My husband continues making obscene charges regarding my fidelity. Never in our 25 years of marriage have I given him any cause for doubting my fealty. He's always had a jealous disposition and, I learned early in our marriage, to avoid close friendships with male co-workers and former male classmates.
Today, while visiting him at the NH, he told me that no one thought he should be in care except me. That the doctor and I had conspired to place him there and that I was probably (obscenity) the doctor.
He's been in 24-hour care for three months and I've been with him each day but today I walked out of the room for the first time and did not go back today. Will not go again tomorrow because I'm still hurt and angry and tired of listening to such charges and language. I'll avoid him each time it continues. And, yes, I know it's the disease but this behavior is beyond the pale for me. How much are we expected to take?
His first wife was unfaithful, so I understand he could easily have the two of us confused. It's still maddening and hurtful.
Hope this isn't an inappropriate posting but surely other spouses have experienced this type of behavior and I'd like to know how others respond.
no it is not inappropriate and others have been through it to. they will come along to share their nightmare and how they dealt with it.
My husband has not (although in the 80s he thought I was but that was to validate his own infidelity). Like you I learned early on not to have friendships and/or talk to men unless he was right there. One of my best friends in high school was a guy. It was the hardest thing to break off contact with him. Even years later when I connected up again with him, the fact he was homosexual, still not change my husband from not wanting me to talk to him. As soon as I can place him I have old friendships - male and female - I want to reconnect with.
I do worry about how much we are putting on a person who isn't really considered legally competent. It's very difficult to let go of the previous level of behaviour they had when they had a fully working mind. When they are still articulate and outwardly like themselves they are not that inwardly. They have been losing random things for years before anyone noticed.
Your husband may have feelings and thoughts and they may stem from his previous experiences but our spouses are in a home because they can no longer cope mentally or legally and I doubt their emotional decision making is any better. It's very hard I know.
Been there, done that... My DH accused me of being unfaithful (never was) and there was no lst wife. When I said, 'but I'm right here with you,' he simmered, 'oh, no you're not!' He also accused other people of doing other things, someone stole some real estate (never happened, only real estate we had was our house). Wolf is right, you cannot expect the same responses from someone w/AD as they had before AD. Why? -- Is it from the lst wife? Who knows, doesn't matter. His brain cells are all messed up. I know this sounds odd, but I did not take it personally--maybe because I realized he was no longer the young man I married. Don't remember my response, maybe something like, 'whatever,' didn't argue, just let it slide and he calmed down. Whenever possible, the most important response is to try to calm things down. I knew if I argued, defended myself, it would only make him argue more and I didn't want that. Stop trying to make sense out of it, once you understand that you are dealing with a brain disease, you will not feel so hurt, just incredibly sad.
Charlotte, I've noticed your posts before. Even before the disease, it seems you and I allowed our husbands to take too much control over our personal lives. Any spouse should be allowed to have friends, male or female, outside the marriage without fear of upsetting the other spouse.
I really think Alz has exaggerated his fears and insecurities.
I never doubted that he loved me in his own way but the threat he felt by my attentions to another person was always a bit of a thorn in our marriage.
I also had a close homosexual friend but it made no difference in the jealousy my spouse felt.
I love my husband and never want him to think that I have or will abandon him which I will not. But, still, I am so tired, hurt and stressed by hearing these accusations (in different forms) time and again.
I decided to take a couple of days away from him, rest, think and come to some terms about how I can deal.
Is walking away for awhile the best way?
And, Wolf is so right....he was losing random thoughts and things for years before I noticed.
Maybe in a few months, he will pass into another obsession. At least, it might be one I'll be better able to bear.
The disease will progress in it's own way but you are the one who needs to find a path because you are the one faced with that.
When a partnership loses the decision maker it doesn't really matter how those roles came about. It means we have to learn new skills and face new territory. Women tend to have to face finances and leaky taps while men tend to have to face laundry and cooking and cleaning. Those are the stereotypes but experience is all over the map.
Most relationships are symbiotic in some way and I think analyzing relationships is like analyzing different grains of sand. They're different but it doesn't matter. I did only what was absolutely necessary the first year. Everything else was optional. I've made jokes about riding the cats rounding up dust bunnies the size of rabbits and that was partly true.
Here are the facts. You have been tortured by a disease. Your husband is in a home for the same reason. One of you has a chance of recovering and you're faced with that now with a mountain of issues we all have (guilt, anxiety, depression, grief) and the last thing we have any of is enthusiasm which is the one thing we could use.
Go away for a few days whenever it helps you or even if you just want to. That's exactly what we now have to learn. To not only drive the car ourselves but know if we get a flat we have to deal with it.
This is hard. We should have a little empathy for ourselves. Maybe we could trade a bottle of guilt for it.
Wolf, you make such good sense. I'll go back and read your comments again and again. Maybe they'll "stick" one of these days.
Right now, I'm in the guilt, anxiety, depression, grief; have I or have I not done the right things phase.
He's only been three months in NH. Plus, about five years at home not facing the reality of what was happening.
