This is so terribly long, and I'm sorry. I just have to write it and get my feelings out.
My Son, DIL, and Granddaughter arrived here Friday, around supper time. I was ecstatic just months ago when I learned that they were finally going to be stationed on the West Coast. Now instead of 3000 miles away they will be just 3 hours away. I've seen my only grandchild for visits when she was born, and when she had her first birthday when I flew back east. This Tuesday is her 2nd birthday. I felt so thrilled that she'd be here----at my house for her second birthday. For months the talk was that son, dil, gd and their dog were going to stay with me the first couple weeks while they seek housing near their base. And, the possibility was floated that dil and gd may stay with me a month or more if suitable housing wasn't found before son has to report (he has until the 11th to report for duty).
I knew dil's mom was going to be coming with them as she was driving one of their cars out here, and the dog was riding with her. I like her real well and really enjoy her company. She adores my son and they have a very unique relationship. So I was real fine with that. Then three days before they came I learned that dil's sister, who has friends about 40 miles from us was coming to visit her friends at the same time. She and her daughter wanted to be be here for the baby's birthday party too, but would stay at her friends house. I was fine with that, totally.
I had begun facing the realities of things months ago..........that although I'm ecstatic to have them living so much closer, I am nevertheless a caregiver. And I needed to understand that Iwould not be the Grandma who could babysit, go places with, or be a very big part of my granddaughters life........... like her other grandma. I'm jealous! Envious! SAD!!! and ANGRY!!!
The other grandma has freedom to come and go, and such a fun person for my son to be related to. I mean, they have all done trips, etc., and have so much fun. I love the other Grandma and I wouldn't want my son to have anything less than a really cool, wonderful MIL. She is always enjoyable to visit with. We get along wonderfully.
Here is where I have been the past few days, choking on this lump in my throat. They arrive on Friday late afternoon. Not too long after they arrived DIL's sister and niece come by to see them (they just visited for a week plus in Feb or Mar). Late in the evening the kids ask me to come down to the basement suite to talk to them. They tell me the prospective apartments they are going to check out list some immediate availabilities. They were aware that I wanted to have a birthday party for Natalie next weekend, but they felt we should do it this weekend, rather than next - because if they get an apartment right away they'll need to be moving in next Saturday/Sunday. Wow! That sucks! I was dreaming of putting on a birthday party, with my sister, bil, and several of my sons cousins with their spouse and their little kids all coming to meet Natalie for the first time. I just hadn't set a time since I was waiting to plan details WITH son and dil. I was basically just at a loss for words, and well, what else could I say? So, son was wondering if some of my family was planning to come down to see them. I just said it was a bit too short notice to reasonably expect them to make it this weekend. They all live 1-2 hours away. I had not talked to people about coming this weekend as I felt son and his family may be tired from travel, needing to get settled in, and I didn't want to overwhelm them right off the bat. I feel asking them all with only a days notice to run out for presents and come down on Sunday, was not going to happen. My relatives work in the timber industry, and their jobs have them hitting the sack by 7:30 pm, and they starting their days around 3 a.m. Whenever we plan things it's best done on a Saturday. All of my family would have to drive 1-2 hours back home. I knew son understood that much.
In the morning Saturday, The kids wanted to take their daughter to see my father who lives locally at an Alzheimer's Care Facility. I, of course want to see my fathers reaction to seeing my son after 3 years, and meeting his 10th great grandchild for the first time. We planned to go along (I had to take DH) but in separate cars as they wanted to shop for birthday gifts, and DH and I would head back home. Meanwhile, dil's Mom had an appt for hair cut at the mall, so they'd meet up with her, hand off the baby, and Grandma would bring her back to our house for them. OK, so I get some shared granny time, we take Natalie for a walk and share a few laughs. Son and dil call and tell us that her sis and niece met them at the mall, and they wer gonna grab something to eat while they were out. OK, scratch dinner plans and go back to something simple since its just my family, Natalie, and the other Grandma. They come home later that evening with the presents, etc. and it seemed obvious from something I'd seen earlier in the day that they just were not real comfortable here. I KNOW it is because of my husband. I also noticed they slept in the hideabed in the family room that is just outside the door to the suite. It could be that 'DH might have wandered down there during the night or early morning of the previous day, and they feared he'd let the door open and the baby or their dog might get out. I just bought that bed for the bedroom the day before they came, and I know the hideabed is not comfortable, so why else would they decide to sleep in that very uncomfortable bed? I also had noticed that DH was interacting with their dog and mine and they were getting to know each other and I think DH said or did something to their dog that made them feel having the dog around him was not a good thing. Then, he made comments about the channel on the tv being changed to cartoons, just moments after he said "put something on that the baby might like." Then, the baby was walking about and I vaguely heard DH say something (have no idea what), just as the other grandma picked up the baby and said "Lets go down stairs to see what Mommy and Daddy are doing?" And they stayed down stairs quite a while longer.
