This may seem immature and self-centered but I really felt bad because my wife, in her dementia care facility, has never smiled at me- today was particularly painful. Here's some background. She's been in this place for 9 months. I only saw her smile once about 5 months ago "talking' with another resident. I had no reaction to that.
My sister-in-law was up this weekend and spent a lot of time with my wife, she hadn't seen her in over 4 mos. The caregiver told me that she smiled a lot and was talkative. No problem for me- I know that she was VERY close to her sister and I'm happy that she got a smile.
But, a new male caregiver manager, came into my wife's room today (he's been there about 2 weeks), he said "hello Pat", she gave him a big smile. I didn't react while I was there for another 30 minutes, but as I was driving home, I realized that I was jealous- a smile would have meant a lot to me, and here's a relative stranger, and he gets a smile and some dialogue with my wife. I guess I'm really hurt, but how can you get mad at an AD patient. I wonder why he got the smile and I've never gotten one to my face for over 18 months or so.
PS- I often have a neutral expression on my face, but today in particular I tried forcing a smile after the caregiver manager left my wife's room. It was not to be had.
It is not immature or self centered. You are a very significant person in her life. You have feelings. And you feel hurt. I am sorry that this disease has taken even the most simple and sweet expressions, from her to you, away. ((Hugs))
I can understand, I was the "nice lady" to my DH for several years. DH did not know who his children were, not even our youngest who still lived with us. Well two years before his passing, our new SIL came into our life. DH remembered him by name. Even after the deployment, and even the week before he passed. Not a clue about me or his five children.
we have said it here before that they can become very self centered and egotistical during this disease.sometimes its just all about them and we are let by the wayside. its very sad watchful that you have to see it first hand and not be on the receiving end . we will never know what they are thinking with this disease ravaging the brain. there are many things about this disease that are painful for all parties. divvi
Watchful. .....I don't post often here, but your story of no smiles rings a bell with me and I feel like I have something to say to you. .....For her last two years, my wife never smiled at me except when she recognized me as someone else. I'm thinking that your wife does not recognize you as her loving husband. .....Below is part of a post that I offered a few years ago. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ..... She recognized me as two different Georges. Sometimes I was the Real George and sometimes I was the Other George. In the evenings we would sit on the sofa holding hands, watching the TV, and she would ask me things like "What is your name?" and I would tell her "My name is George". Then she would say "You're not George" and I would tell her "I'm the other George" and that would satisfy her. Then sometimes she would ask "Where's George?", and I would say "They called him and he went down to FDS".(FDS was the place I used to work) Sometimes she would ask "Are you married? Do you have a family? Do you have a car?" and I would always give her an appropriate answer that she would be content with. With me playing the part of the Other George, we could spend a fairly nice evening together. .....When we were playing around in bed at night, she would say things like "I'm not supposed to be sleeping with you". and "I hope George doesn't find out about us". And sometimes she would tell me about fun things she and George did together. At times, she would be very hostile and I would have to use force to bathe her, to get her dressed, to get her to sit down and eat, or to get her to sit on the toilet and at those times, I was the Real George. Sometimes she would tell the Other George that the Real George was mean to her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ...After years of me forcing her to do things she didn't want to do, It's only reasonable that she would hate the Real George and never smile for him. .....Now Watchful, I'm thinking that you're going through a similar experience. If your dear wife won't smile for you as her loving husband, maybe she would smile for you as a stranger. You could wear a fake mustache and a cowboy hat and introduce yourself as the Other Watchful and see if that might bring a smile to her pretty face. .............................................................Your AlzSpouse Friend, The Other George
It's difficult to accept that the person we knew in great detail isn't in there the way they were. The personality itself is going which is the cumulation of the remembered and accessable ideas and beliefs and memories of the things and associations that shapes who we are. As access to memories is destroyed randomly depending on where the plaque sets in, the nuances that make up that person are also increasingly cut off randomly.
It still hurts us when we understand. Dementia is tragedy in our lives. It's unimaginable to not feel the pain of it.
I would ask you what your wife would have done before the disease. Would she have focused on Mr Manager and his "Hi Pat" and ignored you? Well she's not now either.
My wife loved me and she married me and she shared her life and time with me - not some twit in a care center. If dingle berry there can get your wife to smile thank him. She's probably confused and thinks she's talking to you. You know, the guy she went to bed with every night because she chose you when she had that ability free and clear.
Wolf, That is one of the most sensible things I have seen written about this disease:
"My wife loved me and she married me and she shared her life and time with me . . . the guy she went to bed with every night because she chose [me] when she had that ability free and clear."
Watchful my DH has been in LTC for over three years now and has only spoken gibberish. In the past six months he has said about five or six words that I could understand. All were either "yes" or "sure" in answering a question that I had asked. He shows no emotion to me whatsoever but during this past Sunday's visit an CNA came by, patted him on the shoulder and said "Hey, Dennis the Menace". He chuckled out loud and his eyes lit up. I was shocked at his reaction but extremely happy that for that fleeting moment he seemed happy. It thrills me when anyone is kind to him even if he never shows any sign of emotion to me. I have given up on trying to figure out this ALZ. I just want everyone to treat him with kindness because he was a wonderful fellow in his pre ALZ world and deserves it. If anyone can make him happy I will be happy too.
I have been having similar problems lately. My wife is in a memory facility. I see her every day and help her with meals, take her for walks or rides in the van, etc. But when I come to see her, the most I will get is a brief, small smile, often no recognition at all. But when I ask one of the staff to help me get her up, she gives them a big smile and leans toward them. I know how much this can hurt. All I can do is realize that it is the disease.
DH did this, too, the last month before his death. He never responded to me in any way - but would respond with a smile or a 'thank you' to an aide or other people. It does hurt, but like marsh, I just tried to realize that it is the disease.
I seem to be just another one in the long line. DH barely acknowledges me except when he wants to go to the toilet…but he is Mr. Charm to all his aides, and also to our son-in-law, who frequently comes over to put him to bed. After the happiest and closest of marriages, yes it hurts a lot. It's the Alzheimers, and I don't begrudge him some happy interactions--just wish they were with me sometimes.
I saw my wife today and decided on a new approach. I asked her private caregiver to leave the room for 20 minutes, and I started talking to my wife about my experiences that she could relate to in the past month or so. Sometimes I referred to things that we did. Today was a special day in that exactly 10 years ago was our first date and I described the events of that day. She seemed to be interested and even gave a little smile one or two times. My therapist suggested this approach. Now I could kick myself for now doing this over the past 9 months when I went to visit her, but I didn't know about it.
PS- thanks for all your comments; they were helpful
watchful7, don't berate yourself for something you didn't know. I'm glad that you've found a new way to interact with your wife when you visit. Also, by sharing this new approach, you've also helped me see a new way to connect with my DH when I visit and for that I thank you!
I found this discussion quite interesting because I have been experiencing something similar. When I visit Sid, he always says that he is happy to see me, but he basically just stares at me. He has nothing to say, but there is a spark of his old, sociable, sarcastic self when he is with a familiar aide. I have been hurt and confused by it, but this thread has allowed me to see that it might be "normal" (whatever that is) behavior for spouses in LTC.