Today she emailed me back with an even more shocking statements. She still does not believe I did not know about what my husband was doing, that I should have been charged too. She also said I should be in prison for abusing my kids. I wrote her back that I have been through counseling, apologized to them upteen times; son has forgiven and he was abused the worst, daughter has not but that is her choice now. God has forgiven me and that is most important to me. I asked her why the change, what is going on to cause the 180. That whatever it is I hope it works out.
I almost added she should have been thrown in jail using drugs when she was pregnant with her first daughter who was taken away from her and raised by her ex's parents due to her drug use. But, I did not.
Your "friend's" own guilt about her past behaviors and lifestyle may be partially responsible for her lashing out at you now - it makes some people feel better if they can bring other people down to their soup of guilt and shame and have them share the experience. Time to cut the ties and not answer the next note you get from her. This is a negative influence on you that you just don't need!
I have had to cut ties with my own sister because she and her DH are such negative, abusive people. I am far better off without them.
There are others out there who can be supportive of us. And I reconnected with one such person last night - haven't seen her in 7 years but we are renewing our friendship now. I was there for her when her husband committed suicide by alcohol, and I know she will be supportive of me now.
People on this site have talked a lot about how hard it is to take care of ourselves. I suggest that one way is to protect ourselves from destructive people and situations.
Most of us fall into despair sometimes. Someone with depression has to be especially careful about this. Exposing yourself to this judgmental woman is like exposing yourself to toxic material. It would be as though I (who have asthma) started to smoke cigarettes.
This woman is taking everything you say and using it against you. Stop talking and writing to her. Just cut her off. You do not owe her an explanation for anything. It’s too bad that someone you thought was a friend is actually an enemy but better you know that now rather than later.
Hang in there. As you can see from the comments here, a lot of people are supporting you.
So I'm chasing my cat around the house with the pork back rib in it's mouth and it's beady eyes clearly feeling the hunt in the jungle. I had no idea they liked barbeque sauce and today found an area on a rug smeared in it. Obviously this trophy had been lugged around before I noticed it. The little darlings.
It's raining. It's 60 degrees. It's rained on and off for weeks and the weather has remained unseasonably cool. I can't remember shutting windows at night to keep the warmth in mid august. I can remember milk delivery and even ice wagons drawn by horses even though we lived in the city. Back then we had an ice box where they lugged the block in with huge tongs and stuck it in the 'freezer' where it would start melting but keep the fridge cool for a while. There must have been a pan at the bottom to collect the water but I don't remember.
My current fridge communicates with aliens. Every once in a while it sends out whale songs and I swear there is a portal into another dimension or something because strange things show up sometimes at the back of the fridge. There was a Hershey's chocolate syrup can which expired in 1995 which is two houses ago. It's best not to overthink some things.
My cats aren't interested in human food. I take that back, one will dig into cake and muffins (any bread product) if we leave it out. This cat also likes popcorn and various junk foods.
Not sure about my wife's cat (who lives in my bedroom). He hasn't been allowed to roam the house while we eat meals. I suspect he would jump on the table and grab something meaty. Then again, he isn't well coordinated an might miss. You should see him chase after his toys when I throw them. He has this "we did it go" look on his face when standing right on top of it.
I am also in the process of ending a friendship. We had worked together and that was the basis of it. Now, it is long distance. In my case, she betrayed me by sharing something with others that was a violation of my privacy. If don't respond to her she will continue to contact me and that in itself causes me a lot of stress.
That is part of my reasoning. The other part is that, for me, there is a very strong urge to "speak my piece". Sometimes I think those who are toxic as well as passive-aggressive have some kind of radar that tells them when to zoom in on those who are experiencing challenges in their own lives.
The last 18 hours have been interesting, to say the least.
I ended up taking DH to emergency last night at 10:30. He was complaining of severe pain across his rib cage. All his vitals were fine, the doctor saw him at 1 AM, and at 1:30 I was told I could go home, they were going to run more tests in the morning. Well, I can't say I slept long or well (did I mention I caught a cold from my DH, so I had sniffles and a sore throat?). This morning I called, and found out his blood work was normal.
I had made it clear from the moment we entered the hospital that my DH has dementia and has no concept of time. So I was somewhat taken aback when the nurse I was talking to asked me if he was always so confused about the day/date. Apparently he had told her that today was November 14, 1940. So I explained again. This is important, because when he is describing pain he can give quite different answers about how long it has lasted. He told me a couple of hours, and he told the triage nurse a couple of weeks. I know you veterans out there already know this, but for the newbies its something to keep in mind when speaking to medical staff.