They made reservations for hotels up in the area where they are apartment hunting, and I was already aware that the baby and the other grandma would go along for this. But then it turns out the sister and niece were going too. And then as they were leaving this pm after the party and supper (Sunday), it was like a thanks for letting us stay with you. We'll be up their all week (I thought 2 nights), and the MIL 's plane flies out Saturday from Seattle so she was saying her goodbyes to me now as she wouldn't be coming back here with them. And she apologized that unfortunately it looks like she and I won't get to have that Lunch or Tea outting she had previously suggested, but we'll have to be sure to do it when she either comes at Christmas, or next summer.
I knew it would be just as difficult for them to be here as it would be for DH. And now I feel such anger, hate, and truly deep loss and sadness........... all because of DH's AD problems. I think my family members are afraid of upsetting DH, and also concerned of him losing patience with their dog or the baby. I know all that. I know chaos is difficult for a person with AD. I knew, I knew that this was going to show me just how much I am NOT going to ever be a Grandma to my one and only, my firstborn grandchild. I feel such resentment over my circumstances that I am going to just let loose and have a cry tonight.
I am so sorry. It's got to hurt something terrible. I don't have the same problems you do but my son lives 2,000 miles away near his in-laws. Everytime we go to visit him and his family, they are there. Now, they are lovely people and we get along with them really well. BUT, I sure would like some alone time with our son and his family. They go on vacations together etc. and just a little time would be fine.
Again, New Realm, I'm very sorry and wish I could say something to make it better. I can't but hopefully knowing that I care will help.
How extraordinary of you to be able to share all of this. It is a painful story to read and so much more so to have experienced. Words fail, but not the caring.
New Realm, oh how we understand. It hurts, it hurts...
We moved cross country so we could see our grandson more frequently. And we do. They come here about once or twice a month. And one of the reasons I scrapbook is that looking at the photos and working with them makes the entire thing so much more vivid.
No, you won't get to do the things you long to do. I truly miss the fact that I never got to do the mother/daughter shopping trips other women have when my daughter was in her 20s and early 30s and didn't have a baby yet. I missed planning her wedding with her. I was across country. I missed all of her pregnancy. I was across country. I missed most of my grandson's first year and even more of his second year. And now, my husband is sick and locked in this long, long journey, and I'm locked in Pennsylvania and can't even get to NYC for the big Bar-B-Ques my daughter and her husband run about once a month in good weather.
So yup, we all understand. Been there. Done that. Fully understand the pain of things not quite working out.
Maybe your family were trying to be considerate, not wanting to upset your husband. Fine. Maybe they were concerned about the baby and/or the dog. Fine. But they knew your husband has AD all along, they must have some idea what that means if your father's AD is advanced enough he is living in a home. And still they made promises to YOU, lots of promises that you were counting on, and they know full good and well that they've broken their promises, did it by conspiring with each other to produce lies to tell you, over and over and over again, abandoned you, floated happily off to do what they want without, apparently, giving a second thought to how that makes YOU feel.
The very least they could have done was tell you the truth, discuss their concerns with you, and then all of you could have explored other ways to deal with those concerns without leaving you alone and miserable and feeling betrayed. Anger, my God, why wouldn't you be angry? Their behavior was heartless, callous.
It happens, we all know it does. AD is too messy, takes too much time and energy, it can be such a downer, doncha know. So family and friends stop coming around quite so often, eventually just drift away so they don't have to deal with your pain.