A friend said one thing that has meant a lot to me...."You probably kept him out of a NH for two or three years." So, maybe I gave him that much longer at his home which he now accuses me of having stolen from him.
I have decided to stay away for a day or two. Just be at home, try to relax, clear my mind, have a couple cups of coffee and read.
Well said, Wolf. I placed my husband May of 2013 and am still wandering around the house - almost a year and a half later. I sometimes get excited about taking on a project; bought a guitar, took lessons for a month and it's now gathering dust, tore down my wallpaper in a bathroom and am left with the backing and damaged walls, talk about going back to college but don't get much further than talk. All of these exciting adventures start after I get away for a while to forget and regroup. I come home with high hopes and then go to visit my husband and tumble right back into this feeling of listlessness and lethargy. I am being very indulgent of my moods, but thought I'd snap out of it before now. Oh well. It will come some day and until then, I only need to keep my husband as content as I possibly can, keep my bills paid, and keep chocolate and wine on hand. I grew up Catholic and all of the guilt attached to it, so I reject guilt as much as possible. However, the grief is paralyzing sometimes.
PAJ, great idea to stay home and take care of yourself for a couple of days. It will not hurt him and will do you a lot of good. As another thread points out, caregiving can be deadly to a great number of spouses. We should not let this disease take both of us.
No your post is not inappropriate...You are discussing a problem you are facing right now. You mentioned that your husband has always had a jealous nature and that you did everything in your power to avoid situations that would irritate him..It seems that the disease has made a facet of his personality even worse. I too would walk out when such a rant begins. You are not required to stand there and take abuse just because someone is ill. You have a right to peace and calm..Lord knows,
paj, I agree with all of the above responses. I too had to stay away for a day when my husband started accusing me of having affairs. As if! One day I got so tired of it I said to him, "I should be so lucky! Instead of having affairs, I'm sitting here listening to you accuse me when I'm doing everything I can to take care of you". Some of that got through to him, but he was back at it the next day. Eventually he just dropped it. He still sees me as the gorgeous 30 year old he married, not the haggard and obese 56 year old I am in reality. Don't know whether that is kind of sweet, or if it's further proof of increasing dementia. I snapped at him one time and told him I am indeed having a deep and meaningful love affair - with chocolate!
paj, respite is very important for the caregiver. You need time off for yourself, him being in a NH should make that mechanically easier if not emotionally easier. Sounds like you need a one-time or occasional respite but should also consider your weekly schedule and how much time a week you want to be with him.
It's early in the morning and I woke up heartsick. It's going to be a long day and will be hard to stay away from NH. It's become part of my daily existence. Do we ever learn to let go?
Maybe B and I can still have some of the good days when I helped with his personal grooming (manicures, etc.), talked baseball, went for wheelies around the facility and lunched with patients who were still able to communicate.
As Joni says regarding affairs, "As if"....I'm 73 years old.
paj this was a completely appropriate topic and as you can see from the responses, lots of great suggestions and support. I too went through this. For a long time, I tried to rationalize with him and all that did was get us both more upset. It took me so long to figure out he can't reason anymore. So I tried changing the topic and if that did not work I left. I said something like, "I am not having an affair. I love you very much. I am going to leave now and come back later." Later might be the next day or 5 days. I truly get the feelings of anger, rejection, etc. Struggled with those for years. My husband now is focused on coming home. He has been in a facility for over 2.5 years and until recently never commented about coming home. I am not sure which is worse - being accused of having an affair or hearing, "Why can't I come home and sleep in my own bed?" I am so grateful for every single person on this site! Would not be managing without you.
Katherine, I'm also experiencing the "I want to come home." "I'm coming home." "I'll get a taxi, come home, stay there and kick you out of the house." He thinks someone from the nursing home brought him to the house one evening and he found the house full of men and women. "Looked like a ..... house." On and on.
I've tried the distraction but it's getting harder and works less often. He doesn't understand where he is; he only knows he's not at home.
I stayed at home today but to no avail. All I've done is think about him and wonder how he's managing today. I remain depressed and anxious. Too demoralized to do anything besides sit in the recliner and "look at" bad TV. I'm becoming as obsessed as he is.
I think if part of the real Bill was still not present, it might not be so hard. At first, we could enjoy a few hours together. Each day that seems more of an impossibility.
Dread my trip tomorrow and, yes, I will go back. As bad as that is, it's better than stewing at home alone. What will I find?
I too am grateful for this site. It's hard for others who are not dealing with the horrors of Alz to really understand; although, they try.
I'm looking for the day when I can offer some understanding and hope to others as they've offered to me.
Well, the respite at home didn't go well. The day was spent worrying about Bill. Is he OK? Did he eat? Was he anxious because I wasn't there? Were his needs met? Did he miss my presence? etc., etc.
At this time, I won't or can't accept the fact that he'll be OK even tho I'm not around each day.
And, when I do stay away for a day, it never fails that I get a call from him or the NH. Just got the call from the night nurse. He was wandering the hall without his oxygen (he's oxygen dependent) wanting to call his wife or sister (sometimes I'm his sister). I told the nurse I was sure he wanted me to bring him home.
