I started my new job as a preschool teacher yesterday. It was a very good day. At lunch time I discovered a Mexican restaurant that was the same name near my previous employment, just 5 minutes away from my new job. I brought the menu home & told my husband this is the same restaurant, just a different location. I would bring home Mexican or Chinese several times a week. (He didn't remember my doing that, nor the Mexican restaurant.) Anyhow, I told him to look at the menu, select what he wanted and I would bring it home for dinner tonight.
After carefully looking over the menu, he circled his selection. I said, o.k., I'll bring that home for dinner tomorrow night. He said that would be great. I came home tonight with the Mexican food & he was grilling salmon! I asked him "don't you remember, I told you I would be bringing home Mexican tonight," He said it was a "trick question" he didn't remember anything about it, how could he remember something I told him 4 days ago? I said, look, I just started working yesterday, so how could it be 4 days.
He said he would eat the salmon as an appetiser tomorrow (3/4 lbs. of fish), and eat the Mexican tonight. Then he kept asking what he had ordered. Finally, I got up in the middle of the meal, got the menu with his choice circled & and said, this is what you ordered.
A year ago when I was working, there would have been none of this miscommunication. I am back to where I was, but where is he? I see now, that his memory is so much worse. I have been side tracked by the personality changes, noticing the lack of comprehension, the rants, etc. But he can't remember what we planned last night, & gets upset with me, because he thinks I'm trying to "trick him?"
I am reticent to post such things since most of you are going through so much worse. But just wanted to put it out there to get it out of here. Oh my, what a difference a year can make. We had a peaceful dinner, but I was thinking about how really bad his memory really is. It is pitiful.
I hesitate to add my comment but.......I envy all of you that have a spouse that has AD and you are still able to work. It will be two years now that I had to quit a job I loved with a passion to stay home and be a caregiver. There is no way on this good green earth that I would have been able to work one minute longer. I had been going in at midnight and coming home at 6:30am with my employers permission for the odd hours. My husband was just too afraid to be left alone then and now. I really never had a time that I could do that at all. All in all though I am a very happy person. It reflects in my husband's behaviour. He always says "You are the boss and whatever you say is what I will do". I assure you that was not always the attitude. He had a mind of his own. I thank the Lord that he continues to be an easy care person. Sally
Well Sally, if it makes you feel any better, I can''t quit my job, I don't have a choice. When it comes down to that, I will be out of here & his brother ( who still has HIS inheritance) will have to take over. I can't afford the choice of being a caretaker.
Congradulations on your new job, but sorry things didn't go so well with dinner. This disease can sometimes rob memory very quickly. In my case, my husband has gone from forgetting things to forgetting people in just four years. We have gone through the personality changes, no where near the same person he was. He can no longer read more than one word at a time. Bathrooming, especially when traveling is so difficult. We have had all the tumbles and falls in such a short span of time. I know its hard, I have been blessed, not by having the money to do so, but because of my own health, to be here with my DH to care for him daily. We had no early warning signs pronouced enough to see what was beginning, went basically from fine to can't be alone to take care of himself.
A year is a long time with AD and much can change almost in the blink of an eye. Just as what worked yesterday will perhaps not work tomorrow. It is pitiful, and I know how hard that was to come home to when you had so much to share with him about your day. Cry, scream, get it out. I am here to listen. I have been told I have such strong shoulders, theres always room for one more dear heart like you to lean on them .Peace be with you tonight And a brighter tomorrow. We have to look for and capture all those little rays we can find. And glow!
Your scenario is exactly what happens around here all of the time. And yes, I continue to be surprised. You'd think I wouldn't be, but I am.
Yesterday, I told Sid that on Wednesday I had a hairdresser's apt. right near where his best support group friend lives. I said that I would drop him off at J's house, go to the hairdresser and pick him up later. Today in group, we made the arrangements with J. At supper tonight, he asked me what we were doing tomorrow. ????????????????????????
