Vickie such good news about your house selling and moving on as you noted. I too am glad you will stay connected with us. Indeed, "what would we do without each other!"
I was struck Wolf by family being in town and not including you. The comment "...and you can be sure that society approves of this sort of treatment of Alzheimer's spouses" so resonated with me. I had no idea that kind of treatment went along with this disease until I began living it.
My best friend suddenly was out of the picture about a year ago. We used to do so much together and I thought we were so close. We did things as couples as well. She just had her 65th and her husband put on a huge full weekend birthday celebration. I was not invited. The only reason I knew about it is because she posted lots on face book.
I know she got tired of my focus on my husband's disease however after he went into care, clearly I was not well. I needed help and support and the only place I got it was here. I guess what I am trying to say is how did I so miss what was really going on? How can it be that friends leave spouses of Alzheimer people? AND, how as a society is this "secret" as I call it, because I had no idea, tolerated?
The sad part is I mentioned in another thread I do not have another dementia journey in me. So would I be a friend that abandons someone because I can't do this again... At least I would inform her/him instead of just quietly slipping away and not be willing to talk about it.
DH's brother comes to our town (1.5 hours from his home) to watch his step-grandson play in a baseball league several times a summer but never called until this year. We got the call with a statement "we'll all be over after the game". My response was I'd send DH and the aide to the baseball park to meet them. First time since February 2012 he's called or wanted to visit with his brother. Hell will freeze over before the brother's allowed in my home.
Alzheimer's claimed another victim today but in the same breath she escaped the grip of Alzheimer's. Art's sister died today. I did decide to tell him after we got home. He understands, is trying to contact his niece but confused on that. She doesn't answer her phone and he won't leave a message. Tonight will be long as he processes it and hopefully tomorrow when he wakes up will have forgotten.
We went to the VA in Walla Walla to transfer him to the VA in this area. I am tired and sore - not use to that driving. And I know by my own making tonight will be stressful. Oh well. I just decided if it were me and I was still aware as much as he is I would want to know.
Charlotte, I struggle with the same problem when someone close to my DH dies - do I tell him or not? Sometimes I wait days before I give him the news, so that I can pick what I think is the best time (frame of mind?) for him to absorb the news. Sometimes I have delayed, and it has backfired in that he has heard from someone else and wonders why I didn't tell him. This state of sometimes being aware, and sometimes being unaware is so difficult, because we are left to guess what state our LO's are in, and act accordingly.
Wolf, I am bothered by your niece and her children coming so far to see Diane and not making an effort to see you as well. But I guess I should not be surprised. My brother and his wife often visit my sister (15 minutes away) and I hear about it months later. I haven't seen my brother in two years. You were the one who posted about how some people cannot travel our entire journey with us, so I guess your niece and her girls fall into that category. I don't remember what thread it was on, but I know at the time that your explanation of behavior and your attitude towards friends/family that fall by the wayside on our journey helped to cheer me, because it put a positive spin on what is such a negative aspect of this disease. But I don't feel that way today. Today I would like to chuck it all in and tell all of the friends and family that have deserted us exactly what I think of them. But I won't. Can't. Tomorrow is another day.
And I read this tonight, and it helps: "You know you are on the right track when you become uninterested in looking back"
I like looking back. The truth is I loved the relationships I had and because they couldn't deal with it doesn't sour those times. I took in my MIL the last year of her life and I took in this same nephew to live with us instead of a hotel for months. I think he's become self absorbed and has lost his way and I told him that. I know exactly what it is. His mother is dying at 81 and he can't deal with it at all and on that night I said things he didn't want to hear. His wife and daughters love me. So does he. I know that.
I could patch things up by passing his tests and perhaps barking and eating a bug but I won't bow and he could patch things up by perhaps barking and eating a bug but he won't bow either. We have each been hurt badly by the other in two worlds that barely intersect in their seperated realities.
The same goes for my x-friends. We had 30+ years of continuous good times that were rich and vibrant in every way. Then the sun touched them and they turned into stones. I have no trouble straddling those happy memories with the knowledge things didn't work out for them hiding from bad news where their happy foursome idea fell down when one of the women died of cancer a few months ago (she was my favourite of all and that stung when she turned her back I can promise you). At the same time no greater price can be paid by anyone for anything and so I've come to let them be.
I believe what you said at the end and I hurt someone here two years ago saying I was going to get past Dianne. I don't understand what anyone means though if that's not necessary. My every day is filled with learning how to enjoy my time past the time that Dianne and I had together. She's had yet another stroke and its a miracle she's still eating solid food fed to her where we talked over a year ago about possibly going to a puree diet. I said no.
I accept her death coming and I accept my role as her partner. And I will move past her even as I love her the rest of my life. I don't believe in any afterlife but I talk to all the departed nevertheless. When I do something I learned from someone I remember them and I remember the stories and the moments because they are the chapters of the life I have led so far. I could have made the things of my past my focus for the future. I said no.
So I get up and make my coffee and remember Coco and Mary and my own Dianne and once again those dread feelings I know so well settle around me. I spend most days in those feelings which would be nice to discard but are the truth of my life where the realities of what I've been through and what it has undeniably done to me are not a problem to be ignored or lived with and yet where I am a stretched out traveller with almost three years of trying to feel better step by step under my belt and no real plan or knowledge how this is done so it remains real.
And just beside my monitor I see the branch right outside my 2nd story window moving. It is a blue jay. Not just a blue jay but one I fed in the spring. I know that and he knows that because with very little repitition he's sitting right outside my window looking in. He knows how this works. I put my open palm up towards the window so he can see I got the information and at that instant he flips around waiting.
This blue jay you see not only knows peanuts will be flinging out that other window down there in a minute, he remembered how this works. And when I see the peanuts hit the ground he's already swooping down, lifts a couple and takes off with the one he wants.
It's then when the other five young jays also swoop down I understand who's teaching who.
Seeing there are six jays I grab a real handful of peanuts and throw them out too. That was about ten minutes ago. They took all the peanuts and left. The parent jay knows once peanuts fling out of that window, no more peanuts fling out of it. So he doesn't bother and goes to the next target.
She/he'll be back tomorrow or within a few days I expect. Now where was I? Oh yes, I have no life except this dread where the dread is steadily shrinking and one day my wife will pass and that meaning will be gone too.
And then all I will have left is her strange family, my strange family, my house, my car, my friends, my neighbours, my cats, my garden, the tomato plants, the sunshine, the birds chirping, the breeze flowing through the house, chinese food, icecream, pie, honey buns, swimming, reading, watching movies, this board, following my Toronto Raptor basketball team, the farmers market, reading the paper, reading my magazines, cooking, smoking, walking, going for drives, new clothes, more and more pots of good strong coffee, playing computer games, watching who gets elected and starts ruining the country, my feelings, my thoughts, my paintings, sleeping in my bed, laughing at something, laughing with someone, smiling once in a while at all the things I used to have now that I have nothing.
Give up? You've got to be kidding. Not going to happen.