I visited my DH in the psych ward today (now in there for a month) and he was unusually affectionate and a bit more with it. When it was time for me to leave, he wouldn't let me go and the care aide assisted me to get out the door. I called in when I got home, worried he had another aggressive outburst at that tense moment. Instead I was shocked to hear that instead, he was in tears. The care aide spend a long time holding his hand and consoling him. Well, if that didn't dissolve me into a puddle. This is the hardest thing to take. I think I can handle the aggression better. He is on the wait list for a behavioural care home with the staff and training to handle him and his aggression. I go in and see him daily but soon will have to be working and his care home is in another community 40 min away, so maybe won't see him every day. Sometimes I wish he would disconnect more from me so I won't feel so much guilt. How do you handle the tears?
I think the tears are all part of what we must to go through. I haven't found a way to stop them. I wish someone would tell us how to turn off our hearts when our loved one is diagnosed with this terrible disease. Maybe if that happened they would stop. My DH tells me how much he misses me and how he wants to come home every time I return him to the LTC. It breaks my heart and I just want to run but that would hurt him so I hug him tight then cry halfway home.
It may help to try to be warm and empathetic of course, but in a matter-of-fact way, as if your LO being in the facility with you coming and going is just "normal-normal." Try not to let things get emotionally out of hand when you leave--say something ordinary like, "I've got to get to the bank before they close." or "Let me get home now--I want to get your shirts in the wash so I can bring them back tomorrow." Just very ordinary conversations--like this is just routine…standard operating procedure…all is well…they live here now…and you live there. Don't make it sound like you are leaving and going to do something wonderful--mention that you have to go home and clean the bathroom or something like that. It is touchy and difficult, because of course you just want to put your arms around them and take them right home with you…but if you yourself can stay calm and positive, maybe you can help them keep it on an even keel.
One thought might be to not mention "home". I like elizabeth's suggestion of getting to the bank - or some other chore that he always knew that you did, so he will not question that you have to do it (without him) now.
However .... I too am now dealing with my DH being terribly sad. Not just when I leave but just anytime during the day. He is alternating the extremely sad with being combative/aggressive with aides.
I'm beginning to see that this is a 'stage' in this disease that some people will have to travel through. I am almost beside myself. My only solace is something that another poster said the other day - paraphrased; this is just another thing that we have to go through'. Could have been Myrtle but I cannot remember now. I have carried that thought and repeated it to myself several times this week, as he's entering a new stage that I can't rescue him from or fix in any way. Lord, I ache from this pain. I want to cuddle him but he is not comfortable with me being that close, I want to save him but of course I cannot, I want this to all just stop so he won't leave me. Even when I know what's going to happen, surprisingly, my heart holds out hope.
I can so relate to what’s been said here. My DH is weepy every morning before I arrive (according to staff), waiting for me. One PSW says that he is always fearful that I won’t come, even though I go every day, and spend till bedtime with him. As Elizabeth suggested, I try to keep things as normal as possible, and be as upbeat I can. It is devastating to see the tears and sadness, and to explain, over and over, why he can’t come home with me now. His ‘we need to be together – I need you to stay with me’ ‘I don’t know what to do’ are like a 1000 lb. weight on my heart also. They are trying him on small doses of Respirdal twice daily to begin with, but since the Influenza episode everything is more difficult. When leaving, I say I have to do laundry or housework or paperwork. He tries so hard to say, ‘you need rest’ or ‘you have to do other things, too’, even while he’s teary. When I come home, I can absolutely do nothing but watch TV and try to change my thinking, because the weight of the guilt at leaving him there is so heavy. Wondering if this ‘stage’ ever passes. It is devastating for all of us.
Abauche, I know from the same experience how sad and heart wrenching it is for you. Because he was so difficult when I left, I started telling him I was going to the bathroom and an aide would sort of distract him while I left. It made leaving easier for both of us. After about a month, I told him I was going to the bathroom one day and he said "drive home safely". By then I guess he knew I would be back the next day so it wasn't as traumatic for me to leave.
Don't forget, too, that even if your spouses are at home, the day will probably come when they start begging and pleading to "go home." The heartfelt, emotional pleas of "Take me home, I want to go home." "Liz, when the heck are we gonna go home?" " This is not my home! I want to go home!!" Or something like this: "Isn't it about time we called my mother? I haven't talked to her for awhile." (When she's been deceased for 35 years.) So there you are, moving heaven and earth to keep them out of a nursing home,working yourself to death in that cozy little place they used to love…trying to keep them home with you...and now they think you are that horrible person who is preventing them from going "home." When "home" (wherever that is) no longer exists, nor do the people who used to live there…nor, quite frankly, would any of them care for your loved one the way you are doing now.
I remember in 2011 when DH was in a nursing home for six weeks of Rehab, with all the constant pleading for me to take him home (which was always the plan--but he kept forgetting) …when I finally brought him out and we drove through our neighborhood, he didn't recognize it. And when we pulled in our drive, he did not recognize the house that he had been begging for six weeks to return to.
There is a good reason why they are there in facilities. If they did not need to be there, they would not be there in the first place. Remember, you are taking good care of them…just in a different way.