Lots of changes in my life. I now have full control if our finances. DH gave up everything yesterday after a very bad Christmas Day that was all caused by the stress of his not being able to deal with life now. He has turned to the activities at the LTC to help him fill his time. He will be going to a New Years Eve party in the afternoon and says he will dance with the ladies. He said we need to live separate lives now and I can visit him at the LTC but he can't come to my home as it causes him to much upset to have to leave. This is all new and so far he is quite happy. He is sleeping better and is much more relaxed. He is not using Ativan other then morning and afternoon. I am told I should have taken control of these things earlier to relieve his stress but he wasn't ready. I have spent the last five years being yelled and screamed at by him over finances. It is such a relief. Now I know that this is not the end. There will be other things to upset my world but for now I am alright. For now I can go and buy a container of ice cream and not be afraid he will find out and make my life hell. I don't know why he is changing and becoming so co operative but it's good. His memory is going south but his aggressive behaviour is under control for now. He is having chest pains again, maybe heart, maybe stress, but I hope to take away as much stress as possible. This is the first time I have been able to share something good. I just hope it lasts.
I think sometimes people with dementia realize that letting go of certain things relieves them of stress. Some can't let go, as they loss control over their life they try to retain tighter control over what they can. He knows, for now at least, that he can't handle going to your home. That he can't handle the stress of finances (never mind that he can't really handle them).
It must be terrible to realize that something like going home will cause you so much stress that it can advance the disease. To know that you are lossing control of the basic abilities, the very things that you have breezed through all your life are disappearing and you can't hang on to them. I don't know how I would handle that. It's no wonder they scream and yell and do all the things they do. It must be awful for them. I watched my Mother go through this now my Sister and a brother are on this path as well and it is heart breaking. I pray for a cure soon. It is to Kate for us but there are others coming along.
Very good blog, Joan. Thank you. My hopes for happiness are a lot like yours. I hope and pray that my husband's decline continues so the end comes sooner rather than later. He is still aware of his situation and knows he is dying but the hospice nurse practitioner cannot figure out how he can have so little executive function and still be walking and eating. I also hope that we can find the right medication combination that will enable him to sleep and be more calm since he is pacing most of the night now. My hope also is to be able to take some more baby steps in the quest for establishing a new life for myself even though he is still alive although not living with me. God bless.
I admire your strength and courage and being able to find something positive in this awful journey. Please try to stay strong and take care of yourselves. Enjoy that ice cream jazzy!!
Here are two poems about hope. The first one has an optimistic view and compares hope to a little bird. The second one has a cynical and pessimistic view and says that hope is "man's deceiver."
“Hope is the thing with feathers” By Emily Dickinson
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all - And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm - I’ve heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity, It asked a crumb - of me.
[Untitled] By A.E. Housman
I to my perils Of cheat and charmer Came clad in armour By stars benign.
Hope lies to mortals And most believe her, But man's deceiver Was never mine.
The thoughts of others Were light and fleeting, Of lovers' meeting Or luck or fame.
Mine were of trouble, And mine were steady; So I was ready When trouble came.