DH came home at 10:30 this morning after my five days of respite through Hospice. It was great for me, but he came home noticeably thinner, with a blue-gray color to his face, disoriented and talking gibberish, and with one open area on his back, and another red, abraded-looking area on his back that is ready to break down.He clearly did not know me. And he was in the best facility in the area--the one all staff had recommended! Do they not feed them? Do they not get them out of bed? Honestly, I am just fit to be tied. I cannot…physically and mentally cannot…take care of him at home without the occasional respite.I cannot tell you what it meant to sleep all night, take long baths, take long walks whenever I wanted, and last but not least, visit my mother's grave for the first time since her funeral in January. I took a half-day trip to visit my widowed step-dad (DH's age, and going downhill fast), and took most of another day to drive over to PA and visit a historic French and Indian war site called Fort Ligonier. Very interesting. There is more to life than urinals and poop. But if DH is going to come home in this condition, I just don't know if I should take my respite days the next time.
Later in the afternoon he did know who I was, and we hugged and cuddled on the couch together. It was like hugging a skinny little stick, but hey…he is still him, sort of, and I truthfully couldn't tell you the last time we snuggled. It was weirdly cosy and nice.
Don't you talk yourself out of these respites. You can talk to the staff that recommended this place and you can talk to the place he was at and find out calmly why he was noticeably thinner and then figure something out.
As I always told my cats, everybody's got to give a little. Actually I tell them to get a job or pick up a mop but nobody listens to me around here and there is only me so...
Don't give up on it Elizabeth and try not to react inside too much. You can make this work.
It may not have been the NH, my DH near the end, took several steep declines here at home with me taking care of him. And the blue gray color makes me think it was a decline.
Sending hugs, and make sure to keep taking your respites. I never did and was sorry later that I did not. We can't do it all. But you know we caregivers tend to be hard headed : )
Talk to the staff. It might be progress of the disease. It might be his reaction to change in environment. It is not necessary any lack of care. I can't say.
Thanks, everybody. But as a nurse myself, I have to say that there is no excuse for an open area (i.e. decubitus, or bedsore) after five days in a nursing home. That is neglect and is not consistent with normal standards of care. There is no excuse. And they better not tell me they are short-staffed. Everybody is short-staffed.
Elizabeth, I am not a nurse but that still screams neglect to me. I would be asking questions (and taking photos.) Hope that you will not have to give up on the respite as it may save you in the long term!
Elizabeth, I can understand your hesitation in taking more respite when your LO comes home, dazed, confused, thinner, and with bed sores. My DH always comes home more confused after a respite stay in the NH, but he improves again after a few days at home. And he doesn't care for the food there as much as he likes my cooking either, so he usually loses a bit of weight.
There is no excuse for the bed sores though, so raising your concerns with the staff is probably the best approach.