Today, I visited a facility for possible placement of DH. I have been talking about it for a while. Recently I started having pains in one leg. I went to an orthopedist and they said I had a pinch nerve. But the pain seems to get worse at the end of the day when I am so tired and stressed from my day. I am having all kinds of emotions about placing DH. I know a lot of you here already have and are dealing with these emotions. The facility is a beautiful new one in our area. It only has 18 in the memory care wing. They have all kinds of activities, clinic, barbershop/beauty shop. When I went today and saw the residence that are there, it opened my eyes to the fact that the majority of them were better than my DH. Of course I am only seeing them for 30 minutes, so we know that is not an accurate view. But some that we talked with on my tour were able to carry on a conversation and understand what we were saying. DH cannot do that. One lady was putting a puzzle together. I asked if she was doing it or the aide beside her. They said she could still do that. DH cannot do that. The youngest person there was 67. DH will be 63 in May. I am so torn emotionally. I think can I really not take care of him? I have to start the shower, fix his toothbrush with toothpaste, shave him, and blow his hair dry. He is in the 80's era where men blew their hair dry and used a little hairspray, (haha). I have to cut his food up and show him where to sit at the table. He is beginning to have bathroom issues. I do not know if that is incontinent or not being able to find the bathroom in time. We have lived in our house 20 years. I have to dress him, he puts clothes on inside out and backwards and short sleeves in the winter. He paces and moves things around all day. There are a lot of other issues that he has. I guess just to say look at the Fischer Scale and he is definitely late stage 6. I told my parents today that it would be like grieving that he had died. Part of him already has. But, at least I have him in the same room. I wish that I did not have to make this decision. I really wish that he did not have this. I told my parents and sister, that I really want to know that they and others will visit him. This just really has helped me to write this out. I now have to have discussions with the children and his sisters and mother. They will not be the deciding factor, it is just going to be a courtesy and feel them out if there will be any trouble. I know that this will be best for him. He will have someone 24/7 and people to interact with. I just do not have the energy to do these activities with him. I guess I shouldn't say energy, but just not what I can do as a "spouse". When I went in for a tour, they asked if the person I was looking for was my father. I guess I will set up a time to talk to the family.
My dh is in LTC and so many people ask him why he is there because he presents so well, but they are not there when he yells and screams at staff and they don't see him when he is in his "moods" and can be so mean and nasty. They are not there when he has his terrible nightmares or when he is upset because the Doctor came at the wrong time. He is judgemental and has to have everything his way or look out. I miss him terribly but I can't look after him. I will end up either dead or in the phyiatric ward. This is very hard for you but you have to do what is best for you and for him. I don't know if it gets better or not as I still have lots of upsetting day. Do the best you can do. Remember; you didn't cause this and you can only do the best you can.
Jackiem29. I am sorry that you have to make this decision. Everyone says you have to follow your gut and your heart. The facility sounds lovely. This is a decision that only you can make. Just know that you are not alone in this. Word on the street is that it is important to place before your spouse declines to the end stage. Take it one step one dey at a time and know that we are all here for you to lean on
Jackiem29, I understand how heartbreaking this decision is. I placed my husband almost 2 years ago. The deciding factor for me was when he did not feel comfortable in his own home anymore. If it helps you to feel comfortable with your decision to place him, I found that the ongoing activities and structure of the facility helped him relax. While he needed anti-anxiety meds when at home, he did not need them anymore when we went into the Memory Care facility. He did not pace so much and interacted with the staff. Once he was placed, I told him we lived there now, because it was too hard to do all the housework anymore. I told him "your room is here and mine is 'down there'". He never asked to see my room and seemed to calm down knowing that I was there too. Prepare yourself for some possible push-back from family. Don't let them sway you though. You know the truth about his abilities. If your gut is telling you it's time, then it's probably 6 months late. At least, that's what I've seen here many times. Good luck to you.
Thank you all for the support. Fiona68, I feel that he isn't comfortable in his own home. He has to always check out the things in our closet. I guess to see his things. He must feel out of place everyday. It is on to the next step, telling the family. Not asking but explaining what a day is for him and me. Hopefully they will see. I do feel that I have waited longer than I should. There is no good time. I will need to keep busy once I start the process. That way I will not think about it so much. Or second guess myself.
