My husband has been diagnosed with dementia for the last 3 years or so but I had to place him in a memory care facility in April because I could no longer care for him at home. We are fortunate because we have long term care insurance that covers most of his care. The place where he is is OK, it has deteriorated in the last few months and again I am looking for a suitable place. The guilt and sorrow that I feel for him. for myself is just overwhelming at times. I am in such a dark place. Nothing gives me any joy or happiness. My poor husband is aware enough of his disability to know how impaired he is. He begs me to find a way to rlease him from this prison, from this slow, agonizing death. I try to be upbeat and cheerful when I see him but my life is one of constant sorrow. I am seeing a therapist but, let's face it, there is no solution to this problem. My brilliant, darling, loving, funny husband vanishes daily before my eyes, before his own eyes, Sometimes I think I should bring him back home, although that is crazy talk. I couldn't manage him here. It is just on going sorrow, sadness, a deep wound that will never heal. My heart is breaking.
Yes, we have all been there. I think this is where our marriage vows "for better or worse, through thick and through thin" become much, much more than just words. You are so brave and strong…gallantly standing by his side where so many others would not have been able to do what you do. Remember that placing him is just as much caring for him as if you were keeping him home…it is caring for him in a different way. His own health and safety, as well as yours, must be paramount. It would not be helping him any if you dropped down dead at home from trying to take care of him there. He will lose his awareness, which should make things easier for him. And you are absolutely doing the wise and right thing by seeing a therapist. Anything that helps keep you strong and sane, and gets you through this, is what you need to do. Every single person who posts on this forum is here for you, and will help you…you are not alone. Your and your husband's love for each other will get you through this.
Jenny, I am not yet where you are on your journey. I am just now looking into adult day care options. My husband was diagnosed with MCI two years ago and is now in the beginning of Stage 6. He is 65 and we have two boys 11 and 12.
I am so sorry for what you are going through and for what you are feeling. Listen to your own words, "I couldn't manage him here." I admire you for wanting to take him home to care for him, but you can't and that is the reality. Alzheimer's is so cruel, so insidious, sad and agonizing. You need to tell yourself that you are doing the very best that you can and try to take it one day at a time. My husband was also brilliant, funny, loving and wonderful and he is no longer any of those things. My children will never know who their real father was and what he was like, but I can help them to know who he was.
I don't know if you have children or grandchildren. I hope that you do have a good friend, sister or neighbor, who can sit with you and have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Talking about our sadness does seem to help, me at least. I do see a therapist, which has also helped, but am going to my first support group meeting on the 13th. We need all the support we can get.
You must be exhausted and to now have to find another suitable place for your husband is a big endeavor. You should not feel guilty. It sounds like you have been a wonderful wife and caregiver. Please try to find something even if it is a small something to find a bit of joy in. You can't let this disease take both of you. You can't let it win. You will be okay. I am here. We are here. Love, Christine