And yes, no matter what anyone says, everything is easier when you don't have to worry about money. Everything, including caregiving. Add the constant worry about money issues, and the stress meter is off the charts.
Joan, Your words gave me so much comfort. I will sleep well tonight. Thanks so much for sharing all. It meant a lot to me. I feel like you REALLY understand. Thanks also, Magnoliarose, love your name.
Oh, my goodness. That forgetfulness that comes on so quickly. Yesterday, I needed to go to the postoffice to mail 2 oversize letters plus the normal correspondence I had to go out. He still drives up the street and on very short trips. I can no longer drive at all. So, I asked him if he had time to take me. (I try to be polite.) He said he'd be glad to take me. I gathered all my stuff--purse, mail, etc.--and was waiting for him at the door. He said "Where're you going?" I explained I needed to go to the PO. And he said he'd be glad to take his best girl friend.
Anyway, we got in the car, backed out of the driveway and he asked again: Where are we going? To the PO. Okay, he says. Which way to I go. We've lived in this house for over 45 years. That PO is only about a mile away. I was so frustrated. However, I took a couple of cleansing breaths (someone wrote that's a good idea), and gave him the same directions I give him every time we go to that strip mall. It took us exactly 15 minutes to go, take care of my business and come home.
I'm not kidding you. We hadn't been home 5 minutes when he asked "When do you want to go to the PO?"
I just smiled at him and he never said anymore. I know he forgot all about it.
we had to go to the farm service agency for dh to sign some papers that state we have no crops growing,just hay and pasture. the lady that worked there brought the papers over for him to sign and he just wrote his first name,i told him to sign his last name also and he just hesitated handed me the pen and told me to sign it for him but the next paper he signed his name correctly. just little reminders like that always make me sad. our son was trying to get some cattle up in the lot to sell yesterday and i went to help son & dh call the cattle up to the lot. i wasn't much help.son wanted me to go to help with dh. it was so sad to see the decline. dh absolutely didn't know what to do. he couldn't open or close the gates and son got so hot and fusterated trying to get the right ones in the lot,i wanted to cry. in fact i thought he was going to cry too. bil came to the rescue and i came back to the house,sad worried and near tears. how cruel to forget things he has know his whole life. how cruel to have to watch him like i have to watch our little 3 yr grandson. how terribly cruel to forget how to sign his name. what a cruel and vicious disease. seems like i keep a lump in my throat just too much. jav
Kitty, my husband tried to cover up that he forgot what we were doing the next day or eating the next day; then he couldn't hide it any more. Then he forgot what I told him in the morning; then he forgot what I told him in the length of time it took him to get out of his chair; and now he looks confused when I say that it is time to get ready to go somewhere - but he goes with me to the bathroom, where I lay out his clothes and start his bath water - he can still bathe himself and dress himself (and I start an hour before we need to go). He loves to go, which is a blessing! He can still hold onto the "I'm normal" look and action in public.
If I were you, I would just get the food I want on a given day and bring it home and choose to either eat it and refrigerate what he prepared (if anything), or vice versa. Trying to remind him what he did 5 minutes ago, much less a day ago will only frustrate both of you. Go with the flow one more time.. I'm sorry - it is a horrible road that we travel.
Later, trying to remind him what you know he knows how to do, and has done so many times in his life, but can't do it any more is a bigger frustration for both of you.....that is coming....just be forewarned. These are awful times - watching their minds disintegrate. I feel sorry for all of us.
So frustrating... my advice? (And it took me a LONG time to learn this) Just give up trying to orient them to reality - it doesn't do any good, and (in my case anyway) just made him angry. All those, "don't you remember" questions are horriblly frustrating to people with AZ and showing them something they've done and don't remember (like the circled food item) can be devastating.
Hi everyone. I'm new to the site and have thoroughly found some peace in reading people's entries. My husband is in the moderate stage and I've seen a few new changes lately. The memory thing has been ongoing and declining for some time. I'm always flabbergasted that he can ask a question and listen to my answer and then ask again just a short while later. The part that amazes me so much is that my answers tend to be almost verbatim each and every time and I always expect that he'll respond with "Oh yeah, that's right." but he never does. Each time is brand new information for him. A while back his psychiatrist told him that he was lucky because he was ambidexterous (sp) and by using both sides of his brain it could help him remember things for a longer time. That day and the days after, he told me that story at least 20 times! So much for "remembering longer."
