If many of you are like me, you come to this site often if not daily to look for new posts . I want to read something from someone that rings true for me. I want to reach out and be touched by something that gives me strength. I want to hear from another Alzheimer Spouse and this is where we are.
But , if you are like me, you might not feel up to writing or think you have nothing important to say at that time.
But, if we want to be helped here we all need to be a part of sharing our experiences, our feelings OUR STORIES so when one of us is weary and turns to us for understanding it will be here to be found.
I just want to let you know there is life after our LO passes. My DH has been gone 6 months now and the time has been filled with both good and bad times. Mostly good. DD just moved and am now at her place helping her get her house together. Younger DD just graduated from high school and is here with me. This is my first vacation in almost 6 years, working vacation. LOL I miss my DH, but I am making the most of what I do have.
I remember when I first started this journey reading about others who had the * at the end of their names and how life went on for them and it gave me hope. I pray I have done the same for someone else here.
blue*, I remember well when your DH passed away - just a couple of weeks after mine. December was a tough time for many of us.
Yes, there is life after. I am in the process of selling my home, moving to another state to be near my only relative (sister); so I have been very busy the last few months. Sold almost all my furniture - now rattling around in an 8 room house with only bedroom and kitchen stuff! Everything is packed and ready to go - hopefully by the end of the month. I, like blue*, am making the most of what I have left. Yes, it gets lonely, but I keep remembering it was lonely when he was here - but not here - not the wonderful man I spent 39 year with!
It's been a little over 2 years since George passed away; I still feel very lonely some days...I really miss what we had before AD. But, I agree with Vickie*....it was very lonely before he passed because "he was here-but not here". I have been keeping myself busy with travelling, spending time with my kids and grandkids, doing some volunteering; Some days are tough...it would be so much easier to just stay in bed and do nothing.... But I won't let myself do that...well, not too much, anyway. I think one thing that I have been able to learn from this journey is that it's up to me to reach out to others and not wait for them to make the first move. I keep reminding myself to do this and I believe I have gotten better at it...a work in progress I guess!
Lorrie, I visit this site at least 2-3 times a day, still seeking suggestions as my husband begins his stage 7 journey (still walks, very limited speech, now doubly incontinent, needs help with all ADLs but still has a good appetite and is otherwise healthy) and very willing to offer suggestions that might help others in the earlier stages.
My observation is that although there are still many with spouses at home, they are not posting looking for solutions to problems (maybe all of their issues are answered in previous posts) and not responding to those that are. The majority of discussions now are usually about the challenges of having spouses in LTC, managing care in a facility, adjustments to living alone, etc. and I do know how overwhelming and challenging that is since my husband has been in a few facilities over the past 6 years.
As Carosi2 said in another thread, like any thing that matures (this website) it naturally changes and I think that's what's been happening.
I do feel I have a lot of good experience as a 6 year caregiver and as a HR professional before I retired to care for my husband. I will continue to contribute where I feel my comments/suggestions are helpful. And I am always grateful that those with a * continue to share their wisdom.
I think you may have something there. For those of us with spouses still at home, there are a lot of practical solutions to problems in the previous posts and blogs. I go there first when looking for an answer on how to handle something. For instance, my DH needs cataract surgery (we meet with the eye specialist next week). The first place I turned for help on how to handle this (and whether to even go ahead with it) was the search function on the message board.
And as Joan's and other members journeys have moved on, so the site has matured.
However, the practical advice given in previous posts does not take the place of the discussions of emotional support that are still required by spouses, regardless of the stage. There is no other place I know of that I can turn to for emotional support, to vent, to scream, and even to celebrate. I read the board every day, and comment when I feel it is appropriate or that I can add to the discussion. There are times when I am ignorant of the topic or have nothing to add. And there are times when I don't agree with the way a particular topic is being addressed but I keep my mouth shut rather than cause offence.
