Hi. My name is olive. "Dolive "at registration I am a widow of Charlie who had ALZ. DO any of u have to deal with anger due to husband abuse before onset Of his Alz? He is gone but I still have anger in m heart.
Hi Olive. I am not a widow but from what others have shared, it is not uncommon. It will take time to heal that hurt and counseling might be necessary to help you find your way through it.
Dolive, I am so glad you are here. My husband was placed and is still here but I had tremendous anger before he was placed. My marriage was not great before the onset of this disease and my anger I think had a lot to do with that plus much resentment. A lot of it is gone now. I think the stress of having him home all the time has helped. Counseling may help. Also keeping a journal regarding your feelings will help to get it out and put in a safe place. God bless
Dolive, my husband is still home, but yes, I am resentful at times and definitely angry. We had a loving marriage and were each other's best friends. But only now when I look back and see the horrible personality changes which led to physical abuse do I recognize it as the early stages of dementia (he has FTD) and not a midlife crisis that I thought it was. It as a terrible 4 years before diagnosis. And although he has one on one care around the clock, he still is difficult and behaves badly. I know it's the disease but after 6+ years I definitely have caregiver burnout.
I am amazed at how each persons behaviour is so different. Kevan has become so calm and docile. no more out bursts, no spoiled brat attitude. He now is appologizing when he thinks he has upset someone. I just don't know what is happening to him. Mind you his memory is geting worse, but he is such a nice person again. They have told us both that he has to live there and we accept that but why this sudden change?
Welcome to the site. There is another member of this club who has told us about her abusive husband, but she is not a widow; they still live together. Her screen name is InJail. If you use the "search" function at the top of this page, you can find her posts. You might have to use the "advanced search" button.
Hi, Olive, If you scroll to the top part of the topic page, you will see a sticky for widows and widowers. You might post your question there too. We have all had different experiences in this journey with this disease and how it affects our lives and loved ones. I was one of the luckier ones who had a wonderful marriage and a very thoughtful husband right up to the end...17n months to the day and date right as I type this...
Oh sure there were things that he did or didn't do that made me mad at him at the time..but on the whole, we had a happy marriage. So if anything makes me angry it is that the disease stole his memory and our life together way too soon...But mad at him because of some past thing he did or didn't do, or getting sick and dying, no I am not angry at that or him..I just miss him.
You didn't say how long ago you lost your spouse..I did see a counselor while he was ill in order to help me cope and I still see her every so often for some encouragement and support. I think support is very important after the death of a spouse. Sometimes it is not there from family or friend to the degree we need it and that is where a threapist can help.
I wish you luck in dealing with the aftermath and hope you find some peace soon.
Funny how things pop up. I was wondering about this myself. I had read that many times people with AD tend to get angry. However, in my case, it seemed to disappear with the onset of the disease. My husband became peaceful. He had early onset AD. Although I kept waiting for the anger to happen, it didn't. I found that praying for him and for me to get through this helped. I was the full time caregiver for 10 years. Bathing him, caring for him, and making sure he had his needs met made a difference. Touch for an AD person is so important. Holding hands, talking, singing, joking all helped to ease the situation. At the end, I could truly show the love he needed. It was also a release for me. After 3 years of being a widow, I still remember the hate/anger/violence but have forgiven my husband and myself. Until you forgive, you will be stuck with this hate. It will destroy you and those who are close to you. When I tried to find a group for me, most people spoke as though their marriages were always wonderful and loving so I did not feel that I could fit in. I hope that my sharing will help someone else. You are not alone. You just need to find the right group of people for support. This group was a tremendous help and support for me and I am so grateful.
Thanks mary75 but I am not sure about being recovered. Thought that after my spouse's death, all the bad memories would be gone as well. However, like any other trauma in our lives, those don't go away. I believe that as the years go by, we just don't think of them as often (like a car accident or surgery). They seem to fade a little with time.
Maybe it's okay to be angry. Nobody has a perfect marriage and nobody is perfect. Sometimes I think when you loose a loved one you re write history making them a saint. What you do with the anger is up to you. I'm just starting my journey with my spouse. I love him he is a good guy not perfect but perfect for me. I am in the isolated stage as I am sure you once where. Get out of the house join yoga or Pilates a walking club. Go shopping out for lunch. Do it for all of us stuck at home. Do something fun and comeback and tells us!!