It came so quickly and I was anxious about 'when' is the call ever going to come. Now, I got it and have 2 days to prepare, I'm going crazy. My brother and sister in law took a recliner in and a night table today. I am trying so hard to feel 'right' about this and knowing what I've gone through to date. It still feels crappy! I am not going to tell him anything until he gets there and will try to be upbeat about his staying there. I can cry when I get home and know I will. I feel like a deserter and this is the hardest thing I will ever do.
Hi abauche, I just brought a previous discussion, "How do I prepare him ..." to the top for you. I did the same thing as you are planning, right down to the upbeat attitude, and it worked. I will be thinking of you and your husband tomorrow and hoping it all goes well.
well, I I couldn't eat, was sick to my stomach, had a headache for 3 days, and today......it was pretty seamless. He went in the door, hugged the caregivers and even some residents, and even when we took him to his room, didn't have a clue what was happening. Then an entertainment person came in and my sister in law sat with him and he was soooo happy. I went and did the paperwork and when I got back, he had to go to the bathroom and he had totally messed himself. So the care aide cleaned him up and then shortly after we said goodbye. I don't think he messed cause of stress.....just what is happening (as it has been at home) and I think he is in the best place. He loved the patio, courtyard and so did we. It is so nice and we left with the smell of dinner cooking and cakes baking. Maybe there will be a delayed reaction, but today I had a more objective look at how really declined he is. Its so sad to see someone 61 years old, looking good and vibrant but nobody's home. So the worst is over and it went so much better than I could have ever imagined. It made me realize how ready he is. Now I have to heal. Thanks everyone!!!
abauche, I'm so glad everything went so smoothly for you and your DH. I know it is so hard when the person looks so good, but the cognitive processes just aren't there any more. I feel the same way with my husband. Some mornings when he gets on the bus for his day program and we wave goodbye to each other, I can't help but get choked up.
Take care of yourself, rest and move on when you're ready.
So glad it went smoothly for you and your DH. Now you can take comfort in knowing that you did what was best for him.... The days ahead will be difficult for you as you make this transition, but you will get through it....you are stronger than you realize!
Ok, so far so good. Feeling guilty that I feel relieved but know that is part of the process. Going in to visit today....will there be a delayed reaction? I called this morning and was told all was well and he had a good night. Feels so good to have people on this site who KNOWS what I feel and going through.
The honeymoon is over and the 'penny finally dropped'. Today he was angry and when I had a talk with him and he realized he is going to stay there....he had a fit! I had to leave and that has left me sad and depressed. I called later and they said he took a while but is calm now. I know its only day 3 but I thought it was going to be ok but perhaps it takes time......I hope.
Many new residents adopt in 2 weeks. Others are like my wife, who moved from one ALF to another on June 26, and will never be happy.
Talk to the staff and see if you should spend time away from him, even possibly avoiding the phone. Your visiting could interfere with him learning to depend on the staff. This is a very difficult transition for you and only works if you find that you can trust the staff. One sign that her first ALF was not working out was my wife becoming more and more dependent on me as a go between with the staff. And I got more involved because I didn't trust the staff, though I see much better now how much my wife is divorced from reality.
But I think paulc is right about the 2-week adjustment period. That's what I was told when my husband was admitted. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
BTW, I saw somewhere that your husband is only 61. I am so sorry that he lost those years of his middle age. They should been good years for both of you. When I read on this site about those with EOAD or FTD, or about dementia patients who just plain go crazy, I realize that things could be much worse for me.
I also placed my husband in a Alzheimer Assisted Living this Tuesday. I couldn't have imagined how heartbreaking this would be. I miss him Soo much...everyday I am sadder .
He went in with no problem thinking he was going to see the Dr. I was also told that it would take a couple of weeks for hi to adjust. First and second day no problem. Third morning nurse called to let me know 911 may have to be called. The anger and aggression was difficult to control. I did not see him. The staff felt I would make him angry to come home.
This I'd certainly not easy, I totally understand Abauche.