Not much to add. DW is stable and happy in ALF. I am in one bedroom apt. in same building so I see her daily (I'm heading there now for their music session). I have some people my own age to talk with, but none with AD spouse. I get younger contact by joining Rotary and Toastmasters - both of which meet in this building, on same day. I read posts every day and have recommended site to another man going through same thing as me.
I thought maybe people were getting tired of my posts, but if not, here is the update after a month of Hospice services at home: The equipment is a godsend. We have a hospital bed, overbed table, transfer W/C, (already owned the big W/C), oxygen (only needed once in the past month), a bed/chair alarm, two sizes of bedpans. We already owned a bedside commode and a urinal. We had a hand-held shower and grab bars in the bathroom DH uses; Hospice added a transfer tub seat with back on it. The nurses come once a week, and the social worker and a chaplain have been here. The aides come for one hour five days per week, which means that I only have to shower him on Sat/Sun, unless they arrive in the afternoon--then I shower him myself in the morning. That hour is not enough for me to get out for grocery shopping, post office, banking, library, and quick haircut at beauty school, so next week I am starting a private pay aide through an agency for four hours one day per week. I am still cooking dinner for six or seven family members around the table at suppertime, but summer vacation has started, so I do not have my granddaughter getting off the school bus here. In the fall, she (2nd grade) and my five-year-old grandson (starting kindergarten) will get off the school bus at my house, and I'll watch them until their mom gets home from work, after she picks up the three-year-old from preschool. DD has also just announced that she is definitely divorcing s-i-l. Since he is a big help with DH--usually comes over and does PM care and gets him into bed, this is going to make things harder for me. But c'est la vie. This is not…repeat, Not…what I signed up for when I sold our NY home and moved to the Heartland. So much for relatives "helping" us. I thought we were creating a "Waltons of the New Millennium" for ourselves, but it's more like I'm doing difficult transfers, dispensing Seroquel to keep DH from going even more bonkers, and cleaning poop off the ceiling while watching a real-life version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf." Anyway, my main personal issues are that DH sundowns and I have to give him Seroquel at least twice a night to control the yelling and psychotic behavior, and that he is up a lot at night toileting, and also during the day, and that the transfer chair to toilet or chair to commode are difficult. I've started working out with my light weights again, which helps a lot, and even though I can't usually get my walks, they do help a lot just to loosen up all the tight, achy muscles from all the heavy work. And as I get stronger again from my weights, it gets easier. He just doesn't cope well with urinals or bedpans--he wants to get up to toilet. Sigh. He is non-ambulatory, and at super-high risk for falls, as he has no mind, and no memory whatsoever that he can't walk. He fell again last week and has a couple of doozies of skin tears, but they are dry and closed by now. Mentally I am more and more resigned to this quiet, cloistered existence. I don't think I will ever be a very social person again, the way I was before. I don't want friends, as they are all a bunch of fair weather phonies, and I don't want family, either, because they are too much work. I love the quiet early morning hours when I can sit on the screened porch and play my harp or read, and just "be." I think when this is all over I will put the color back in my hair and get it cut in the decent style, maybe do my nails again and get some decent outfits…and just spend a lot of time alone, playing music, writing, or taking long country walks. (In safe, not-too-isolated settings, of course.) Anyway, sorry for the long post. Best wishes to everybody--I read everything--from your fellow prisoner, the Toileting Queen.
Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I posted for many of the reasons people have mentioned. I also thought that my journey was much like the others before and wouldn't be much help. But I think Lorrie is right so I've decided to start posting again, even if it has all been said before. My husband was diagnosed with AD 3 years ago April after extensive testing. We were both in our mid-50's and it came as a complete shock. Our lives exploded, crashed, and burned. I spent the first year and a half crying and inconsolable, almost unable to speak. I spent the next year burning with rage. The horror of this personal disaster is impossible to overcome because it doesn't stop until it stops, and when it will stop, no one knows.
