Once I realized from others and the AA support group meetings, that my wife still gets some benefit out of visitors even if she doesn't she externally act it out, I told people from her earlier life , specifically the wife, (stephanie) of her 2nd husband (who remarried after divorcing my wife 10 years before I met her) that a visit by her with my wife's Ex, would be worthwhile at least for my Alzheimer's stricken wife.
The visit was today and Stephanie wrote me an Email about the visit. My wife was very animated when they arrived and smiled quite often at them. I had a mixed reaction- part of it was that I think the visit was good for all the participants, but my other reaction was frustration and envy. My wife has been in this place for 10 months and I have yet to get a smile out of her- she certainly never acted as if she was glad to see me.
I started to think that she still loved her 2nd husband (he divorced her). I began to wonder whether either of us two loved one another. We got along very well and had fun times together. But I think we were both anxious to get married to avoid further loneliness. Maybe the feelings of love weren't strong enough.
On the other hand, maybe I'm building up something that isn't valid. I can say for sure that I'm disturbed from what I read in the Email. I may also feel resentment and some anger toward my wife. It seems misplaced????? It's tough to feel anger toward someone who doesn't know what they're doing most of the time.
Watchful, we do know that they many times remember people, places, from earlier in life. The 13 days my DH was in the NH he did not respond or smile at me either. However, when someone came whom he had not seen in months he would respond to them. He responded to a certain aide at the NH, who was young - and resembled me - when I was younger and met him.
Yes, the resentment may be there and it's hard to take. I tried to think that if he was happy for those few moments, that was good. He most likely did not remember 5 minutes after they left.
I think you were a very loving and caring husband to ask that they do this. Bless you.
I brought the earlier discussion to the top so we could see what others have already said. Since this behavior is so common, I do not understand why a discussion or explanation is not available on other websites. Where are all the NH social workers, AA experts, etc? If anyone on this site has seen such an explantion, please lead us to it.
Watchful, my husband is still at home but some days I experience the same thing. He is mostly non-verbal now, so expressions of any kind are meaningful to me. Often when he comes to the kitchen table for breakfast he doesn't say good morning or even smile, however when our live-in aide (male) talks with him he will smile. when we have someone visit the house (infrequently) he will shake hands with them and try to have a conversation. He was a very sociable man and we loved to entertain before dementia stuck. I think somehow the old ways kick in in certain situations.
I also think that sometimes it's just too hard for them to "put on social graces" and somehow know that we love them no matter what. Yes it is hurtful and it is hard not to be resentful when it is we who are caring for them full-time, but one thing I've leaned about this dementia journey, none of it is easy. And it always seems that the spouse caregiver gets the brunt of this effects of the disease.
I agree with Vickie, I too think you are a very loving and caring husband to ask your wife's ex to visit. Perhaps you can at least take comfort in knowing that you're responsible for having brought her some happiness.
Watchful, my wife has been in a memory unit for one year. When I see her, almost daily, she sometimes gives me a little smile and holds my hand, sometimes there is almost no recognition. But if one of the staff comes to help us, she gives them a big smile and laughs. This seems to happen with many of us. We have to remember that their brain is not working the way it should and be glad they are reasonably happy.
I forgot to say that my husband has been in LTC for only 2 months and he seldom smiles when he seee me (alhough sometimes he makes a little face that he used to use as a private sign between us) . Other visitors, however, have reported big smiles when they visit.
None of this makes me doubt whether my husband loved me and it certainly does not make me doubt whether I love him. IMO, to use the current behavior of a demented person to start questioning your own motives 10 years ago makes no sense. Please don't let your wife's behavior undermine your own emotional stability.
I take your pain and fragility right now very seriously.
On July 1 you posted which Myrtle has brought up to show, about how your wife smiling and not smiling made you feel. On July 4 you posted that you had talked to a therapist and reminded your wife of things and got a smile or two. Today you feel this again and more powefully. The memory of her smiling on July 4 and to get her to remember seems gone. Instead the meeting which you set up was good for her which is what you thought and hearing that has made you question everything now.
Be careful right now please because I think you may be overwrought and I suggest the smiling may be a displacement of what is actually going on inside you. Great misery inside ourselves comes out in different ways and I think the smiling is a representation of your feelings but may not be the main issue.
You did say something today about perhaps rushing to avoid lonliness back then. Is there some chance that you may be terribly lonely right now and feel trapped that one of your greatest needs feels unobtainable?
If that thought sounds like it might have some truth, what could you do to help yourself? If you joined an Alzheimer's group or something like that maybe it would help talk with people in similar situations. Does the idea of having a dog or a cat to share this time with sound like a possibility? Could you take someone to lunch?
I'm just trying to make some suggestions. I do know Watchful7 that the idea of smiling which sounds like it's trying to consume you is not what it seems. It might be missing her, lonliness, fear, resentment. They're all valid feelings which Alzheimer's spouses have truly earned the hard way if anyone in life has earned those feelings.
Try to be kind enough to yourself in this very difficult time for you.