I think that after you've had time to absorb the wounds they inflicted, and your son has had a little time to get settled, you should have a heart-to-heart talk with him about how much he hurt you. Not accusing, not confrontational ... just tell him, quietly and with dignity, that he really let you down. He is your son, his daughter is your granddaughter, he promised to spend time with you, and you had counted on it. You need his emotional support, to give you strength to deal with your husband's AD. You need the rest of your family to show you love, since your husband is less and less able to. See if he will tell you why they behaved the way they did. See if you can get him to discuss ways that you can spend time with them, without "whatever" happening again.
At the very least, I think he needs to face what he's done.
I am sitting here (at work) with tears in my eyes. You must be so hurt, to count on your loved ones plans to share the events with you and then have them bail out without telling you the truth, just saying goodbye, "we'll see you next time". Their intentions were probably good in that they didn't want to be in the way, but at least one of them could have met with you discretely to key you into their concerns or fears or whatever. I agree with Sunshyne, at some point speaking with your son in a non-confrontational way about your needs and how hurt you were is important. We, as mothers of sons well know, have to walk a fine line because our son's loyalty is to their wives and families (as it should be) and if we cross that line we stand a chance of losing opportunities to be involved in their lives. Mothers of daughters, of course, generally don't have that dilemma. My DH is in early stages and my son (our only child) lives about 5 miles from our house, he married a great gal who had 2 children and because of her age will never have their own. Her parents (who we really like) live a few blocks from them and they also travel together and spend lots of time together. The only time we are invited to their home is at Thanksgiving and even though we invite them to come to our house it only happens about twice a year. We try to go to the kids games and participate in their lives as much as possible but I can see that as the AD progresses these few interactions will become less and less and it breaks my heart. I have tried to have conversation with son but I don't want him to be torn and put under additional stress (he is a Sheriff's deputy and under enough stress).
If it were me and I was really close to the mil and your dil and felt I could share my feelings with them, I think I would share with them at some point in the future your sorrow for the events and explain how hard it is for you to cope with your caregiving situation and that you don't want to lose your friendship with them.
I'm sorry you had to go through thisHold good positive thoughts. Warm hugs!
Sunshyne's comments are almost identical to my own thoughts. New Realm, you and MissB are too nice (not that Sunshyne and I aren't!)grin> I can't believe that they treated you like that!
I'll put my sons (and daughters) through stress to help me and help their father! I went through enough stress raising them through their teenage years and this is payback time. However, my sons know me, know how I feel, and the one who lives closest (8 hours away) tries to help and come as often as he can. The other one lives too far away. The girls are here for me all of the time.
Maybe later you can find someone to stay with your husband for a weekend and go visit them once they are settled. With some of my grandchildren I have been fortunate to be around them at different stages of their lives; others I have only seen once or twice in person. Life gives us great times of joy and horrible times of stress and sadness. At least on this roller coaster of life, at some times, we get the joy. This period of our lives are the lowest points on that ride. However, remember, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Try to wrap it up and put it in a drawer and forget about it and find SOMETHING, ANYTHING today that can bring you some smiles.
