Another year almost gone. Let it go. The weather outside is cold. Thankful no snow like many have to deal with. The sun came out so we went for a walk. During the summer was a nightmare due to surgical menopause and horrible hot flashes every time I moved. The cold is not much better - instead of hot flashes I am dealing with cold feet.
Husband continues to loose ground little by little. When we go places if he talks in the care he says some of the dumbest things about what he sees. His short term memory is 5 seconds but then surprises me when he does remember. Long term is going but not sure how far back. A lot I think depends on the subject.
Oh well -welcome December. Will be glad when it is over.
Hi Charlotte. Yes it is a tough month. I am fairly new here, but see your name so often. Please remind me of your situation. How long has your husband been ill and what stage is he in? The holidays can be tough under the best of circumstances, but living in an Alzhrimers world makes it especially difficult.
If you click on a person's name, many of us have the info there. My husband was diagnosed in 2008 at age 60. He is now 67 and slooooooooowly going down. His dad had AD 25+ years before he died, his younger sister just died in July after 9 years. I pray he goes fast like his sister but so far he seems to not be. His sister was further along at 6 years but then she lived alone or in a facility. I do not want to deal with this for 20+ years like some have. We also live in a motorhome and all the upkeep is left to me now. But, I am grateful he is not violent, angry or hard to deal with although that definitely can happen. His sweet, calm, never get angry sister - in January she went psychotic, spent 6 months with them trying to find a combo until one day she collapsed and died 6 weeks later. It was really hard on her daughters seeing her that way, having her say nasty things to them and being violent cause they were always so close. Our kids don't come around nor are part of our life. We are in contact with 2 of our grandkids who live with their mom (divorced from our son) and that is a bright spot in my life.
I have never liked the holidays. As a child it was so stressful cause my abusers would all be in one place so I spent all my time dodging them. I tried to make it special for my kids, but never worked so I eventually gave up and just concentrate on the 'reason for the season' for me - Jesus.
You're right Charlotte - let the year go. December is the darkest month of the year in the northern Hemisphere. The shortest day of this month and this year will be December 21st. The good news is that the days will start to get longer after that.
When I visited my husband last week I learned that he has been waking up every hour at night. Basically, he's napping instead of sleeping. I should have been notified of this sooner. Tonight, when I went to see him, I learned that he has started having behavioral issues late in the day and that the doctor has prescribed Ativan every night, as opposed to as needed. We have a care plan meeting on the 18th and I'll bring this up. For the last several years, he has always gotten edgier when the days get shorter. With so few resources to call on, he really needs his sleep.
May we all sleep well this month and wake up to some longer and sunnier days in January.
Right on Charlotte. I have a SAD lamp and it's time to bring it out. I'm finding that I am crying more now but at least I am not needing the Ativan anymore. I have my Christmas tree and village set up but don't turn them on. I wonder if I should have not set them up this year but just used my little ceramic tree this year?
Jazzy do turn on the lights. I put up less lights outside. I wasn't going to put them up, but it did help my mood. I put less ornaments on our tree. Last year I cried the whole time I put it up. DH is still at home this year. But I don't see him being home next Christmas. I want it to be like it always has. I know it isn't. But the lights on makes me have joy.
My tree is up but not decorated. It's a prelighted tree so I will turn the lights on and try to decorate tomorrow through tears. My DH has declined into stage 7 and, like jackiem29, I'm not sure he will still be home by next Christmas. Just read Divvi's post - more tears. We have all learned to love her here at Joan's place.
Jazzy I agree light your tree and village. Charlotte. Thank you for the info on how to get more information on everyone. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.
It's hard to believe it's December and my DH and I are officially 4-1/2 years into this disease, although I think it was starting four years before the diagnosis. Within the last two weeks he has become obsessive about eating. It usually starts after we have our midday meal and continues until bedtime. He literally is asking if there's more food as he's still eating. He specifically asks for cake or cookies. Last night I found him starting to eat uncooked oatmeal which he had poured onto a plate to eat with a spoon. I'm looking into getting a lock for our refrigerator and maybe childproof locks for our kitchen cabinets. I know he's been declining since early September as he's more confused about past events, thinking that he attended university in Europe (he attended here) and that his parents are still alive and he goes to eat lunch with his mother sometimes (she's been dead for 20 months). He's also experiencing nighttime urinary incontinence at least 5 out of 7 nights per week. I know he's in Stage 6 now and I'm trying not to even think about how much longer this will last. I need to focus on the holidays and cobble together some type of Christmas celebration, although I know it will be very low key.