At about 11, hubby called asking to come home. The doctor came on the line and said that the only thing wrong with him (other than the kidney stones which we already knew about) was severe constipation, and they had given him something and I could come get him in the afternoon. And yes, feed him lots of fruits and vegetables, and make sure he drinks lots of water. Yeah, right. You can lead a horse to water.... Oh yes, and monitor his bowel movements - another Yeah, right. Hubby has bathroom privacy issues, so how am I to do this when I am not allowed in the bathroom when the door is closed and asking him is not necessarily going to give me a relevant answer?
Now DH is home, and he is really out of it - hallucinating, disoriented etc. I am hoping that now that he is home and in his own bed he will get back to his "normal" although I am also prepared for this to be the new "normal" as he has been deteriorating quite a bit in the last month or so.
I have spoken to a pharmacist, and I will begin giving my DH a stool softener in his morning coffee every morning from now on to try to prevent this from happening again.
This is the first health "crisis" we have had since my DH was diagnosed. But I know it won't be the last. I'm treating this as yet another learning experience on this long journey.
We are in Vancouver for my family reunion and HB has neuro appt on Monday. He did not want to come but there are plenty of places around my sister's to be alone. Glad I came because my brother that came out fr Virginia is having memory problems. My sister whose house it is at is 75 and the one with VaD. We brou granddaughter with us and our son showed up. Kinda disappointed because was looking for her as a distraction for me but then her dad came down from Tacoma and she is excited. Oh, did I say last night and this morning were a nightmare trying to pack? Last night he would count his underwear and socks, then count the again. He was getting stressed and frustrated and I wanted leave and never come back. Last night I told him to put the windows up in the car, he get s the keys and goes out. Laying in bed at midnight when it starts raining, thunder and lightning when I think I better check. Don't know what he did but he did not put the up. Granddaughter was no problem and has been very patient with Papa and his repeating and forgetting. She will act like it was the first time and give different answers to have fun. Not bad answers just different versions!
Had a good trip down to Vancouver for my family reunion and hb doctor appt on Monday. We were at the reunion for 10 hours Saturday and back for a few hours on Sunday. He did real good which surprised me. He would go to where there were just a couple people -usually in the house with my oldest sister - and if people came in would move somewhere else.We have had granddaughter (age 8) since last Wednesday but her dad showed up on Friday so she hung out with him until Sunday afternoon. Never sleep well the first night. Second night I was looking for my brother's grandparents burial spot (half brother). Found it around 1, so was going to sleep when son called to say Myra had puked and they would be over to sleep at the motel. 2am went to sleep. Sunday night got to sleep but was too short of night as had to check out, drop her off at nieces who watched her while went to doctor, then long drive home.
His neuro appt went fine. He has gone downhill some which I knew. She said a couple points. I think a year ago he was 21 so that would be 19. I will have to either wait until his appointment info is ready online in a couple weeks or look up his last appt records. Because of his need to walk all the time she said it was time to get an ID for him to wear in case he wanders off outside the park. I told her I was looking to do medic alert. We also had the blood draw for the Presen 1 gene. If it comes back negative i can let his nieces know they have no greater chance than the general public. I know they are finding other genes they think are associated with it, so in reality it might not be true.
I am exhausted today - and sore muscles from walking cemetery looking for relatives and the long ride home. I went to sleep early (for me) last night at midnight (had to watch the episode of Dallas) and woke up at 10. I had a doctor appt at 11:40 to get a ingrown toenail removed. I had him take a slice of the side and kill the end so it won't grow back. Been fighting it for over two years with no luck to get it grown out - kept stubbing it and breaking it back down. Good thing cause the soreness at the tip was due to the nail starting to rot. For the last 2 years it has a had a band aid with antibiotic cream on it. So far it does not hurt - just the spots they shot the lidocane. I am sure tomorrow it will hurt more, if not tonight when I go to bed.
Glad to be home and will be happier when granddaughter is gone. She is no problem - plays her kindle, draws or for the first time is watching TV. She also wants to go swimming every day but gave it up for TV today. Instead of tomorrow, her mom will pick her up on Thursday.
Wait'll I get to Al Zheimer. Picture Jim Carrey bent over pulling his glutious mamimus like it's talking saying, "Hey there Mr Al Zheimer! I got your groundhog day right here!"