Your husband sounds exactly like mine was when he was admitted. After a few rocky days, he settled right in. He has made some friends with the other residents and is for the most part happy. It turns out he desperately needed structure and he's getting that now.
When I joined this site and I asked for advice about how to get through the admission process, Wolf told me to steel myself. That was really good advice. So try to push aside the thoughts about how bad you feel. You can have all those thoughts after he is admitted (and believe me, you will). But for now, forge ahead like a brave soul. I also followed Fiona's advice. From the beginning, when I left the unit, if my husband asked me where I was going, I'd say to the ladies' room or to wash my hair, or to put the clothes in the dryer, etc., as though I lived there. I still do that and it still works.
As for his family, I remember your telling us what they did to you, which was inexcusable. I worry that they will try to make trouble for you if you tell them in advance but you know best about that. Please let us know how this is going and how you are holding up.
I would not try to explain to family and those that are not there supporting you. Just tell them it is time for placement. If they want an explanation let them ask. Just like we can not reason with our spouse, reasoning with people who have caused problems in the past is basically useless - a waste of time.
When I read your husband's symptoms it sounds exactly where my husband is. I,placed him in assisted living 16 months ago and was just informed that I need to move him to the NH. Fortunately it is located,on the same campus so,the move will be easy. My husband is 76 and like yours cannot do what the other people could in assisted living. They could read the paper, do puzzles and play bingo etc. my DH can do none of those things so he paces most of the day. There were very few men on the unit so I am hoping there will be a few more men now. Like you I was getting exhausted trying to find things for him to do and taking him anywhere was a real chore,for me. Placing my spouse was I think the most difficult decision I ever made but I know that deep inside if I had not'placed him I would have one foot in the grave by now. You must trust yourself knowing that whatever decision you make will be the right one.
I feel for you. I placed my husband five months ago. He also, although 66, was incapable of most of the activities and was in late stage six.
I won't lie and tell you it was easy. It will be heartbreaking but you will be saved by knowing you did your best. You have taken care of him as long as is humanly possible. You are still taking care of him by finding a very good place where he will receive excellent care.
Do what YOU feel is best. You will survive the hardest part, the initial separation. Take a day at a time. Hugs
I am so glad all of you are here. My DD's reinforce all you tell me also. I really need to quit worrying about his family. His mom is 86. I really, hate to say this, thought she would be gone before I had to do this. But she lives alone still and has all her mind. I am prepared to go to court if need be. But the facility said I only need the DPOA and durable healthcare directive. So I have those. They said that I could bring DH in for lunch. Do you think that would be a good thing to try?
Just yesterday he actually made a little sense when talking. I thought is it really necessary to place him. Then I asked him to take off his watch before bed, he started taking off his t shirt. It took 30 minutes before I could get it off him. The only reason I insisted he take it off is shakes it and it keeps me from sleepng. Plus he bruises and bleeds easy and he has a spot near it. Other wise it is a battle I would have skipped.
I have learned a lot from all of you. I have told my family that this would be my big decision this year. Then next I would look at downsizing. I also want to look for a part time job after a long rest.
jackiem29 - I placed my husband 15 months ago. He had been attending a day program so I asked the ALF is he could come as if going to a day care and sleep at home the first couple of nights. After the first night, our DD said, "Mom, he has no idea where he is and what home is. I think we should just move him in today." And so we did. You just have to be flexible and if the good idea doesn't appear to be working, move on to Plans B and C.
You don't have anything to lose by taking him for lunch. The worst is that he won't remember it or the new environment causes anxiety. The change will cause anxiety until he adjusts, whether you do it slowly or all at once. Just know that and that acclimation may take several weeks. Your heart will be breaking and then you will be asked to be patient while he adjusts.
