In my last posting I talked about transferring DH to a LTC in Alberta. I was doing this not for him but for me. He is well cared for but I'm the one that now needs not only physical care but I need time and attention. My health has deteriorated and after the "sh"t" and abuse I got when DH was home I am I just need someone to show some love and concern for me. I have a deteriorated disc and I am told sometime in the near past , I had a heart attack. Tomorrow I find out when and then I can find out why I wasn't told or treated. I thought I was getting depressed but not that one just sheer lonesomeness. As I said I thought I would find that back out west but not going to happen. They have decided to fly here for two months two or three times a year. I just need someone to go for coffee with a couple of times a week and maybe lunch out or a shopping day. I just don't know what part of this they don't get. They are all willing to ,now that he is in LTC to take courses to care for him. Little late. They make plans with me then cancel because their wife has accepted a dinner engagement with friends. Maybe we can do this with you another time. Holidays are maybe we can go to dinner the week before Christmas because we are having wife's family. I have tried to figure out what I did to warrant this treatment. If they needed money or babysitters or just an ear I was always there. Maybe I did to much. The money is all gone to care for DH and the kids are grown up. I live on very little. Makes you wonder doesn't it. I have put my house up for sale because I just can't take care of it and I don't know anyone here and will be looking for a condo close to DH. All if this is taking it's toll in both if us. He us very worried about me but has no idea how to help. He realizes I have something wrong health wise but doesn't know what.
Yeah, families will do you in. I've realized, too, that making my big move to be closer to family was probably not in my own best interests. I think I had to try, but now know that the only person who is really interested in my welfare is me, and DH in his demented way. Like you, I probably gave the kids too much too soon. In retrospect, I probably should have left the workforce but stayed in our old house in NY for a couple more years, just enjoying the life as much as possible within the AD limitations. I shot myself in the foot coming down here for "help" and "family", and basically finding that they wanted an indentured servant. (We have worked out some of the issues, but setting boundaries and enforcing them is a constant issue.) You and I have some similar issues, Jazzy. We have to find meaningful new friends, contacts, and relationships somehow, when tied down by caregiving, and dealing with the typical Alz. spouse isolation that only those on these boards seem to understand. My health is not the issue that yours is, but I have enough aches and pains to realize that the writing is on the wall, and that when and if DH ever dies, I will probably not be physically able (or even want to) do some of the activities that I wanted to do before. (When I was in my forties and fifties I always wondered why older people didn't just exercise and keep themselves in shape. Well, now I know. Because it hurts, that's why.) But anyway, right now I spend a lot of time on the Internet, on a couple discussion boards that I like--not just AD stuff--and read a lot. I never was a TV watcher, but now find that on my Amazon Prime Instant Video there are a lot of good shows and movies (who knew?) that I am catching up on. And I work on my music to some extent (harp and piano), but only for pleasure…not to try to be "good"…it's just for me. I don't have a good answer. Like you, I watch family doing all the fun things that families do, and I am for the most part left out, because I'm tied down with DH. And visiting here at my house would not be an unalloyed pleasure for people, because life basically revolves around taking him to the toilet, or having to exit stage left to another room because he suddenly wants the urinal. I spend some time daydreaming about what I'm going to do when he finally dies, assuming he goes first. I may or may not go back to NY, but if I do, I think I will just rent something, and not be bothered owning a place. And I think I will take some tours of places I want to go to, and maybe get to know people in the tour group. And get back to church, of course. And maybe join the Y, or some kind of interesting club. These are all no-brainers, I suppose, but it just shows how AD ties us down, that we can't do these simple things. Good thing we can connect and support each other online, and that's what I'm trying to do here. I'm on the screened porch having morning coffee, and Jazzy, I wish I could pour you a cup and sit and visit for real. Hang in there--families come and go, but AD lasts forever! (Black humor--sorry.) Hugs (((jazzy)))
Jazzy, I’m so sorry you have to go through this but I’m not too surprised. There is a saying that “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” In the short time I’ve been on this site, you’ve said that your sons have not been very helpful and that when you lived out west you didn’t see them very much. Although this is a big disappointment, it would be much worse if you moved all the way to Alberta and your sons ignored you. Just look what happened to elizabeth.
Will your daughter be helping you look for a condo in Ontario? Maybe you can find one that has some community activities or is near your city’s Senior Center. You have been through so much that it would be nice to have a place to go, even to see a movie. Maybe even a bus trip if you felt up to it.