I check in often and send my condolences to those of you who have lost much loved spouses. My total admiration for those of you continuing to care for spouses in the best way you can.
I am grateful this Holiday Season that mine is a completely different journey. The epic drinking continues and every step closer he takes to his drunken dementia Hell is another step I can take to get "out of jail".
Hi InJail, Thank you for your holiday wishes. I send the same ones to you, along with my hope that there have been some positive changes in you situation.
On the subject of a Survivable New Year, if I remember correctly, your husband had alcohol-induced dementia, still drank heavily, and kept many loaded and unsecured guns in your house, garage, and his truck. You were going to talk to his doctor and an elder law attorney about that. I hope someone came up with a way to deny him access to those firearms, since he could harm you or some other innocent person.
The Medical Morons have changed the diagnosis to early AD. They give him an occasional lecture that he should stop drinking as the AD will progress faster with alcohol use. They refuse to give him any behavior meds like Ativan or Seroquel because of the interaction and danger with alcohol use but do have him on Aricept even though I have shown them the research for alcohol and Aricept and told them he has bloody stools which is one of the side effects. I have shown them pictures of the loaded guns in the garage, in the nightstand in the bedroom and in his truck. I have shown them pictures of the bullet holes in the fence and my horse barn. The stupid County renewed his conceal/carry permit. I met with the Sheriff Dept. and showed them the pictures and told them my concerns with the alcohol and AD diagnosis. They basically said there is nothing they can do - it is not against the law to consume alcohol or own guns. I believe the one smart ass said if I have blood showing or broken bones give them a call. The Elder Care attorney is the next stop after the Holidays.
If you have his medical power of attorney, you can decide to not give him the aricept. My husband had bad reactions to namenda and we stopped it despite what the doctor wanted. It is our choice.
Sorry you got no support from people that should be concerned. Is there any chance you could fix the guns so they won't fire doing it slowly so he doesn't notice you doing it or take it to be repaired and have it done?
Good to hear from you, InJail. Stay safe! I think it is reasonable to hold off on the Aricept and see if the untoward symptoms stop. I don't know why the doctor would object to that. In terms of the rest of your situation, I think you need to get yourself and the animals out of there. I know it's been said before on another thread, but it just isn't worth your life. Maybe some case management by Adult Protective Services for you and the S.P.C.A. for the horses could find some shelter space for all of you. I wish you could see the attorney earlier…perhaps if he has a cancellation he could fit you in. I know from my years as a public health nurse that it is very hard to get somebody declared incompetent, and just because your husband has early Alzheimers doesn't necessarily mean you are going to be able to get legal control….yet. I can understand that the Sheriff Dept.'s hands are tied, but that one comment was unprofessional to say the least. I don't suppose you have a pond on your property? If you do, maybe you could just throw all the guns in the pond, and of course in total innocence you won't know anything about it when they are found to be missing. Or maybe he would just buy some more?
Having the firing pins removed from the guns seems a good bet but a gun is always a danger. It can be used as a club or a disabled gun can result in him getting shot by the police. I've seen suggestions of disabling bullets but he may have boxes of bullets you don't know about.
Since he has a dementia dx see if this is grounds for revoking his concealed carry license and for you to legally prohibit him any access to guns.
A gun safe is another consideration as long as he has no way of opening it. Knowing that his guns are around even if he can't access them might keep him calm enough. But if he is determined enough he might find the key or the combination if written down.
Elizabeth - I have no intentions of playing doctor and removing any medications he is prescribed. If his medical providers are negligent on what they want him to take, that is their problem. As far as me or the horses being removed from my home instead of him -- that is not happening. No pond on the property and if I did anything with his guns that would be a fire storm that I definitely would not survive.
Myrtle - I am in total survival mode and my concern is not for any of the rest of the population. I have been totally up front with the situation with his doctors and law enforcement. They can bear the responsibility if that would happen.
The Sheriff Deputy did tell me that under the laws of our State that I also have the legal right to own a gun and use it if I'm in a life threatening situation. I certainly hope that would not be an option I would have to employ but have used firearms all my life and certainly could if I had to. He also told me that in the case of any domestic violence incident that the law now requires all firearms to be confiscated. I'm really not up to provoke him into smashing my face in again just to have his firearms removed.
I'm sure I'll have a much clearer path forward after I talk to the Elder Care attorney. Things are tolerable right now as he spends the day and night in bed or on the couch watching TV and drinking until he passes out. I have moved to the upstairs of the house so we have little contact with each other. My day starts at 5:00AM caring for all the livestock and doing maintenance on the property and I usually am back in the house by 7:00PM which is usually long after he is bonked out.
I also have informed his doctors that he is adamant that I am not going to any of his doctor appointments, which is fine with me because I hate anything to do with doctors anyway. Anytime they feel he is not following or able to follow their instructions then they can make the decision he is a danger to himself and transfer him to a facility that can fight the battles with him to comply with medical orders. I notice that he is eating very little and often does not take his night time meds. Again, being in survival mode, at 5'2" and 103 lbs. I am not physically strong enough to make him do anything. He is over 6 feet tall and weighs in at 190 lbs. (or did several months ago). I don't intend to get hurt or crippled trying to manhandle someone almost twice my weight.
I recommend that you send mail to his doctors (e-mail, fax, snail mail) before each appoint with your observations. In the case of dementia the most important information is that provided by the caregivers. Keeping a journal of your observations is very important, I sent sections of my journal to the psychiatrist and neurologist before each appointment, they considered that more important than anything that happened at an office visit. Of course they must agree not to share this is your husband. Some doctors are stupid and do share or ignore anything from the spouse. Some doctors will also insist with dementia patients that they do not come by themselves. Also see if the doctors will communicate with you after each visit, there might be basics such a medication changes. You cannot trust your husband to report accurately on any medical exam, expect him to say that the doctor says he is cured.
Hopefully the eldercare attorney can provide a way to get the guns off of the property. It is possible that him having threatened you plus the dementia dx is sufficient.
paulc - I do give the doctors a full report on him before every appointment. His primary care doctor is also mine and I have furnished full information to her and the neurologist. I have been put on a low potassium diet and I told the doctor that he would have a fit about my diet restrictions. He did and I've asked her to try to get through to him that I am following medical orders. His daily comment: "you have totally ruined my life that you won't eat what I order you to eat".
Thank you Elizabeth. I wish the start of a happy new life for you. I don't know how you found the strength to get through the last year but I will keep you in my thoughts of just how strong a human being can be if they have to.