Because you are the only one who can be flexible and make the decisions, you have to. This isn't easy, but it is necessary.
jackie29, What I'm concerned about is interference by your husband's extended family. I went back and looked at what you told us about these folks: Your husband was diagnosed about 10 years ago. In the last couple of years you removed his guns from your house and told his sister and his 86-year old mother about that. They took him on a trip and told him you would probably take away his house and his money, just as you had taken away his guns. Then they took him to a lawyer and had him sign a new DPOA, removing you as his attorney-in-fact and naming them. (Your husband's sister apologized to you later but his mother did not.) When you found out about the new DPOA you had to pay another lawyer $250 to redo the legal documents. You also got legal advice about whether you needed to get a guardianship to admit your husband to LTC. You have confirmed that the only legal documents you need to admit him to LTC are the DPOA and durable healthcare directive, both of which you have. You are now preparing to place him. However, because of the past shenanigans of your MIL and SIL, you anticipate they might raise some kind of legal objection, so you are prepared to go to court, if necessary.
Please think carefully about your plan to tell these people of your intentions in advance. I understand that under normal circumstances, most of us would give our spouses' family members the courtesy of advance notice. However, your MIL and SIL are not on your side. It's rarely a good idea to tell the opposing side what you are going to do. Not only are you inviting them to take legal action, even worse, you're giving them a chance to interfere with whatever peace of mind your husband might have. I can just see them coming over to your house to "visit" him and getting him all upset that you are going to move him out of his home and into a LTC facility. Why not just proceed with your plans and tell them about it after he is placed?
If they ask why you didn't tell them in advance, you have two choices. Tell them the truth - you thought they might either challenge you legally or undermine your efforts to provide a smooth transition for your husband. Or tell them a lie - you forgot because it all happened so fast / you thought it would take months but a bed suddenly became available / you know how much they care about him and didn't want to upset them / blah, blah, blah.
jackie29, myrtle has good advice. Has your husband been declared incompetent? If not, this is the time to do so and have the DPOA active. This will prevent him from signing off on another DPOA.
To be truly defensive, move in your husband before telling family. And then instruct the ALF who may see your husband and give written orders that no one may take him out of the facility. Someone I know just dealt with her husband's family attempting to take him out of the facility (kidnap him). They brought members of the family who were not on the "ok to visit" list. The relatives tried every way to get the nurse to allow her to take him outside. All of his family members are not prohibited from visiting him. But nothing is perfect, I know someone else who gave the ALF orders to not allow her husband to leave premises, yet the staff allowed his children from a previous marriage to do that and they took him to a notary after lunch. Cost her $5,000 in legal fees to get a judge to strike down that POA (it was clear to the judge that her husband was not competent at the time of the signing).
So it is worth a talk with an eldercare lawyer and paying around $5,000 for guardianship if you believe that defensive measures are necessary. But doctors signing off on his competency combined with a registered DPOA could be enough.
You are all right about these things. These are fears of mine. His sister and her husband apologized. But of course I still do not trust them. I see both sides, they will interfere if I let them know and if I don't I am sure that they will. I know I will not have an issue with guardianship. We have been married 30 years and He looks great. They can tell that I am taking the best care of him I can. The facility did say I could have a list of people who could visit. My oldest daughter has not been to her grandmothers since they did that to me. She is coming to visit tomorrow and I am going to discuss how to handle this with her. Our girls have seen so much in the last 10 years. It is going to be so hard on them too. But they tell me that I am the one who makes the decision and they will back any thing that I do. They visit as often as they can. The youngest one is married and in DC, here for a week at Christmas. The oldest one lives 1 hour 1/2 away. But she stayed 2 weeks straight at Christmas with her husband and our grandson (14 months old). That was so nice. I missed them so much when they left.
I am going to Washington DC in March for the advocacy forum. Our daughter there is going to attend with me. She did an internship with our state representative in DC. Hoping I have an "in" to get someone to really listen and help more funding for research. I am excited and nervous to do this. Is this the forum that Coco attended? . We are having one in my state on February 12th that I will be attending at our Capitol. I feel that doing this I am helping DH. Our other daughter that lives here will stay with DH part of my trip and my parents are going to help the other part. Unless I place him before I go, then they will visit him there. I will be gone 5 days. I added 2 days to my trip to spend time with that daughter.
