Just read a post by Nikki'e sister that Lynn is in hopital and Nikki is under the weather herself. She is asking for prayers, for Lynn that he pulls through this. He has a fever and they are doing all they can to prevent pneumonia.. Just want our " family" here to know about Nikki's situation. Her sister will post more on FB as they learn the DX etc...
Dear Nikki, My prayers are for Lynn, that he pulls through this, and for you, Nikki. You both have been so courageous, and your love is an inspiration for me, at least. From my heart to yours, kindest regards.
Mimi, thank you for starting this thread for us.....Lynn needs all the prayers he can get. I know my sister is covering our friends and family by phone and Facebook, so when she told me someone had posted on my wall about my "other family", I knew it was here you had posted.
Because I am emotionally spent, I will just give a quick update..... Lynn has a severe case of sepsis (which if you don't already know is a nasty, life threatening infection of the blood). He also has pneumonia. We are awaiting the rest of the test results.
At its high his temperature was over 104....I held him and comforted him while his body contorted from the pain of "full body rigors". It lasted longer than I thought I could possibly bear to witness. But, I was accompanied to the place of gentle numbness, that place where your own pain means absolutely nothing, as you try to calm and comfort the person you love most in life.....
His heart rate continued to climb higher and higher, to such alarming distress that it set off every damn alarm they had on him..... the highest I saw recorded was 148
His oxygen levels continued to drop
I had to say over and over that yes he was a DNR...it wasn't until hours later that I realized ...that as I lay there, my body draped over him...to comfort him, to shield him, that I actually only had to say it out loud just the one time....all the other times were just echoes of my tortured heart, body and soul willing myself to honor my vow to this most precious gift in my life that I was holding...
Among the strength, the fears.....what I recall with vivid clarity is how hard Lynn fought to keep eye contact. I tell you, he was looking straight into my soul!! Though they were clouded by the pain and trauma he was experiencing....they were the bright, clear eyes of "my Lynn"
The room was full of people, sounds and lights....but it was just he and I, sharing millions of words, stories and memories. My eyes begged him to stop fighting so hard....that it was ok to rest, if for even, just a moment. His eyes told me he is still in there, he was trying so Damn hard to voice what he must have felt his eyes didn't convey. Over and over , through a body clenched in convlusive shaking, he kept saying two sentences.
One I knew was " I love you" .....to which I replied all the right ways too. But he wanted me to understand that second sentence. His eyes pierced deeper into mine........
The intense " attack" lasted well over 20 mins. The coming down, at least another half hour (truly I lost track of all time). When his voice stopped shaking so much, we all heard what the second sentence was.....
"Doctor will fix me"
Such a simple sentence.....but soooo powerful. I don't care what anyone chooses to believe, our loved ones are indeed "still in there". And Lynn, was doing as he has always done, he was fighting! For all he was worth......
I can't find the words to express just how mind altering this experience has been for me.....but now I know, when it "is his time", Lynn himself will let me know.
Wow......guess I needed to share more than I thought I did......it is a long battle ahead of him. He is so very sick and simply exhausted. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers ((hugs))
He is completely spent and sleeping peaceful. He is so exhausted his body didn't even respond to us trying to give him a little sip of water. Poor little bugger... ..
Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers, lots of hugs. Your love for each other will get you through this. Nikki, you are remarkable, and an inspiration.
Thank You all...a new doctor was in to evaluate, and felt the need to tell me what I already know. The next 24 hours are vital. Tomorrow morning they will reorder a few tests, and this will tell them if Lynn can fight this........
Nikki sending up prayers of courage and strength for you. Please know you are not alone. You have my love and prayers behind you. Stay strong sweet lady, you are doing an awesome job.
Ok... I came here to simply copy and paste an update, because I am just emotionally spent. Or so I thought.... as I read through your posts, each one touched me.. truly, each one! And then I get to Wolf... who I KNOW how he feels about hope... but who respects how I feel about hope.... and I am reduced to tears...
Because I still, have so much hope. And it's not a cure... it's just peace, and happiness, and anything good I can give this sweet man. It is hope that keeps me going....
And I am rambling, and I am so tired... and my fingers are working quicker than my mind........
This morning, Lynn was moved to ICU..... they feared he also had pulmonary embolism, on top of the sepsis shock and pneumonia. I allowed some simple tests, refused many others. NOTHING that would cause him any pain.... just no more pain....for the love of God, no more pain!
Lynn wants to fight, I see it in every fiber of his being. And I want him with me desperately.... but not at any cost... I remind myself over and over....this is between Lynn and God. I can no more take away his will to fight, than I can control when God when call him Home. I KNOW THIS!!!
