I don't know if I should tell this or not, but I have to talk to someone about it. This morning as we were getting ready for church, DW could not get her panty-hose on. She kept pulling one leg all the way up before trying to get the other one in. I was getting so frustrated that I slapped her on the arm, not hard, but she got the meaning. I have never done anything like this before. For the rest of the day she has been trying to console me and tell me how much she loves me and needs me. She has forgotten all about the slap, but I will never forget.
If you were going to church on Sunday morning, you're probably a Christian. Christianity is all about forgiveness. Marsh, you MUST forgive yourself. it will never happen again, but it is sort of a warning that that frustration lives in all of us. None of us are immune to it.
Not too long ago DH lost something of value to me. I got so frustrated that I acted like some great primordial beast yelling and screaming...the whole works. My only saving grace was that the windows were closed. Thank heaven for that. I can't even say I won't meltdown like that again. But, I'm constantly aware of it.
By the way, get rid of the panty hose. Buy a bag of knee-high hose all the same shade. You can get them in nude, black, white. Cheaper that way and a lot less trouble. Whoever invented panty hose was not a sane person. They are miserable to get on especially if you are damp from a shower or from the humidity. The knee-highs are great with trousers. They also work great with a dress if it's long enough. If not, you can get thigh-high hose also in a bag. Good luck!
Blessings, Marsh. You've already been forgiven. Now it's your turn to forgive yourself!
I lost my temper with my DH once and threw a plastic coat hanger at him, The hanger actually cut his arm, I don't know how since it was plastic. But when I saw him bleeding I felt horrible, just horrible. I never again lost it to that extreme. We are all capable of having a breaking point, I knew when I did that I had to start taking time to go off by myself and relax, movie, shopping or something. Maybe that is what you need to do too. Make sure you are taking time to be away from the situation and taking care of yourself too.
Marsh, its only human to lose control sometimes under duress. you as a dr know better than anyone. on a couple of occasions my DH slapped me a few yrs back, and i popped him right back harder than his. i felt abolutely horrid about it later as it was all over bathing- and i had no time but response to that action and just didnt get time to evaluate the situation . you just lose it sometimes, after that i made sure i left the room for a cooldown period if he was in a nasty mood. like others say, sometimes you have to wonder if they know what they do or not-i have questioned many times some of his actions and have seen firsthand even today and my sisinlaw agrees some things we do believe he does on purpose. its never easy, dont be hard on yourself. divvi
Oh, I have screamed so that I don't know why the neighbors didn't come over to see what happened. Thank goodness for a solidly built house. I have grabbed him in frustration and then felt bad afterwards. I just know that I need breaks in order to do this even halfway...can't believe that I'm in this position!
nylons would test the patience of a saint! I agree, get rid of them, I am sure she wouldn’t miss them. I can imagine how upset you were, but do try to forgive yourself. We do the very best we can. I can't recall if you are getting any time to yourself? I think you have your DW in a day care? So you can exercise (and hurt your knee *wink) if I remember correctly. I know having time away from Lynn has done wonders for me and my care giving coping skills. AMAZING! Best of luck, and go easy on yourself. ~Nikki
ps, well you could use a garter, but the idea is to make things easier lol. as divvi said, they have elastic on the top to hold them up. You can find them right with all the other nylons in any store. The knee highs are also great and go up high enough for many dresses.
"Whoever invented panty hose was not a sane person." Too true. But then what can be said for all of us who WORE the stupid things???
Marsh, everyone has a breaking point, and I'd be willing to bet that yours takes a whole lot longer to reach than most people's.
It happened, like others said it's a warning sign that you're too stressed, so just learn from that and move forward.
For pity's sake, don't let what happened stress you even more. Obviously, your wife understands. Accept her understanding and forgiveness, as she wants you to do.
Marsh-a gazillion years ago I was making a home visit. My patient had blue bruises on her hands. All I had to do was look at her spouse-no accusations-and he started to cry. He was so worn out from trying to keep her clean and her playing in her poop at the same time that he just blew. That was long before I ever heard of AD and thank goodness I put my arms around him and let him cry.
Mostly we were a quiet couple, even after AD set in, but...
One day I screamed and screamed to the point that the neighbor asked if everything was OK, she heard screaming. I told her it was the TV--don't think she believed me. No one here is going to condemn you. A man helping an AD woman w/panty hose is all but saintly!