Yesterday, I visited the facility I am looking at for DH for the second time. They had a tea for the residences spouses. That way they could get everyone together for support and really get it to feel like a community. There was only one man there, whose wife has Alzheimer's. The rest were women whose husbands had Lewy bodies, Alzheimer's. I was glad that I went. One other woman was there, she is thinking of bringing her DH. The men there are from 67-73 years old. My DH is 63. I felt like I was going to be sick just going to the meeting. I cried all the way home. I know he needs to be there. The man that was there towards the end of the meeting said "no one has talked about the guilt. How do I deal with the guilt." I don't think anyone had a dry eye at that time. They had a chaplain there to lead our conversation, but not mandate topics. They asked for imput for anything that we would suggest (activities or complaints). They have a meeting once a month.
I am going to start the process. I know that we discussed his family, and just doing it then tell them. I think that I would rather deal with it now, than when I have to deal with it and the emotions of leaving him there. I am going to start taking him there and walking in their courtyard, having lunch once a week, and see if I can bring him for a few of their activities. That way he will have been there before. The lobby has a several Hugh sitting areas. Looks like a 5 star resort. They have a cafe area. So I hope this works. Then I can tell him at the end of March whn I go to DC this is where he can come for his little vacation away from me for a break too. Hopefully I can get him to lunch with a few of the men that are there.
Jackie, all good ideas for getting your dh to adjust to being in the place and having it seem more familiar.
Our brief experience with a facility surprised me....because my husband was the youngest resident in the entire facility (58 at the time) the facility director made a huge effort to match him up with the men (no dementia) who played cards everyday and ate meals together. Rich was still quite functional, could play cards and was doing crossword puzzles so it seemed like a good idea. Well the men just would not accept him into their group. They ignored him and even made it difficult to sit at the table with them, so the director moved him to a table with elderly busy bodies who were more than willing to accept him and asked the most intimate and inapropriate questions. I felt like he was in the lunch room in middle school with all the gossip and drama. I only mention this so that in case it takes a while for the other residents to accept him, you will know that isn't uncommon.
LFL I did think of that too. That maybe like in school, these men had bonded and it might be hard to mix in. There is a woman who is going through the process of placing her DH now. So hopefully there will be someone else new. Isn't that funny how they form groups. They did say one of the women sits at lunch with all men. I am hoping that bringing him in prior to placement that they will begin to accept him. I know it isn't going to be easy. These are fears that until now never thought of. Thank you for that information. Good thing to watch for.
When I looked at an Emeritus ALF 2 years ago the executive director thought the dementia floor would be best for my wife. She said the residents there were welcoming. She was worried that residents on the normal floors would rebuff my wife. She said they could be quite mean and make fun of any shortcomings of others.
At the Sunrise and now at Copper Ridge my wife feels she is the most able and isn't too accepting of others (though it is clear when we show off the cat that there are residents she likes). I've talked about it in staff and she doesn't see others who are cognitive equals as being as capable as herself. Or sometimes the staff!
So sometimes being accepted by the more able residents can be hard.
Paula If you spoke to my DH, he knew more and can do more than anyone. That is if he understand anything you say or you understand anything he says. He has always been a person to talk to anyone.
I talked to all 4 children yesterday, and all were very supportive. They all said I had taken care of their DH to long. They had all discussed that this would happen one day. They were great. It was such a relief for me. I went against advice and wrote out a letter to his sister. I stayed on the phone with her as she read it. I told her that she could go to next visit with me. I know his doctor will say it is up to you, but it is time or last time. She asked me if there was an inbetween. I said yep I just did it, for years. Inbetween? I told her that the house was a safety issue. We have stairs a pool and live on a culdisac off a verly busy street. We have woods behind us. Anyway you get the picture. I told her I knew that this would kill their mother. But then I was tking to my step daughter. She said maybe we will not have to worry about grandmother as much. She will spend a lot of time there with dad. That would be a plus. She is 86 and refuses to move from a house on 5 acres. Anyway, so far so good. Calling place today, to see what I need to do next.
Jackie, Having already fought one battle with your husband's family, you know better than anyone how to deal with them. Maybe your husband's sister will become your ally in dealing with his mother. I just hope you do not exert too much energy on this bunch. Your children sound so supportive. I hope some of them will help you with the transition.
