I have figured something out, and I am very angry. My kids are going to get me a dog.
I do not want a dog. I have told them that. I do not want to care for one, I don't need anything more to worry about. They have it in their heads that I need companionship. I am fine alone. I really am. I like the grandkids to come over and then I like it when they go home. I won't be able to send a dog home. I like dogs, I really do. We haven't had one for 30 years, because DW didn't want them. Now that DW is in a NH, the kids think I need or want a dog. DD keeps dropping hints, and I am terrified that they are going to show up on the front door with a dog, and how am I going to give it back? I don't want one!!
Trisinger, if you are really opposed to the idea then you need to tell them that now. on the other hand, many of us will tell you how wonderful it is to have a pet for companions. maybe a solution would be ok, accept a small dog to your liking, and if it doesnt work out or you hate caring for it, then your DD and family will take the pet for themselves. get that in 'writing':) personally i think its a nice idea or course its a personal preference. if you travel and or out of the house alot, then i wouldnt recommend it, a pet likes to have the companion too! divvi
If you want a LOT of opinions and advice, go to the message board topic - "Should Joan Get a Dog?" It is on page 9 of these boards - the 4th topic down.
I hope you don't mind, but I added "dog" to the title of this discussion. The dog topic really gets people going.
Dogs are a lot of work and take a lot of time. If you really don't want them you should tell them now. It will be hard to say no once you look into those trusting eyes :)
I agree if you don't want a dog, strongly tell the now. My son thought maybe a dog would be good for my husband, he has never wanted a dog in the past & I knew who would end up taking care of a dog "ME" I think I have enough on my plate without adding something else. I like dogs, just don't want one.
"I don't want one!! ...Do I?" Uh, oh, trisinger, it looks as if you're weakening...
I'd agree with divvi. If you're really, really sure you don't want one, tell DD right now, clearly, plainly, and forcefully. No ifs, ands, or buts. Tell her that any dog brought to your home will be promptly transported to the humane society. Say it as if you really mean it, whether or not you'd follow through on the threat.
If you're waffling a bit, and DD persists, then do the provisional agreement divvi suggested. (But like Mya says, be forewarned that once you look into those eyes, you've had it.)
Tell your kids that you have discussed this the majority think that when a person says they don't want a dog they should never be given a dog. Tell them to get a dog for themselves and if they need you to "dog sit" every once in a while you will be happy to do so. Also, tell them that you are now just beginning to adjust to the lesser responsibility phase of your life and you don't need a new responsibility. I know your intentions are good, but please, please respect my feelings on this matter.
LOL , I had to smile at the Do I ? I have pups and they are wonderful for Lynn. I do handle most of their care, but I love doing it, so it works for us. I am sure if you voiced your true feelings...when you figure out what they are lol your kids will follow your wishes.
I personally don't think anyone should get a dog or other live animal for another person. I say that because in my case if I am going to have to take care of an animal I want to choose my own. If I am not capable of choosing my own maybe I don't need one. I would like a small dog, of my own choosing, IF I could do like with grandkids and send them home. I wanted a cat, because cats are loveable, and a lot less trouble than a dog, so last year I went to the Humane Society and got us a female kitten. She has been neutered and front declawed (after she tore up my leather chairs, and is one of the family. She plays in the yard and in the house, staying in the house at night. She has been great for my husband and I.
Imohr, I'd have to agree with your position, as long as it is qualified that no PERSON should ever choose a live animal for another person.
I've had a couple of cats who chose to give themselves to me. Cats can be very hard to argue with, once they've made up their minds. And they usually do a pretty good job picking out owners. (Have you ever read the book "The Silent Miaow"?) My Lady was a gorgeous long-haired calico, regally deposited herself on my doorstep when I was in college. She was much too pretty to have been abandoned, so I looked and looked and looked for her owner ... took about three weeks before I realized that was me. She graciously lived with me for 21 years. Pumpkin (orange tabby) came bouncing up to my car when I arrived home one night after work, on Halloween. I told her firmly that I already had two cats, and went inside. I kept looking out the window every now and then, for hours ... she was just a kitten, and we have coyotes in this neighborhood, cars that drive by too fast, all sorts of dangers for small fuzzies, and anyway, no little kitten should be outside all night anywhere without food and water. She just stayed right there until the next morning, came up to say hello when I tried to get in the car to go grocery shopping. She was dirty, and obviously had to be hungry and thirsty, and was confident I'd take care of all that. She was right.
Agreed 100%. We too, had a yellow ball of fur appear on our doorstep many years ago. Didn't take much for us to adopt her. She lived as our family pet for many years.