Charlotte, I am constantly amazed at how similar our situations seem to be (well, except for the RV!). Attitudes as well. Kind of a "sisters of the heart" thing.
Surprised hb today by going down to the humane society to look at dogs. They had a terrier mix, Beka, on their webpage but she is in training and has a long waiting list - we are like #8. So we looked at the ones they just got in from California that are in quarantine right now. Fell in love with a little girl, Rose, that is part poodle about a year old. So did others - we are #4 on the list. There was another one - I wanted to cry for her. She is almost bald cause they are in the process of cutting her matted fur off. She is a terrier mix, black and white; name Jasmine, must have recently had puppies but she has been spayed. We will go back next week and see how things are going. He is excited about getting another dog.
Last month we watched the neighbors dog while she was gone for 5 days. I decided I was ready again for the responsibility. It has been 6 years since our dog died and almost a year since the cat died.
Forgot - today hb noticed his new glasses are scratched. I told him the clip-ons I told him to quit using did it but he insisted on using them even though the lenses are transition. Now the next few days will be him trying to figure out why they are scratched!!
My neighbour across the street just called. He's had an eye operation where he's legally blind in one eye and now has had a cataract operation in the other. He lives alone and could he possibly call me if he runs into trouble? He knows I'm almost always at home these days. Sure he can. He rides a Harley most of the time. Two of the guys on the court have a Harley Davidson. I could hear his cockatoo talking in the background. It's a hilarious bird that has an unbelievable amount to say. He also has a little dog. And a tendency to have huge parties with live bands he knows. I remember coming home late one night and hardly being able to get into my driveway. The center little park was full of cars on the lawn where there must have been fifty people standing around with drinks in their hands. The music was good though and I went out to the front window later and noticed two young people were copulating on my front lawn. I left them to it. For all I know they were having the time of their life. I remember thinking it was like having Animal House across the street.
The elderly couples who invite me over for a Christmas drink every year mentioned the party and I told them about the frivolity on my lawn. An interesting mix of reactions where Jack who is 94 was snoozing through the get together now that he's too lazy to snow blow my driveway anymore. But David from Jamaica the next door down stepped in and blew out my driveway all winter. His family arrived in Jamaica in the 1600's from England and he has the most amazing thick Jamaican accent. He can't this year because he's heavily involved in his church now that he's retired. So I went across the street to Harriet and talked to her about the service she used last year. She takes care of her husband the retired university professor who is in a motorized wheelchair now. If you see him, run, because he can talk your ear off and is oblivious to people rolling their eyes and shuffling their feet to get away no matter how much time is given.
She lives beside the music man and beside the Grebs who's family owns a shoe company up here. He's about my age and his teacher in public school was Jack's wife, the 94 year old sloth who won't do my driveway anymore. Jack used to be a VP at Schneiders a local food company and his boss was the best friend of the father of one of my x-friends in Mather's Corners who's name was Harold Mather. When I went to Harold's funeral a few years ago I met the CEO of Schneiders and told him I live beside Jack.
Wait. My best friend comes from a smallish town called Guelph. His father used to sell funeral home products and he knew Harold Mather because Harold used to run a funeral home out there and they knew each other for years. I reconnected them when I found out.
Getting back to the fellow across the street with the parties and the cockatoo who is blind right now, he met this girl on the internet who unexpectedly crossed the street and ended up with my other next door neighbour. I recall him being over one night after he'd taken care of his mother for years and was now alone - I told him he had to get out there because it was unlikely he would find a woman in his backyard. Boy was I wrong. That was last year and they not only live together, she's the tomato lady who leaves fresh tomatoes on my steps because I help her with her art where she loves to watercolour.
Where was I? Oh yes. So I'm on call for two people right now.
Well, Jack my neighbour is certainly the opposite of lazy. He really did blow out my driveway two years ago at 92 though. Jack doesn't stop and he really did snooze most of the last Christmas get together. I've read through it and it's all as stated.
