Today (well, I guess now it was yesterday!) was bittersweet for me. We finally convinced Dan that "we" had to see the lawyer to get his living will, dpa, etc. taken care of. He actually went without any unpleasantness! I was quite anxious all morning, but it went much better than I had expected. I'm so glad that it's finally taken care of - he wouldn't go with me when I had my things put in order, didn't seem to want to hear "lawyer".
It was bittersweet because I could tell he wasn't understanding what was being explained, but he signed all the papers anyway. AND, the house is being put into my name only - that bothered me a lot! He didn't understand what he was signing & I felt so badly about it. I know it had to be done, but for me it's kind of another "nail in the coffin", so to speak. A little guilt because I felt like I was pulling the wool over his eyes (well, actually I guess I was).
I'm still feeling a little weepy about everything, but tomorrow (or today - it's after midnight) is another day. I'm having a difficult time settling down - it's going to be a long night!
I remember having the same feelings when we did our Wills, POA docs, Trust, Health Directives, etc. He didn't quite know what he was signing, but did it anyway. I felt like you do - that I was pulling the wool over his eyes - but I realized that by that point he needed me to protect him and that was the best way I could do it. He trusted that I would take care of him and our assets and that's all that I was (an am) doing. I know what you mean about "another nail in the coffin". Yeah, it certainly feels like it.
I hope you get some sleep. It's the most difficult thing for me now. I just cannot sleep until I'm exhausted. Some nights get pretty late. Take care of yourself.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Fortunately, DH had given me a durable power of attorney in 2003, when he was having early symptoms but was still pretty much able to understand what he was doing. It was invaluable later, when there was no question in anybody's mind that he could not handle his own affairs, and I needed to get his name off of things--most importantly the house--and sell two cars that still had his name on them.Also I had to take care of the taxes every year, and signed for him with my DPOA. When he died earlier this month, there were no estate matters to deal with--his will left everything to me, but he didn't own anything anyway, so it was moot. It's very hard to take a loved one's assets out of their name--I felt like I was being "grabby" , even though I wasn't. We were always fair and equal financial partners: "Throw it into the pot and share and share alike." But I knew I had to step up to the plate, and I did. (His son had pre-deceased him in 1990, so he had no potential heirs to create complexity.)
Interesting thread...how many of us have had out LO's sign the necessary paperwork when perhaps they were not quite understanding? Our eldercare attorney adamantly advised me that my spouse was not capable of understanding what he was signing and told me there was no way he could allow me to have him sign the financial DPOA required by the banks and brokerage houses. I dealt directly with the financial institutions and thankfully I had no problems with him signing the appropriate forms. It would have been a financial disaster if I could not have gotten the financial institutions DPOAs signed. Since all that money is going to his care and I can direct how it's spent, I don't feel at all guilty. I did feel sad though to know he could no longer control the funds he worked so hard to save.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Yes, I know what you mean, LFL. Even though money and assets are now in our names instead of our loved ones, it is our responsibility now to use it for their care and in ways that they would have wanted. I didn't feel guilty either, exactly, but hated the feeling that I was taking what he and earlier family members (he had received an inheritance years ago) had worked so hard for. One thing that I felt good about was that back in the day when he was still functional and self-directing, he said he wanted to leave a legacy for the church. I told him to do it then, when he still had his health, and could control how much he gave and what he wanted them to use it for. So he made a sizable donation to help with the parochial school's new roof. I'm glad he did it when he did, because after he started to need care himself, I would have, frankly, been reluctant to give money to the church when I knew it was needed for his care.
LFL, Lawyers are licensed by their states. They are subject to ethical rules and can be disciplined or even disbarred if they assist a client they they know is incompetent to sign a legal form. Same goes if they notarize or witness the signature of an incompetent client. Bankers are not subject to such strict rules and usually are not as familiar with a person's soundness of mind as a lawyer would be. So they are more willing to do this. Anyhow, you do what you have to do.
We had our POAs and Wills done many years ago but when we went to a lawyer after my husband's diagnosis, she explained that a new state law required that to place a person in NH, the DPOA must explicitly authorize that. Our old DPOAs did not contain that language, so we needed new ones. Fortunately, my husband was still well enough to understand what he was signing.
IMO, what you absolutely need an elder law attorney for is advice about how to deal with your state's Medicaid rules. A lot of lay people claim to know what Medcaid requires, but they really don't.
Regarding getting things in order, I have a question. Might sound odd, but - we really don't have anything in the way of assets (except the above-mentioned house being put into my name) & we are woefully underinsured. Do you think it would be a good or wise idea to find out the cash value of life insurance policies, & if enough, cash them in, pre-pay our cremation expenses & put the rest aside? There won't be much, believe me, & I'm trying to figure the best way to deal with future issues, with basically nothing to work with!
Mim, In Mich, because I live in our home it was exempt but had to get property in my name only. Life insurance is a problem if he is the owner of the policy, you can get them in your name. If you cash them in I believe you can prepay funerals, etc. but putting money aside can be a problem. I had everything done by a lawyer who had lots of experience with Medicaid qualification. She was the third one I got advice from, I didn't like what the other two were advising and was glad I got the third opinion as it saved me losing control over everything and leaving me without much in the end. You usually can get a free hour of consultation which is long enough to find out if they suit you. Good luck. D.
Mim, is the insurance on you, him or both? Who is the owner(s) of the policies? If you can, transfer ownership of the policies to you. If he is the owner of his, it will be an asset for medicaid. Also, if you cash in the policies, there will be taxes to pay on the cash out. I transferred ownership of my husband's policy to me (while he still could sign things) and I managed to keep it current until he died when I became the owner/beneficiary. Be careful about cashing in policies. Get some good advice.
Insurance issues can be tricky. Term life insurance, which has no cash value until the death of the insured, is not considered an asset for Medicaid purposes. I have recently looked into a life settlement, which is essentially selling an existing policy to a third party, and using the proceeds to fund long term care. It can be used for a nursing home, assisted living or home care. There is a certain amount which is set aside from the settlement as a death benefit. I have thought about using it as a means of providing additional care for my husband.