I think a lot about what a close couple DH and I were. There was always an "X" factor. The relationship just "worked" and I can't really explain why. We always enjoyed each other, no matter where we were or what we were doing. I'm not saying we didn't disagree sometimes, but we fought fair and were never hurtful to each other. We enhanced each other--the marriage brought out the best in both of us…the sum was greater than the two parts. And our personal relationship behind closed doors was certainly the icing on the cake. Oh my.
I miss the closeness, the camaraderie, the feeling that there was one person in this world with whom I was on the same page and with whom I always came first. It is a great loss, and part of the tragedy of being an Alzheimers spouse is that you are trapped by the caregiving role and can't move forward and build a new life in any way. For me to have freedom and a new life, my DH would have to die--and that just seems unbearable. I hate this disease.
You have expressed my feelings so well. Especially the part about the sum being greater than the two parts. Sid and I always said that there were 3 of us in the marriage. Joan, Sid, and our relationship, which was the "US". Whenever there was a disagreement to be settled or a life decision to be made, we felt that it was most important to do what was best, not for Joan; not for Sid; but for the relationship, the "US". I loved the "US" part of us. I miss that desperately.
Sometimes when I am holding his hand as he sleeps in his wheelchair, and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, I can still feel "US".
That's what I miss " the US". He is still functioning enough that with the Ativan that now keeps him much calmer, I sometimes see that U.S And it hurts to watch it slip away. I just want it to always be as it was. When I have to take care of a task I still call him and talk about it. Often now he will say" I'm sorry but I don't know what how to help you with this" and I am back to the "me" again and he sounds so sad because he can't be there for me.
If we had an “us” in our marriage, I don’t remember it. I think I have forgotten a lot. I only remember 2 pre-AD things clearly.
One was the way he treated me. My husband would anticipate my every wish and whim. When I opened my eyes in the morning, a cup of coffee would be on the night stand. He warmed up the car on winter mornings, fixed a cup of tea when I came in tired after work, and gave me a foot rub when I watched TV at night, all without asking.
The other thing I will never forget is the humor. Twenty years in the service left him with a colorful vocabulary. He also had a pithy way with words and a humorous way of looking at many things. Sometimes, it was a laugh a minute around here.
My husband is still a true gentleman. He may not know where he is or exactly who I am (wife, sweetheart, mother, sister, or just “the nice lady”), but he still will not walk through a door ahead of me. He insists on carrying the bag of laundry when I visit him in the veteran’s home. He still says, “Thank you” to anyone who does anything for him and since he does very little for himself, he is now always thanking people. But the humor is gone. No laughs. Only innocence.
We were married at 19 and 17 remained best friends for 53 years. She was incapable of carrying on a conversation for the last three years and suffered total aphasia the final three years of her life. Thankfully she never became aggressive or even stop smiling until her final months when she was tortured by terminal restlessness unable to lie in bed for more than a few moments only to begin wandering again. Thru it all I was able to keep her home until her final few days... Our love for one another can only be described in the poem I found clipped inside my Tux (unopened for > 5 yrs. )
I'M FREE
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free I'm following the path G-d laid for me I took His hand when I heard him call
I could not stay another day. 'To laugh, to love to work or play Tasks left undone must stay that way: I found that place at the close of day
If my parting has left a void, then fill it with remembered joy A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss; Ah yes, these things, I too will miss,
Be not burdened with times of sorrow, I wish you sunshine of tomorrow. My life has been full, I savored much Good friends, good time, a loved one's touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief; Don't lengthen it now with undue grief. Lift up your heart and share with me: G-d wanted me now. He Set ME Free