Try to keep positive thoughts - good luck.

Jackie, be sure that the first time the dog visits his/her papers showing vaccinations are shown to the ALF. I am sure the dog won't be allowed in without the papers but will probably be welcome. I am now taking a cat with me on most visits to my wife. We take the cat around the ALF so other residents can pet him (my wife likes doing it).

I hope it all works out for you and him.

Jackie
It sounds like you have a well thought plan for his adjustment. But, having gone through placement, I know he is not the only one who has to adjust. It was Soo painful for me in the beginning. Give yourself time...I think going to DC at that time is an excellent way for you to continue taking care of your husband.

I hope everything goes smoothly.

Myrtle,

I take to the alf in a carrier but then let him out and he is on a harness and leash, though I do a lot of carrying. As to hiding under a bed, that is upto the cat. This cat likes roaming around L's room, our other cats would hide under the bed.

Jackie I am hoping for a perfect outcome for you all, this is such a tough transition. Lots of love coming your way. And of course we will see you!! Just make sure to come up to me and say hi. Also, I will be doing the introduction of "the roll call of the States", so you will know who I am. Looking very forward to meeting you, safe travels, and keep your heart safe too.

paulc, I wondered if the cat meowed constantly but it had not occurred to me that he would throw up or poop. What a good husband you are!

Jackie, I hope the transition is going smoothly.

Jackie,

Sending my best wishes for a smooth transition for your husband.
Try to keep positive thoughts. Have a good trip to D.C. - it sounds as if your husband
will have good support while you are gone.

DH went to the memory care facility today. We went about 10:00am. I had his room set up. Took a lot of his clothes and his recliner and table by it. Last night he didn't notice his chair gone. Coming in his new room today, he didn't notice his recliner there. I had pictures of the kids and grandkids on the wall. He did not know who they were. I ate lunch with him. His mom came and left after lunch. I left about an hour after his mom. The nurse called later and said he ate 2 plates at dinner. That he needed to be cued on everything. Which I already knew that. I asked if he mentioned me. She said he did not. That hurt, but I am glad he didn't miss me. It would have upset me knowing he was upset I was gone. His mom called later and asked if he had missed her when she left. I told her the truth, no he did not. She was surprised he did not miss me. His mom said there are a lot of people there who talk better than him. I knew that.

When I got home I was numb. But when I went upstairs to put things away, it hit me. Seeing some of his stuff in the closet still. My DH has lots of clothes. I will go back tomorrow. They said that would be good. Then I leave Saturday.

I don't know how I am going to do being alone. My DD and her husband and grandson are here with me until I leave Saturday. When I get back it will be just me.

Where do I go from here and what do I do now?

Your job is far from over. You have a team of people on your team now to care for him. That is such a relief. You need to rest, get caught up on sleep and start taking better care of YOU now. You can visit him, love on him, eat a meal with him, maybe even pamper him some. Then you can go back home and let your team members help with the other shifts. You will have your hands full watching over him and being his advocate to ensure that he gets the very best care possible. There will be lots of calls/problems that will come up that you will need to be informed of/manage. You have done your very best with him at home. Now you have a bigger team of folks to help you. I am glad his first day has gone well. Also, so happy that you have support from your family. You are not a 24/7 sole caregiver now but are transitioning to his care manager. As CO2 said...one day at a time.

When you get back, as Aunt B said, you will be watching over him and advocating for him. I wouldn't worry about the food on his jeans, since it was lunchtime. But he should have been shaved. That's the kind of thing you can get after them for. (Or just do it yourself if need be…or both.)

My suggestion is that before you complain, you get some basic information - how often the men are shaved, whether you can arrange for extra shaving services, etc. Observe what else goes on for a week or two so you can get a sense of what's most important to complain about. Your daughter can observe this while you are gone and report back to you. Also, talk to the group of wives you mention. Believe me, they will know which areas of care are done well and which areas need attention.

on the contrary I would not settle if something in his personal hygiene is of concern. they are paid to make sure the residents are cleaned and hygiene issues should be addressed no matter what the ratio of aides to patients. ask for a protocol on his personal care and the schedule its performed, ie times and functions. how many times they take him to bathroom, when he eats each meal, when hes bathed and shaved and teeth brushed, if hes changed how often if incontinent, and if he gets a snack between meals or such. more stuff to ask I am sure. follow their schedule for a couple days and see if its actually done. if not write a complaint and make sure the person in charge over the aides in particular is given a copy. it doesn't mean you are making waves, it means you are advocating for whats a legitimate daily regime and request for a person who is totally dependent on others for his care. once they know you are watching things may improve. you are paying for these services and should get them. don't be resolved to just stand by, demand an accounting in a nice way:) at first at least! divvi*

My experience has been that the only thing that can change in this situation is my attitude and the way I look at things. DH's pants are always messy after a meal so I brought in old cloth napkins to put on his lap when he eats. I do his laundry because he has sensitive skin and eczema so laundering a few napkins is nothing. He also kept putting his paper napkin all over the table until I realized that he was trying to create a placemat. We always used placemats. So I bought some cheap paper placemats and keep them in his room. When I am there at mealtime I hand out placemats to everyone at the table.