No, I'm not here to amuse anyone anymore than anyone is here to amuse me. I've expressed myself like that at times all the way through where in this case I'm reminding myself how rich The Big Empty around me actually is if I had any feelings.
I had a really good moment. I've talked about my sister many times and that she was abused by our grandfather and that I've been talking to her about it trying to help pop that bubble. I called her because I needed to talk to someone and I reached out to her. Some of the pent up feelings broke out and she hung in there with me and helped me talk about some of the feelings we all know so well. She told me later in our talk when our upbringing came up and this time my sister said she's letting that go where I've brought it up so often always saying I should have supported her and that she was as blameless as her own grandchildren would be. She told me talking about it had helped - so I told her talking this day had helped me.
With the neighbour across the street, I put his garbage bins up beside his house which someone else had put out for him and knocked on the door to see how he was doing. I had to call out that it was me before he answered the door because he's blind right now and when he did I asked him if he needed anything. This is a big brute of a man who is easily six feet seven and 250lbs mostly in the shoulders. He's about 45 I would guess. He said no he was getting along alright and about ten minutes after I was back in the house he called me a bit emotional and thanked me for caring enough to come and check on him. These motorcycle types are so tough but all you have to do is look at people as though they were five years old and ascribe everything else to the wear and tear of time and experiences and you don't go wrong.
I also got a call from David, the schoolboy my age who's teacher lives next to me and I've been invited to this year's Christmas get together again. I've always gotten a box of Christmas baking and with a little luck that will be in the cards again.
It's hard these days because my Dianne is riding the scree of the last hurrah and has not suffered for it yet with pain or real discomfort. It focuses everything like the white tip of a welding torch when you go into palliative care and then come out and then go in and then come out which is where we are right now. I don't believe she is fighting because she wants more of this but her young body is strong and she still has well over a year to go before she becomes a senior citizen.
I'm still here. The ranks have thinned out and poor Dianne's affliction is taking so long that she doesn't know about three of her close friend's deaths and the pain that has caused to others very dear to her. She is surviving them in a fool's gold kind of way where she doesn't know what she's missed these years either good or bad. But I'm still here and with a lost decade and no idea what to do with myself in the core, I know this place so much better it does feel like a second chance to have a life.
When Dazed asked me if I was trying to amuse us I reacted to the false note that would imply. In other words that I was just trying to be clever. I am trying to do that at the lodge where I'm not being me, I'm purposefully trying to create a sense of refuge in the mind during the holidays which are often hard on us. But I think everybody understands that. My real guts litter this place. Like this post where I feel really good about my sister but I haven't shared this anywhere else. I think of Charlotte where all I want is healing of wrong done.
The thing is these really are my stories and this really is how I think and even though I know I'm swinging things around at times or being satirical - my mind works that way by nature. I don't ask my mind to sing out "on with the show...this is it!" when I'm thinking about having to keep going. It just does. My whole life I've watched people intensely and I come alive inside when I'm following comedy and whatever I consider clever stuff. I may be sitting quietly but my mind has Jim Carrey in the yellow banana suit as The Mask saying "here's what it is see?" in a James Cagney accent. All I can do is promise you that's how it is and way weirder inside here. I can take Ophelia floating down the stream in Hamlet and hear the Young Frankensteen fake lightning light up the cardboard castle. I'm so used to maniacal jumps like that it's normal for me. Then I want to say something and it's always a parade of stuff saying "how about this?" and maybe in a hat and not an ogre but a troll imitating Charlie Chaplain but he's so slow and uncoordinated, poor guy like the monster in Young Frankenstein on stage in the tux singing "Putting on the Ritz" and it's just like that non-stop in here.
I never grew up. I said that. I've overcompensated low self esteem. Nobody believes me. Well, let me tell you something! I have real feelings. And just as soon as I find them I can prove that. Hey! Who put that Elvis Presley outfit on President Lincoln. That just wrong!
The last 60 days have been a roller coaster - Nov was the first anniversary of DW's passing. The week prior and after Nov. 17, I was treated to a series of amazing blooms of her favorite orchids. I only wish we could post pics here.