Kitty, I'm excited to see how excited you are about your new job. You really dreaded this step for a while and now that it is reality, you are doing and feeling great.
The only memory things that I am seeing are pretty minor short-term things. Some are easy to deal with like when he asked me what date it was three times in two minutes. My son noticed but my daughter didn't. I really wished my daughter had noticed because she still doesn't "see" really what is going on. She believes me when I tell her but I want her to see for herself.
Some of the memory things can be hard. Like when he asks me to tell him when I pay a bill or when our son has talked to his lawyer (a whole different story) and I do tell him. I try to tell him two or three times over a period of time so that may be he will remember that I told him. This works most of the time. Sometimes though he just doesn't remember me telling him. He will ask me if this or if that. I tell him, yes, it happened and then he gets angry and wonders why I didn't tell him like I had promised to do. If it's something minor that I know won't cause a hugh problem, then I tell him that it must have slipped by. If I know it will cause a hugh problem, then I tell him that I did tell him right away when it happened four days ago... Generally, I can't win either way. Either I have AD because I never remember to tell him anything, or I don't care about him because if I did I would have told him, or (his most favorite) I am lying to him again and I really didn't tell him and I am covering things up.
I receive a payment from a brother for a property sale each quarter. the check was late this time and I was told that I must be lying about it. The check showed up on Monday, three days late. I told DH on the phone Monday night that the check arrived. He asked if I put it in the bank. I told him NO that I wanted him to see it first. He asked if it really showed up or if I was lying. I told him that it really showed up. I told him that I would deposit it tomorrow. He asked me to take a copy of it first so that he can see it. I am still expecting him to ask me again if the check has shown up and wonder why I didn't tell him.
Some people will tell you that when your ADLO asks you the same question, you should give exactly the same answer, verbatim. I've had a lot better success if I vary the answer a bit, each time. For example:
What are we having for dinner? Answers:
I thought I'd fix salmon
We're having your favorite, salmon.
I'm planning on fish, probably salmon.
Would you like salmon?
I have a new salmon recipe I want to try.
How does salmon sound?
Sooner or later, an answer "sticks". Sometimes he'll get a look of intense concentration on his face, and say yeah, you already told me that, didn't you? And he doesn't ask again. I think once an answer has been routed to a "dead end", any time he hears the same answer, it promptly gets routed to the same dead end. "New" answers have a chance of getting into a memory path that's retrievable.
Kitty, I keep a calendar in the kitchen to remind me of important events -- doctor appointments, a play for which we have tickets, etc. My husband has started checking that, to keep tabs on what "we" have planned, several times a day. Lately, I noticed that he's started checking off each day, to help him keep track of what day it is.
I know your husband is still very touchy ... maybe if you started keeping a calendar "for yourself" -- now that you're so busy with your new job -- he can use that, without damage to his ego. Or a whiteboard on which you list what's going on in your life today, what you're going to do about dinner, etc.
The calendar is our lifeline. He must check it a dozen times or more daily, but he also writes in all the squares so nothing is legible. I have a notebook that I use to write down daily schedules when something is going to be different, but he still will write on the calendar.We are back to my being totally untrustworthy. Large explosion last night because he couldn't find our pup, and I was to blame because he can't trust me for anything???? Of course, our pup was down in the dog yard playing as usual, but it was my untrustworthyness that created the problem...does this make any sense to anyone? It has been a while since we have had this type of problem, so I didn't react very well (to say the least). Bless our sweet labradoodle who loves him regardless of what he says or does.
A labradoodle is a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle. People who are allergic to dog hair can have one of these dogs because of the poodle mix. They are really pricey. We were thinking of one for our grandson---$1,500. Maybe they are cheaper now. He doesn't need a dog yet. Maybe his mother will get him one.
