Since hubby went into LTC my daughter has been trying to make me change my life to how she wants me to live it....in others words she want me to go in with her on a house and babysitter granddaughter and tell me what to do. So I made up a new permission list to deal with that sort of situation I/we are/may face.
To not let DD guilt me into doing something I don’t really want to do. To stop letting DD blame me for her poor life choices. To not let DD control my life and life choices....I chose what I want to do. To not let DD get her hands on my savings....it is for my retirement and she has already burned me for a fair bit of money. To let DD stand on her own two feet and make a life for herself she loves. To stop rescuing her….she is a big girl and no longer my responsibility. To stop being the babysitter. To give myself the year and more if needed to figure out what I want. To let DD and GD develop their own relationship without me being in the middle. To focus on my cabin and all the things I need to do to be able to live here for the rest of my life...if that's what I chose to do. To save for my trips.
Right on Amber. Quote from my daughter "you don't tell momma what to do" and "I hate to be the one who takes her car keys away". At 86 I'm still the captain of my ship. There may come a day when I need to be less independent and I hope I know when that time comes and except it gracefully. BUT today is not the day.
Amber, I could have written that list! I realize now (17 months after the move to the Heartland) that, since I was completely exhausted and depressed from dealing with DH, I gave DD way too much too soon in terms of money and material goods, and also found that she wanted me to be her rescuer in many ways, and to be the one she verbally and in other ways dumps all her problems on. I was so lonely and isolated that I fed into this stuff way too much. I understand now, and have set some pretty good boundaries with her and other family members. The extended family seems to perceive me as being available for helping them, since I'm stuck home with DH anyway. "To save for my trips": Yes, indeed. Trips that take me to the other side of the ocean from my family! : D
Why is it that our "kids" think we owe them! I am really tired of the thought that I am here to bale them out, all the time. Yes, my parents helped me out, once when I was 20 years old!!!! And the rest of the time I was on my own. My most needy son is almost 40 and there is no end to the help he needs. I have set up boundaries and he finds others to help him. Right now the money I have in the bank is all I have in the world. Until or unless I get a job. So I need to be very careful with it. Also I still have my youngest DD to finish up with. She graduates from high school next week. If I spend any money on a kid, it will be her.
We need to put ourselves first, all the time. Now if we can only follow that thought……
Wolf, you made me laugh yet again : ) Advantages and disadvantages to everything!!!
Amber .....I have two dear daughters. They are both very loving but one of them does try to tell me what to do and sometimes she's pretty far out there. She has a good life and her husband is a great guy and I think he has a lot to do with the way she thinks. She was sometimes a little annoying when I was caring for my dear Helen, But I never doubted her sincerity. I'm sure she always wanted what she thought was best for us. .....I feel great sorrow for you because I know that somewhere you have fond memories and love for your daughter......I think you are doing the best you can do....GeorgieBoy
Amber - that could be me writing that very thing. My DD is so needy - never any end to her needs. Oldest son & wife have told other son they have a room at their house for me! Never, never - their lifestyle is their own and mine is no where near theirs. DD really took advantage of me during the time of dh worst days. I gave her way too much money mostly to just get her away from us. Dumb but those days I was just trying to --- well you guys know what goes on day in and day out just trying to care for him and survive. I've been alone for 1 1/2 yrs. and have learned a whole lot mostly how little I know! Big divide between children because of all I've done for DD. I have no plans of giving up either my car or my home!! I believe my children realize that. Hang in there do what you want -- live your own life. You will know when you want a change.
Boundaries! That is the hardest thing to set with children, family and friends. My kids too they are owed - owed by me and the government. We never thought that way and were not brought up that way. How did the young (and older) adults of today get this way? I don't know but it is a job to keep them away from us. Boundaries - love your list Amber.
I feel I caused my D to be so dependent on me. When she was growing up, I was barely putting food on the table and her dad was no help. I felt bad she didn't have what other kids had so when I got financially able, I gave her too much. Problem was, she was grown, married with D and D C herself. Her DH handles the money and they do okay but she comes to me for all the extras she wants. I now have my DH with ALZ. and it takes a toll emotionally and financially but she still expects the extras. She's somewhat (maybe once a week) helpful to visit my DH, her step father. I've created a monster..........
Carolyn, just a thought: any stepdaughter who visits her stepfather with dementia once a week is pretty decent, in my opinion. Many, many children don't even visit their natural parent. Do you think that your daughter might be open to you telling her the truth? "Sorry I can't help you financially as much as I might like to. Your stepfather's illness is costly and has left me short of money."