Dec. - Part of the joys of living in Fl. I received an Email for a last min booking on a cruise 5 days @159.00 for a balcony room + $100 ship board credit on a Friday. That Monday "A" and I departed for our first vacation together. Neither of us needed another T-Shirt or trinket so we never left the boat, acting instead like a couple on their honeymoon. Sleeping late, breakfast in bed, dining and dancing the nights away. Feeling free of memories of torments suffered by DW the prior six years. There is hope of a happy life after AD
Yesterday my youngest cat locked himself in the bathroom after I left for work and our son left for school. Not the first time. But he must have done it early in the day because I had to do a poop patrol when I got home.
I need to find something to keep the door open because I know this stupid cat will close the door on himself again.
Wolf, I'm sorry I offended you by asking if you were making up the stories about your neighbors. The people in your neighborhood seemed so ..ah, interesting, I didn't know if you were inventing people or if they were real. We live in the country so I'm not familiar with all that goes on when you live in an exciting place with close neighbors. Enjoyed reading about what goes on in your neighborhood.
Dazed, I apologize for adding to your troubles. I remember my own poop era and it was very hard to face. I promise you that snippy remark was much more about my own changes where facing palliative care twice in the last two months and her eating again after days of not eating is hard. I shouldn't react like that and I'm sorry I did.
Today I did it - took the plunge and commitment. We adopted a 1 year old terrier mix from the humane society today. Her name is Jasmine. When we saw her 1 1/2 weeks ago she would not look at you and was matted up. She was a rescue dog from California (the organization that Betty White and Bob Barker work with), had been trimmed some before she was sent here probably when she was spayed. Today she looked much better, although 'naked' in a lot of area, with just a few mats on her tail which I have already cut off. She is very loving and loves to walk. They said she never dirtied her cage but waited until she was taken out, so I am hopeful she is house trained some. Right now she is sleeping in hb's lap.
I'm so glad for you. What a wonderful gift to yourself, your husband, and to Jasmine. Each of my companion animals, past and present, have been rescues. Whether I am getting through or not is debatable, but they have brought me immeasurable comfort.
I just did a terrible thing and I feel great about it.
I just got an email from my SIL and I wrote back a big long email blasting them all where I wrote every last thing down, told them off, and hit 'send'.
That was just two minutes ago. I feel giddy. This is going to cause an explosion which I'm never going to hear about because they all hate confrontation and conflict. I don't and I'm honed.
Wow! I told her family off! Merry Christmas everybody!
(I'm going to feel bad about this later but I may as well enjoy the thrill)
Hi Carol! How are you? I probably should be more appreciative. After all my niece comes all the way from Victoria (again this week) to snub me. The thing is I know she loves me and it's my nefarious nephew of the self indulgent and self absorbed school of art.
I feel bad that I unloaded on her. She's going to be feeling that it's unkind to say terrible things at Christmas after all she's suffering so much (and she is) because her sister is dying. It's not unkind to do them but it's unforgivable to say them. At least, I'm counting on that.
We live what we believe. You, Carol, know this more than almost anyone here. I'm done with that outfit, I said what I believe, I'm sorry it's hurtful, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
today is 4 months since Dado left us. If you would like to see the Facebook photos...request to be "friended" I resisted Facebook but the advocacy wanted me to do it. Glad I did actually.
I miss him to the moon and back..twice. Good wishes to each and every one of you.
Charlotte, I debate & debate with myself about getting a dog - no puppy, thanks! At least a year old like yours. But then I think, what if I'm gone from the house for a couple of hours (I can still do that) & the dog has to go outside. Will Dan know what to do, will he be able to handle the dog, will he lock them both out of the house? If the dog gets away from him, will he go after it, then forget where he is?
Am I being too much of a worrier about this? Also, the expense of a dog - I'm not sure it would be doable for us......so many things to consider, but I need something to love & snuggle!!!
We took her to the vet for her free wellness checkup. She is fine except for a dirty ear and possible kennel cough. The costs were outrageous. For the first visit if it were not free was $550. 00. To clean the ear, test to see the problem and medication $200. Antibiotic for the cough was $50. X-Ray to check for collapsing esophagus or something like that $250. Came home researched and the medicine for ear that she charges $60 for I can get online for $20. I can also try homeopathic remedies for a couple bucks to $20. As for if it is kennel cough the more accepted method is no treatment, let it run its course - 2 to 4 weeks unless it gets worse. So I will treat the ears with either home remedies or buy treatments that have proven to work. Wait to see how the cough goes.
Like dentists, I see why people avoid veterinary doctors.