Don't worry to much about the other residents excluding your husband. Either it will happen or it won't. Nothing like that happened to my husband, who seems like he's at the same stage as yours. (To tell you the truth, I don't think many of the men in my husband's unit have enough going for them to form a clique.) He made one very good friend and is comfortable with a few others. I hope that will happen with your husband, too.
Thank you for supporting me. Talking with the sister is the only thing I felt like I should do. Now that I have they know where I stand. So I am going to proceed. If they choose to give me a hard time, I am going to ignore them. My children have said that they will take care of that. The children want to visit the facility. That made me happy that they are wanting to get involved. They also said they would help me move his things in when the time comes. I know that it will me hard for them. But they are being Rock for me right now. They thanked me for taking such good care of their dad. And that I needed time for myself after to rest. I am fortunate that two of them are step children and feel the same as their 1/2 siblings. My DH and I must have done somethings right.
If anyone can tell me anything that they needed answers to that they wished they had asked before the move. That would be great to know. One of the ladies I meet whose DH is there, said she would come when I had to fill the paperwork out. I thought that was nice. I might be to upset to think of questions. Since she already went through this she would know what she had missed. I am going to ask if I can take the papers home and read them first.
Jackie, One thing that I was unprepared for was the "advance directives" form. It was very long and asked a lot of questions. Even though I knew what I wanted generally -- no feeding tube, a DNR order, etc. -- I did not understand the ramifications of every choice I had to make. Fortunately, I had asked someone who was a nurse to go with me and she explained all the things I did not understand. If she had not been there, I would have been unsure about how to answer everything. Maybe you could get a copy of the "advance directives" form they use and if you have questions, go over it with someone who understands it well.
Myrtle. Great suggestion. I need to take my mom. She worked at the hospital and would e plain it to me better.
I took DH to the place I am looking at. He had no idea of what it was. Thinks it is a great hotel. It has a big lobby and courtyard. It has a dining area out side of the memory unit and ALF side. Also has a huge living space with fireplace. I told him we would come back when we were dressed better for lunch. I am trying to transition him. He will not remember, but maybe say we've been here before. He cannot read so did t know what was on the sign. We are going February 25th for lunch. So hope it continues to go well. He did not seem to notice that most there were older than he is. Of course they were from the ALF side. There are a few in mid sixties in memory side.
Why is this so hard. I know that I need to place DH. I went today and reserved a room. My mom went with me and DH. He didn't know what the place was this visit either. I am taking him on March 29 for 14 days. I plan on really moving him in after that time is up if he adjusts well during respite. When he is seeing other people in the house and just wandering around, I know it is best. Then I start thinking, I can't do this. I guess the guilt. Our DD said it upset her that he didn't realize what the place was. But then she said it is for the best. She spends the most time with him in our family, besides me of course. I know it is hard for her. She is worried about me after placing him. She asked me if I would eat. That she knows I cook because of him. Anyway, I don't know how I am going to make it through this part. Rambling.
Jackie, I don't know why this is so hard, but I know that it is. My heart is with you, and you will get through this part - and it is the hardest part to get through, in my experience.
Jackie, I agree with Joni. This is the hardest step. I know it was for me. Now that 16 months have passed since I placed him and I see him urinating everywhere and hallucinating and speaking in rambling speech I know I did the right thing. You will too. Yes you will have guilt. But it will,pass with time or rather it becomes less intrusive. You know he will not get better and you must take care of yourself. I went to the doctor for my physical and my blood work numbers were considerably better than last year. I do believe it is because I am taking better care of myself. As we all know care taking can literally kill you. Just stay connected and know we are all here for you.
I will move my DH to his new home on March 19th. I was going to do respite and see how that worked, but I think it is best emotionally for he and I if I do it permanently. The emotions I have been going through just at the thought of respite have been horrible. I cry at songs, looking at pictures for his room, really anything. He hasn't asked me what is wrong or understood when I am sick for the past 5 years. Now he sees me crying and asks if I am ok. He forgets a minute later, but it is nice he is concerned for a minute. I am moving his furniture in on March 18th. I am telling him that he will stay there while I go take care of our youngest daughter. I am going to see her and attend th Alzeimers forum in DC. This will give me a focus for 5 days. Hopefully, divert my mind from him not being home with me. It is time. He fell on our steps Saturday. He bruised his arm, leg, and back. He has missed the last couple before, but he fell about 8 steps this time. If I don't place him I am sure Alzheimers will take me first, but I am afraid that this move will. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It really is. I am placing him 2 days before I leave, Incase someyhing comes up. While I am gone our oldest daughter and my mother will be local if he needs someone. They will all visit while I am gone. Our oldest daughter is going to spend those first two nights with me also.