All I can say is...OH My...what a downer and so sorry for your hurt. This reminded me of the time when my Daughter, son-in-law and my DH and I were invited to an Easter dinner at my Grand-DIL's parents and of course my 2 GG children would be there. I was so excited because I only get to see these two darling GGC a couple of times a year. I had made some comment about my DH and hoped he would be able to come too. Within a couple of weeks my daughter called and said she had declined my invitation on my behalf...because it would basically be my Granddaughter's family and it was just getting to be too many people. I just said that was OK and let it go. I really did understand, but it doesn't keep these things from hurting. This is just a few of the things that will keep going on for the rest of this horrible journey.,
I have never been one to hold it in. if something bothers me, i say it. thats my downfall, honest to a fault i guess and what i say can be quite untactful at times. but if it were me, I'd be on the phone with son asap and doing just as Sunshyne says. explain the letdown about the visit and grandma time with the baby and visiting one-on-one with baby/son, and if dil doesnt want to be there let her go with her mom for some 'me'; time. you as a gma have rights to see your grandchild and i think its also abhorible that your son did you that way. and i do believe coniving to fit their own needs. they see you struggling everyday and a little of compassion would have gone a long way. why couldnt the son/dil sit with DH and give you a few hrs of funtime with the baby? you need to voice your anger and resentment to the persons who made it happen. its not DH fault he is sick, its the non-compassionate attitude of your immediate family that hurts. call your son and explain exactly as you said here to him and let him know how disappointed and sad you are how things didnt happen as you counted on. lay it in their laps to make it happen again soon and give them an opportunity to help you have that time with the baby alone. i get so angry reading how people do this on a neverending basis. you are just one of us who has this happen, we all have experienced the neglectful actions of family. speak up!! and dont you dare feel guilty for letting the vent hit those who have caused it. its time they work WITH you in caring for dH and allow you that precious time to be a handson grandma. we all know plans can go up in smoke, but we shouldnt feel sorry for ourselves, if you dont say whats on your mind, then they cant look for a way to rectify your pain. sorry, makes me just want to slap them silly..:) good luck and get back with us on this! divvi
I'm so angry for you, I'm having trouble thinking what to say! What about sending your son all the messages in this thread? I'm already jealous because one of my sons lives near his mil and the other may be moving near his parents=in=law. And I don't even have grandchildren, nor does my husband have major problems yet. I'm very sorry this happened.
New Realm, I know just how hurt you must be. My son, dl, and only granddaughter live 3,000 miles away. I have been lucky to see them once a year or less. DL has a grown niece in the area that usually manages to visit when I'm there. I'm a bit resentful and feel like I want that time with my grand daughter all to myself. I've never said anything because I have a great realationship with my DL and want to keep it that way. Hopefully, when the other side of the family return back to their homes, you'll be able to spend a lot of time with the little one since they'll be living much closer to you.
Thank you all for your thoughts, and your understanding.
I realized one clarification I should make. My DH is my eldest sons stepfather, and there is no love lost between them all of my sons childhood (since he was 7). Their relationship was not good then. Now that DH has aged, seen what a good, responsible person son has become, and with the help of AD (yeah, right), DH thinks my son is just the greatest. My son, understandably does not have the same feelings for his SF. I just felt there would be a bit more compassion for me, and they’d make the visit more about “Grandma time” than they would about “Alzheimer’s time.”
I've been letting some silent tears flow this morning......and seriously thinking of how and when to talk about this with them. I do fear creating a rift so have to be very careful. I just cannot imagine the pain of having an out and out rift with any of them.
EDIT:
My son just called during this posting to check in, let me know they are at the Navy lodge, the ladies are out picking up food, and then they'll be off to look at apartments. He could tell something was wrong and asked if everything was OK. Said I sounded down. I just say I'm fine. Don't see a point in saying anything at this moment, especially when I still feel raw and haven't thought through how best to approach such a subject. He asked again, "are you sure you're OK?" I don't think he believes me though.
We all feel for you and words cannot express our saddness. We all have faced and/or are facing similar situations and feelings of hurt. Having said that I, myself, would be very careful about what I say and to whom. They are going to share and you don't want a rift. I think when they are your age, they will be mature enough to regret some of the neglect they inflected. Now, your son and dil have more maturing to do. Not much help for you now. I, once in a while, have visions of ways I have acted or treated my parents when I was younger and regret my actions at the time, thinking why did I not visit them more or help them more. Good Luck and hopefully brighter days lie ahead for you.
