I placed my DH a year ago today in a NH.He has adjusted very quickly. Seems happy and I think he likes the attention he gets.(15 men,70 women residents)He is much more contented then when he was at home.I certainly do not feel guilty,when it's necessary you have no choice.I visit almost every day,I also volunteer at the home.I never pity him,always keeping an up beat to my visits. I believe his general health is now better than when he was at home.I know that mine is also better.
When it is time, it will be each caregivers decision of when that is not someone else, unless it's a medical professional saying it's time. You then suck it up and do it.
Do you have caregiver guilt....yes! Does it become less over time...yes!... again how much time is different for each person.
For the most part it is the best decision you can make for yourself and your LO so this disease doesn't claim two victims.
Brightbod, expect to feel guilty because you will. It is a normal part of the placement process I believe. But it does lessen with time. The harder part for me has been moving on with my life-- feeling like a widow but not really a widow. Tough place to be. Once the caregiving is gone, we are left with finding our new life and it is not easy.. I spent so much time raising my children and caring for him that putting myself first is a very new experience for sure. On the bright side, my health is a lot better and his has stabilized. These are positive things.
This is my big issue right now as he is due to be placed by fall and I lose sleep over if Im doing this for him or for me. I know he is not safe left alone, needs help with all activities of daily living, has bowel and urine incontinence, cannot communicate, has behavioral problems etc etc.....and I feel ready. Is it selfish, I am healthy and energetic but getting more tired all the time. The one thing that allows me to do this is....this disease is progressive, so its not like its static. Will I forgive myself...maybe if all goes well and he adjusts ok, I will keep you posted.
Thanks for the wonderful responses, as I have been reading around, a nursing home is a good choice for an Alzheimer’s patient at some point, and also for the caregiver, rejecting outside help can lead to unpleasing results, and what are the qualities of a good nursing home or what are the things to look for when evaluating one? And Abauche please keep us posted, and tell us how things goes.
Ah..you asked the million dollar question. "What are the qualities of a good nursing home?" I have been going around in circles with this and looking into the ones available in my locale. Seems like there is the minimum government standards and ratios 1-10, none of which suit me at all. I want the same quality of care that he gets at home, with 3 shifts of caregivers. Not going to happen. From what I have been able to assess, they are very happy if you come in and provide care in the home.....well, I can do that at my home! In essence, its not putting him in care that causes me stress, but what kind of care he will be getting, that is my issue. I am not looking for glitzy surroundings but loving caregivers, activities, good food, and a staff that listens to me and acts on my recommendations based on my 8 years of experience. Am I asking too much???
Haha, the million dollar question, yep it is! Like you said not actually letting go of them is the problem that makes us worry, but how it will be like in the nursing home, well for sure not like home! I was wondering what if you wanted to take them back home again. Is it possible?
BrightBod, you might consider hiring a geriatric or Alzheimer's case manager. I had a facility picked out, was on a waiting list for 6 months, and then when the time came they said he was "too bad" and as soon as he became incontinent he would have to leave. This place was billed as a dementia unit. I didn't know what to do, but fortunately I was introduced to a case manager who then visited other facilities with me. We had it decided in one day. She worked in the business for 25 years and saw things I would never have thought of. For me, she was well worth the money and a godsend. She also is available to run interference at the facility when problems arise and I have called her a few times. Because she understands the system and is not emotionally invested, she can negotiate the issues with a better resolution and no wounded feelings on either side. Having someone in a facility is a bit like walking a tightrope. You have to be vigilant and attentive, but not too bossy or whiny. You have to know which battles to pick. For the most part the facility is fine but in order to make it work you are the one who has to adjust the most. That said, without placement, I would be dead by now.
Yes, it is possible to bring them back home again if you want. Some members on his site have brought their spouse home when they were in the last stages and had hospice care come in.
BrightBod, keep in mind that many spouses lose cognition and decline after placement (they probably would have at home too), so bringing them home after placement may be more challenging for the caregiver than before they were placed in LTC.
I found it and still do, one of the hardest things I have ever done, but he is doing much better there. I keep a close watch on things and as he is still able to tell me when things don't go right all us good. He has no insight so I have to make sure what he says has actually happened.
As others have said,the hardest thing is for me to live the life as a widow but not being a widow.
There is no such thing as the perfect nursing home. You and maybe other family members will have to be ever watchful.
I join marche’s suggestion of hiring a geriatric care manager to help you evaluate nursing homes. I happened to know a geriatric care manager and asked if I could hire her just for that purpose. I am very glad I did.
We took a tour of a facility that had a good local reputation (a residence for veterans operated by the state). It was more crowded and not as fancy or as well-decorated as the nursing homes where I had gone to visit friends. But the care manger pointed out things to me that I would never have noticed and she asked the admissions director pointed questions about the services and schedules. Afterwards, she explained to me why she thought that place would be better for my husband that a traditional nursing home. If she had not been there I would not have been able to sort out what was important and what was not.
Even though we are broke, hiring her for this limited purpose was money that was well-spent. As in hiring any professional, you should find out first whether the care manger is knowledgeable and experienced, has no conflicts of interest, and has a reputation for making independent judgments.
Myrtle, you bring up a critical point "has no conflict of interest". In our area (North East) some of the geriatric care managers receive "commission" or some type of compensation for having your loved one placed in specific ALF's and nursing homes. Some own home health care companies or are affiliated with them (like they are a supervising nurse), so when they recommend a particular agency for home health care aides/companions, they are also benefiting financially.
I agree that a geriatric care manager can be invaluable in helping to find resources or as you did helping to determine the best LTC facility for your spouse. They are very much worth the money if you find a good one. You can find a certified geriatric care manager at www.caremanager.org.
BTW, for those of you who might use the website "A Place For Mom", be aware that the LTC facilities they refer you to pay THEM to be listed, so it's really not an unbiased referral.
LFL, I am in the Northeast, too and that’s exactly what I had in mind.
I met the care manger I mentioned because she was hired to help find a suitable assisted or independent living situation for someone I know. This care manger refuses to take a referral fee or commission - she instructs the facility to send the money directly to a charity.
What are the "things that I would have never thought of" to check into that the case managers noticed? Knowing that info might help some of us down the road. Just curious.
Hi Aunt B, A lot of them were medical things, which I don't remember. One was whether they were set up to administer IV medications if that became necessary. Another one had to do with why a patient would be sent to the hospital. She also asked about how often the residents were bathed and what kind of dental care they got. Also, what specific activities are offered to people in the dementia unit. I’ll try to remember more.
This care manager puts a lot of emphasis on whether residents are treated as individuals, instead of like pieces of furniture. For example, for practical reasons, some nursing homes line up the residents in wheelchairs and have them looking at the nursing station all day. Others move people around more. She told me that some places encourage their staff to smile at or say hello to residents when they walk by and if possible to call the person by name and say something friendly. These are not things that are included in the government ratings database, “Compare Nursing Homes,” but you can observe them when you visit a place. They make the place feel more like a community than like a bunch of unreated people.
Thank you guys, very helpful information, I never thought of hiring a geriatric care manager to do the work for me, I should take that in consideration, and I as I read your posts and I can see that some of you already put your husbands in the nursing home, When did you feel it’s the right time to put them in a nursing home? And how did you approached this to them?
BrightBod, Like you, I’m new to this site. The reason I joined was to find an answer to your last question: “How do you approach this to them?” There is already a discussion group (or is it called a message board?) on this topic. It’s called “How do I prepare him for the nursing home?”
I found that discussion group/message board to be very helpful. You can find the discussion listed near the bottom of the first page of listings.