There were many months when I hated him so much I couldn't stand any contact, not even a touch. There were times when my responses to him were spat out like poison. I've been sarcastic, I've been mean, I've been petty and small. I have crashed my head bloody against the AD wall. We've lost so much. He, of course, no longer works. I had to stop working to be with him. Finances are shot and with every pull from our meager retirement fund, future security slips away. There are no friends because he only speaks nonsense and now all I have to talk about is him. I'm incredibly boring.
I have few moments alone because he has to be monitored at all times. He cannot be trusted with anything as his memory has shortened to seconds.
Here are the hardest things:
Letting go of hope. I no longer have hopes about accomplishing anything, going anywhere, or life being better. I refuse to have hope when all hope relies upon the death of my husband. I don't look forward with hope or despair. I simply don't look there. I live here. I accept that this is my life and it is my choice to stay and take care of him. I look for things to be thankful for. I accomplish what I can without worrying about the outcome.
Not worrying about money.What's the point? Lilies of the field and all that aside, I'm not in the position at this time to make more. I'm sensible without being extravagant or miserly. Saving $50 today isn't going to help defray the $90,000 a year cost of LTC here in California, so why sweat it.
Accepting a small life. It's partially that late middle-age stage of "WTF have I done with my life," and "how did I end up here?" It's still my life and I get to choose how I'm living it -- no matter how contained and constrained.
Being kind and keeping a tender heart. For him, of course. Now I can do that. I hug him and kiss him and tell him everything he does is perfect and fine. I pretend to understand and heartily agree with everything. I'm the perfect Stepford wife in that way. And then double for me in every freaking way I can. Every tiny kindness and forgiveness and break I can find, I give myself.
Having zero expectations. At this stage, I only ask him to do things I know for sure he can do. I expect no help from him in any way. Not just around the house, but emotionally. It's unfair to ask him to try to understand me, to look to him for support or back-up or congratulations or concern. Not only is that asking for a good wall-banging for myself, it's impossible for him to give.
We're at the three and a half year mark. After the raging year, things started to turn around when my 33 year old son came to live with us. He has a job so we only see him in the evening but he gives me one morning a week to myself. More importantly, he is someone to talk to and a witness to my experience. He is another non-brain-damaged person who can see more clearly than I what is happening. Thanks to him, I've hired a student nurse to come in once a week to give me a break. He could see that my husband was depressed and his recommendation of anti-depressants has led to a happier and calmer atmosphere in the house. Now I'm happier having to make all the meals (okay, I left that off the list of hard things) because he enjoys them.
Time to make lunch but I promise to post more when I can.
Elizabeth - just because they are getting divorced does not mean you SIL has to leave your life. When my oldest sister divorced her first husband, as far as I was concerned he was still family. I kept in contact with him through the years. My son is separated and someday will be divorced from 'E'. We have a good relationship and she volunteered to be my hb's DPOA after me.
So unless you are forced to take sides, like your SIL, talk with him now about if he would still be willing to help you out. Divorce only ends a marriage, it doesn't have to end your friendship with that ex.
Bunny - you have probably helped more than you know with just telling "your story". There may be someone reading this and thinking that is what I'm going through and know they are not the only one. Thanks for sharing. My journey is over and my situation was never like yours but reading others with the * beside their name gives me something to think about and have a little glimmer of hope for better days for me.
Thank you all for responding to my post. While I agree older posts and blogs are helpful, we need to hear from all of you now.too!
Glad you returned Bunny's Lamb. Your insights helped me tonight. I've also been trying to give up expectations. I also started the journey about the same time but my Dh is declining fast. A foot in Stage 5 and his toes in Stage 6. Or maybe vice versa . LFL, Charlotte, Florence I have been following you since I joined and learned so much from your wisdom. Yes, this is what I meant keep adding to and starting new stories. Let's keep this site alive.
Thanks, Charlotte--a good thought. And Bunny, yes this disease is a horror. It destroys lives, no question about that. But you know what? It's not going to destroy us. You sound like someone who can bend but not break…I hope I'm like that, too. Hang in there, girl.