Hi jackiem, It sounds like you have carefully planned this according to your husband's needs. That's all you can do. It's great that you have your oldest daughter to help out with this and that your mother will pitch in.
I think the best advice I got was from Wolf, who said, "Steel yourself." That's what I did. I avoided the things you mention - I did not listen to songs or expose myself to anything else that would make me cry. I had to stay strong because I didn't have anyone to help me. I figured I could fall apart after the deed was done. The day before, I started to get light-headed so I called the geriatric care manger who had helped me choose the place and she came with me. Her calm, professional presence helped me enormously. It sounds like your daughter's support will do the same for you.
I hope everything goes well but if it does not, it will not be for lack of trying. My husband's move went fairly well, partly because of my planning but probably more because of his temperament and the state of his disease. Everyone is different. I'll be thinking of you and hoping all goes well.
Jackiem, after reading your first post, and all these responses I know that I too, need to place my spouse. He is a late stage 6, I think. The only things he does for himself is feed himself F, after. Place it before him.i cut up meat and so forth. He has been incontinent for a year now, doubly. He cannot get out of bed by himself, and needs help from most chairs. I do everything else, or have hired help to do it. My health is faltering. I've been going to chiropractor for Spurs in m neck and arthritis ,which is worse after pulling on him. Also I'm having trouble with both hands. I've had carpal tunnel sx in both, severe tendinitis,, trigger thumb, and right now my r hand feels sprung. I just have no strength in them. Can't even open a jar. I know it is past time for me to place him. Puzzle, no way! Bingo for him, no. I do think he would benefit from the interaction from others, and the structure . I am just so scared of being alone. I hope I can get out of this scaredy mode I'm in. For my sake and his.
Hi Ky caregiver, Your words struck a chord with me. My husband has been in LTC for nine months now. Whenever I daydream about bringing him home I remind myself that even if I could give him the same level of care he his getting, I could not provide the structure and the interaction with other people that he needs. If I brought him home I would be depriving him those benefits. It would be for my sake, not his. So I visit him all the time, make much of him, and do little grooming-type things that make him feel special and also make me feel better.
Your fear of being without your husband is understandable. Do you family and friends realize that this fear is the reason you are reluctant to place your husband? If so, maybe you should tell them and ask for their help. I'll be thinking of you and your husband as you go through this very, very hard transition.
Ky caregiver I to am afraid of being alone. Not sure how I am doing this. Everyday I look at him and just cry. I am numb. My mind will not stop. We went to his six month appointment today. His mom now knows what I am planning. She is in shock and still some denial. She said she could take care of him when I go out of town. She is 86. She knows down deep she cannot. I cannot even put into words what I am feeling. I found today I had to comfort her. I don't think she knows what this is doing to me. Found out he has a cracked rib from his fall on the stairs. It could have been so much worse. With it warming up outside, I am not going to be able to keep him safe. I know he will be around people who can watch him 24/7. I get so tired that I find he has been up at night and I didnt know it. I have alarms on the doors, but what if he falls down the stairs again. People keep asking me if I am afraid staying by myself. Well, YES! I have never liked being by myself. I haven't done it often. I don't like coming into an empty house after dark. I am the person who checks every closet, under beds, in showers. I know, a little extreme. Not sure how I will manage this. Luckily my sister is a mile up the road. I told her I may be knocking on her door a lot at night.
I now have 8 days until I move him! I hope I don't change my mind. Everyday I know I have to do this. The kids keep telling me I am doing the right thing. I know I am. Just rambling now.
My thought and prayers are with you as you make this decision. As others have said, I probably have waited longer than I should have.
I know everyone is here to help us through this.
Myrtle. Thank you for that post. I know this is best for him. That's what I have to think of.
