Dear Sharan*, I happened to reread some of your earlier posts and was very impressed, especially the ones about your husband's spiritual experiences. All of this led me to wonder how you are. I know that you and I joined the site earlier on and that both of us lost our husbands after a long journey. Eric died on Feb. 2, 2011. I'm 84 now and life does go on and still has many joys. I hope that you are well. Even though it is belatedly, I wanted to thank you for the major contribution you made to all of us. God bless. Mary
Oh, Mary, thank you!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!
I still ache so much - not all the time, but often enough. I miss Mike, sure, but mostly I am still healing from the journey. His was such a painful experience to witness. God's tender mercies were the grace that got us all through.
I am so grateful for everyone on Alzheimer's Spouse. You all helped me as much as I helped you. We were and are comrades in arms ... In God's arms and in a battle like no other.
As you said, life goes on and I am doing my best to live fully and to enjoy as many of life's pleasures as I can.
Honestly, I kinda wish I was 84 and not 51. The thought of the long long life I have ahead is sometimes quite daunting. There were times (more than I'd like to admit) when I wish God would decide it's my time to go. I'm not rushing, just willing.
And then ... Like a breath of fresh air, God will sweep in with a precious joy, a special time and purpose for me IN this life that makes me rather glad He didn't take me too seriously.
I have 7 grandkids ... All 6 and under. Mike would have been over the moon! We both love love love kids. I am doing that for both of us now. I sure do miss his help in figuring out what to do or not do ... With just about everything.
I have dated some and have a guy I am seeing now, but he's not likely to be long term. He really doesn't get me at all. I keep trying to be patient, understanding that I can't compare him to Mike. I do my best not to give up on him too soon. Ah well ... One thing I know that I know that I know is that God totally knows what He is doing and He is taking care of me ... Me and you and, well, all us!
Thank you (again) for writing to me! I can't tell put words to how much it meant for you to write.
If you want, if you feel led to do so, you can post my message to you as a kind of PostScript/follow up. My heart is always wide open to you and all of our comrades.
My prayer for you is for God to wrap you in His loving arms, give you peace and love and joy and rest, and to give us time in the hereafter to hug and weep with joy together for we have run the race together and we made it all the way to the end, not the end we wanted, but the end anyway.
Please write back and tell me of some small joys and little victories.
Thank you all for your outpouring of love and support. I want to share something I experienced with my DH (Mike) that I hope will bring you comfort, courage, and strength. On 9-9-2009, God laid it on my heart to ask Mike if he had seen Jesus, angels, or God. I know that people sometimes have such experiences as they approach death. When I asked Mike if he had seen any of these, his answer to each was "no." After a couple of minutes, he said "I did feel God's presence." I asked him to close his eyes and go back to the time that he felt God's presence. After a couple of minutes, I asked him if he could feel what it felt like to be in God's presence. He said "yes." I asked him to tell me what it felt like and he said "light." I asked him what that felt like and he said "light in a spiritual sense of no negativity." I asked him if he felt anything else. He said "loved ... forgiven and loved." I asked him what that felt like and he said "like God is filling him with His love." After a few moments, I asked him if he felt anything else and he said that he felt "like I don't have any burdens." I then asked him if he felt anything else. He said "accepted ... completely accepted." Awed by his description - especially given the depth and breadth of the damage caused by his dementia - I dared to ask one more time "do you feel anything else?" He said "peace." I again asked him what that felt like and he said "an overcoming peace." I was a bit perplexed by the use of the word "overcoming" because it didn't seem to fit and I thought he meant to say "overwhelming," but I was wrong. When I asked him to explain what he meant by an overcoming peace, this is what he said: "the peace that's in this moment, an overcoming peace that overcomes everything else so it is just peace." I have never heard a more apt description of the peace that passes understanding spoken of in the Bible. In case you are wondering how I could remember it so well, I took notes and then converted it into a kind of guided meditation that I used to help Mike feel God's presence at various times between 9-9-2009 and 1-31-2010 when God called him home.
I share this information with you in the hope that you will know that God is also taking care of your loved ones; that even when we cannot reach the heart and soul of our dearest loves to give them comfort and love, God can AND does. I was so blessed to have had the opportunity to witness and be a witness to Mike's experience of being in God's presence despite the ravages of dementia that had stolen our lives, Mike's memories of our lives together while he remained alive and trapped in his body, and so much more ... the more you each know about. Mike's description of what it felt like to be in God's presence to him here on this Earth in his disease-riddled body is amazing in and of itself. I can only imagine how wonderful, powerful, amazing, awesome, and glorious it must feel like to be in God's presence without the limitations imposed by dementia.
What God did for Mike and, frankly, for me through Mike is what God is doing for you and your loved ones ... even now, even as you read this message and wonder why you haven't had this kind of experience or as you reflect on similar experiences that you have had with your loved ones ... no matter, either way, God is with you AND your loved ones and is giving you all love, compassion, tolerance, mercy, forgiveness, and hope (yes ... hope) to strengthen you both for this time and the time to come.
As in the poem entitled "Footprints in the Sand," we all have had and will have times where we ask God "where were you when I needed you?" My message to you echos the message God gave in the poem, my dear sweet child it is at THIS time that God is carrying you, not only you but also your loved ones.
My prayer for you is for God to make His presence so obvious and so tangible to you and to your loved ones that His presence and His love for you cannot be ignored or written off as a happenstance or coincidence so you can KNOW all the way to your toes that God is with you and will never ever ever ever leave you.
Thank you, Mary, for posting my messages and for encouraging me to return, even if only briefly. I know the aches and challenges faced by nearly everyone here and if I can be of any help, any hope, any encouragement, anything to any of you, please feel free to reach out to me.
I can offer hope of the life hereafter and a recommendation for the herenow. Hereafter: there IS a hereafter; there is an end; the end won't kill you (not actually, though it may feel like it at times); joy does return (in fits and spurts at first, but it DOES return); there will come a time when the memories of the battle fade into the background and the memories of the joy, the relationship, the kinship, and the love, the good times and not so good times of "normal" life, they come to the front; and life picks up again. I am not the same as I once was, but I am grateful for who I am. I have a completely different perspective on life than I had before. I have "progressed" to the point where I can and have shared pieces of the journey with friends, released a few more tidbits and chunks of pain and sorrow, and no one has died from it! Sounds silly, I suppose, but I kept having this huge reluctance to share with others (beyond this site) because I felt like they would wilt or cringe or run away or simply roll over and die. It has take a while for me to get here, but I even shared my story (some of it) with my LifeGroup from church. They were all so quiet that I felt like they would get up and run away en masse! But, no, they didn't. Most of them still come to the LifeGroup (its here at my house) so it didn't run them off! Whew!!!
Recommendation: Talk to your DH or HW about your experiences. Don't do like I did. I tried to shield my DH (Mike) from the struggle that I was going through. But he was my "person" and now he isn't here. No one else loves me like he did or understands me like he did. He was the best person in the world to listen, even if he didn't understand, even if it went into the abyss of his memory, it would have been better than it is now. I try to tell others, but they don't understand. When I look back at the experience, I realize I was a little silly when I was worried about sharing my feelings with Mike ... after all, he forgot almost everything! Silly me! Also, even if he DID happen to remember, he would have wanted to be there for me, to provide me whatever comfort he could. SOOOOO ... if you are holding back, my recommendation is to stop holding back and open your heart, including your wounds, to your DH/DW.