But I am still in shock, and just tortured by how hard he had to fight to live. How his body went to war, causing his whole frame to convulse and watching his poor chest heave with the effort......Selfishly I pray to never lay witness to such a heroic fight for life again.....
I was told to call his family..... which I did, again. This time, 2 of the 4 said they were coming tonight.
And this part.... forgive me, I just can't live through the writing of it again right now.. so I am copying my latest update.....
I know you all will forgive me for jumping in the shower real quick before I posted an update...Around dinner time, 6 pm, I asked if we could get some ice cream, a mighty shake and Lynn's favorite, plain old water. He hasn't had anything to eat or drink since lunch on Friday because he was too lethargic to even open his mouth, or close it. Though he is of course getting a massive amount of fluids intravenously to help fight off the blood infection, my concern was for his poor mouth, and how dry it must be.
They knew I would not attempt even one sip unless he was upright and alert. We figured we would give it a try. As I gently raised his head with the bed remote, I was keeping a close eye on the heart monitor wiring and not paying attention to Lynn's face.... so, you can imagine my surprise when I looked down and saw his beautiful eyes open, shining bright as he said "Hello there!"
That's all it took, two simple words to bring a crowd rushing in his room, and to make every eye in that room tear up.....
He did drink a small bottle of water, his cup of mighty shake and about half an ice cream. He didn't say another word, just a lot of ahhhhh's and mmmmmm's. and was looking around the room a lot.....
It was then that his daughter, body taunt with grief, eyes heavy with tears, walked in the room..... She about fell over herself trying to get to us...she could hardly believe her eyes!!! Me? I had never lost hope... and I DID believe my eyes, because I have seen this very miracle before!! Still, it is an amazing, spiritual, powerful experience!
Lynn quickly tired, he looked directly at me and said "love my love" and fell fast asleep. His heart rate has not risen once since. No fever. And he is sleeping a sleep so peaceful that it must surely be guarded by Angels.
This was not the night that either his daughter or I had envisioned....she immediately wanted to jump into the "what if's" and I told her no sweetie, that is NOT how this works. We have no control here, NONE! This is between Lynn and God...
What we do now, is enjoy this amazing blessing! Every smile he smiles, you will now see differently. Every word he exchanges, you will now treasure. And I smile to myself, knowing, that she will be forever changed.... and I hope she will allow it to happen.
Lynn awoke several more times throughout the night. He was alert for moments... precious moments.... and then he drifted off into his healing slumber.
Several nurses said "I must warn you..."
To which I politely cut them off saying, "no, that is not how this works.............................................."
..............................
And I know, we are not out of the woods by a long shot..... we find out in the morning if the sepsis is subsiding or has spread. But one moment at a time.... just one moment at a time....
Nikki, the way Lynn rebounds back to you, his love is truly amazing (every time!) Hope that you both will be able to rest and recoup your strength. All the very best, cassie*.
It was refreshing to read your recent update that Lynn was enjoying something of his favorites foods...And his reaction to you and his speaking too...such a hopeful sign that things have got to be a bit better... Now both of you need rest..Lynn is getting some now but YOU need to put your head down and get some good sleep so that you have no set backs yourself. Lean on others when you can.. You are an amazing lady, strong and sensitive and full of love for your friends and dear Lynn... Take time for you, enjoy a nice shower and let someone do your hair and give you a little wee massage to relax you a bit..this is Dr Mimi's orders... Blessings on you both.
Nikki, I just went through something very similar to what you and Lynn are going through. It happened late in September and that is what brought us to the nursing home, finally.
My husband was rushed to hospital by ambulance with a 104 degree fever too. The infection had spread to his kidney and he then developed full-blown sepsis. No one thought he would live. He did. He pulled though after four weeks of intravenous antibiotics but without the ability to walk. He is doing well at the nursing home, eating puréed foods and enjoying the daily hot chocolate I bring him.
Knowing you, I know you won't lose hope, but I tell my story to let you know they can pull through such a horrific illness.
Thinking of you and your love and thanking you for some of the very nice things you have said to me throughout the years.
"I had never lost hope... and I DID believe my eyes, because I have seen this very miracle before!! Still, it is an amazing, spiritual, powerful experience!"
I remember one of the miracles that happened for you and Lynn in March, 2012. So, today I will say what I said to you then: you are a true beacon of light, faith and hope in this world.
Yes Nikki. Your are awesome and so is Lynn. I am heading out to mow the grass, and just had a prayer and a plea for you both. My heart hurts so much though worrying about you all.