You're human. We all have our breaking points, and AD is the jet that will take us to them the fastest. I agree with Sunshyne - it's a sign that you need some respite. I don't recall if your wife is in Day Care at all, but maybe a couple of days a week would take the stress off of you. Or get someone to come in a couple of days a week, so you can go off with some fishing/biking/movie/whatever/ buddies and relax.
Marsh, that little melt-down was a warning that you are getting worn out. You need some kind of a break. Not you knee. Just time out away from home if possible. Do you have a daughter, sister, sister-in-law, close woman friend that could come in for a day or two so you could just get outta there. Head for the hills and enjoy the beautiful leaves. Just do something.
Oh Marsh, that reminds me of the time I got so frustrated with my husband I pushed him backwards on the chest 3 times. (That was one of the 2 nights I spent in a hotel.) This man has never laid a hand on me. I felt so bad with myself that I did that. I've never had the urge to do anything like that again. It also reminds me of the times I got so upset with him that he never gave me my phone messages. (That was when I 1st started wondering if he had a problem with his memory.) My friends would ask, did he tell you I called? Nope. They wondered why I didn't get back to them. Now I look at my phone to see the last calls that have come in, & if I recognize them, I call back. I have forgiven myself, & am sure you will too. (But I know how it feels.)
Marsh, I heard someone say once that before they had kids, they couldn't understand how a parent could hurt their own child, but after they had kids of their own, it made more sense.
We here are all "parents" and we understand. Whether it be a push, a poke or a verbal tirade, we are all human and dealing with more than is fair. I'm glad you felt comfortable here to tell us.
Sympathy for what you are dealing with headed your way.
Oh, Marsh - I don't even put pantyhose on myself, so you should have a medal for trying! My worst was the beginning of the sundowning. All you want is for that to stop! One night I totally lost it and started crying and saying, "if I can't take care of you, you will have to go to a nursing home". Then, besides sundowning my DH is also crying - my outburst really helped, obviously. It is funny how you can get used to just about anything and now I relax somewhat and know that in five hours or less it will be over. (I also take lots of naps...)
Mawzy, I tell the newbies they can say anything here. We say the unsayable and the unthinkable here. And because we can let the poison out, things get better.
And this thread is the proof...
We are all human. None of us is perfect. And we all need a place where we can say what we can't say anywhere else. And this is that place.
Why do people wear panty hose in the summer anyhow? They are hot & sweaty. I just put on a self tanner & go natural. I don't think anyone at church would even know if she wore the panty hose or not. Just some moisturizer on the legs & go. Unless she insists, I would forget putting anything on but her shoes. There was a big to-do on the show the VIEW. Even Barbara Walters has given up wearing panty hose & has naked legs.
Ever sit on an airplane for XXXXX hours and have those awful things clinging to you. Once many years ago when it was just definitely 'not done,' I went into the lavatory and stripped those off. Ahh, the relief. If anyone on that plane knew, they never said. I do wear the knee-highs when I wear pants. But, then, that's just me.
Marsh--get rid of those things!!! You'll be a much happier person and so will your DW. (smile)
Marsh - I too have "lost it" with my husband...and he has in turn, held me and said "we'll get through this"...as someone else said "we are human"...getting away is the best thing I have done for our situation here. I try to leave every Monday, Wed & Friday to go to the YMCA & work out...it helps to exercise, and also to just be away! I then can come home & shower & continue to get away if I want -- Three days a week, M,W,F, 9am-4pm...I don't always "go", but when I do, I always feel better and I am a better care-giver because of the time away. I know it and I know that my husband knows it. I hope you will get some time away on a regular basis as well...if it's not my "day to get away" and I "need a break", I try to walk outside in the garden & just pull a few weeds or water the plants a bit...just a few minutes away helps. Altho I know when you are trying to get ready to go somewhere (church, dr. appt, etc.) it is hard to meet the time constraints. I have a new motto for life with Alzheimer's about "time" and "being on time", and everyone I have appointments with knows that I may or may not be there at all, let alone on time. "I will get there when I get there"...it's not how I like it, but it is what it is...for now, that's all it can be. Once I adopted this thought, I found that I could relax and if things didn't go perfectly and we were running late, then we were just running late & I just couldn't change it...and that's that. I hope this helps you.
