Amber, My DH died on July 26th. I cared for him at home, with the help of caregivers, until the end. He occupied our master bedroom and I have been sleeping in our finished basement for the last five years. I am is the process of redecorating my bedroom and I look forward to moving back in to it after it's painted, carpeted, etc. It was very strange giving away all of his clothing and other things. It was an extremely long and difficult journey and I am ready to start over, though I don't really know what that means yet. Although I have felt the need for a long time to get rid of junk that has accumulated for the last 30 years, I finally am ready and energized to actually get going on it. One step at a time.
My condolences on your husband's death. You had a long time of it. So sorry. It's good that you are feeling more energy now. Sending you and your daughter love.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 I am taking baby steps, but I do find that getting rid of most of the medical supplies, his medications, his hospital gowns and shirt protecters, and the twin bed sheets from the hospital bed has actually made me feel better…and I know he would be glad to see all that stuff go out the door. I still have his W/C, walker, and bedside commode in the garage. I'm going to put the commode out with the trash, and try to find an agency that can use the W/C and the walker. I have nice pictures of him throughout the house, and his Bible and rosary are still on his nightstand next to our big bed…and his WWII medals are still displayed by the front door. I still have not got a display case for the American flag, but I'll get that soon. I know he would like the house much better looking "normal" and not so much like a nursing home. Little things still set me off--I was looking at his hats in the closet and just came unglued--tears like Niagara Falls--but I guess those kind of feelings are for the Widows and Widowers thread. How I hate that word "Widow." I was in the cellar doing a load of wash, and for the first time, I felt his presence all around me. I was so sad/happy…don't know how to describe it…I just cried and cried, but was happy he was there, and giving me such a sense that he was happy, healthy, and home at last. Hard to describe…I'm so totally not a psycho…but it happened. It was real.
Elizabeth, I believe that your husband's spirit was with you and how wonderful that he was able to give you that sense of his presence. I imagine that was quite comforting.
I get that feeling too, that my husband is here..I have the patio done now and I know he would like it. For the first time a butterfly fluttered by and I wondered if he sent it as his approval. And the driveway is now underway and looking very good so far. Funny, I look forward to the crew showing up at 7 every morning..makes the world seem normal...people around beside the cats. There are days I feel more energized now too. And the doctor thinks the Zoloft has done it's job and he is tapering me off..maybe totally not sure yet about that. It has helped a ton with the migraine issue.. I still can't bring myself to deal with his dresser and closet...I just close the door. Maybe I just need to "rearrange" things first...then decide next. Thing is I know he would want his clothes to go to someone who needs it..not just hand in the closet and rot...but just the other day when I was doing laundry it struck me that I miss doing his and folding his shirts and pressing his slacks...so guess the time isn't right yet.
Hildann, I am sorry to read of your husband's death, but glad you are doing your best to deal with the grief. I hope each day finds you a little bit stronger and happier than the day before.
I don't check in often now so I didn't see Elizabeth's question about where I am. I am in Topsham, Maine, at The Highlands, in one of the cottages there. I bought it with some of the proceeds from the house we had lived in for forty years, and I am happy here! You think oh, Maine is so cold... But if you are in a snug little house, with an attached, heated garage (the furnace is there) and grounds people who have you shoveled out by nine a.m., and highway people who know what to do in a snowstorm, you are free to look out at the beautiful snowfall! And if you have a van to take you shopping, or to the concert in Portland, letting you out at the door on a stormy night.. You find that all the social amenities you missed as a caregiver are again within reach. Midcoast Maine and I think more and more ALL of coastal Maine is full of educated people and there are more classes and concerts and discussion groups than you can imagine! It is safe, and beautiful.. Our back door opens onto the hiking trail that wends through the woods here.
This is not a continuing care community. You buy a condo/house... But you can also rent an apartment in the Lodge, where you can eat in the dining room. There is also an assisted living building and a dementia building, and I know several people who have moved there while their spouse remained in their cottage.
Where I am, in the cottages, the median age, I am told, is 78. So there are many active people around. But that isn't just a function of age; there are many in their nineties still driving (!!) to the close-by shopping.
And this community is not the only one of its sort in Maine. There are many. Google it!
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Thanks, briegull. I am not making any big decisions for one solid year, so will be in this little house facing the park and the walking trails until next September. During that time I will see how it goes with this area and with helping with the grandchildren. I need to figure out whether I actually want to live here the rest of my life and just travel to visit places I like--or whether there is somewhere else I would rather be. Like others have posted, I like natural beauty and a sense of space…also some privacy but not isolation…and I do have that here. Maine is on my bucket list--I have never been there, and always wanted to go.