Hey there Al Zheimer Sorry I closelined ya
Just thinking out loud. That was written just now listening to Dave Brubeck's Take Five and is in that rhythm. Supposed to be in that rhythm.
I have been thinking seriously about putting the cabin on the market and have been looking around in town. Though it would be convenient to walk to everything this town isn't very pretty and to have neighbours that close! Plus I wouldn't be able to buy in there what I have out here. So I haven't made up my mind plus when the kids heard about it, it was amazing how they are now going to help me with things here ie firewood, yard maint and sorting through his stuff so I won't sell. Time will tell.
But I have started going through the out buildings and OMG! I can't believe how much stuff he has collected over the years. Yesterday was 3 truck loads to the dump and I've hardly put a dent in it. Plus all the old wood he has in different piles around the property that is no good that I've got to load and get rid of.
He had one of those silver storage tents and it collapse over the winter from the weight of the snow. After going through it I moved one 1/2 truck load to the wood shed....which is now converted into storage shed....the rest is going to the dump except for the stuff that one the neighbours guys have laid claim to. Their wives can clean it up after they die!
Next is his work shop, which again there are a couple of neighbours just waiting for me to begin. Most of his stuff in the cabin has been gone through but still what to do with his photos when he was young? He doesn't talk to his kids and even though I would be fine with sending the photos to them do I want to open this can of worms. We are way better off without them in our life.
We are a family of pack rats...I always say "I come honestly by it" but we have no heirs...no children. nieces/nephews not interested in stuff only money. what will I do with all the beautiful designer Christmas ornaments I collected so lovingly over 30+ years?
Anyway, Amber perhaps you can save the photos of his youth in a safe place and leave them to the step-monsters when he passes or in your will ? Or maybe not. Photo's have always been important to me and even of people with whom I've become estranged. They're part of who we are and sometimes we're just not smart enough to truly appreciate and cherish the impact those people have had on our lives. I can tell you many times I've looked at old photos and have had a serious chat with self about the person and what they meant in my life. Photos are a snap shot in time and once gone can never be recaptured. Please find a way of keeping them and sending them to his children so it doesn't open that can of worms. Let them throw them away if they so chose.
Amber, I agree with LFL about the importance of photos. My 2 cents: I'd also advise sending them to his children but NOT until after he has passed. When my step-daughter sees me disbursing her Dad's stuff, she gets very territorial - even when she's the one getting most of it. You don't want to rile that sleeping monster.
LFL, if you have a collection of yours that you adore but no one to inherit them, you can consider a few things. Find another collector or museum that would be interested and put them in your will. Or sell them if you need the money or can't care for them. Or find a way to share you joy of them now, and that might inspire a long term solution later. Or do nothing. Are you in contact with other people with this same interest, they might have the best ideas.
I like the idea of leaving a note in my will to have it sent to the step monsters...I like that description of them...after he and I are gone. I can see them trying to get part of the estate after he has passes and I having a battle on my hands even though I've taken all the steps I can to avoid this from happening.
Thanks paul for the ideas. I'm not ready emotionally to part with them yet, although I honestly don't know why since I can no longer use them while DH is home. They're all glass and 2 years ago he literally tore the tree down the day after Christmas (we only put it up on the 23rd). I guess I just feel like it's another thing I'm losing (lost) to dementia.
No I'm not in touch with other collectors but it's a great idea so I'll start looking. I'm just not terribly motivated these days.
Today is our 30th anniversary. It's starting out just like the day we got married....cool morning for August (52) and bright blue sky. It was a perfect day in many ways. I am grateful Rich is still home with me and we can share this day together in our own home. I'll just have to celebrate it for the two of us. But he still enjoys a party. Bittersweet.
LFL, I can see why you don't want to part with them. I had bought some stuff that I collected and kept them in my office until L moved to an ALF. These objects provide you with some comfort and you hope to display them some day.
I don't see any need to give/sell them right now. Just think about what you eventually want to do. I hope you do get to enjoy them in the future (though that also means that DH won't be home anymore).
The decision to place a family member with dementia in a nursing home can be hard for the family and may be accompanied by feelings of guilt, sadness and anger. Here's some practical advice to help you make the right choice.
If you decide to move your loved one to a nursing home,be sure the nursing home meets basic safety requirements. The nursing home and its administrator should have current licenses from the state, and the facility should meet state fire regulations, which include sprinkler systems and fire doors. Consider asking to see the latest state survey and/or monitoring report. (Note from Mary 75*: I've just found out that my friend is in the only facility in Vancouver, Canada, that doesn't have a fire sprinkler system. Should I tell her, or her family?)