I've probably "lost it" with DH more times than I care to remember. Lately, it's been the struggle helping him in the bathroom. I'll tell him to take his pants off, take his underwear off, etc. I'll be trying to take it off for him so I can clean him, and he'll be putting them back on. That's the most frustrating thing! I want to get the whole cleaning thing over with, but it's dragging on because I can't get his undergarments off! I don't know if there's a "trick" to getting them to understand what "take off" means! I end up resorting to trying to pick up his legs to take them out of the underwear, which is next to impossible. I'm not the biggest or strongest person; DH has lost so much weight but is still bigger than me!
I also lost it this weekend when I was cleaning out the kitchen cabinet. I handed DH a couple of packages of moldy bread and asked him to throw them in the trash (just outside the door on the porch, something he's done countless times.) He started walking toward the living room with the bread. I yelled for him to throw them out. He got frustrated and banged them together and yep, you got it...moldy bread all over the kitchen floor! I got so mad, yelled at him like a child to go sit down.
I know how hard this is for him, he struggles so. I feel terrible when I yell at him, but as you say, we're human and have a point when we lose it. Sometimes I wonder if he'd be better off in a NH, but I can't bear the idea of strangers taking care of him when he still knows us and tells me regularly that he loves me.
Marsh, we all lose patience, and especially getting ready for Church, when she wants to look her best. Do forgive yourself! I remember trying to get four small children ready and get to Sunday School on time! No, I don't want to remember that! <grin>
Our spouses are both slowing down while getting dressed and undressed. I want to help my husband, but as long as he can do for himself, I let him, because his pride is still there that he can do it. I just have him start getting ready 30 minutes earlier than I used to! Your wife has to have your help, so make it easier on yourself.
I agree with those who said just put moisterizer on her legs and let her go barelegged. Very few women wear hose any more, even those who wear high heels. It is too hot in the summer, and too much hassle all of the time. If she doesn't feel comfortable bare-legged, then buy one pair of thigh highs and one pair of knee highs and see which ones she accepts. If she likes one, then get several pair of the same shade, so that when she gets a snag or run, you can just get one out of another pair instead of having to toss both of them out.
Marsh, I know of very few husbands, other than those here, who take such good care of their wives! You are great!
Kelly, I can really relate to what you are saying.....I could have written exactly what you have written....only it was about 10 years ago. Sometimes after a few days of no cooperation I would just cut the underwear off his body...sad, but true. At least that way I knew he would have clean underwear on his body.
I used to lose my temper all the time...I couldn't help it....I was no saint and he was driving me crazy...not intentionally, but it didn't matter, I was losing my mind.
Marsh, toss the pantyhose....good thought, but not worth the effort. Your sweet wife will be more comfortable and you will not be at your wit's end.
When our daughter was perhaps 2-1/2 or 3 years old I used to put all the socks from the clean laundry in a little laundry basket and it was her job to match them up and then put them on the proper person's bed. She got to be really good at it and rarely made an error. Naturally, I bragged her up and told her what a great job she'd done and what a good little worker she was.
Last week when I was folding laundry, I separated out his socks and mine and asked him to match them up and put them on our bed. I would put them away later. I'm so sad to tell you it was a bit too much. I couldn't help remembering DD and the pride she took in her job. But, it would have seem rather patronizing to tell an 82 year old gentleman "great job! You're a good worker!" I'm at a loss here. I didn't get mad at that. I just felt sad.
What time is your service? We generally go to early church (8 a.m.) I find that it's getting more difficult to get there on time. So, we're going to a later service. Gives DH more time to get ready. Maybe that would help if your church has multiple services.
Just a thought. Maybe it would save on the wear and tear on the nerves. Hope so!
Marsh, I'd like to take panty hose and wrap them around the inventor's neck pulling real tight. Just kidding of course but i have felt like that.Put me down for slacks and knee hi's.
Marsh, it sounds quite simple to take the pantyhose and just use the kneehighs. you may need to update her wardrobe some with easier clothing for her to get on/off. elastic band slacks bigger button blouses? dresses that button in front? ps the pantyhose will make it alot harder for her to use the bathroom alone too at some point so better get started early. hope you find the solution soon, divvi ps hope your knee is doing well.
I vote for slacks (with elastic waistbands) and knee-highs for myself, Marsh, but maybe your wife would find skirts and thigh-highs easier to handle in the bathroom situation. Less to have to pull down and pull back up again.
I hope this isn't considered indelicate, but a panty-liner would be very helpful, especially if there is a little bladder weakness. It will help alleviate any embarrassing moments.
