I am struggling through the difficulties of dual caregiving. My 67 year old husband is late stage 5 with spatial vision and balance issues in addition to severe memory problems, and my mother will soon be 98 and moves slowly with a walker. She has almost no ability to hear.
The current challenge is moving my frail mother to assisted living - something that should have happened several years ago. She is hard of hearing, and I see the beginning of age related dementia. As an only child, I am her arranger, packer, etc. She lives 45 minutes away, so everyday husband and I journey to her apartment of 25 years to continue packing. In the past week, he has managed to get lost in her building while walking to the trash chute, and the one package I asked him to take to the car has disappeared, never to be seen again.
Our son, who lives 1200 miles away, was here for the weekend. I had thought we did fairly well. We succeeded in dining out with only two spills. No bathroom accidents, choking, falls, wandering, etc. Neither mother or husband could read the menu, but I ordered for them. My mother only had one meltdown, and that was after my cousin called to say she and her daughters were coming to visit. I then had to call and tell them not to come, to wait until after my mother moves.
Husband babbled on and on and on about anything and everything. Finally our son looked at me when husband was out of the room and said, “I truly do not know how you are not seriously medicated!” So much for trying for normalcy when it just does not exist!
I wish I could offer something more than "hang in there". I cared for my dh and my then 89 year old sister. It seemed one or the other had a doctor's appointment every week. Now my journey with dh has ended but still looking after sister now almost 93 and in ALF. Just try to look after yourself - I know I was told the same thing and it' sometimes seems impossible but who will take your place if you're sick. It is a tough road. understanding and hugs from me.
I cannot imagine how you can care for two. Trying to attend to DH while taking care of packing and moving your Mom Must be more than challenging....impossible! It sounds like your DH needs 24/7 supervision as evidenced by his getting lost in building.
I know easier said than done but YOU NEED HELP! Is there any means of help you can consider...in home help, day program, friends, family , church....?
I also cannot imagine caring for 2 people without any help. May god bless you....I just can't imagine the stress you must feel and then having to pack and move your mother on top of it all!
I know you don't need another thing to do but I agree with Lorrie, you need some help. Have you called the local Area Office on Aging to see what services might be available to you or your mother? All you have to do is google it with your county and state and the telephone umber should come up. They always try to find available resources for people who need them and at 98 your mother should certainly qualify.
Good luck with the move and caring for your mother and husband.
Been there, done that. I never knew stress and exhaustion like that which comes from dual caregiving. For 2 ½ years, my father (in his 90’s at the time) lived in the Assisted Living Facility that is next door to my Independent Villa. Both my father and husband were in wheelchairs, and my back is in its current debilitated condition due to pushing, pulling, and lifting two men and two wheelchairs. When one didn’t have a doctor’s appointment, the other one did. As soon as I sat down at night from a long day of hands on caregiving for my husband, the phone would ring – it was my father needing something. I finally gave up the wheelchair brigade as much as possible by having the facility staff take husband and/or father to doctor appointments in the wheelchair van.
You simply cannot do this by yourself. I don’t know about your finances, but if at all possible, I urge you to hire people to help with the packing and moving. A lot of times, if you put the word out, church members will volunteer to help. If your husband is a veteran, there is a program of vets helping vets. Volunteer veterans will come out and help with house chores, packing, moving. Once your mother is settled in the AL, please allow the staff to do everything they are paid and trained to do, including taking her to doctor appointments. You can go along for the ride, but you won’t have to do anything physical.
It also sounds as if it may be time for you to look into placement for your husband. I can tell you, also from experience, that we all wait too long for that difficult step. By the time I placed Sid last August, I had not one ounce of strength – mental, physical, or emotional – left to give. I was on the verge of collapse.
Dual caregiving is more common than you may think, and it is a seriously unhealthy situation for the caregiver. Look everywhere for as much help as you can get – Alzheimer’s Association, church, veterans (if applicable), relatives, friends, Department of Elder Affairs.
There is some sad humor in that my husband keeps telling me how badly my mother is failing. He's far worse mentally than she is, but he does not recognize that!
My mother has not made this easier. She has insisted on active participation, even though she cannot stand for more than a few minutes at a time. She is unhappy that I am forcing the move, but she has lost 15 pounds in 5 months as she no longer has the energy to cook. Luckily, most stuff is packed (and she has insisted on taking far too much.) I have movers hired, and Thursday is doctor day to get all paperwork completed.
I also have insisted on an assisted living close to where I live.
I do have 4 -8 hours of care giving via a private agency per week. I just applied for VA assistance, but I am sure we will not have a priority classification, so we'll see how that goes.
More than two years ago we were approved for VA-paid daycare 3X per week, plus transportation. It saved both our lives.
A year ago, the VA approved 30 visits per year from a home health aide. Visits could be from 2-6 hours long. The participation in day care and the aide's involvement greatly reduced the cling-on effect that so many have written about here.
There was no waiting period. Let me know if you want more info.