It is important for the staff to be familiar with common issues arising from dementia. Ask whether the staff is continually trained in dementia care, what kinds of programs are offered to the residents, how individual care plans are developed and how different levels of functioning are supported.
Give specific examples of behaviors or challenges caused by Alzheimer's to find out how difficult situations might be handled. Be sure the facility provides for the special needs of each resident. Other possible questions include the following:
Do you have an Alzheimer's program? If so, is it designated as a Special Care Unit (meaning it's licensed by the state as a special unit)? How are medical, dental and vision needs met? Do residents get an annual flu shot at the home? Can the home accommodate any improvement or deterioration in a resident's condition? What behavior interventions do you use? (These are measures the staff would take before recommending medication.) Are rehabilitation services -- like physical, speech and occupational therapies -- available? What is the home's policy regarding life-sustaining measures? Although this is a painful subject to discuss at the time of the patient's admission, it is generally important to record in the resident's chart the wishes of the family and resident Advice on Choosing a Nursing Home regarding end-of-life care.
Want you all to know that there is life after Alzheimer's. Although I will never be the same as I was before Alzheimer's, I did learn perseverance. I've sold book #12 to a publisher, have registered at the university ( still working to complete my 4th year majoring in English literature) and am walking without aid following my pelvis fracture.
Regarding your question about telling the friend's family there's no sprinkler system in the facility, yes, I would mention it, they should know that's a safety risk. Having said that, do you think they will be offended that somehow you're criticizing their choice of facility? Did they have difficulty finding a suitable facility and placement was difficult? If any of those might be issues, I'd try to find a subtle way to let them know and hopefully they will understand you have your friend's safety in mind.
LFL, thanks. Re. your questions about mentioning the lack of sprinkler system, "yes" to all of them. They'll all get on their high horses. Unless the right opportunity comes up, I hesitate to go there. My friend is always singing the praises of the facility, which is a good thing. She has had a heart attack and a stroke and has multiple problems with her sisters, and I hate to add to her worries. I am somewhat reassured that the facility is very well run and amply staffed, probably one of the best in the city, other than the sprinkler system. The more I write, the more I realize that I should keep my mouth shut. The sisters are something to behold: formidable, think Broomhilda.
Charlotte, I wrote you an email with my writing name. I'm still spooked by my stepchildren and their mother and don't want to identify myself on this site. Many of my books are in the public library. Thanks for your good wishes. LFL, glad to have your okay on dealing with the lack of sprinkler system concern.
Vickie, I hope that once you're settled in your new home that you'll keep in touch with all your friends and admirers here. For some reason, I always feel better when I know how you are.
I thought the book I read that Mary wrote was very good. Vickie, I hope it all goes well. Keep us posted.
As for me, I'm not moving but I enjoy going to strange places. I like walking into the back rooms of memories and rummaging around to see what's there. I like it because it's what I have and what I am.
Like Huckleberry Finn. I can still see scenes. Huck hiding from his drunk father. The two snake oil guys getting them tarred and feathered. I remember the scene and I think this is out of Tom Sawyer where he's caught out being dressed like a girl because the woman throws an apple into his lap and Tom closes his legs to make sure he catches it but she explains that a girl would have opened her legs to catch the apple in the dress he was wearing.
I remember clearly how clever that was and that if I was ever to be in a dress to catch the apple properly. I also remember that I had a mad crush on Becky. When they kissed in the cave I can still touch the vicarious rush I felt wanting her to kiss me.
I can almost smell the air when Sidney Carlton goes up those steps while the wagon rumbles away to safety. I can leave the horse and it's steaming breath and walk through the snow to the barn I put there in the gloom and from there I can look back and see the horse which is a dappled grey standing hitched to the sleigh where Robert Frost left them.
I can see the green aurora dancing in the coal black night they cremated Sam McGee. I can see Lincoln in his dowdy clothes going up after a famous oratory gave a two hour rampage through a dictionary and gave the Gettysburg address. It's a sunny day with a slight breeze and it's in color. I can see Debbie Reynolds landing in the hay all red hair and laughter.
I can see us. Hanging around in Hemingway's house patting the cats in Key West. Hitch hiking across the prairies at night with a one inch high thunderstorm raging many many miles away. The look on her face when she came in after her head hit the pillow and the little box under it.