Ok, New Realm, now it 'get it'. your DS 'unconscieniously' is payback time to SF, for his childhood and the bad times there. AND dont believe for one minute you arent included in his 'unconscious anger' as you probably did like most of us who had remarried tried to stay out of it between the two of them and let them sort thru it?? so now its payback for you as well for not stepping in and taking the sons side- this is common with remarried people who have kids before. i am seeing this same scenario unfold with my older sister whos son just remarried and now has a new grandbaby on the way. she 'tippytoes' around them and esp the DIL so as not to ruffle any feathers for FEAR she will be exclued from the role as gma and the new baby!!! BAHHUMBUG. plus she spends countless money on the new DIL to stay n good standing. what IS it about sons marrying and then dumping on their moms and not telling the new wife that 'my mom' is as important as yours??? they seem scared to confront a new wife and put it out there that his side of the family has as much right to a baby as hers? i have an only son and hes been remarried now, both my DIL know the score. i can within reason call and say i wouldl like my grandaughters to spend the nite or week and the mom is happy i would want to spend time with them. isnt this normal? even when they lived 7hrs away i would go get them with DH in tow an or/fly them here to visit me. the bonding time is so important from the birth. sorry but i guess i am very different and would not care a bit if what i said caused a ruckus-so be it -if my son wouldnt stand up for his mom to get 'gma time alone' then i would be very dissapointed in him and would say so in a not so nice way. i see my sister going jumping thru hoops to get time with the newleweds,a nd baby isnt here yet! and the visit her parents all the time. i sure hope new realm and others who have this problem step up and say whats on your mind! divvi
New Realm, I don't think your son could "tell" something was wrong, I think he expected something to be wrong. He knows they didn't behave well, and he feels guilty. He may have been trying to offer you an opportunity to talk about how you felt. Or then again, maybe he was hoping to hear that it didn't bother you at all, so he doesn't HAVE to feel guilty.
I agree that it wasn't a good time for you to try to tell him how you feel -- the wounds are too fresh. But I do think it's a very hopeful sign.
DH was a heavy drinker when he retired early (downsizing with corporate incentive to retire) very soon after we married. The daughter from his past marriage was the same age as my son, and her presence was the thorn in my side because our lives had to revolve around hers. And her mothers whims. My son was a thorn in DH side because of his closeness to me. It was just son and me, just the two of us from his birth until I remarried when he was 7. Our two kids were definitely treated differently, and yes, son had much anger, also toward me for not changing the situation. SD didn't like seeing the obvious prejudice in her father, and the bad vibes from me being angry over it, and just sick watching her be spoiled, and having to bite my tongue when she did anything wrong. Even she didn't want to spend much time with her Dad the more she saw. She thought I hated her at one point. (I never treated her badly, I just walked on eggshells around her). She realized as a young teen how difficult it was for me when she was around. Not because I didn't like her.... rather, it was how her Dad spoiled her, and how our lives (son and I) were affected when she was around. And she hated his drinking. I wrote her letters and we talked in private now and then, and shared feelings in her teen years. We, SD and I, developed our own good relationship that way. The last year my son lived at home, before joining the Navy, DH and son got along fine. DH wasn't drinking, and was proud of son graduating high school and making his own choice to join the military. And his pride and respect for my son has only continued to grow.
Why didn't I leave early the marriage? Many times I almost did. We had two more kids between us now. My fear was, despite alcoholism he'd get liberal child visitation, power and control over them. He had money to pay attorneys and the mortgage....... I didn't. I feared having to leave my two youngest with him. I wrongly, but firmly believed he would have so much influence that I'd get the short end of the stick on custody and visitation with my babies. My son did know how much I love him. And as he got older he had some idea that I was between a rock and a hard place. My saving grace was I allowed my own parents to be HUGE in his life to assure him stability, and always a place he could go where he was loved beyond all comprehension. They lived right near by, and son spent lots and lots of time with them. He was treated as the golden child.
I held the belief that if DH quit drinking he'd be a very different person. DH went in to rehab (forcibly....AND, I had filed for divorce), and came out a very different person. So I withdrew the divorce petition, and we all had a fairly decent relationship finally. We were happy, and much more a family, but it was only for a couple years until Alzheimer's came in to our home.
I know for a fact that my son still has raw anger over his life with DH, and I completely side with my son on that. Always have. Yes he wishes I’d divorced the man long ago because indeed my whole life might have turned out quite different. Chances are high I wouldn’t be dealing with AD right now which his doctor feels was brought on in part by the alcoholism.
I don’t think my son is trying to get back at me. And I know my DIL was, for a while very excited about living closer to family, just 3 hours from “Mimi” (that’s me….her Mom lives in England, but visit’s a couple times a year). But, now DIL realizes her sister is now just a 14 hour drive away instead of several states away. I think both son and DIL wish things were different here, but I also think DIL is frightened and depressed about being here now, if I’m the only family around. Because of the AD care giving, and the fact that DH ‘s situation won’t allow me to “be a Grandma” in the way they had hoped, well……. Having her sister nearer is probably like a life preserver to DIL.