I am crashing.... I felt it coming and am so thankful I made it home safely. I slept a total of 4 hours Thursday night, and nothing since. Well, unless you count the almost 10 minutes when I fell asleep on the toilet! lol
Now, before you (lovingly) lecture me, understand that I did truly try to rest. I am on antibiotics for Strep, bronchitis and a sinus infection. The coughing makes sleep near impossible. Due to the pain that coughing trigger with my Trigeminal Neuralgia, I do have a narcotic cough syrup, but I was not allowed to have it in the hospital, and neither could I function on it.
Also, I am assuming watching Lynn's fight for his life messed up my adrenalin function though I wanted to sleep, I could not sit still, nor could I shut off my mind.
Now I am beyond tired and I know sleep will come....
Lynn is safe. The male nurse he adores is taking care of him tonight...So I felt safe leaving him their capable hands to come home and try for a few hours of sleep.
He had a stellar day, all things considered. The septic shock (sepsis) is clearing!!
Before I turn in, I just had to let you all know he is holding his own. Even ate 100 percent of his dinner!
And Bev, I am so sorry for the trauma you and your dear husband experienced. Thank you for sharing your story with us!
This is the third time Lynn has had a blood infection, the second time that it went septic. This is his (well hell, I cant recall right now... but the number is high!) that he has survived pneumonia in late stage Alzheimer's. How he survived just one, is amazing enough.... but both together, plus a sinus infection, ... well, where I was weak in faith once, I am not any longer......
((group hug))
Oh and Abby, I remember clearly your reply.. it is just as moving now.
Dear Coco, if you have time.. take my spirit with you to "our" turtle pond. :)
Nikki, your posts touch my heart. What an example you are setting, for me at least. You are a good, loving wife & I can see in your comments that he loves you very much. You have been a blessed woman. I'll think of you & Lynn & send a petition in your names straight up to the Heavens, where God himself will hear........
Nikki, I am almost having to take a tranquilizer myself, hearing about the horrific experiences you are going through. You are one strong, titanium woman! Blessings to you and Lynn.
Thank you all so much for your concern, prayers and support! We have a storm coming the next couple of days so I came home just now to shower, spend some time with my pups and family before I go back tonight to beat the storm. They have a couch that turns into a bed in his ICU unit, but have chosen instead to sit by his bed where I can hold his hand. I might try that couch out tonight :)
Lynn was tired this evening, but not lethargic. He had a very good day and just tires so easily. He was more his "ol' self today than he has been since September when the oral thrush first appeared. I think the 2 strong antibiotics he has been on for the septic shock, must also be clearing up whatever else has been troubling him. They also found out that even though he had been passing stool, he was nearly impacted! No wonder the poor bugger was so lethargic.
His eyes were bright, his voice stronger. He did struggle to find his words, and the sentence he started, often ended in "gibberish".. but that has been going on for years now. What I found most amazing is that he seems so much better, stronger, even though he is still fighting so hard with the blood infection and pneumonia.
He is much more responsive than he has been in the last several months. When the doctor asked him if he was feeling better, with emotion he replied " oh! so, so better!" WOW.......
I wanted to share with you a very moving moment that deeply affected me today... I shared it with my facebook friends and family earlier.. here is what I wrote ...
" I wanted to share with you a remarkable healing that is taking place in my own heart....
"First and foremost, is the incredible love you share. The way he connects with you, the bond you share is simply amazing. You are his purpose. His strength, his will to live...."
This was his primary doctors words to me early this morning while we were talking about Lynn's battle and fight for life. Many people have told me similar things before. And here is the thing....when you are young and dreaming about your Prince charming, having someone love you to that degree is more than one could dream for.
When you are in the hospital, watching the person you love most in life.....fighting so incredibly hard to fight off the infection trying to claim him.... it is not the thing childhood dreams are made of.
It is sheer torture witnessing the torture Lynn and his body went through in his fight for life. When I was watching his whole body thrash in painful convulsions...the force was so strong, that my body, draped over his was also being shook...to the point that my teeth were literally "chattering" too. Time and time again, countless minute after minute, I watched his chest heave and thrust as his heart fought that mighty battle.....
*tears* It was then that I broke down in sobs, while trying to explain to her.....that though to be loved to that degree is indeed life's greatest blessing....that it hurt me so deeply to know that Lynn had suffered so greatly, due to his love for me.
I told her how I couldn't bear to see him suffer like that, and that I literally begged him to please, take rest, don't fight so hard! Because, though I love him deeply, and I do so desperately want to keep him with me....but, not at any cost. Not at the cost of him suffering!