I've got lots of issues I have to try and figure out and the only answer I can give if someone asks me what I think about my new life is to throw up. But I can play the orchestra of my memories which is what Alzheimer's took away from her. Not me. I always had the thai noodle soup at LAX with the two halves of a boiled egg in it and I will always be anchored in Frying Pan Bay watching the fires on the beach with the other two dozen boats swinging around in unison in the night breeze. The stars where so bright you could see the milky way stretch end to end and someone would be playing a guitar lit orange by the campfire on the shore.
I don't believe in pictures, movies, books, histories, or memory. Reality is in the eye of the beholder IMO. In my reality the only interesting parts are in the moments and what they mean or how they feel. "I'm in the dhark here!" Yes we are. And no we're not.
Table for one please. I'm meeting myself for lunch and bringing all my friends. There's Boobee the fat faced little boy with the blond hair, Wolfie the kid knocking his knees together and fidgeting, Wolfgang the foreign kid struggling through public school in english (who's the genius who thought of this?), Wolf the giant in high school, Wolf the clueless who just wanted to hang out, Wolf the slave forced into 30 years of hard labor just to keep bread on the table, and of course Wolf the walking wounded, Wolf the lost ten years, Wolf the repository of the world's pain, and so on.
I bring the meeting to order. Quiet please. We're here today for the same reason we're here every day which is why is our life a pile of rubble strewn across the fields. (everybody sighs) This is worse than Waiting for Godot forever. This is worse than the worst movie I ever saw because I could laugh at how bad that was but this is my life we're talking about here - of which I don't have one.
Well, I do. I brood. And I help feed my wife. And then I come home and pretend I have one - a life I mean. I know what that felt like. It was this bored detachment with the social calendar and our army like precision in shopping, packing, going, packing, and coming home or shopping, cooking, hosting, waving, and cleaning up. Those were called weekends and they showed up in between the prison work we did for money. All of our friends were the dearest friends and would go to the wall with us and we would with them. And then something actually happened and all the Chardonney and hummus and tabuli flew out the window with all the happy times laughing and kibbitzing believing it was going to go on forever. Which it didn't because that's the pile of rubble strewn across the fields.
The problem is that's just the stuff you can see. Inside there's two worlds raging or more staring at each other like zombies. The world of my wife which reduces me to tears and even convulsions if I open those gates. It's a genuine horror. I love her. She's all I had. What she has gone through living it directly. There were days I hated her for having it. I'm a human being. There are memories that still shock. I detest hiding information vehemently and I have to do it to survive. This disease even makes me distort myself and I don't even have the disease.
The other world is science fiction. I wake up ten years in the future and am old now which is a shock the first time you pass a mirror and really look. I am shunned because my wife is sick. No one shuns me they just pretend I was never married and hope I don't bring it up. I have no real family. It's wildly underwhelming even taking into account that I never worked at it either.
I want to absorb it all, flip my keys, and drive off into the sunset. But I can't. I have writer's blocks and there is no sunset because nothing is conceived in my future. I seem not to allow a future and have never had an enthusiastic thought that 'afterwards' I would do such and such or any single thing. That's not me. And I have fears of being hurt and even of having careless feelings where deep feelings are scarce around here in crockadile land. I'm 64 very soon and honestly in my last normal year I was 55.
I understand these days more clearly that I have issues and why and that they are real. I did have human reactions to AD at times but I put none of that on my wife - or me. All battlefields have bullet holes. I would like to know though please what I need to do to have my confidence replace the feeling that I'm always battling. I appreciate visiting my new life. I would like to move in and I would like mopey, dopey, dreery, floppy, soppy, whacky, and weirdo to move in together somewhere else please.
What a slog. What strange creatures we are. What fantasy reality is where even physics is personal. Einstein proved that in one of his thought experiments where a train rushes past a crossing with a stopped car. The person on the train heard the whistle blow and it was a constant sound but the person in the stopped car heard the same whistle and knows it went up in pitch and then down in pitch as it passed. They're both right. The planet thinks it's pulling in the moon with it's gravity and the moon thinks it's going in a staight line past the planet. They're both right said Einstein. No one believed that solid objects are mostly empty space where one wag in the 19th century broke his toe kicking a rock declaring "I refute it thus". But hundreds of nutrinos have passed through you since you started reading this and have gone right through the earth not hitting a single thing.
