I found a bunch of bills under the other papers on his desk. He accused his best friend of stealing from him. He accused me of having an affair with our young real estate agent. He was difficult and unpleasant in the extreme. Not that he wasn't always difficult, because he was. But he had begun to be someone I didn't want to be around and someone, that no matter what I did, could not please in any way. The first couple of years, before he was diagnosed with Alzheimers, I was frightened and worried. No one, not even my sister or my sons, believed there was much wrong with my Rich. He was destroying the financial stability we had built up over 32 years and I had no clue at all as to what was wrong with him. My entire family was telling me 'he's just depressed, get him to retire and he'll be better'. We eventually forced him to retire as his business involved counselling people and he sure wasn't any good at that anymore. When he did retire I discovered that he hadn't had any clients for months and months and was therefore going to be taking some debt for the business with him. It took me a few years to get our finances under control. Needless to say after 6 years he has next to no short term memory but continues to remember the things he wants to in the past. He spends most of his time in his bedroom, either asleep in his bed or asleep on his rocking chair. He still drives as he continues to pass his tests and his doctor approves. He only drives a couple of blocks to get coffee anyway. He is still argumentative and tries to be controlling, even though he's on all the right meds. My sons, even though we moved closer to them a couple of years ago, don't help much. I guess that's because my husband can be unpleasant. I'll never get used to the way he is; the person I live with. It's like living with the body of a man I used to care about but he isn't there. The soul I used to laugh with, cry with, get help from, share everything with, is gone. It's sure a terrible thing having to live through this, both for him and for me, and for our adult sons. One has to put one's life on hold, maybe forever. I am 12 years younger than Rich and there are days I resent him, days I hate him, days I feel guilty, but mostly there's just this sadness that can overwhelm me. And yet I know this is my life, there is no choice about this.
Shreddie Welcome. Sorry that you have to be here. Everything you wrote could be me. I am 9 years younger than DH. We have been married 30 years. All your emotions are mine too. This is a great place to find comfort, answers, vent.
Welcome Shreddie. I too can relate to much of what you wrote, our journey was similar in the beginning. We're now officially beginning the 7th year of this terrible journey. Glad you found us, we're hear to support in any way we can.
Hello, Shreddie. Yes, a lot of all-too-familiar threads running through your post. You will find, I think, that this is the one place where people "get it" and can offer real support. Most family, "friends", and well-meaning professionals don't really have a clue.
Welcome Shreddie, I had the exact same emotions you describe, resentment, hate and tons of guilt. I not only hated the person that he had become, I hated the person I was becoming because of the disease, which is why I placed him in assisted living a year ago. I am entering the 6th year since being diagnosed but noticed symptoms 2 years before that. Life somehow goes on 1 day at a time. I was the one making the decision for him to stop driving rather than allowing him to "pass the tests". It actually went very well but I know for some driving can be a huge issue. God bless.
Ditto for me Shreddie, including the 12 year age difference. I am trying to move my life forward, instead of falling into the trap of putting everything on hold because of my DH and his dementia, but I found that was when I really resented him. Its difficult, but I am learning to no longer feel guilty when I go and do something for myself. My DH's AD will NOT take two victims!
We are all so sorry you have to join us here but with the circumstances you are dealing with, this is the very best place to be. Our foundress, Joan, is our saving grace as she has been and is still contending with this disease. She or her admin will be along to welcome you to this family.
It is truly the best place to find support for all the challenges caregivers face. Your description of your situation is so similar to many and they will be along to help with ideas. And you are not alone in your reaction to your LO, all the various emotions you presented. Remember, we are human too..but our needs and wants and desires do get put on hold. The one piece of advice you will see often it TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, GET SOME REST AND RESPITE. You will need it.
I would offer one thing too, as hard and maybe even unnecessary as it may see, right now. Take time to investigate ALF facilities and nursing homes, learn the costs etc and find out about waiting lists. Sometimes circumstances present where the LO needs placement and it is hard to get in if not on a waiting list.
The other thing, which you may have done, is consult an eldercare attorney about medical benefits, medicaid if you need it or VA if he is a vet..
You will find great support here...and feel free to vent..no one sits in judgement of anyone here. Really the only forbidden topics here are politics and religion.
I could have wrote what you said. The bad days are bad and then some good days pop in there to make things bearable. Something I have found, with this disease that things NEVER stay the same. So something that is driving you batty today can be totally gone tomorrow. Another new behaviour will emerge and can only hope its not as bad as the one before. My husband has very few words left, but when he does get angry, Im not really sure what its about....and he likely has no reason. Learn not to take things personally (I know its hard) My husband is next up on the wait list for long term care and Im ready. Some days guilty but I know its time. I don't want to go down with the ship and I am slowly sinking.