My heart goes out to you as you await placement. You will get through this but it will be very hard. I placed my DH six months ago and it was one of the most painful things I have ever done. But, now I know if was the best thing to follow.
Yes, I hate to live alone. But that has even gotten better. We are stronger than we think!
I hope your transition goes well. As much as I dreaded moving my DH, he adjusted so quickly it was amazing. He had no sense of time, and when I said see you later, he was fine. He decided he worked there. He also thought the dining room was a restaurant and he was getting away with something by not paying. The adjustment was much harder for me than him. I hope it is a good nursing facility so your visiting can be quality time. I hope once you get some rest, your visits can be enjoyable. There is still good quality time you can spend together. His world is contracting and he will be much better off in a smaller space with less "stuff". I really had never considered that the house and all his stuff was actually hard on him, that less was much more manageable for his state of mind. He was an artist and musician, and they let him have a table in his room to work on his drawings and some of his instruments. Mostly he needed a TV and something to play music on, and some picture books since he couldn't read anymore. A bedcover he liked, and a couple of pictures for the wall and a photo album to look at with him. Hoping this goes as easily as possible for both of you.
So an update. Some of you know the issues I have had with my DH's family. Especially his mom. I talked to his sisters and our kids about placing DH. We all decided we needed to talk to his mom together. That is hard since so many are out of town. DH's sister and I decided best if we wait until his 6 month visit, with a social worker there. I am going to the forum in DC. So I was just going to place him for respite at that time. His mom is 86 years old. She did keep him a few days two years ago. Well, he has declined so much in 2 years and many things have happened when he was at her house. She fell, he tried to pick her up and he fell. He did not know how to call 911. He fell at her house a couple of times. I was always reluctant to let him stay at her house. The sisters tried to talk to her a week ago. When she came to get him for a couple of hours I told her if you need me call me. She said I can take care of him we will be fine, said sharply. So she knew what was going on. The social worker took her and I in a room. His sister sat with DH. She said I will take care of him while you are gone. The social asked me what I had planned. I told her she could not take care of him now, it is not safe for her or him. She said well you will be gone 5 days. I said no respite is 14 days. Then she asked what I had planned after that. I told her, he would stay. She said that I always made decisions without letting her know. This time I waited to tell her because of her health and how it would hit her. It wouldn't have mattered when I told her. Our oldest daughter will not talk to her. The reason for that is her taking DH to revoke my POA. She also told him I removed the guns from the house. She lied and denied it all. My DH's sister and husband apologized 2 years ago for doing that. So if nothing happened why did they apologize? Well, it did not go well. She is now playing the upset card with all of DH's siblings. Not once has anyone asked how I am doing. I have been in tears for 8 years. All day today. I have a week with my DH home and then he will go. I didn't have to give her this courtesy. I did what I thought was right. Where were all these people helping me and giving me a break for the past years? Not here. They didn't want to take him to the beach with them because they knew they couldn't do it, or didn't want to do it.
my DH fell on the stairs last Saturday. He has cracked his 9th rib. He has fallen before but nothing happened. I called her to tell her about the rib, and she would not answer. So I guess she doesn't want to talk to me now. You would think she would be worried about him and how it was healing. She is playing this card to the hilt! She is selfish and does not want what is best for him. She had to mention that she changed her will the other day because of his condition. I don't want anything from her. I could care less. But a slap to the face for a daughter n law who has been in the family for 30 years and helped her so much when her kids didn't. Guess I was never a member of her family.
I don't know what I am looking for here, just needed to post.
Jackie, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty in terms of being a good d-i-l and a good relative to your DH's side of the family. You have extended far more courtesy than you really needed to--which says a lot about your own character and family values. I would not give your mother-in-law and the unsupportive relatives a second thought. You are the stand-up person who is there for your spouse--making the difficult decisions, struggling to develop and implement a safe plan for him--I would not give his mother and these other relatives one more minute of your time and worry. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to his mother and his family, but frankly, they can all jump out the window. Take care of your husband and yourself and let the ones who don't help and just cause problems go pound salt.
jackiem29, By expecting courtesy and consideration from your mother-in-law, you’re asking her for something she cannot give you. The same goes for her children, who despite their ages are probably still being manipulated by her. If you keep expecting something they are not able to give, you’ll be continually disappointed.