If I come in and his pants have a lot of food on them, I change him. It is for me, not him. I also always try to toilet him when I visit because I have more time to sit in the bathroom with him and he is less agitated with me helping. My visits are somewhat timed to his bowel habits ( glad I didn't know that when we recited wedding vows 41 years ago!)

There is such a big turn-over in aides and nurses at these places that whenever you think one is trained or you have a contact, wham!, they are gone.

Every patient is different and it takes the staff a while to figure this out. For instance: DH would be groggy and very uncooperative in the morning and the staff had a terrible time getting his Depends changed and him dressed. Some days they couldn't. One very bright aide figured out that if she went in before he was fully awake, she could change him in bed and even get his pants on.

I put a small white board in DH's room that can be seen when walking in the door. I write notes on it because if you mention something to an aide, they may or may not remember it, or pass it on. DH's belt was missing. I wrote that and its description on the white board and the next day it appeared. They got stingy with boxes of gloves in the bathroom, so I left a nice note on the Board. A full box of gloves was there the next day. I always try to write "Thank You" afterwards.

I personally think shaving is important. Although this is totally subjective, an older man who is unshaven looks unkempt and sometimes disgusting. Keeping an electric shaver in the room is a help for the aides and you to give him a quick shave whenever needed. It will take the aides a while to figure when and how to shave. (Be sure you take the time to clean the electric shaver because that is not on any job description except your own!)

I also think that a bath/shower only twice a week is not quite enough, especially if the patient is incontinent. Policy is twice a week, so I or a private aide shower and shave DH every day. Yes, it is a lot of work, but it makes me feel better and perhaps keeps DH from getting UTIs. It also exposes him to shower water every day. AD patients develop a fear of water and several days between showers may be long enough for that fear to take hold.

Jackiem29, this is a huge adjustment for both of you. Pick your battles with the staff carefully; you want them on your side. For the most part, they are all over-worked but caring, and they are part of your team now. There are things that need to be corrected immediately like a five pound Depends (shows he wasn't toileted for hours). Start by asking how often they toilet him, then how he cooperates, and finally how you can help them to help him. Give them a few days to fix the problem before going above their heads.

The most important thing, though, is to change your thinking and give this thing time. What is really important? (mismatched clothes - no) (adequate toileting - yes). If you force yourself to be upbeat and pleasant with DH and the staff, they will respond better to you. Grit your teeth and put on that smile. Yes, the whole situation is deplorable, but this is what it is and the whole goal is to make it work for both of you, especially your spouse.

I have learned so much by watching the aides and the other residents and families these last 18 months. It has taught me that my standards may not result in the best care for DH. I have seen how the disease progresses and what the next stages are. I've learned how to talk to other AD patients, and that sometimes grabbing someone's forgotten walker and running it to them myself is just part of the gig of being in a dementia ward. Sometimes the wailing sadness of a lost soul breaks everyone's heart. I've seen the forgotten and the doting families. That world, that place has become my world, my place. I have new found respect for the people who work there and the patience and talent it takes to care for AD patients. They are doing what I could not do at home, and I am very grateful that there are people willing to work with my husband and others like him. It is not perfect by a long shot, but it is what I have to help me at this time.

I attended the forum in DC. I returned late on Wednesday. Yesterday I spent all day with DH. I was gone from DH for 5 nights after placing DH. It was so hard, being so far away and having to make this transition. It was suggested that I had only 4 go to people while I was gone who could visit DH. It worked well. My mother was great. She took on my role while I was gone. The only thing is she also took on the sadness, stress, and being his advocate. Then at night as I greived talking to her, she gave me support through my tears over the phone.

I called and talked to the nurses often. I was upset, when one nurse said she had made a call on changing his medicine. I told her it was down in the book the way it was because he had taken it that way for years. The reason I was upset, he had become agitated. I knew it had to do with his trazodone one being given to late in the day. She did apologize. But that did not make up for my DH's stress or mine.

Then things my MIL told me upset me. I have learned to just say what's on my mind to her. Again she was "that didn't happen at my house". I said well for months it has at mine and you are actually spending more time with him now. That's funny and I know that everyone who goes at first, will stop going as much. Just as they did in the beginning of this disease.

Everyday, I think I am going to bring him home. Everyday my DD and mom have to talk me out of it. I am lost and tired and overwhelmed.

I agree. Marche's comment was excellent. The last three paragraphs said it all.

I understand what you are feeling. I, too, had to place my DH in August. Those first few months were traumatic.
The initial separation was the very hardest. I would also visit every day and come home to my empty house and cry.
Many times, I questioned my decision...always wanting him back home. But, after some time, I realized it was not my choice. The disease forced it.

Safety of your DH and your well being are what helped me to accept it. That part is easier. But , I still miss him terribly. Unfortunately, he has been reclining rapidly.

Try not to wear yourself out. Easier said than done! I ran there every day for months and then got pneumonia.
The stress on our bodies, both physically and emotionally, lowers our immune system.

I still just went 14 days in a row until I stayed home yesterday. It is so hard to stay away.

Wish I had better things to tell you. All I can say is I know what you are going through. Sending you hugs?