Mr. Hostile is on the warpath. He has appointments with his PC and neurologist this month. It will be their turn to deal with his behavior. He finally grasped the literature I had him read about driving with a dementia diagnosis -- financial ruin if he's in an accident with death or injuries whether it is his fault or not. He is in full rage and is going to demand they remove any medical coding for dementia or he's going to sue them. He insists there is nothing wrong with him..... Of course he insists that I'm not to go to the appointments and I had better keep my mouth shut or there will be consequences.
They lose their self-awareness pretty fast, and just do not recognize their own deficits. In earlier days, any attempt to enlist Larry in changes needed because of his Alzheimers only resulted in hostility and denial. (Trying to get him to let a lawn service do the yard, trying to get him to stop driving…to give two examples.) He would get really insulted, and say things like, "How dare you insinuate that I have Alzheimers." Way back in 2000, when the MD wanted to start him on Aricept, he was so angry that he literally did not speak to me for two days. He resented me for "telling on him" to the doctor. Things got much easier in some ways when the disease progressed enough so that he was mentally and physically impaired enough not to keep trying to be what he used to be. But it never was easy…as everybody here knows. Unfortunately.
If your husband does threaten to sue his doctors unless they change his diagnosis, that should get their attention, and not in the way he expects.
You seem to be making progress in taking the legal and medical steps, but it sounds like he still has access to firearms. Please be careful. Your situation is more than anything I can envision.
One thing about it, if he strolls into the doctor offices carrying the loaded pistol he keeps in his truck, I bet they will take that a lot more seriously than they have the fact that I'm in a house with loaded guns all over the place and a 9mm in the night stand by the bed. So far they haven't shown any concern for me other than to tell me to remove the guns from the house - right...like I can do that without sealing my fate.
InJail, I am concerned about your well being. Is there really nothing you can do about the loaded guns? Does your elder law attorney know your husband has loaded guns in the house? Is there anyway you and he can go out and have a trusted friend remove the guns? Can one of the doctors call the policed notify them?
A suggestion...perhaps you can got to your local police office and notify them of your husband's dx and tell them he has loaded guns in the house and you are concerned about it and ask them for a suggestion on how to resolve this. We had no weapons in our home other than kitchen knives(thank God he never threatened me with one of them) but he still tried to strangle me with his bare hands. Horrible disease for everyone.
Law enforcement keeps telling me it is not illegal for him to own guns and unless there is a domestic violence incident with injury, they have no right to remove firearms. He is not far enough advanced, according to his doctors, to be declared incompetent so I have no legal authority to do anything with him. There are no trusted friends - all the Zebras ran for the hills, including his brother.
Nothing to do right now but be very, very careful not to anger him in any way. I have 30 years practice at that.
Also, even if I loaded up and removed all the guns -- not a solution. He is the firearm dealer's best customer and would just buy more. I am hoping if he really throws a fit at his doctor appointments that they will get a little more of a clue what I'm dealing with. He is very dual personality - extremely engaging, personable and likeable if you aren't the person that deals with him 24 hrs. a day. His doctors constantly make comments what a handsome and great guy he is. We'll see if that changes when they deal with him this month.
In the meantime, my safety is contingent on not challenging him about anything and letting him have his way on everything.
Injail. Your situation is one of the more difficult i have witnessed here at joans. You appear resigned to just accept the terrible situation you find yourself rather than be proactive to resolve some of these issues. You sound defeated on every subject we offer solutions. I also had a tremendous time with weapons but was resigned to take keys snd weapons to secure our safety or leave if he was unable to he controlled. Many here have had to deal here as well. It appears finding someone to board your animals for a while would free you to move out if forced. 30years of abuse... Without dementia is a worthy reason to try to better yourself. Living in fear and despair is not acceptable to any spouse AD or not. If your local police wont offer you help then if me i would go directly to your Counties court house and ask for help from those who oversee your jurisdiction. Take the dr diagnosis any violence on record affidavits and pictures of loaded weapons in car house and expired permits. Tell them you are in fear for your life. I cant imagine they wouldnt offer some form of recourse or suggestions. If hes told the drs hes not drinking that much as you suggest then they should be willing to give meds to help. Many of us have crushed them and added to foods without their consent under these dire situations. Its hard for us all to read of your troubles and not see you work towards your safety. We are here to encourage you to pursue any means possible . Divvi*
InJail, You say that your safety is contingent on not challenging him. As time goes on this will become so much harder. My DH was never physically violent. But could blow his top at the drop of a hat in the later stages, before the dx. Once he went off the deep end because I gave him a spoon with his beef stew!!!! I should of given him a fork. Had he been prone to violence he would have punched me over that. Please, please be careful. You can not control him, and you will get to the point that you will not know what will set him off.
InJail Your situation sounds very dangerous. I agree with blue and divvi. It must be very scary to live this way. No one should have to be afraid of their spouse. You need to get some help. Have you tried calling your chapter of the Alzheimer Association. Or look up Alz.com. They have a 24 hr hotline to call about anything.
How about a church in your area? Do you have any family nearby that you can stay with? It sounds like you need to be prepared to leave at a moment's notice.