I’m very glad that your oldest daughter will be in charge of your husband while you’re gone. She is clearly not fooled one bit by her grandmother and it sounds like she is fully capable of dealing with anything your mother-in-law might try after your husband is admitted.
Try to put these people out of your head. Go to the Forum and use your mind and spirit for the constructive purposes they were meant for.
Thank you Elizabeth. All of you are supportive and truly understand this terrible journey we are all going through. I don't know what I would do without this site.
jackiem, I hope my description of your in-laws did not offend you. (I tried to be nice. Before I posted my comment, I re-read what I wrote and deleted the words, "pigheaded," "rude," "malicious," "arrogant," and "thoughtless.")
I saw your post about the broken rib on the other thread. My husband fell on Feb 19th and broke ribs 9 and 10 on the right side. Since he is in a LTC facility that uses a portable X-ray machine, they tried to get an X-ray that night. All he had to do was to sit in a chair but he would not cooperate. So they had to wait to take the X-ray until I came in the next morning. He was in a lot of pain and has been taking Tramadol (Ultram). He is starting to feel better although he still has twinges. I hope your husband is not in too much pain.
Also, as far as people being clueless, one thing I can tell you is that the staff in your husband's facility are unlikely to ask you if you read, "Still Alice." Although their individual personalities vary, they too, "get it."
Myrtle You did not offend me. My words would be a lot worse. You could have used those. My step son actually called her "with all due respect, she can be a battleax".
The people at this facillity I can tell get it. If any had asked me about that book when I have gone to visit, I would have walked.
I am having trouble going to sleep. I wish I was a braver person and could say what I really thought to her. But the only reason I don't is DH. That is the only reason I have been nice to her for over thirty years. I will have the people at the facillity watch to see if he is more agitated after she visits. And she will not be allowed to take him off the premises or will anyone else but me and our oldest daughter.
My DH use to say I don't want to make you mad to often. You only take so much and then you don't have anything to do with who hurt you. He is right. But I give way to many chances. I would never right him or the kids off. I would do anything for them.
I think you're right not to get into a confrontation with your husband's mother. You would just feel bad about it later. But I would certainly keep her at arms' length.
Battle-axe! I love it - why didn't I think of that one? I envy you those loyal and supportive children. When my father had AD in the 1980s, my sisters and I stuck by our mother the way your kids are sticking by you. It was hard for all of us but it showed us how strong we were as a family.
I would do anything for my husband, too. I never understood that before but this experience has made me realize that he is everything to me and I will stick with him until the bitter end. Other people often don't understand that.
I have not yet experienced what you are going through, Jackie, & my MIL is long gone. Dan has only one older sister left. In my opinion, you are the one with the final word, you are the one in charge of what needs to be done. I have found for myself anyway, that I can become very protective of Dan (even though I'd like to throttle him sometimes!) & if anyone would buck me when that time comes, well - too bad for them. My kids will be with me 100% and that's all that is necessary. You show a lot of character & kindness by showing her the courtesy you have - kudos to you! I don't know if I could....
Not sleeping well. Went to bed and then night mares start. Go figure who the nightmare includes. DH really no where in it, just his mom. I am so tired. I mean mentally.
When I got to the point where you are now, I asked around for the best stress counsellor available. I found that talking to a really good psychologist was invaluable. In my case, it was dealing with the ex-wife and stepchildren and their partners that added to the already heavy load of caregiving. You will gain insight, strategies and support. Eventually, it will be over. In the meantime, it is a way to survive.
MIL called yesterday. Has not called since trip to doctor with DH. Did not call all week and ask about his cracked rib. She is angry at me. Will have to see comments above. So she curtly in a mean voice ask if she could pick up DH. I asked her why she spoke to me in that way. I said you haven't spoke to me since Monday when I dropped you off. You haven't called to check on his rib. She said you don't know how hard this is for me. Again not acknowledging anyone else's pain. I told her "you have not even considered how hard this is for me!" She said I don't want to argue. I said neither do I. I said "no you can not come get him. I want to spend time with my HUSBAND".