We got a puppy in March and it was the best thing for us. Particularly me because even though I do all the work, it gives me something to focus on other than AD. However it took me a couple of years of contemplating it and no one should make that decision for you.
Trisinger, maybe you could say..NOT RIGHT NOW? No dogs right now. There is still too much to do that I can't give the time or attention a dog would need RIGHT NOW.. This is NOT a good time.. Maybe later and I'll agree that I WILL GET ONE WHEN I"M ready.. ??? The kids may not know how exhausting this can be .. I suppose they just think a dog would fill that 'empty space'? Bless em for trying to cheer you up, but mercy.. I have my Sammy the schnauzer who will be 8 years old soon..but truth is, when the time comes for a day or two 'off', I usually board him just because I need that time OFF.
I had a friend whose husband had a brain tumor when they were in their 50s. Behaved really badly for several years, a lot of family aggression etc, taken out on the sons, etc etc. Finally died. Adult young son moved in to "take care of mom". Mom had to do laundry, cooking etc for son - when she'd just finished doing it for husband. She was frustrated as all getout!! Finally we managed to find an out-of-town job for Son, who expressed great regret at leaving Mom to her own devices. Mom's been quite happy by herself ever since, babysitting another son's dog from time to time, grandkids from time to time, and romancing and travelling whenever she wants.
Our daughter and family have been here for the past 2 weeks, including their 8 month old miniature Schnauzer. The dog immediately went to my wife. During the time they were here she spent a lot of time with the dog in her lap or stroking it. I think she would really like to have a dog, but we are not allowed to in our retirement Inn. Cats are out of the question because DW is very allergic to them.
trisinger, if you truly do not want a pet, then you are absolutely correct telling them that you don't want one. I like the suggestion of "not now". Do they ever give you a reason on why they think you should have a dog? You could try thanking them for caring about you and being concerned but you have thought through their suggestion and realized that now was not a good time for an animal in you life, maybe later. The suggestions that are given through love are a lot harder to put down and say no to.
No bundles yet. We had a little discussion about it, and I said that I did not want a dog. My daughter said, very nicely, that I basically have a history of very good decision making, except when it comes to myself.
She pointed out that my wife told me 20 years ago I had a health problem, and I said I was fine, and it turned out I had diabetes. A few years ago they tried to tell me that DW had a problem, and I told them she was fine, when she really had AD. They tried to tell me I was deathly sick, and I told them I didn't need to see a doctor, and I almost died from a liver abcess.
She knows how I feel, and that she hears me, but she thinks I am wrong. I told her I don't mind being alone, but she says that's not true because I hate being alone. I told her I didn't wan't to worry about caring for something, and she said that I am a person who needs to care for something. She pointed out that my mother once said that the only reason she got out of bed in the morning sometimes was because she had to take care of the dog. DD says I am just like my mom.
I told her I like sleeping in. She said the dog would sleep in, too.
I don't know what else to do. I can't argue, because she makes valid points. I can't make her see they're wrong this time. My son is in on this, too.
Marsh, A shelter would not let them adopt a pet for you (unless they forged some papers!). They highly frown on the pet as a gift thing. Don't think a breeder would like the idea either (a legit one anyway). A pet store, that's another story. Sounds kinda like you won't have a problem with them foisting a dog on you, but I'm not too sure how they would do it. Maybe from someone "giving" away a dog maybe.
I can remember a couple of decades ago reading a book on how to raise a gifted child. As it turns out, it was the best thing I could have done, as all 3 were the smart kind of kids. One of the things the book stressed was that a gifted child can argue a point very well. They had an example of a parent being "argued" into allowing his kid to get a motorcycle. When asked, the parent said no, they didn't want their kid to have one, but they presented many good points.
As the authors told this parent, just because they can present good points (better than a typical kid) doesn't mean that you as a parent, can't just say no. They stressed that falling for that could be dangerous.
Sometimes, no matter how well they argue for something, you just have to say no. In the same way that you can't win trying to reason with someone with dementia, you can't win answering the arguements of gifted kids, no matter how old they are. So, don't let them allow you to be drawn into countering your points against having a dog, you just say NO.
Geez, please don't take offense at this, but your kids sure sound stubborn. If you really don't want a dog, and they show up with one, I would hand it back to them when they leave, or get in the car while they are there, and drive to a shelter with it, so they know you mean business.
Unless, of course, those sad, cute puppy eyes get to you.