Lorrie I too come here several times a day. I do not post as often as I should. Sometimes I take a break because I am overwhelmed with what is going on at home. My DH is stage six mid. I just started having an aide once a week. It went well last week and yesterday. But last night he was mad at me and said he did not want that lady to come back. He said there is nothing wrong with me. Of course he did not say that clearly. I had to figure it out. I should have started the aide sooner. I am going to increase to two times a week in a month. My four hours of freedom from AD went to fat yesterday.
I do want to thank everyone for posting and commenting. This is my safe place and it helps me to know I am not going crazy.
Yes, jackiem29, expect him to buck about the aide. If he likes a certain kind of candy, slip her a package on her way in the door to pull out of her pocket to bribe him. I had our aide doing little jobs to involve DH, like cleaning out the silverware drawer, wiping out the cupboards, etc. It may work or not, but don't let it guilt you into not having help. After all, the aide is for YOU more than for him.
Bunny's Lamb, you moved me with your comments. I think you're right. There hasn't been much posting of late, and I'm as guilty as the next one. i believe it was Divvi or Carosi who kept talking about getting help in. I kept saying I would do it but procrastinated. Recently I tried day care but neither of us liked it. Now, I e been. Feeling as if I'm at the end of my rope, even though myp husband really isn't as bad as some others here. If he was, I know I couldn't have done it. I've been going through this for almost eight years. The patience that helped me through it this far came from the people on this site. I learned how to handle so much and how to talk to him, what kind of clothes to wear, not to argue, etc.
I finally realized I can't handle it anymore. I hired a young woman from an agency to come for two 5-hour days a week. If it works and I can handle someone in the house, I will add to it. I know it's expensive, but it's cheaper than a home. She has extensive knowledge in how to handle a dementia patient and I can't believe that I'm actually looking forward to it. Even though he doesn't remember much of anything, he seemed to like her very much when we introduced him to her the other day.
I'll try to keep all of you informed on how we do with a caregiver in our home.
I started having a woman who was recommended by a person in my az support group when he was in late stage 5 /early 6 a year and a half ago. Told him she was here to help in the house. He also used to tell me we didn't need (that woman). Later I started with one from an agency. Still have them both, one for 3 hrs on Tuesday, and one for 3 hours on Friday. I can get either to stay longer if I need to.
Now since he is in late stage 7 and confined to a hospital bed and on Hospice people are parading through the house all the time. He is used to them and doesn't seem to care. Some help me change diapers and others like the chaplain and social worker just visit.
As with so many others, I too am in a very different place than when I first came to this site 5 years ago. Hard to believe that Clare has now been in an ALR for more than 9 months. I continue to visit this site 2 or 3 times a week, but I used to come here daily. I also don't post all that often anymore, and can't remember the last time I started a new discussion. My role has shifted from 24/7 caregiver to part-time caregiver during my daily ALR visits ... but I am now a full-time advocate for improving Clare's care at her ALR. I still feel this is the single best internet site for AD spouses and I encourage all people new to this site to check often for new discussion threads and postings ... AND to remember to read past discussion threads to find incredibly helpful information.
I have been doing the alz walk for 6 years and came to this site about 3 years ago. My husband was placed 9 months ago so I Am at a different place than some. I tried home health aids and respite. They both worked well for me. The first girl I had came once a week and took him out since I work from home. That lasted for about a year. As time went on I realized I needed time away and again had aids for the day and later respite for the weekend. I also tried day care. We had bus transportation and I tried that but he got so confused with the money that I started driving him. He did not enjoy it and then I took him the the community senior center where he ate lunch and socialized some. That lasted about 1-1/2 years until they called because he had wandered in the women's rest room and did not know where he was. For me I knew I did not want people in my house all the time as I have a small condo and like my privacy. I started researching Medicaid friendly facilities about a year before I actually placed him. I got on a wait list and it took 9 months for the opening to happen. That opening coincided with my readiness to place him. It was very difficult decision not to mention the Medicaid hell but now that it is done I am pleased with the decision. He is declining ever so slowly. He still knows me. I visit 2x a week and take him out to family functions and church. He has not exhibited a lot of the problematic behaviors that some have and I know I am blessed in that regard. He has other health issues but is still walking and starting with toileting issues. I still have waves of guilt but they are short lived and I am learning to disregard the guilt producing thoughts when they come. I placed him because of the emotional toll it was taking on me. Now in retrospect I do believe that this disease plays havoc with the caregivers thinking process. When I had him at home I did not realize just how much his care was taking out of me. I simply got up every day and plowed through what I had to do. Now that he is out of the house I am working on reclaiming myself and it is a work in progress.