Mim I considered those things. She seems to be house broken, so leaving her by herself is no problem. Art is rarely home alone, so for me that is not a concern - at least not now. I was thinking more on when/if we move into an apartment we would probably been on an upper floor which will be a lot different than walking out our door. Decided I would cross that bridge when it happens. I wait to go to bed until 11:30 or midnight to take her out (sleep at 1 am) then get up at 7 to take her out. She doesn't want to go but she has no choice. This morning she was back in bed under the covers before I got my shoes and coat off!! I go back and try to get a couple more hours of sleep.
I went out Christmas shopping for my family where I only went to the pet specialty store nearby. I was going to run out of cat food on Christmas day when everything around here is closed. So I bought a fake lion fluffy bed for the meagre outlay of 29.95. There are two of them but I'm going to have to see some interest. Which they didn't. Both of them hardly glanced at me. So chuckling to myself I went up to my room where there is a swatch of catnip drying and I ground it up and rubbed it into the plush fake lion fur. I was leaving the living room when I heard them both jump down to investigate.
How about that? I bought presents for someone at Christmas. I tell you my life is just blossoming. I also got a large bag of outrageously expensive bird food. When the train comes in everybody rides.
I got up this morning thinking about what I said to my wife's family. I need at least one sleep to know how I feel about something more - or at least that I'm not having other thoughts about it the next morning. That email I sent is probably flying around between shocked people thinking Wolf has lost his mind. Well you just go on thinking that my little darlings because having told them they stink and this is over, I'm in the mood to buy presents.
I understand I've hurt people who don't see things the way I see them and think it's me. That's as close as some relationships get which I've seen so often. I know why. They never evolved the degree of emotion it takes to achieve more intimacy with the people that have meaning around them. That may not be their fault when they're growing up. Perhaps proper behavior was more important than learning to have and express deep feelings. Often it comes down to comfort zone. And I quite agree there's a certain style to comporting ourselves well. I'm sure nobody regrets giving up wild and giddy moments so they could achieve that style. Isn't that right Darth? Darth Vader is my penis. Darth, meet the Alzheimer's board. Board, this is Darth. "Lou, I am your father" he mutters through the trousers He never could get the lines straight, but we're growing old together and we have a very close and rich relationship. Where was I? Oh yes, the joys of proper behavior.
I bought myself a Christmas present yesterday - a remote starter for my car, which is parked in the parking lot of the retirement Inn I live in. This way it will be warm, and ice melted from the windshield by the time I get to it. And, it works from my apartment which is on the opposite side of the building from the parking lot.
Today I joined my husband for dinner at noon in the care unit. He was more confused than he was at Thanksgiving. He ate his dinner roll with his fork and ate the roast beef and green beans with his fingers. Two service dogs visited the unit, one right after dinner and the other late in the afternoon. He enjoyed that and I took pictures of him petting them. After dinner, I took him for a long ride on country roads. He clearly enjoyed getting out; he chatted the whole time. Back in the day, one of our favorite pastimes was taking rides in the country and stopping for dinner on the way home.
I’m going to take a rest before heading over to the lodge.
I took my mother with me to visit hubby. My son and daughter in law came. We had a few gifts. He did not know how to unwrap the gifts. He did recognize me as soon as I walked in. That is not always the case. I brought some cookies and pop which he enjoyed. We stayed about 1-1/2 hours. I came home and am enjoyed quiet after out big family gathering last night. I wonder what the new year will bring.
Spent Christmas at home, DH & I and a substitute aide. No tree or decorations this year, I didn't even wrap his presents. Broke my heart when I handed him the 2 boxes...both boxes were marked "For children 1-3 years old". One was foam building blocks (so as not to harm me or the dog when he throws them) and another was wooden shapes on curled wires that you move from one end to another. He did enjoy them and the aide played with him so he had some interaction and got his competitive juices flowing. All in all not a bad day but not like it used to be.
LFL yes I too remember the childrens toys, and coloring books. The past year and a half he could not even use those.
I am glad this season will come to a close. And, I was thinking about Hanukkah. Feeling funny that I wish everyone a Merry Christmas when Hanukkah is an important one too. So a late Happy Hanukkah too!