Oh Gee Lorrie, we are so on the same path. Day 3 is the same for us....weird. I am not going in tomorrow and see how things are on Monday. It feels so strange to have all this time at home and realize how busy I was catering to his needs. I don't know how they do it there with 10 people, many who appear even further down the Alz path than my husband. I am sad today but if he adjusts, then I know I will be able to move on with my life.
I think we have slowly lost our 'relationship' over the last few years as I became caregiver instead of wife. Sad as that is, it has helped me in this separation and I am not an emotional mess. Im sorry you miss your husband so much and your next days and weeks will improve for you both.
Day 3 at Copper Ridge my wife hit an aide for bringing her hot coffee instead of iced coffee. A change of meds made a dramatic difference. Though 2 months later she choked 2 residents and we are working on more med changes. When she asked why I wasn't taking her shopping yesterday (meaning leaving ALF premises) I held back from saying "we can't afford a lawsuit if you attack someone in a store."
Oh paulc, you've had a hard journey to be sure. When will it ever get better? The doctors told me now that dh is in the equivalent of early-mid stage 7 it should be getting easier but it's not. Although he is better somewhat with his aggression towards others. Recently we had an event where he couldn't stand or transfer by himself and I was frightened that we were closer to the end than I thought. Thankfully that resolved itself and I decided on my own to start weaning him off of some of the meds that I thought were no longer needed. Well guess what?! I have a more coherent husband who can speak clearly (no more mush words), respond intelligently to simple conversation/questions and who is stronger when walking.
In our case I am convinced that the meds needed to control his aggression have actually been contributing to it and his overall decline. Maybe this is a brief interlude, but I'll take it.
LFL, this isn't the first I've heard of LO's doing better after removal of meds (or some meds) in the late stages. They may have been the wrong meds all along or simply not necessary at the end stage. As my wife decline's I worry if it might be the new meds, but since the meds are smoothing out her moods I feel some cognitive loss is worth the safety of the other residents.
The current Copper Ridge psychiatrist is trying to reduce the variety of all of her meds. She said she would like to remove the statins but the GP wanted them. I said to double-check because I am willing for her to have higher cholesterol if we could get her off of the statins (which might be hurting her cognitively). There are concerns about some possible drug interactions that they want to eliminate.
Your husband might have some other problems that some meds might be aggravating. My wife is being taken off of Paxil because the new psychiatrist believes that she has it in addition to FTD. Paxil can cause aggressive flare-ups for people who are bipolar. I am not sure about the bipolar dx, I am using this as an example on how a drug might have an unintended effect, that there could be another problem that reacts poorly to the drug.
Of course there is the problem of layering on drugs to handle behavior, but ends up causing problems.
It helps so much to see that my husband's adjustment is the same as others. By the way, he is young 66 too.
I still feel heartbroken when I awake in bed and he is not next to me. Everywhere I look in the house I am Reminded of how lonely I am without him.
This morning I got a call from staff saying he wanted to talk to me. I have been advised not to go now till next Thurs. when he spoke he was a cross between pleading for me to get him "right now" and angrily saying if I didn't , " I will kill someone" . Fortunately after he hung up the nurse said he was not violent today but more depressed . I have felt sick ever since. I looked at his picture and thought I want to get him home with me now. But, I guess I really want my Pre- Alz dh. I can't take care of him or have care in the home because of his aggressive behavior bordering on Violence. This decision was made on the basis of his safety and the safety of others.
But, I don't want to be without him. This is so painful. Does it get any easier with time?
It has gotten easier with time for me. I placed my wife start of 2012. She couldn't communicate by then already. I'm still very much in the reality of having lost my life and living with Dianne's struggle and ours. The first year was bad and I may have burned out as the professionals told me. This year it's easier to work with my own life in the sense that many of the big negatives that were my reality in the first year have lost noticeable power over me.
But putting positives in my life or feeling good most days is something I'm trying to figure out now. To be honest I'm exhausted and stretched keeping a positive frame of mind in continuing to try to feel my way through; but, it's worth it when I look backwards and know that I've come a long way and the right thing for me to do is to keep going.