I keep racking my brain, and I think collectively it was DIL’s and her Mom’s observations that DH doesn’t handle things well. That, plus there were a couple times the other Grandma wanted to visit with just me and DH kept following me around. I suppose they sensed my frustrations at times, and I have to conclude that DH wandered down there to the basement when I wasn’t aware (at night? Or was I in the bathroom?). Son is a horrible fibber, and when I remarked that I was surprised his MIL slept on the sofa bed rather than the other comfortable couch he said, “Oh, no. that was (wife) and me. She (mil) slept in there with the baby.” I looked at him strangely and said, “I just bought that bed the day before you arrived and it has a 100 day trial. I can return it for something else if it is uncomfortable.” And son say “oh, uhhhh, no Mom, the bed is fine. We just…. Just…thought we’d try something different…..I dunno…. No. Everythings fine.”
That call from your son says it all...Been there many times. The family son or daughter calls to check in or some such thing when the other spouse is out. It was probably the DIL that wanted to get the show on the road to look for an apt. It never ceases to amaze me why these daughters and sons don't stand up to their spouses and say what is right is right and the plans had been made for you to spend time with your grandchild and should have been carried through. I know where divi is coming from and I use to call a spade a spade in my earlier years...often times to my own regret. I now think it is more effective to remain silent. The children know you are hurt and they did wrong...they will feel the guilt. If you get vocal with them it just gives them the opportunity to make excuses that eases their guilt.
Diana I am so sorry you were hurt this way. I should stop there, but I am a bit like divvi in that I call a spade a spade, after careful thought and consideration or course, and have never regretted it. I have played the martyr in the past, never again. If you are hurt, you should be able to express it. It doesn't have to be a fight, you are all adults. For me, I would have to have "the talk" now, as I think things only get worse if you let them sit and fester. Your son loves you, therefore he should be there for you regardless of his relationship with his step dad. He is sick, it is more than time to forgive and let go. If not for his step dad, than for you, and your relationship with your dear granddaughter. IMHO. Best wishes ~Nikki
True, Judith, but at least i get the anger off my chest and the damage that keeping things inside can do. it eats me alive if i am made and have to keep quiet. we all know that isnt healthy either....this is where rescue remedy comes in handy::::)))) I will xxx my fingers new realm you get some time soon with the new baby..divvi
Well, my DD handles this "kind of stuff" a whole lot differently than those of us in this generation do. (I edited my first version to make it more polite.) Her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage. She helped raise those two. Paid for their college, did their weddings in grand style and NOW, they are upset because of something she either did or didn't say or did or didn't do. She asked politely what was the problem--no response. She talked to her DH--he's in the dark, too.
She gave them several chances and tried to talk to them--Same response. Now, They can call when they want to. They are welcome to visit when they want to. She loves the grandchildren WHEN she sees them but makes no phone calls. She sends cards and gifts to the little ones. She told me she would not put herself in that position again. EVER!
I urge her to forgive. She says there's nothing to forgive. Sometimes it's just what it is. Her DIL woulldn't even look at her at the last family Xmas party and when DD walked over and handed DIL a gift for the baby, DIL took the gift, looked away and didn't even say "thank you."
She's really hurt but won't admit it. She just gives all of her attention to the other 3 kids. And, quite frankly, they soak it up.
Son called last night to tell me about the apartment hunting.
"There is a really great place, larger, but not available until October. Then there's another nice one, smaller but a little more $$$, that we can get almost right away."
I'm sure they'll take the latter, just to get moved in.
Ho Hum! Today is Natalie's actual b-day, and she's north with her parents, her favorite gran, favorite aunt, and cousin............... apartment hunting.
OHHH...Realm...I can hear the hurt in your letter and it makes me so sad. Maybe you will get to talk about this with your DIL's mother sometime in the future and that will help to understand where the kids are coming from. Children are the best blessing in the world but they can lay the hurt on us and not even know they are doing it. I have been there so many times..so I totally relate. This too shall pass.