I will be starting an agency aide for four hours, one day per week next Thursday. The Hospice aides are great, but one hour, five days per week is just not doing it. I hate to keep complaining that I can't get the grocery shopping done, or get my hair cut…I sound like a broken record…but it is soooooo annoying to be in jail all the time. I am going to live dangerously and try to cut my hair myself. It's surprising how nice DH's hair looks when I cut it---I just followed the directions and pictures in the leaflet that came with the clippers---and there are lots of Youtube videos online. Since my own hair is very short (or supposed to be), I think I can do it. If I mess up…well, hey…nobody sees me anyway, and it's like grass: it will grow back. Here's an exercise tip, by the way. My knees really kill me when I try to do my routines, so I have started taking 600 mg. of ibuprofen one-half hour before I exercise. It helps a lot. Also, when I do my squats, I go in the bathroom and hold onto one of the grab bars. It is very secure in the wall, and gives great support. With the ibuprofen and the grab bar I can get lower. I find when doing all the transfers that I really feel it in my legs and hips, so getting my lower body stronger is a big help. My arms don't seem to bother me at all, so doing the upper body routines are not a problem. I'm not going to increase my weights yet, but I will keep raising them very slowly and gradually. DH is getting weaker all the time, so I have to get stronger…or else I'll kill myself on these transfer. Last night he woke up three times, and was simply not able to get on his commode. Despite max. assist from me, he started to fall, and tipped over the commode somehow and I had to sort of lift/toss him back onto his bed. So I told him it was just going to be the urinal, whether he liked it or not. So he did use the urinal the rest of the night, although he can't do it himself, so I have to get up and place it, empty it, etc. etc. Plus cleaning urine out of the carpet at 3 am. Dontcha love it.
During Steve's illness, my hope was reduced to a couple of things. In the early/middle stages, which were the roughest part of the disease for us, I just hoped I'd survive him so I could see him through all the way (I did). I also hoped that my own health would not be seriously damaged (it wasn't). When the middle/late stages came, I hoped I could manage things so he could have some quality of life and dignity all the way through (he did), and that he would know me to the end (he did). Also, at that point I started hoping I could someday have a "normal" life again and love for a new partner (I have). So I guess my point is, just like the disease itself is a process, our response to it is also a process. Do whatever you have to do to save yourself so that you can rebuild a life later one. Ask for help, hire help, move your LO to a facility--it has been said a million times, but bears repeating. Dementia caregiving just isn't a one-person job, period.
Elizabeth, I'm not so sure it's a good idea to use the ibuprofen before you exercise. Maybe afterwards? I think pain is an indicator of tolerance, and I remember an axiom from my physio "to exercise as tolerated." Knees are tricky, and need to be respected. I'd hate to see you have trouble with your knees afterwards because of trying to make yourself stronger in order to do your husband's transfers. Others here have injured their backs, some permanently. Your other solution of using the urinal is better. As for the rug, I remember postings about people replacing the rug with a more caregiver-friendly floor covering. Or having the commode placed on a large piece of vinyl, or other protective covering. At this point, your protection is most important. You need to run the show for a while yet, and you can do it better if you're not in pain.
Lorrie, some agencies are better than others. If you can get a social worker, nurse or even a physician's office to refer you to one that they have heard good things about, it might be a good place to start. Also, if your spouse has LTC insurance, call them and see if they have agreements with any local agencies regarding pricing. DH has John Hancock and they use CHCS Services which manages a national provider network for home health care, nursing homes, adult day car, etc. and they negotiate rates with providers in our area. In our case JH requires that they approve the agency BEFORE you hire anyone from that agency.
