I need a place to vent so I came here. As you know we've had a live-in aide for 5.5 years now and although the first year was a difficult adjustment for all of us, it generally works (but not without a major bump or 2 periodically). Well this is one of those major bumps in the road and I want to scream.
The regular aide is on vacation for 10 days with a return date of tomorrow. He's had 10 days to do his "fun" stuff and any important personal stuff. Today I get a call telling me he can't return tomorrow because his niece is having a meltdown and no longer wants to stay where she's living and he needs to get her out of there tomorrow. The substitute is from a different agency than the regular aide and I have no idea if he can stay another day or not, but since the regular aide has an "emergency" at least 50% of the time he takes off preventing him from returning the designated date of return, I tell him "no" he has to return tomorrow. I ask why it has to be tomorrow, why can't he resolve the issue today if it's an emergency? And if it's not an emergency, why can't he take care of it when he's off at the end of July? I get no real answer and he threatens to quit. I ask him if there's not an interim solution that can be worked out until he's off again in 3 weeks. No there's not and he's going to take Monday off no matter what. He then calls the substitute to find out if he can stay until Tuesday and the substitute tells him he cannot because he's going to another job Monday morning.
Now I know I seem heartless but after 5.5 years I know this man's pattern. While he's off, he does not take care of any personal matters until the day before or the day he's supposed to return and calls in for "emergency" time off. His agency almost always grants the additional time and has the caregiver stay. However since I'm using a different agency for substitutes, they will not grant the extra time for their aide to stay. And "emergencies" in the past have been having a car fixed on Monday morning (when it could have been fixed on Friday and it was driveable), not wanting to leave the girlfriend, going to stand in line at the Medicaid office because he missed the appointment they made for him 3 months earlier (altho he had at least 15 days vacation from the time of notice) and now they're threatening to suspend the Medicaid. And the niece spent the 4th with him and there was no problem mentioned until today now that she's 2 hours away.
All this after the substitute aide told me I had to accept my husband's dementia and to stop treating him like a normal person,that he was the professional and I knew nothing about handling a dementia patient, refused to get up to assist DH in the bathroom to urinate when I called him saying to me"he's not doing anything anyway in there", refused to speak to me for 3 days, advised me that DH should be on Haldol for his sundowning and accused me of not treating his agitation and allowing it to escalate (all DH's meds are for agitation), refused to take him for a walk because "it's not on the care plan and I can only do what's on the care plan (BTW, it's on there at least twice) and it's not safe". I could go on and on but won't.
WOW! I considered getting in live-in help,even went as far as to build on an addition.My Dr. advised me not to,to consider a NH. as I would soon need more help than one person. I am glad I listened to her.DH is very happy in NH,has a lot more attention than if he was home.It's so expensive but hopefully Medicaid will kick in when I run out of money in a few years.My good neighbors tell me they won't let me go hungry.I just hope my health holds up.LFL,I think I would be pulling my hair out if I was you.How do you do it?Good luck!!!
Unfortunately, the catch-all term for this is: "The realities of home care." It is everywhere, LFL. Feel free to vent--I'm sure that any of us who have worked with home care plans can relate. Big time.
"Heartless" is not even on any list of words I would use to describe you! To the contrary. My short list is intelligent, perceptive, generous and compassionate.
I don't know where the planets, moon and stars are aligned. I don't know what G-d is contemplating. But I know that the last few days have been difficult for many.
I know the exasperation, disappointment and frustration from hospitals, rehab and ALF. The closest I had to home care is a care manager and that was no recommendation in itself. The aide seems immature and that's mild.
I'm so sorry. All I can do is send you every blessing, prayer and wish. You don't deserve this ****.
Almost everyone seems to think that having an aide is the perfect solution. But that has not been my experience with them. After several years of aides coming regularly, we've done without one now for nearly a year. I find it much more peaceful to not have a series of strangers that we both have to get used to. With most of our aides, I felt more like we were working for them than that they were working for us. We did have a couple of really good people who stayed with us for a year or two each, but the in-between people were really hard to deal with. And we also had some who were very free with their "advice" on how I should deal with everything, like the one you had. For some reason, it still shocks me speechless when someone who has spent a total of a few days with DH wants to tell me how they know more than I do, after more than a decade of caring for him.
I wish I had a good solution for you. Unfortunately, it appears that your aide has decided that reliability is not a requirement of his job. Maybe the agency would be willing to find you a more reliable person. After all, you are a very good customer for them, and a significant source of income. In this situation, like so many others, money does talk.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.
LFL, I've just gone through a similar situation. I came home from a 3-week hospital stay with guaranteed care aides in place because of my fractured pelvis only to get a phone call from the agency 1 hour before the 1st aide was to arrive and told they didn't have anyone who could come. It was a Friday and no hope of getting an aide from another agency. And so it went: in one week, 3 aides turned up from the agency, all of them poor. ( For example, one broke the toilet seat, which took me a week to get a plumber to fix.) Try perching over a toilet with no seat when you have a broken pelvis - I finally set a basin in, and that had its own problems. I phoned our community health care centre, and they gave me the name of an agency that they recommended. But by this time, I had learned how to cope on my own and never did phone them. Instead, I phoned a good cleaning woman (I'd had her before) to come in a couple of hours a week to change my bed and vacuum up the large lumps. So I'm suggesting that you try your local health unit and another agency, hopefully an agency that has a good track record, and forget the others. Have you tried to talk to the owner of the agency? I learned after this experience that the agency who tied me up had been sold and was now a franchise. Best of luck.
Thank you all dear friends for your support, I needed it badly! Abby*, thank you for the kind words.
JanK , I called to complain to the OWNER (not a franchise) of the agency about the unqualified aides they were sending as substitutes and he admitted that "we're scraping the bottom of the barrel to find a male caregiver to substitute." When I asked him why didn't they at least tell me the subs they were sending were marginally qualified (I was being kind) his reply was "If I told you, would you accept them?". That's why I'm using another agency to provide subs.
Mary75, during that same conversation with the owner, I reminded him that I have been with them for 5.5 years and that every Thursday they charge my credit card without fail and they never have to wait for payment. Then I told him that I was looking at other agencies to provide subs and each and every agency was willing to because they want the full account and they were willing to do about anything to please me. His response was "We'd hate to lose you, but if you feel you want to leave for another agency, there's not much I can do." REALLY?????? How about lowering my rate, offering me a substitute without charge for 1 day, etc. I have a lot of customer service background and you always make every effort to retain a good paying customer, you just don't say okay, goodbye.
The agency I'm using for this substitute seemed like they would be responsive and good and they told me this aide was one of their best. Oh well, I guess I have to just keep looking. I hate this and it's only going to get worse with the new labor laws on domestic workers wages which is effective in January 2015. I'll have the privilege of paying more for substandard care.
The world does seem to be out of kilter at the moment: poor service, incompetent help, rudeness and money flying out of the window for it all. Prayers and love being sent your way.
I have been dealing with this nightmare for the last five years. I tell you I could write a book when all this is finally over but it would probably be labeled "fiction" b/c no one believes the poor quality of the persons hired to care for the sick and lame!!!!!!!