After a couple of calls back and forth between me and the nurse, they got him fed, into bed and settled for the night (I hope).
Will go back to my daily visits. It's better to go than stay home and fret. I'll try to deal with his charges of infidelity in a different way. Maybe leaving the room for a few mins. will detract him.
He seems to be quickly degrading. I hope it's not because of the confinement in the nursing home.
paj, you do sound like me. If I stay home, all I do is obsess about him. Then when I'm there with him, I'm usually miserable. I too woder if my DH's quick decline is due to the confinement. It seems we just can't win with this. I promise to hang in there if you will!
Joni1957 and paj, Obsession is like a record with a scratch in it, playing the same thought over and over. You can do things to mitigate the worry and obsession and in order to survive this stage intact, it is important to help yourself. Disclaimer: I am not a mental health worker. But what I do know from experience (and trust me, this worry/obsession is something many of us have dealt with) is that you need to have a plan for your time away.
If you go back home and have no definite plans, your thoughts will turn to what you know and worry about: your husband and the current situation. Instead of going back home, go for a nature walk (this time of year is gorgeous for being outside), have lunch with a friend, take a drive to a place that is soothing and interesting, go to a county fair for an afternoon, wander around the farmer's market, sit in the park and watch the children play. If you need to stay away for a few days, a short road trip works wonders. It not only gets you out of your environment and the obsessive thoughts associated with it, but it requires planning and thought, attention to driving and destination. It may be so successful (it way for me) that I felt normal in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time.
Your mind will have a thousand arguments for why you shouldn't leave your husband and get out in the world. You will have to override those thoughts. Remind yourself that you are NOT abandoning him, you do love him, etc., and that he is in a place where he is being cared for and by caring for yourself you can care for him in a better way and be more resilient with the unkind behavior he is exhibiting.
And for paj, why is the NH nurse calling you to complain at night? She has a job to do, she has the staff and tools to do, so don't let her guilt you into assuming responsibility for her work. Instead of calling you, why wasn't the nurse getting your husband back to his O2, which would help his confusion, and dealing with the situation. This sounds like a reportable event.
Start by making a list of things you want to do, things you like to do, and things that might distract your mind. Go from there. And, remember, many, many of us have been where you are, and you will find this same advice in a hundred different threads on this website. Hang in there.
When my wife was in her first ALF it sounded like your situation. I wasn't there every day but I had to get involved in so much of her care and made a number of late night trips. This partly reflected that I learned over time to not trust the ALF staff (shortly after she moved in I had to go over because her AC wasn't working and they thought she couldn't use the thermostat, I saw it wasn't working and wouldn't leave until the repair came and looked at it.)
When she had to move to another ALF rules were very different for the 3 week evaluation period. No phone calls for 5 days, no visiting for 3 weeks. It was very strange to have the break in contact. I also learned how my behavior in the past interfered with L bonding with staff and encouraged her to be so dependent on me.
When you have been doing this for a long time, I think your reaction to taking a day off is normal. I think you need to not just stay at home but have a plan. In my case I have a son and work so I don't have the chance to just stay and home and wonder about my wife.
I suggest trying the respite again but changing your approach and giving yourself more time. Changing gears isn't easy.
I completely understand why you are hoping your husband’s current obsession will pass, but what if it doesn’t? Or what if he replaces it with some other crazy obsession? You can’t organize your life according to what a demented, brain-damaged man decides to believe. And trying to make sense out of why he is making these accusations will drive you crazy. Your husband’s problem is that his brain is deteriorating. That’s why he’s saying these things.
The people who have commented above have given really good advice. Let your husband’s comments slide or just make a simple denial, but refuse to argue about it. Don’t let him see that you are upset - act calm and confident. If he keeps it up even after you have tried to change the subject, then leave the room, but without dramatics. On your days off, get out of the house. Go somewhere. You really need a break and your husband is not able to give you one. So you need to give yourself a break. Survive.
All of your comments are good advice. Now accepting it and re-training my mind and habits will take some work since I tend to be OC about everything!
The NH staff calling me? I understood their policy regarding incidents out of the ordinary....walking the halls without oxygen, etc. the responsible party was to be called.
I have also asked them not to let him call me but was told they cannot deny him use of the phone.
Will re-check all of this.
Right now, have lost interest in doing anything. I'll work on myself.
A number of calls are required by law. If someone falls they have to call. Varous other incidents require calling. I occasionally get calls asking me to do something because my wife is out of control but no one asks me to come over and those types of calls are rare.
When my wife was calling me and didn't have her cell phone it was amazing how often the nurse's phone was brokrn Staff saw my ptrevious call logs, 50+ a day, and they saw that as a problem and worked with me to fi it.
About paulc's comment, A resident of the dementia unit punched my husband in the back while he was sitting in a chair. There was no bruise and my husband was not upset but they were required to call me.
I really wasn't upset with them when they called the other evening. I'd rather know what's going on with B anytime, no matter how minor, rather than not know.
Today, I was his sister. I went along with the world he was in today and believe it or not, we had a nice conversation. I don't care who he thinks I am as long as I can see a little peace and happiness on his face.