I don't care about nutrinos passing through my life. I want the seven dwarfs to move out. Can I buy a vowel here? I ask the blank faces sitting around me at lunch. Bunch of freeloaders. I have to do everything myself.
For me it was, "I'm 64 very soon …in my last normal year I was 55." I totally get that comment. I'm 65 next month, and my last normal (sort of) year was also 55. Well, he is yelling again. I'm off to crush some meds.
Such excitement that fills our nights....Elizabeth has her pill crushing to keep her busy. I just picked my guy up off the floor and tucked him back in. Sleep is so over rated.
Indeed the line, "I have to do everything myself" - so true.
I also turn 64 in October. I know I will never be normal again. I have to simply keep struggling to try and navigate as best possible this new normal - whatever that is. Not for the faint of heart. At least here, we are all in this together.
Went to look at an apartment in a senior complex today that has subsidized rent. We qualify right now but when I take early SS the rent will go up. If we want to move it has to be before I do that or else our income is too high. Problem is the place is on a busy street and not where I really want to be. It is quiet inside. It is a 1 bedroom but seems so big compared to what I have lived in the last 10 years. We visited another complex but they have no openings right now. It is quieter outside and has a walking path behind it. I am waiting to hear from a place near where we are - they are 1 bedroom duplexes.
Had my 3 month checkup and I am all healed, released to do and lift whatever! I am still going to make hb life heavy things, carry laundry and bags and open doors!! He said I could try switching to a different antidepressant that might help with hot flashes, but I have lost 24 pounds mainly since the first of March when I went on the Wellbutrin and don't want to risk taking something that is known to cause weight gain. I know 24 is not much compared to the 100 I still need to loose, but I will take what I can get. I have done it by eating fruits, veggies, protein and low carbs. I go in on the 8th for a contrast CT scan to make sure no cancer is hiding in there. I choose the berry contrast drink since I don't like mocha! Then 3 month checkups.
Charlotte,I don't know how they figure the rent where you are.but here in PA it is refigured each year according to income and medical expenses.I oversee a woman in her 90's and they review her r ent each year,also her food stamps and checking amt.
Charlotte, great news on the weight loss. That is a lot of weight, even if you don't think it is compared to what you would like to lose, but think of it this way - you are 20% of the way along your goal - before you know it you will be 50% of the way. And I am glad the check up went well. I still feel it when I lift things that are too heavy (gall bladder surgery at end of April) and my dH is too frail to do the heavy lifting for me. He would like to do it, but the risk of him falling is too great. So either I do it, or I have to wait until someone is around who can lift the heavy stuff for me. Speaking of which, my DS is coming to spend the weekend with us - I am so looking forward to having him around to share the care giving duties!
24 pounds is a great start. You didn't get to the size you are over night and it will take some time. Remember your goal and take small steps to get there and it will happen. Wishing you determination and some luck.
I am 5'3" and now at 245. The only clothes that fit different are my bra and blouse. Guess it is booby weight lost!! I may notice it more later as I still think I have the famous 'swelly belly'. But then, most of my pants are elastic so I may not notice them. I do have one pair of shorts with elastic in the back and string in the front. I did have to tighten them a little cause they were falling down - so maybe I have noticed a difference.
You are right. I was 220 when he was diagnosed and went to 250 within months it seems, then a few more after I quit working 4/13. Now if I could just get these 'power surges' under control!!!
Charlotte, Good for you on the weight loss. My mom lives in a senior complex that is subsidized. And it is a very nice place. The last few times I have visited her some of the new people have asked what floor do I live on. I have joked through the years that I am going to get an apartment next to her. I really like the place. I hope you find what you want.
Well tonight I am going to be truly alone. DD was marred last weekend. It was a beautiful wedding. And this morning her and new SIL leave for NM. I will be really alone for the first time in my life. I went from living with my parents to married to back with my parents to remarried. I am as ready as I ever will be. I am ok with the concept, but know rough seas are ahead from time to time. I still have not had a good cry. Every time it starts someone or something makes me stop. I feel it just under the surface and almost lost it at a drive through the other day. Need to let it out at some point. Years of pain and bitterness that I need to unload and let go. I am ready to start my new life and move forward. I have two new grand babies, a girl and a boy. (Number 11 and 12)Three weeks apart and they need my time now. Have bibs to make and visits to plan.
I was thinking the other day, all I ever wanted to be in life was a wife and mother. Now they are both gone. So I have to find the new me. God willing I will give it my best try.