I wanted to do this post now before I go outside to do yard work and laundry. Feeling upbeat and it is nice to post instead of so much sadness. I had a nice Christmas with the neighbors. We went for a hike in Volcanoes National Park as it was a gorgeous sunny day. Waaaayyy up on the top of Mauna Loa was a dusting of snow, a huge deal for us as it is only once or twice a year.
During the hike, I walked in front, I may be a shortie but I move fast. A HUGE advantage for being short-----I plodded on unaware of the spider webs, below them, and the taller ones behind me had their faces full of spider goop.
Ok out I go to my country laundry. As we use the "water catch" system here, when the water drains in goes in to two big tubs so it can be used for watering plants. I have some pretty strong arms, (besides the menehune short legs), from carrying it all.
You have better judgment than I did. In 2010 and/or 2011 (Christmas those years blur for me), I thought Simon and Etch-a-Sketch would be good gift choices for my husband. They were a disaster. Simon was too loud and busy and he broke the Etch-a-Sketch pretty much right away. They were far too advanced for him.
My nephew's wife posted a note to my niece regarding my sister. This is it:
Rhonda: Hi! I was listening to your conversation and hope if you think I can help with Della please ask. I haven't been to see her since I saw you and feel bad about it. I was hoping Rick would ask for help if he needed it. I feel bad for him if he's doing this alone. Sheldon doesn't go over there , and I've asked him too...don't know what to do but I'm available most days cuz I'm home with grandson vin. I don't know enough about dimentia, but I am able to help with doc visits or bringing her meals. Sheldon said it shouldn't be long and you two will get her in a place. Please let me know, I feel helpless.
My comment: Ric worries about Della during the day when he is at work. He usually goes no where on the weekends because he is afraid to leave her. He jumps when she drops something fearing she has had another stroke or dropped dead. Good luck in placing her cause she will fight tooth and nail when it comes to leaving. Ric days are long due to the bus rides to and from work. Would be nice Rhonda if you or Sheldon would give him a couple Saturdays a month to go do something if he wants. As for knowing about dementia I posted some stuff on the reunion web page, you can talk to the Alzheimer's Association, there are Facebook groups like Memory People, USAgainstAlzheimer’s, Dementia Aware, Forget Me Not, Forget Me Not Vascular Dementia - all sites that will help to understand and deal with the person who has dementia.
Her comment back: Sheldon (her husband) can help me thank you
-- I laughed to myself when I read this!
So he has not been to see his mom since the reunion in August. This a guy who said he would visit her weekly. Another nephew and his wife and baby moved into the apartment in September supposedly to help around the property and be there during the day when my brother (Ric) is at work. I warned my nephew and his dad, my brother, living there will not be a good move for a young couple. He assured me that they had been visiting her and it would be fine. I told him visiting and living there are two different things. Well, she is nasty to my nephew's wife and she is afraid of my sister. If they lock the door going into the apartment (they share the kitchen), my sister will get a screwdriver and open it. Basically she is acting the same way she did when my son and his family lived there. So my nephew and family that live in the apartment are not helping at all. According to Ric they have as little contact with her as possible.
As for my nephew Sheldon - he is an ER surgical nurse. He has no experience with dementia except the few times he visits his mom. Sounds like Rhonda thinks because he is a nurse, he knows what it is like. I did call my brother Ric and told him what was being said. He said our niece Deidre is going to see about someone coming in a couple times a week. That ought to be fun!! My sister will fight that. Ric also told me they would only move our sister over his dead body. He remembers all too well our mom going through this only she had physical problem besides dementia. She basically died mostly alone in the nursing home. Due to no vehicle for my brother to get there, he was unable to visit. Oh he is the baby of the family too.
Eventually our sister will probably have to be placed, but for now if they can get some in-home help that would be good. Last year I even told my niece, who has her mom's POA, that if need be we would come back there. But she has never called me and won't even answer my emails when I ask questions.