It makes a huge difference where you get one and what "variety". A good source for info is where we got our Bailee... www.uslabradoodles.com . She was very $$$$..more than above, and I still can't believe we did it! That said, she is a total love. They are used for service dogs due to their disposition and hypo allergenic quality. Bailee doesn't realize she is supposed to be a foo foo dog as she would rather be a digger down and dirty one.):-(. Keeps one busy.
I did the frustation thing too with all the repeats for a long time..the exasperation i spent trying to resay or repeat was driving me bonkers until i figured out nothing i would say would make it any different for him to understand. if i had to do over, i would suggest just a uh-huh or ok and leave it at that. the retention time is 5sec after you say it. if that- all it does is make you nervous and bitter having to repeat and try to re-negociate the same statments or actions to them. i feel so sorry for yall in this particular stage, it makes you wanna pull your hair out. this is why i am always saying when all is said and done later on-you will see the 'patience' rewards. the accusations and distrustfulness is overbearing at times. i got to the point when i got a second/third time the same question it was uh-huh and moved on..it made no sense to get tied up in all the mumbojumbo and think i could reason him into my thinking process. good luck to each of you -divvi
My husband can't ask me any questions....sometimes I wish he could ask me questions over and over again...I know it is frustrating for all of you, but NOT being able to talk at all, no conversation, yet an adult body that is in the room and holds the heart of your lover, friend, and husband for 47 years (on the 26th) is horrible as well. Each situation is horrible. Please note that I said SOMETIMES. :)
Kathi, I went to the website, and they are cute dogs. Is Bailee the small, medium, or large..and what color and hair style is she?
Not much I can add that everyone else hasn't said. I will just add that as frustrating as it is in these beginning stages, imagine how much more difficult it is to be them. As beenthere said, you will eventually learn to not ask "don't you remember?" as well - NO they don't. It only leads to frustration to both people., you have to learn to just let it go.
In those first few years I learned to bite my tongue as the poor bugger just couldn’t recall anything. Its sad, its tragic... but it is what it is. As my grams use to say... you can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed man. The same goes here, arguing or trying to make them remember is futile. Mary, bless you. I can't imagine how hard that must be on you, and him too for that matter :( Thank you for reminding us that things could be, and will be worse.
Sorry, this seems out of place so I'll make it fast...
Mary...she is a medium chocolate..softest fur imaginable. Kids adore petting her ...which she loves. Oh..her coat is the soft wavy one..can't think what it is called.
My husband ask the same question over & over also. However, I get so upset at myself, when I say "Remember" then I think if he remembered he wouldn't ask again. Will I ever quit saying "Remember"?
As we have stated numerous times, memory loss is not all our spouses experience. Today we had a unique experience. At lunch, my daughter brought my husband to pick me up and the three of us went to our Wednesday lunch at the Chinese restaurant - he's been 4 times in a row now. When she parked halfway between the two sets of steps (30 feet apart) to get to the sidewalk to go to the front door of the restaurant, my husband got out first. My daughter wanted me to show her how to switch the speakers to front only for the radio, so we were still in the car while he went to the railing and started to climb up! My daughter yelled, Daddy, wait! Mom's coming! I got out of the car and waved my arm in a come here motion (I wasn't going to waste my voice when I might not be understood) and he climbed down and came to me. I hugged him, and said let's go this way to the set of stairs, and we walked with our arms around each other to the steps and into the restaurant. (when my daughter yelled at him, I was doubled over in the back seat laughing - and she told me to stop laughing before I got out of the car) I couldn't help it. What can I say? No one else saw him do it. <grin>
We have to laugh! At first you are so frustrated, then later you are so sad you can hardly see through the tears... then you get to a point where you just accept it, and are able to see some humor. We laugh to stop the crying. I find myself able to smile now, over things that years ago would have caused a meltdown! I'm glad he wasn't hurt, and if I was there I would have been laughing right along with you :)