"I'm never ever going to get over this!" Tears . That's what I said to myself as I left my husband's ALF tonight sobbing. Tonight the loss ripped me apart as I sat on my husband's bed before he fell asleep. Unable to communicate with words, he grabbed my hair to pull my face down to his. Then he kissed me. I felt it. The emotions I try to push down would not go away. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to smile and reassure him. "I love you. Everything is good. Good night. Sleep tight." Felt like I was putting my child to bed BUT it was my husband And he should be with me.
There are no words of hope or reassurance I can feel right now. Just the pain that doesn't go away.
Lorrie, The emotional toll this disease has on caregivers is totally heartbreaking and draining. I hope you can find a little bit of comfort in knowing he knows you and cares about you. The kiss was proof. After ten years, I have finally accepted the regression of ALZ. When I visit I feel like I am visiting a bunch of toddlers in daycare. Let the tears flow and I hope it will be easier to accept with each passing day. There is just no regaining what we lose as we watch our spouses lose all memories. We understand how you are feeling and we care. (((HUGS)).
Lorrie, I so feel your pain... I don't cry anymore, but the feeling of loss and wanting to support is always there ... day after day after day we must keep on. When I look at the person who used to be my husband it breaks my heart, too. Hopefully tomorrow you will again find strength to go on again. Love, Margaret
Lorrie, I'm so sorry you're going through this horrible, devastating pain...no, you probably won't ever get used to it, but may perhaps adjust a bit more as time passes. Your husband clearly knows you and loves you which is a gift (I know you may not see it that way now). When I was facing what you are now, I sobbed hysterically every day-for him and me; it was such a feeling of despair and permanence, that living apart was going to be our life forever.
Please know we all here support you and care about you and your husband. (((HUGS)))
Lorrie, he IS your child now. And, yes, it is absolutely heart wrenching! I found that my only hope in this world was the assurance that I had that complete healing would come to him when he was delivered from this world into the arms of Jesus. AD can destroy at will in this place, but it cannot reach him now! I don't presume to know your heart or your beliefs...just passing on what got me through those toughest times. (((Hugs))) to you!!!
I so appreciate all your understanding. Try as they may, unless you live it you cannot feel it.
Now that my husband has moved closer to home,well meaning family and friends tell me "now, you can visit him and still have your life." What life!, I want to say!!! Not the one I long for with my husband back.
So, I will visit my husband today.....just the word VISIT is upsetting...who wants to VISIT...He's supposed to live WITH me!,s
Your love for him will be what gets you through it, Lorrie. We have all said on these forums that Alzheimers always wins. After four months, two weeks, and two days without Larry, I am starting to be not so sure about that. I think love wins. This is a little new and a little tentative for me, and I miss him horribly still…but some positive and comforting feelings and thoughts are starting to swirl around with all the pain, loss, loneliness, etc. I look back with a lot of happiness about the strong, loving marriage we had…the sum was indeed greater than the two parts…we enhanced each other, and the "we" was always better than either of us alone. And no matter what happened, we stuck it out. I am starting to have good feelings that I was there for him through some of the most terrible, nightmare times that a couple can endure together. So I think you may find that after the nightmare months and years, love still endures…even after death…and what you had together will bring happiness to you even after he is gone.
Well...you don't exactly ever get over it. It is fair to say that Alz-spousing scars you for life. There can be a good "after," but you will forever be shaped, and probably have some PTSD-ish residuals.
It's good to have, recognize, and acknowledge your emotions. So that's something. This is just where you are right now, but it's not where you'll always be.
Lorrie, I most certainly feel your pain. How beautiful that he was, in spite of the disease, able to express his love for you. I refer to moments like these as God's way of helping us cope. I cherish the moments when my husband can express his love. Seize the moment and cry as much as you want. We deserve to feel our emotions.
Wow, Lorrie, you put into words what we all feel. And how true that no one but us could ever know what it feels like. My philosophy is to cry when I darn well feel like it. (Although I try not to do it in front of Sid) I agree with everything everyone has said.
Lorrie, "There is a morning after if you can hold on through the storm" Just hold on, we are throwing the rope out to you just hold on. Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way.
Lorrie indeed its psinful to live without our spouses whether they are placed or not or like i find myself- passed on to a better place. Its not natural to not have them with us but you had a wonderful moment of insight into his heart and love for you. I was fortunate to keep my dear husband with me til the end but i cant say the loss is any different than those who have placed them. Take time for yourself to find some small pleasures. Know in your heart you are providing the best love and care for his wellbeing. With this disease the list of loss and self sacrifices are overwhelming.((lorrie))