Part of the core here is the reality. We have some time once professionals have taken over much of the 24/7 and yet with that time comes what has been held at bay for so long - whatever mix that is for each individual. It would be difficult to understand how you do not have depression. It's sound to believe that some form of grieving often starts. Life alone is in our face. The events of the last years begin to emerge into our minds. We sleep better almost certainly - but everything else is likely hard and we now have to face putting them into a home.
It's a tough slog. It took me some six months to settle down that it actually looked like we had settled down. In the first weeks and months every incident feels like a crisis where as we gain experience we also settle down inside about that.
Try to be kind to yourself. Try to give yourself a break in any ways you can think of. Try not to make sweeping decisions this year. You're going through a lot and it would be good if you could take some of the caregiving experience and nurse yourself a little bit this year.
Abauche and Lorrie - sounds like the same thing I went through when I placed him....I was the biggest bit** going. But they are right they do settle in.....now if I would just get him to stop calling me all time.
Lorrie - your hubby sounds at about the same stage that mine was at when he went in. He will calm down over time and now it's "your are going to your house and I'm going to mine". He doesn't remember home any more.
I know your pain but now almost a year later I'm having a hard time remembering all the tough things I went through and you will to. Just give it time...right now it is so raw for all of you. Booze works well to take the edge off.
Lorrie and abauche, My husband has been in LTC for exactly 3 months. He got angry once about 3 or 4 days after he was admitted because they would not let him out of the unit, but a half-dose of Ativan calmed him right down. Ever since then I have made it a point to take him out of the unit for a walk around the grounds or for a drive, just so he does not feel he is trapped inside. I never just sit in a chair and "visit" him - we always move around even if it's just to his room to spiff him up or out to the lobby to look at magazines. He loves to get in our car but usually does not want to go far and is glad to get back to the facility.
I think the difference might be that my husband (who is 85, not in his 60s) is probably more confused than your spouses are. (I'm not sure he knows who I am.) And even when he got agitated at home, he was never aggressive. He wants to be told where to go and what to do, so the structure that is provided in the dementia unit probably makes him feel secure. A week ago, I reluctantly admitted to myself that he is probably better off there than he would be at home.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that your spouses make a good adjustment.
OK Today was a doozie! I didn't go in yesterday since he threw the hissy fit the 3rd day. I went in today with the preplaned med before I arrived in place. He was calm, happy to see me and I took him out for a nice walk along the lake front, and then out for a burger and fries. He went back nicely and I thought 'what a nice day'. When I went to leave he pushed in front of me and out the door, saying 'not staying here'. Took a while and a few people to get him back in and then I quickly drove away. So I went to family and out for dinner for my brother's birthday. When I got home, there was a message on my phone that he got really aggressive and they had to take him to the hospital. So he is still there but heading back soon. Im now told not to take him out again till this aggression has passed. WILL IT? What a bad ending to a great day! Feeling bummed and drinking booze Amber!
Yes his aggression will pass....same thing as what I went through. Now I can take him out for long drives, meals, run errand etc...just give it a couple of months. He went in October and I didn't take him out until Feb....he had forgotten our home by then and the facility was his home.
My husband has been in his Memory Care Only ALF since last Tuesday.. ONE WEEK. Already had a daily call from ALF for me to talk to him , say I'm coming and get him to take his meds. He Is VERY ANGRY and uses threats if I DONT GET THERE AND GET HIM OUT NOW!
I'm being advised not to visit and I agree. He will definitely get hostile and fight to leave with me. Trying to stay calm but as soon as the phone call comes , I feel shot for the day.
I think that taking him out this early is a problem. We see this as a short break for him or her but unfortunately it can be disruptive to the routine they are trying to establish. My wife's sisters say they don't see how I manage to take my wife out. Since my wife is having new behavioral problems and on new meds I am not taking her out.
And taking my wife home for a visit is out of the question. I think that would be very disruptive for her even though she wants to visit.