My husbands room mate at the NH has taken to making inappropriate comments to me when I visit. After the first comment which was "hey, just show it to me," I avoided making eye contact and ignored him. Later the charge nurse came to me and said I should file a complaint. I told her I wasn't paying attention and in fact wasn't sure what he was saying. She said she would be filing a report about it anyway. I figure I can handle it but won't take my grand daughters to visit in his vicinity in future.
My question to you is "what is the appropriate way to handle this situation?" Can it lead to physical harassment if not managed early? How do they train the CNA's and nurses to approach this?
jules, tell us a little more. I assume your husband is in an NH in the dementia ward; does his roommate have a spouse and visitors? Does he behave this way with the aides/nurses when they come in to care for either your husband or him? I find it very interesting that the charge nurse is advising you to file a complaint rather than finding some way to distract him. Seems to me the staff is having problems controlling his behavior and want you to file the complaint so they don't have to.
Can you visit your spouse in a "common room" rather than his shared room? If not, is there a curtain that can be drawn so that his room mate doesn't see you and other visitors? I ask this because when my husband was in the dementia ward in a NH last year for rehab, his room mate was very similar. actually he started swearing at me and was saying "fu*k this, fu*k that", you bitch, etc. I was disturbed because the NH staff had called me in at 11:00 pm to calm my husband but his room mate just started spewing obscenities at everyone. I later found out from the nursing staff that the room mate hated people coming into the room he didn't know. Then why did you call me??????
All of the staff should be trained to handle this situation, but sadly many are not. Since it was the in-charge nurse who encouraged you to file a complaint, I would ask her what training she and the others have had in dealing with this behavior and why they haven't filed a complaint. And what are the plans for handling this behavior in he future? Maybe a visit to the facility director or DON is in order.
As an aside, I wanted to tell the room mate to go fu*k yourself but didn't because he has dementia and I don't (yet). It's is annoying and counterproductive when you are trying to help your spouse through a difficult time (when that's what the facility staff is being paid for).
My husband is in the locked dementia ward. I never see any visitors or spouse but see photos of a wife. This behavior was happening in the cafeteria where I was helping my husband with lunch. The nurse kept telling him to stop and that his comments were unacceptable. He just told her to shut up, he wasn't talking to her. So far he has never been in the room at the same time I am there to help with my husband. Mine is put down for a nap and after that I leave. Then they put this fellow down for a nap after I leave. This may be for the very reason of his inappropriate behavior. I guess I will ask next time what is the best way to handle it. Perhaps they can suggest something that will be helpful for all.
jules, when you speak with someone at the facility (either DON, Director or in-charge nurse) ask them to note it in your husband's file (and the other guys file) that you spoke with them about his behavior and requested they handle the situation. It's smart to make sure it's noted just in case something else happens or it escalates.
I do find it odd that the nurse suggested filing a complaint. This behavior is common in LTC and staff should be used to dealing with it, be it distracting the resident with an activity or requesting medication (probably only necessary if the resident's actions are not limited to verbal ones). If you file a complaint, is it a complaint against the resident or against how the LTC facility is handling it?
It might be worth letting staff know when you are visiting, especially if you are brining additional visitors so the offender can be kept busy with an activity. Or have you visit your husband separated from this resident.
I am always concerned about the actions of one resident on another. I would think that the staff would be aware of any inappropriate behavior so as to protect other residents, but it never hurts to bring it to their attention.
Jules, I think your response to the charge nurse couldn't have been better. I agree with LFL's comments. It seems to me that the charge nurse, and perhaps her staff, would like you to do their job for them. Just a few other thoughts: Could you keep handling it the way you have been, that is, no eye contact, ignore the man, and let the charge nurse do as she says she will and file her own report? If the situation gets worse, I'd then sent a letter directly to the highest-in-command at the facility, with a brief, factual summary. In the meantime, I'd research how the chain works, all the way up to the top. Sometimes there is a regional supervisor who is capable. I've done this in the past, and it was effective. Unfortunately, this gem left in about a year to work for another company, but for awhile, life in the facility for my husband went smoothly.
if the person is a dementia patient then its probably associated with the disease, you know loss of inhibitions and unwanted sexual behaviors. if hes there for other reasons than dementia and 'sane' then maybe a complaint is in order. either way I would avoid being in contact with him and find another area to visit spouse when there.
I figure I can keep avoiding eye contact and ignoring him. I'm sure it is the lack of filters courtesy of the disease. I wouldn't want to create trouble for this fellow when he obviously has no control of this. Fate was kind to us in that my husband isn't the one making these disturbing comments to people. It so easily could have rolled the other way. I just wonder how the training goes for the folks who work in these facilities. Even though I ignore it somehow it makes me very sad and that feeling stays with me most of the way home until I can distract myself. I can probably initiate some changes in the seating during meals to avoid contact.
The room mate disappeared. I don't know what happened and in inquiring they will only say that he was moved. Problemed solved for us, maybe not for him.