Yes, I took a year of cleaning out, but I knew I wanted to sell. House was double the size of where I live now, and it was full of forty years accumulated Stuff.
My husband has been in LTC since late May but I have been reluctant to part with the clothes he will not be wearing again because it would force me to admit that he will never be coming home.
Last night's late news predicted an early frost, so I went outside in my PJs at 11:30 p.m. and covered the tomato and mandevilla plants with old sheets. Today is a pickup day for charity clothing donations and it occurred to me that if I cared enough about plants to protect them from the cold, I ought to do the same for human beings. So this morning I got up early and packed two large trash bags with my husband's jackets. He always loved winter and had all the jackets a guy could want - barn jackets, ski jackets, rain jackets, parkas, etc. I just kept a few for him to wear when I take him out for a ride or a medical appointment. If I have time before the truck comes, I'll pack up most of his winter hats, gloves, and scarves.
Doing this was not as hard as I thought I would be. But I've learned over the years that sometimes thinking about something is worse than actually doing it. In the end, the job took less than 15 minutes.
P.S. If you are a gardener in a cold climate, do not give away old sheets.
I'm bringing this thread to the top so those of us who have recently read Marie Kondo's book about tidying can share our thoughts and so others can chime in about different methods of organization that might work better. Here are some things I was thinking about:
What We Want to Keep. I think Marie Kondo makes a lot of sense when she says that instead of deciding what we want to get rid of, we should decide what we want to keep. My problem with this is that almost none of my clothes "spark joy" in me. (I am not interested in clothes, so for me it's just a practical decision.) But I will still ask whether I want to keep clothes, rather than asking whether I want to discard them. I'm sure I will find the "Does it spark joy?" concept useful for deciding about other kinds of things, like bed linens, decorative objects, etc.
Folding vs. Hanging. Marie's advocacy of folding also makes sense, since so many people seem to be short of hanging space and so many fabrics now are wrinkle-free. I decided to try this with my turtlenecks (I wear cotton mock-turtlenecks a lot in the winter.) What realized after I folded them, though, was that I was not able to hold up the garment to double-check the front for any spots or snags before unfolding it. Also, sometimes I look at a turtleneck on the hanger and then change my mind about which color to wear. If I fold my turtlenecks and change my mind, then I would have to refold them.
Talking to Your Clothes. People already think I'm nuts because I talk to my cat and translate what she says back to me ("Hi Kitty, how are you," "Don't bother me, Mama, I'm sleeping.") So they will really think I have gone round the bend if I start thanking my clothes for their hard work at the end of each day.
I am having better luck by starting with the positives: "What do I love?" "What puts me in a good mood?" "What makes the house seem happy and peaceful to me?" I seem to be able to apply those questions to anything...whether it be clothing, books, mementos, or pictures. As I put the house back together again after the big re-painting project, I'm finding that the sorting and clearing of "stuff" is resulting in a home that looks a little different than it did when Larry was alive, but where I feel much happier and more comfortable. I look around and see clarity, freshness, a sense of possibilities, and a connection with the natural world. It's not taking a thing away from the cosy, comfortable homes Larry and I had together, but this is My Home Now (should be in italics), and it has more of a feeling of airiness and space than it did before. DD thinks it is a little spare, but I've done that on purpose...a blank canvas, so to speak, leaving room for what the future may bring.
Clothes: I don't talk to them or thank them for their service. Mine don't really need to be sorted through--I have enough, not too much--just basic, plain dark things that are comfortable and utilitarian...with a couple versatile, plain dark dressy pieces that will take me anywhere. (I'm from NY--we wear any color, as long as it's black. lol) Actually, I did pick up a couple of mood-lifting, pretty sparkly sweaters through the holidays...the exceptions that prove the rule! Most of my things are folded, but not particularly neatly. The obvious things like coats and jackets are on hangers.
Elizabeth, I am not into clothes either. I picked up a couple sweaters believe it or not at the Salvation Army and they are just fine. I got a couple scarves at Target and like you am into comfortable and utilitarian. We r due for another cold snap here in Ohio but am finding this winter I do not have this dreaded feeling about winter like I did before his passing-- again just taking each day and not focusing on the what ifs. I got back into a regular exercise routine and swimming. I am happy your house is taking shape. I am a little bit slower in that regard but may decide to move some furniture. That always gives it a different look and the price is right. I did , however, get a safe for all the important papers and got everything organized. I now have to figure out how to deal with all my passwords. My son gave me a website to store passwords but it conflicts with my work software so have to do something else.