And this beautiful soul, this hospice doctor, embraced me as I sobbed and said to me "but, I don't look at it that way, I look at it that you give him reason to live. You have made his life so happy that he feels it is worth the fight! I know it was incredibly difficult to watch him suffer so badly while he fought so hard....but Nikki, you know what I see in my line of work! You see first hand every day, how lonely and sad life can be for so many of our ill elderly, how tragic their last year's are for them! Can you not try to weigh the sadness of this one struggle, and compare it to the joy you bring him, every single day of his life?"
I nearly stumbled as I felt the staggering weight of that burden, that guilt being lifted from me........ She gave me a gift, one that I am so grateful for! Thank you for letting me share with you not just the sad, but also this powerful healing......."
.......... This is not a new guilt, it has plaque me every time Lynn has been sick and struggling.. for years! It will take awhile to let it go completely, but it is such a blessing to not carry that huge weight any more.
Blessings to all of you. You remain an important part of my life, and I am grateful to have you ((Hugs))
Nikki, there is little I can think of to say...........except what a testament for the love you have shared & continue to share. Remarkable & beautiful.
From reading your posts over the years, it is evident how deeply Lynn and you love each other. You have always been there for him, and I am sure he knows how lucky he is to have you in his corner.
I think he will continue to fight to stay with you for as long as possible, just as you would "fight the good fight" to stay with him. No guilt anywhere, just a beautiful testament to true love.
Nikki, could it be possible that the thrush Lynn suffered with earlier be at the root of this recent problem? How amazing that the meds he is on now is giving him relief of the thrush problem too. Lynn is quite a champ to be able to fight on the way he does...Your hospice doctor is quite right, I think Lynn just deep inside himself knows just who you are and what you have done and how hard you fight for his health, comfort and care..and in his way he is trying to show how much he appreciated and understands just what it means to him and you.. Bless you both.
You are all such kind, compassionate people! Thank you once again for supporting me, for lending me your strength. I didn't sleep last night, I had every intention of sleeping through the night. Until, they decided Lynn was well enough to lower his oxygen again. And though I know I have no control in the grand scheme of things, I DO have control in that I could stay awake and monitor his oxygen levels. Had they done it during the day, I would not have been so nervous. But he (and most all of us) desaturate at night, I just couldn't sleep worried about if he was struggling for breath.
So, I am once again, or still, just dog tired. But I did have to get on to let you all know that Lynn was discharged today!! Are you kidding me?! I was told just yesterday it would be at least 4 more days, possibly up to 10. And I was told first, when he was well enough he would be transferred from the ICU to a regular room. His stats impressed all of the doctors so much, that they decided to discharge him today, right out of the ICU.
He was so happy to be "home". His beautiful smile is radiant, and all the staff was fawning all over him. He repeated several times, while looking around his room, "this is sooo good!". It was an eventful day for him, so he of course tired easily. But mere words cannot possibly express how delighted, how grateful I am to see the light in his eyes, the spark back in his animations, and the happiness reflected in his voice. Yeah, I do believe in miracles ♥
Knowing that Lynn was happy and safe, when he fell asleep after dinner, I decided follow "Dr. Mimi's" orders :) I am now home and plan to spend the evening with my family, my pups, and the bathtub :) Then I am going to sleep for hours and hours!
Mimi, when I first heard his blood went septic, the very first thought I had was the thrush. It has been going on for months now, and it has affected his quality of life greatly. He in fact still has it. But every doctor assured me that though it could make him feel miserable, the thrush is not the kind of bacteria that can cause such a massive infection. They said they know it was from the pneumonia.
Still, it can't be denied that he is feeling better than he has in months!! So that tells me that the strong antibiotics have also taken care of the other problems he was having. Though they are treating him with a different medication for the thrush. And he will continue on antibiotics for the pneumonia for another 10 days.
What I find odd at this very moment, is how in the world can I still be functioning so well on so little sleep for so long? It must be the adrenalin? It is the strangest feeling, to be sooo tired, but not have it effect my abilities. I was so worried I might fall asleep at the wheel, but nope! I was alert and attentive, never once feeling I might nod off. It is just perplexing, and mysterious, and a bit amazing, what our bodies can endure.
Again, thank you all so much for being here for me, and with me ((Hugs))
Now, Nikki..it is late and if you haven't done so yet, GET THEE TO BED!!!! Take a pup with you if you need to, a drink of water and snooze away...then get up and have a good healthy breakiepoo..put your best foot forward and go take on the day!! That is my RX..and I'm sticking to it..