And, I'm w/Ann. The guy that invented them was a sadist. Wonder if he's married. Hope not. But, then, that's just my opinion. (smile)
Pantyhose were the first thing I abandoned when I retired. I'd given up heels, and mostly skirts, before that. Uplifting bras after that; I tend to use undershirts in the winter. Marsh, give it up! Tell her the nurse/cna/therapist/whoever, said she didn't need to wear them any more.
I really appreciate all your comments and suggestions. The panty hose is going out!!!!!!!
Regarding getting some time to myself, I do have her in an Adult Day Care Center 3 mornings a week so I can exercise, work in the Free Clinic, get a haircut, etc. Also, in October I will be going to New Jersey for 3 days with friends from High School (we formed a club then and still get together once a year). DW's sister will be staying with her.
Family is calling now with such thoughts as - 'hey, we know a good NH'. Makes me more hesitant to say anything to them since that just isn't an option on my page right now. Anyone interested in checking this out - www.escapeescare.org which is my next plan if I can't get more answers here. $1700 for 40 hours of day care and all living expenses is better than anything else for us. And, I would be among friends...
Marsh ... partly, I've been keeping lists of sites / subjects for many months, anything I trip across that I think I might need in the future. That's much easier than trying to actually do a search at the time I need information to help care for my husband as his AD gets worse.
Partly, I'm avoiding doing all the other things I SHOULD be doing, "justifying" my procrastination on the grounds I will need this info for my husband, and it's better to research it now while the idea is fresh in my mind. My husband is still pretty functional, so what I'm putting off is ... housework (blech), paperwork associated with the company bankruptcy (double blech), and other delightful activities along the same lines. I'm also "justifying" it on the grounds I was working for 80-100 hours per week for many years, added caring for my husband on top of that three years ago, and right now, since the company is folding and I can't go in to the facility any more, I'm trying to recover, figure out where my priorities are, and decide where to go from here (new job etc.) I have been toying with the idea of going after Government grants in some area that has to do with AD. So I can claim (with some small degree of truth) that I am researching what I might want to do in the future, something that I might be able to turn into a new job that I can do from home.
And last, but not least, I don't waste time putting on panty hose! Switched to slacks and knee highs many, many moons ago. :-)
I guess I should be glad my husband is still able to use the bathroom on his own, however, when he goes #2 he evidently doesn't do a good job with the paperwork. He sits to do #1 also, which sometimes leaves #2 on the toilet seat, then when he gets up he notices it, gets mad & can't understand why there is #2 on the seat & who left it there. When he doesn't notice it, I am not to thrilled with need to clean the toilet seat every time he sits on it either, however, I have been doing it for months now. Also, flushing is a problem even with notes on both toilets to Please Flush. I didn't criticize him, however, he is sulking in the garage. Hopefully, he will be over it soon, he has a haircut appointment in a half hour.
Mine ALWAYS leaves it, but his explanation is that he wants me to see that he's produced the proper amount of poop! Since I give him immodium daily to try to keep production down, I DO want to check occasionally and make sure he's not stopped up, but I really don't need to see it more than maybe once a week. Which of course is beyond him to figure out.
Ok, dont even get me started on this subject. just be glad its still in the general vacinity of the bathroom:)..sigh, if this was all i had to clean i would be overjoyed..count your blessings-.divvi
Kadee, denial, denial is the name of the game alot of time, havent you seen the threads we posted about 'those kids" and those Guys" who do that stuff?? Ha...part of the game, i guess. good luck dont get too disturbed and lose it, there will much bigger hurdles along the way.:)remember its the disease doing the excuses-divvi
divvi, I have to gripe about the fact that he aim is off on #1, and if I forget to wipe it down with a clorox towelette and toliet paper before sitting, I get a wet seat! Then I have to shower! I now leave the toilet seats UP, but HE will put them down now! I can't win. However, it IS better than poop in the carpet... <grin>
i just recently found the solution for myself. not very handy so to speak and takes some effort but does work. i got 2 med size light plastic garbage cans and when Dh goes in for #1 i go with him and show him how to hold the can up CLOSE and pee in it over the commode. wow! no more sprays over the toilet seat or walls..:) and then i pour down the toilet and spray clorax in till next time. even at nite in our bathroom its working. since i get up anyway with him to avoid him slipping on the way etc, i have found utopia:))) and the smells have subsided along with daily wall/floor/toilet cleaning. if the aim is off, ladies its a good way to save some work if you can get them to use one!!!! divvi