My experience with agencies has been a mixed bag. The one I've used for 6 years is actually horrible. They have little or no contact with me as the client, never follow up to see if I'm satisfied with their services, argue with me when I try to negotiate issues, and recently have not been able to provide a qualified substitute when the regular aide takes time off. They have raised their rates 3 times in 6 years. The only reason I keep using them is that the live-in we've had for 6 years refuses to sign up with another agency so I could hire him from that agency.
We have a live-in aide for DH and although the initial adjustment with having a stranger (and a man) living in the house was difficult and sometimes tumultuous (for all of us) after 6 years we've settled into a routine. The difficulties now have to do with the substitute aides who do not care for DH as well as the live-in..
Having learned the hard way, I would suggest the following:
Call and request a copy of the agency's policies, rates, payment schedules and their contract BEFORE you agree to meet with them. Call at least 3. This way you will have an opportunity when you do meet to ask very specific questions about what the aides can/cannot do, what services to expect, etc. Joan has posted my list on the home page in case you're interested.
Remember when the agency rep visits the home, they will evaluate your DH's needs and will tell you why their agency is the best fit for your situation. Remember their job is usually to get new business so only you can determine if they can truly meet your needs. Ask them for references from clients. And ask them if the aide they want to send has experience handling a person with dementia.
Once you decide on an agency, ask to interview the aide they will be sending BEFORE you agree to that particular aide.
Key information you need to have before hiring an agency is their policy on replacing an aide if the one they send is not a fit and most importantly, how do they handle when an aide doesn't show or calls in sick.
Most agencies pay the aide 1/2 of the fee they charge you, so the aides are generally paid $10-$12/hr. I mention this because I have found that some aides are not motivated to do much without close watching and supervision because they feel they're not paid enough. But there are some wonderful caring aides out there...the trick is finding them.
I know this sounds cynical, but remember that the Home Health Care is a business first.
Elizabeth, can you order your groceries on line and then pick them up? I've been doing this for several years now and for many reasons and it has been a godsend.
Its an opportune moment with this post to offer my own experiences as well. as others mention many of the topics are about subjects that some cant relate to or cant offer much input so opt to just read instead of posting. I include myself. as one of the oldtimers here with my DH still at home, I find my own experiences and needs have greatly changed with mine basically bedbound now and end stage. but the end stages 7D, have plateaued and he continues to hover in holding paths. I never knew end stage 7 could last so long. and like others mine is relatively in ok health other than the dementia, so its a waiting game in the worst way knowing whats eminent. I also hope to find momentum to continue to post, although sometimes I feel I have exhausted all the input and topics:) esp the incontinence threads. (grin) Its always good to see past members surface as well. our needs do change during the course of the disease for sure. its good to see so many posters and the continuing efforts. divvi
I haven't been here for a couple of weeks. Sometimes I guess I feel that I just can't read about one more thing concerning Alz. - brain overload! Also, I think that Dan seems to be progressing rather slowly (although I have noticed some "slippage"!), & I really have nothing to offer to anyone here, although I derive a lot of good from others' comments. I keep reading, & maybe one of these days, I'll be able to offer some encouragement and/or support to someone else. Right now, i'm just in limbo, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Bunnys Lamb, your comment was especially insightful. Thank you for that -I will be bookmarking this discussion ( along with ALL the others I've already bookmarked!)
I know there will be an end to all of this someday, just have to keep running the race to the finish line.....