Good timing trisinger.hehe.... I,m taking my grandaughter with me tomorrow to see the puppy I will be picking up in 2 weeks for my DW..... I,m hoping he will be a nice companion for her.. we haven;t had a dog in 25 years and I know it will be a bit of work ,, but also hope it will be worth the time and effort..... If Dee was in a NH I don;t think I would be getting a dog either...... I,d name it LUCKY :>
LOL dandee. I hope you and your DW enjoy your new bundle of joy :)
Trisinger, you and your daughter remind me so much of the relationship I had with my dad. It wasn't that I was just stubborn, or he was.. it was that we had the type of relationship where we were able to talk about anything. I truly believe your children have your best interest at heart. If I was in the same situation, I could see myself trying to talk my dad into getting a dog too. It is obvious your children love you, and IF you truly do not want a pup, (or do you? ) I hope they don't keep trying to push one on you. Do keep us updated : )
This is just an observation and I might be in error but I wonder if the reason you don't want a dog is because you are afraid you will surely come to love it and you don't want to become emotionally attached because of the possi ble emotional pain involved with connection to something depending upon you for its existence. You have gone through so much grieving and loss caring for your DW that yoou don't want to open yourself up to posssible pain again. Ir may be too soon for you to be ready for a dog or other companion and you know better than anyone else but you might want to think about why you are adamant in your refusal.
Trisinger, I think you are needing some down time. To have to feed a puppy, take it to the vet, have to board if you want to travel; put in a cage if you want to go somewhere (until they are old enough to leave outside). It is a lot of work. Later, you might want one and you can get your kids to go with you to pick it out. Pets do give us a lot of love and we love them right back!
One of my daughters asked me yesterday - "I know you said no more pets, but could I give my sister (the one who lives with us) a bird for her birthday in two weeks? She could keep it in her room and you wouldn't even know it is there...." I said to please wait until she has her own house. Her room is OVERFULL now with clothes, books, DVDs, etc. and there is no room for even a birdcage!!! She reluctantly agreed. Another crisis averted!
OK, fine, maybe the kids can point to SOME examples where you've been "wrong". Are you ALWAYS wrong?
Ask them what, exactly, they think can and should happen if they forge ahead, and it turns out that THEY are wrong this time. There's a little puppy life hanging in the balance. What happens to it? Are you supposed to be miserable for the rest of the dog's life because your kids wouldn't listen to you? Are you supposed to take the poor dog to the pound, so you can be happy? Are THEY going to take the dog off your hands?
I still don't think ANYONE should choose a pet for someone else. A PET is a very personal thing and for me, in the case of a dog or cat, I want to choose my own, since I am going to have to be responsible for it. Compare to choosing a child for someone else to adopt:::::::lmohr
I understand your thinking imohr, but there are times when it is a wonderful thing to do as well. When I lost my first pup I was devastated, you would have thought I had lost a child. My dad went out and bought me another cocker spaniel. I couldn't have afforded one, and I think he knew it would help heal my broken heart. I loved that dog so much, and all the more because it was a gift from my dad's heart.
But then, did you think that you did NOT want another dog, let alone tell him that? Even when I've been grieving over the loss of one of my darling cats, I've known that I would get myself another when the time was right. And your dad got you the kind of dog he knew you loved, and he knew you couldn't get it for yourself. (How very, very sweet of him.)
Dogs come in all sizes, shapes, and temperaments. Trisinger hasn't had one for 30 years. And often, the best dogs are mutts, and for those, you really do need to pick out for yourself the one that tugs at your heartstrings.
Trisinger, you and your DD/DS are obviously 'in tune' with each others emotions, which can be a good thing. for some reason, they must seem to think you are lonely and need companionship with DW in the NH -and/or maybe possibly preparing the way for you to have some emotional comfort in place if/when DW should deteriorate? a transference of affection so to speak in the lightest of terms of course. alot of people who have seen bereavment seem to think a pet is a good choice to help the pain. on the other hand, i am hoping if you do accept one, you come back here and say how much you adore the critter and how much comfort and uncondional love it gives you...divvi
sunshyne, I do agree that is very true for the average bear. But, yes I had said I didn't want another dog. I swore I would never open my heart to be hurt that way again. My dad must have felt he knew my heart, as he didn't listen to me. I have to say, in this he was right. When I opened the door and saw that lil pup in his arms, I burst into tears. She jumped from my dad's arms and into mine. I have pictures of the day I got her, smiling but with big ol tears running down my checks. She was the most special gift I have ever received, a gift I had not wanted, but loved with all my heart!
But yes, trisinger's case is different as he hasn't had a pup in a very long time, and I had just lost mine. I know your children have your best interest at heart, as I would my own father. I would do just as your daughter has done and point out all the positives. But if he still said no, I would of course respect his choice. I am confident your children will do the same thing :)
Thank you sunshyne, got me all teary eyed, but in a good way. He truly was amazing, my hero. A heart of gold, tough as nails on the outside, but soft as a marshmellow inside!