This has been an eventful month. DH can no longer start shower brush teeth etc. he has chipped a front tooth. Hope dentist is open today. He had know idea what to do with presents. He has had trouble with using utensils and eating for awhile. I see he has been where a lot of spouses are and they are already placed. I really need to do that. The poop issue is taking me out. Christmas went well with DD home. She is still not eating well and looked thinner if possible. I feel for her husband. If you did not read previous post she has anorexia. Oldest DD and grandson staying this week too. It is nice to have adult conversations. Her husband left for a trip Saturday. My dad was in the hospital again and went home on Christmas Eve. It was a good visit. His heart is back in rythum. He will need a procedure for pacemaker in 2 weeks. I was able to visit him without DH since DDs were here. I don't know what I expect for new year. Not really expecting anything different. Really feel numb right now. To much activity and to much extended family. Mainly his. Neither one of his children came to see him for thanksgiving or Christmas. Didn't really expect it. His mom went on how his son was family focused. I had to correct her on that. She was quiet then.
Do you think you'll seek placement in the New Year, Jackie? I know we were talking before about the layout of your house, and that you couldn't really renovate the downstairs to make it possible for when he can't do the stairs. And with the well-known AD poop issues, he's really going to need to be able to be showered.I had to chuckle about the teeth brushing issues. With my DH, it was just the opposite. He would start brushing and wouldn't stop…he would stand there and brush his teeth for 30 minutes…surprised he had any left…lol.
Elizabeth*9/2/14 I do plan on placing this year. Our daughters and his are on board with it. Not sure if his son will be. I know his mom and sisters will be a problem. But then, where are they. Not helping me. Now that he needs so much care they say he is more comfortable with me. His mom makes comments about ALFs all the time. She is 86. She does well by herself, but is making poor decisions lately. I guess she doesn't want to go in one. I need to get guardianship. I just keep putting it off. I do not want the fight that will come. We have been married 30 years should be no argument. It's funny how I was good enough for the first 30 years and we did fine. But now, when it is up to me to make decisions, I cannot be trusted. They just don't know I have always handled everything anyway. Trusted enough to clean poop, feed and all the other things. Everything he and I have WE worked and sacrificed for. Not any of them. Oh well, I can fight the good fight. Learned how with his exwife the first years. Probably to much information. Making appointments to visit places next week when daycare worker is here.
Well, of course he's more comfortable with you! Doh! Because you're doing everything for him! But what about you? When do you get to be more comfortable? Sheesh, how I do remember those days. Jackie, just make sure you're on firm legal ground, and then do what you need to do. Just because you're placing him in a facility does not mean that you're not taking care of him. You are just taking care of him in a different way.
jackiem29, I sympathize with your having to get a guardianship to place your husband in a nursing home. That's just one more expense and hassle you have to deal with. Is it your state or the NHs that are requiring guardianship? Luckily, I did not have to go that route. The DPOA and Health Care Proxy were enough for the LTC facility.
My question is: Why do you think you have to fight any battles? If you are talking about the legal process of being appointed guardian, it may be easier to get appointed if you have the agreement of certain of your husband's relatives, but that does not mean you need the agreement of everyone in his extended family. Ask your lawyer about that. Even if his mother and sister do not agree to your being named guardian, do you really think they would go to court to oppose you? You know you are doing the right thing. Go forward without fear.
If you don't need the OK of his mother and sisters for legal reasons, I suggest you ignore their comments. Based on what you have posted here, you are never going to win their approval so why waste your energy trying to get it? I suggest that if they ask any questions, answer them briefly and change the subject, but don't explain yourself. If they voice any criticism, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and change the subject. If their minds are already made up, anything you say will only give them more ammunition for criticizing you.
I am not sure about the state. We live in Georgia. I was under the impression I need it. I have DPOA and healthcare. I thought if they refuse to go you have to have it. I will look further or speak to the facilities I visit. I have the paperwork for guardianship to fill out. My attorney said the only ones in hearing would be me and the children. But the paperwork asks for siblings and parents. His sister, her husband, aunt, and his mom, talked him in to revolving my DPOA. They had taken him for a weekend so I could get rest. Some rest. I did get that fixed. When this is over I will never see them again. The only reason I do now is for DH. The only one he sees on a regular basis is his mom. His sister and her husband appoligized. His mom never has. But I still do not trust any of them. Our oldest daughter will have nothing to do with them now. She saw what I went through and what I have done for them over the years.
OMG! I cannot imagine having to go through such a thing. What awful people. They sound like sneaks and cowards, though. Thank goodness your have your daughter's support.
If your husband is refusing to go into a facility, I guess that's a completely different matter. My husband was never formally declared to be incompetent and that was not required by the facility, but his disease was so far along when he was admitted that he did not even realize where he was.