When I finally decided I needed to write down usernames and PWs, I got a folder that closes with velcro, and whenever I wrote down a new username and PW, just tossed the piece of paper into the folder. So it's a little messy, but everything is in there. When I have to change a PW, I make sure it's written down in the folder. I keep it in a dresser drawer that is my "current business" drawer. (The checkbook, stamps, my address labels, bills to be paid, the address book full of dead people--lol--all in that drawer.) I would be nervous about storing PWs and such on the computer...but my life straddles both sides of the digital divide. Sometimes I'm technological, and sometimes I'm not.
Write all your passwords down neatly and precisely on a piece of paper. Fold it neatly and stick it into your bible (unless it's kept in an obvious place like your night table - then no).
Thieves don't rifle bibles for notes when they rob you. They're in a hurry. People might keep cash in their bible and that might be worth a flip through but nobody stops to open a folded paper in a bible to read it while they've got drawers and cupboards and all the usual places to check out for something they can sell or take.
But you will always find it because it's tucked neatly in the bible.
I keep mine in my 1995 daytimer. That thing is in among a stack of old daytimers. I know which one because 1995 means something to me.
(If you do this make sure you get spacing and capitals clearly. If you use a 1 or an I, make sure it's clear that one is the number one and the other is capital i)
On my password paper is my bank stuff, debit card stuff, pension site sign on and ID, and absolutely everything with a password. The odds of anyone finding that and taking that if I get robbed are extremely remote. But I'm 65 now and once in a while I blank out now trying to remember something. That's unlikely to improve at least in my case.
Never put your password paper with any other important papers or anywhere near your computer. Never put it in your purse. Other than that you can put it anywhere where you never say "now where did I put that?"
They say not to do this but I disagree based on the probability of someone actually finding that within the probability that I am actually robbed. That is versus the screamingly useful function of having my software backed up on hardware - not other software.
Elizabeth, I didn't see your post when I posted. I would have included it. That's a good idea to make it less obvious.
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On the topic of keeping or purging, we can change things and put them back. So we can try things and undo them. That can include purging where we put the things away but don't have them taken yet.
The first time I threw some of her things out I told someone and broke down hearing myself say that. It felt like I was getting rid of her so I really took my time and I've been thinning her things out all year and there isn't much left. It's so much easier now even though it's still sad.
As this first year is passing I notice that my thoughts about things are changing where I think about what is around me differently. Just last night I was sitting in the den watching TV and I realized I could slide her desk down to the end and put the TV on that. It would be a place for the cats to look out and would open up a space for the wooden chair. It's a small room and that would be an improvement. I didn't think like that for quite a few years.
My world is changing because I see my outlook is and I think that's a feeling I'm going to continue to nurture above virtually everything else. It probably means my ideas will change a few times this coming year.
I am purging though. I'm purging guilt and have come a long way there. I didn't appreciate how nefarious and dangerous an enemy that is. We are not guilty of anything here. I believe survivor guilt is real though and more serious than it gets attention. Those two words don't cover what that is. Guilt is a menace and it is deceitful and slippery and powerful. So often after laughing or having a good time, I have felt the draw of what Dianne does not have. As though my good is now connected to her bad. Survivor guilt is not only completely an inadequate phrase - it only covers part of the reality of the subject matter.
To laugh afterwards is to be afterwards and that is connected to Dianne and what happened in her in only this one way. Both Dianne and I want that I laugh afterwards. Guilt is definitely being purged. No one is guilty in this house because they can laugh.
I guess I am too trusting. All my usernames and passwords are in an excel file the printed out. They almost fill the 8 1/2 x 11 paper. It sits right next to my computer. We also often don't lock the door when leaving. My reasoning: even with passwords there is very little to steal, anyone with a universal RV key can get in through the door or open a window cause they aren't locked, cc numbers can easily be gotten searching through my desk, guess too trusting of people.
Here's a new spin on things I didn't think about...my new fellow when he saw hubby's work shop said "Don't get rid of anything I can use it!" He has his own stuff but combined with hubby he has a completely outfitted workshop. A Man Cave dream!
This was something I hadn't thought about having someone else coming into my life. I'm glad I left the workshop till last. I also hadn't gotten around to selling the row boat or motor.