Mary, I promise you I will be very careful with my knees. I don't do anything that is painful-- my knees are just creaky and give twinges, especially in damp weather-- but taking the ibuprofen does make it easier to get up and down off the floor, and I do feel like I need to do some squats and lunges--they seem to help strengthen muscles I need for those transfers. No way do I intend to get hurt when DH decides to let his legs buckle or leans the wrong way at the wrong time. I don't know how he manages to always zig when I need him to zag. Sigh.He used to be so well-coordinated, and so fun to dance with…well, those days are long gone…but when he's holding onto me for dear life it does bring back memories of the old days. (When holding onto each other was a positive thing, and not just for the sake of doing a transfer!) LFL, I do think I can give a telephone or online order for groceries at our local Giant Eagle. They don't deliver…the customer has to pick up the order…but you're right, it could be a useful service. For the moment, I am going to use my new four-hour block of time for grocery shopping and other routine errands, but I may well decide I need it for more enjoyable activities!
I didn't celebrate father's day because I'm not but I did get interviewed by sports illustrated recently:
[Reporter]: How do you stay in playing shape?
[Wolf]: I work out. I get up almost every day. Some days I push right to the wall and get fully dressed. I lift all the cups and utensils myself and I do deep bends to clean up the floor if it's getting sticky and I have trouble pulling my socks off the floor to walk around. It's a pretty intense program.
[Reporter]: All righty then. Do you do anything actually strenuous to stay in shape?
[Wolf]: Most definitely. I work out my fingers on the keyboard for hours every day. My fingers are like steel ninjas except for the arthritis twinges. You've got to throw yourself into it and push it to your limits. I lift weights every tuesday when the garbage gets picked up and I lift my own groceries in from the car. Oh. And put them away.
[Reporter]: Did you suprise yourself with your performance this year?
[Wolf]: A little. I mean some people counted me out but hearing the fans cheering me on when I thought I might get up and I thought I might bend over kept me going. I come out of the bedroom most mornings like Rocky on those steps. Arms in the air. Music playing "Take You Higher". Fans waiting for hours for me to appear.
[Reporter]: You have fans waiting for you to get up?
[Wolf]: Well, the cats mostly. But I can feel them cheering me on that once again I'm vertical looking out at the world like a fish in an aquarium wet nose against the window.
[Reporter]: Uh huh. Anything else?
[Wolf]: Yes, I want to thank my mom and dad for their hard work having me and giving me this opportunity to show what I can do.
[Reporter]: And what is it you do do?
[Wolf]: I get in that ring and rain down a world of hurt on my opponent. I reach deep inside and pull out 140%. I do synchronized blinking almost always. I do breathing exercises to stay sharp. And I switch coffee cup hands to stay balanced.
[Reporter]: It does seem to be a reach calling yourself an athelete with your own fans I have to say.
[Wolf]: I know! Wait...I'm getting a tweet. Oh. It's an actual bird outside.
As a teacher, I rate you A+ for creative expression! I love to read your posts. Although humorous, I get the message you express. Thanks. Sometimes, just getting out of bed and getting dressed to face another day of heartbreak is enough exercise for me.
[voice one - goofy] Gaarsh! People are awful friendly around here!
[voice two] It don't mean nuthin.
{me] I know. But it's still fun.
[voice three - Wile Coyote] Just think of me as one of the girls. In fact maybe we should have a pajama party. Bring your babydolls.
[voice four - roadrunner] BEEP BEEP! Wile hits his head on the cliff. Again.
It's the increasingly incredulous reporter unable to understand the dementia world. It came to mind because my voices do the lines out of movies as things happen to me and I was sitting there wondering what I can do when I saw what's her face doing that line in Young Frankenstein "And what is it you do do?". The answer of course is nothing much. In the meantime I was watching NBA interviews where the finals have just ended and you get used to their jargon which is pretty much the same in every sport and I've done some of that before and there's what happened.
How do you have voices doing movie bits while you live? You open your heart to the littlest things and they move in. I love movie moments so much that over my lifetime they have become part of me plus I always wanted to be a director in the same way I wanted to be Michael Jordan but...I do get something every time I open to things. I get the lady or the tiger. Beep beep.
Edit - I messed up with who the roadrunner was so I fixed it.
Guys. I promise you. There is no self in creation. There is only commentary afterwards. When we open deeply we channel life force and you can define that as you please but it has little to do with the hand and mind that channels it. I promise that is true.
