Happy Thanksgiving everyone....I am thankful for this site and for Joan and all of you. In fact, this is the first place I thought of turning to after the events of the past 24 hours. My husband, Pat, has EOAD. I have two boys 12 and 11. I was put in the position of having to run my husband's insurance claims business and the business had declined because of his disease before we knew what was going on. We have a building north of Boston. We had a purchase and sale on this building a year and a half ago that would have put us in a better financial position. However, we could not sell the building because of a dry cleaning business that occupied the building in 1978, which before environmental laws and regulations, dumped toxic dry cleaning solvent and it has not contaminated the building, the air and the soil in the area. I hired an environmental company and attorney and $50,000.00 later (out of our savings and retirement) and they finally advised me that the clean up exceeded the worth of the property. I was advised not to pay the mortgage and taxes and haven't for 8 months. My husband and our business was served a Summons and Complaint this week and the court attached our business bank account until further court proceedings. I was supposed to make payroll on November 30th but now cannot. I have poured blood and sweat and our personal savings into the business to try to revive it so that it could provide me and my kids an income. The bank called me yesterday at 2 to tell me that the Court put a hold on money. I am thankful for so much....I really am, but I cannot catch a break. I am trying to put it all in perspective and am trying desperately not to ruin my boys' Thanksgiving. I never gave it any thought that they might want to attend a football game today. I have been preoccupied with this headache and dreading Thanksgiving where not only my husband, but his brother, who will also be sitting at the table, have moderate Alzheimers. My boys just went to a neighbors house to play football with their son. When they arrived at the door they were told that the son is with his dad at a Thanksgiving football game. I felt very sad. Sad that the dad did not ask my boys to go with them and sad that they can no longer do something like that with their dad. Again, I am trying to keep it all together, but it is very hard and I knew you would all understand.
Christine - I don't know what to say except you are one brave woman with a giant load on you. I'm sure there are others who will be posting to lend moral support also. My prayers for you and perhaps the neighbor will become more aware of how he can help as time passes.
Christine, .......I very seldom feel that I have anything to contribute here, but I was so touched by your story that I'm going to give it a try. At the age of 93, I think I've gone through my share of bad times, but the bad times are over now, and I look back on them as just a bad dream that never really happened. .......The one thought that saved me during the bad times was that "Adversity builds strength". ....So true.....And now I feel like a much stronger person for having accepted the challenge and survived. ..... I can tell by your writing, Christine, that you have a good attitude and have a lot going for you. You are young and have a great future ahead of you. Your boys will remember this and be so proud of their mother. And best of all, Christene......You've got grandkids comming your way.........The best thing that was ever invented....... .....One last thought.......Without bad times, one never appreatiates the good times.
Christine, I feel really bad for you. Having boys so young trying to deal with this disease must be doubly difficult. I think I would just be honest with them about how you feel (not overboard, though), how you're so sorry that they may be disappointed, but that you are family no matter what & that you will get through all of this as a team. And tell them how much you love them & how much their father loves them, even if it isn't evident now.
George, you are a gem. You are a kind & a wise man - it's a pleasure to "know" you, even through just a couple of comments. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hi Christine, What a nightmare! Your decision about the building sounds like the only logical one. I have known people who have gone through this process and I completely sympathize.
Being sued and subjected to collection and foreclosure of property is enough to demoralize anyone and to raise one's blood pressure to dangerous levels. Even though you know this is the right decision, it goes against everything you've been taught and makes you feel that there is no stability in your life. Make sure your lawyer tells you about what to expect in the legal proceedings so you will not be thrown for a loop with each event.
I agree with George that your boys will remember this and will be proud of you when they are old enough to understand what happened. My brother-in-law, who is now in his seventies, still talks with admiration about his mother, who held his family together after his father abandoned them when he was a boy. Not being able to go to football games must be tough for your kids. Would be possible for the wife of your husband's brother to watch your husband so you can take your sons to some football games? Your sons might get more out of your taking them to a game than from your fixing them a meal. And maybe if the fathers of your sons' friends see you taking them to games, they will offer to take your boys along with their own sons.
Hi Christine, I hope you made it through the Thanksgiving holiday. I am nine years into my husband's EOAD and although two of my children were in college at the time of his diagnosis, my youngest (a boy) was 13. I am still working, and as my husband has deteriorated significantly, I am trying to keep him at home with the help of cargiver from an agency. As I read your post above, my mind went to my own experience when DH was diagnosed. I literally cried in the Doctor's office because I was so sad for my youngest child. I will never forget the words of the doctor, a wise compassionate woman who soon would have to leave (sacrifice) her own practice to become a hospitalist because she was caring for her own aging parents and the hours were more "regular" than in private practice. She told me that many young people are called in life to help care for invalid parents. They will struggle and will have to grow up faster and differently than their peers, but they will be OK. And it is true. My youngest is 22 now and a wonderful young man. He spent the mealtime yesterday feeding his Dad and talking to him about football (no real interest or response) and has invited his band memebers to come to our house for the next two days. He has had to face this reality. We all have. Itis not one bit easy. You are also experiencing the crushing financial problems that all spouses of EOAD's suffer. I have had to spend oodles of money to strighten my finances out and am STILL doing so. My advice here is to find the best attorney who practices Elder Law. Yes, this may have to be an additional attorney for you. You have many business and real estate decisions to make for yourself and your boys. ALL of those decisions should also be run through your Elder Law attorney to see how it impacts you, your husband and your boys. The future is different for you now. Legally, you must prepare for your husband's care and to protect your assets, right now, to maximize things for your own future and your sons. None of this is easy, cheap or without serious emotional distress. You have entered an alternative path with your husband's diagnosis. You will need an alternative mindset. I have been reading this blog for a long time! Ihave not had much time to post and right now have to go change DH's pants. His bed alarm went off which means he is "trying" to get up! I wish you strength. Loving your children will help you immensely. Keep reading here. Like me, you will nothave much time to post but you will learn and gain strength from those who have had this journey before you. Just like this Thanksgiving has transformed your priorities (re: the football game) you will find that you and your boys will do some things "differently" but they will be just as good, if not even better. Just hearing me husband laugh at the dinner table made my day great! And I stopped inviting any family members who expect me or my children to conform to a "Hallmark Card" kind of holiday. Doesn't happen for us! Good times still DO happen. We are both poorer and richer at the same time. Blessings......
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the kind and inspiring words. I couldn't do this without all of you.....thank you thank you. It helps so much to know that I am not alone. Love to you all. Christine