One of the many veils is to admit that we did not design every molecule of the popular thing - but, that we rode along and tried to help form the thing that appeared mostly on it's own.
In my studied opinion one of the biggest seperators of those who are called and those who are chosen (metaphorically) is that some who are called think they arrive. You do not arrive. You continue.
Pick one small thing that means something deeply genuine to you and keep it safe. Know it is safe because you protect it. Understand that what you chose never changed. It is you giving something value inside that has changed.
Wolf - I've been sitting by the hospital bedside of my sister for four days so I've missed "visiting" with my friends on line. Your writings are you no doubt. I've told you before that one of my sons is a writer and when I read him I learn more about him than the dogs he writes about. Thanks for all you add to our group.
My posts are me. The plan is to have dinner with one of you next week and then that person is going to know that I talk like this in real life too. I'm out there on another planet and I'm happy to be there.
How about this? I'll make a game. It'll go like this. I quote a line from a movie from any time at all. Any of you that want to play are very welcome to do so. I'll probably be an hour or two putting it together and with a little luck it's something to do.
Oh-oh, I am clueless. I guess I don't watch enough movies. I did know the quote from the Terminator, but only because it's such a part of pop culture.
I did want to post somewhere (not sure where) that I really don't just whine and complain all the time. There are some positives to report: I have been playing my harp a lot more, on the screened porch in the early mornings. And DH has deteriorated to where he doesn't notice me playing the piano, so I am able to relax and play some (shockingly easy) piano pieces in the evenings. And my exercising is paying off already--knee and feet aches and pains are already going away. And…drum roll…for the last three nights, DH has only woken up once or twice for toileting. I actually feel like I've had enough sleep. Wahoo!
22 Mash 15 - A Streetcar Named Desire 17 - The Terminator 19 - Christmas Story 23 - Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (pet detective 2 actually) 13. Rain Man 02. Animal House 16. True Grit 05. Philadelphia story
Later I'll post the movies out of order if we like and you can try and match them.
I can't believe nobody's gotten number 10. There were three versions of this movie. And number 7 is a bit of a cheat because it comes from a series done also several times. I'll give two clues and not say which is which. One version of one of them involves a Mr Oberkuchen and his violin though not the most recent version where she loves daisies. Both versions have this line in it. The second is a period piece where entire societies exist relishing her every word.
I have visual memory mostly. I can see Brando in black and white looking up squinting his face calling her. I can see mop haired Dustin Hoffman twitching. Almost everybody does that but life doesn't push us to develop it. In movies since they do exactly the same thing over and over it's easy to imprint it in our minds. Real life moments come and are gone unless recorded somehow.
The thing is that my wife and I argued over something for a couple of years before the fact something really was wrong became apparent at all. I hate myself for the things I said and how I pounded on it. Memory can be moderated quite strongly though.
I talked somewhat mostly on the Spouse in Home thread about that. It doesn't matter what it was about. Under normal circumstances it was as serious as how I reacted. I spent months bitterly ashamed and angry that so much time had been lost. As part of going through everything I came to this evasive and much hidden thing. Neither was to blame because Alzheimers was already among us and over months I have hit that tree with a hand axe and finally brought it down. When I begin to remember how I still feel about how I behaved a cleanup crew arrives and re-directs to the Alzheimers sign and that both sides of what anyone did must be invalid and let go. It works. Front to back I get through inside two seconds now.
It is rewired. It's your brain and it can do lots of things. I can associate a conga line and cha-cha music to the two seconds if you like. All I have to do is remember that a few times and reinforce it a few times the next few days and bob is your uncle when I remember the bad thing that happened I have wired a physical synapse between them and it's the most recent information and so there it is. Shingle on toast.
Movies and our memories work the same way. When we're losing so much at times there's nothing to do but hang on and keep going. But it will be important one day to know that it's actually you in the front row of what you're thinking and when I say Errol Flynn and ask if you can hear him take a second and suprise yourself. If you don't know who Errol Flynn is then think Brad Pitt.