There have been a few posts from members that have their LO's in care about what they can/should do with their lives.
I thought we could start a list of the different things we could Give Ourselves Permission to do....sometimes reading it from someone else seems to make it alright.

So I give myself and others permission:

To put yourself first....it's your turn.
To create a new life....how ever you want it to be.
To stay the same life if that is what you want.
To tell yourself you did a GOOD job looking after your LO.
To set boundaries on what you will and will not allow...and keep them.
To visit your LO how often and how long that you chose..... not what others think you should do.
To not allow others tell you what to do.
To not allow others to tell you how you should feel.
To tell the nosey so and so's where to go.....any way that works for you.
To be kind to yourself.
To love yourself.
To love life again.
To laugh.
To find a new love.
To find that you like living on your own and don't want someone in your home.
To make new friends.
To find Joy again.
To spend your money how and on what you want.
To sell or keep your home.
To go back to work and not.
To find your passion again...be it with people or doing things...what ever makes your heart sing.
To stop feeling guilty about your LO's illness....you didn't make it happen.
To stop feeling guilty that your are well.
To stop feeling guilty about anything....you did a GOOD job.
To be selfish....it's our turn now.

Any other permissions I know I've missed a lot.

After 14 years of caregiving, and now having DH home with Hospice services, I am living the sleepless nights, almost 24/7 duties, poop patrols, and the loss of my own physical and mental well-being. I don't even know if I have health problems--I can't get to a doctor to find out! (Hospice is great, but the day-to-day burden is still on me, for the most part.) I have a cousin who is a Protestant clergy person--very frugal and self-denying--and I said to her, "When this is all over, and you see me flying on a first-class ticket to Paris, France, I don't want to hear a word of criticism!" And she said, very uncharacteristically for her, "That is exactly what you should do--you've earned it!"

I too find it interesting as to how we put out needs second, third, or even lower when dealing with this disease. I find I am taking baby steps as to moving on with my life. It is easy to make decisions for him or what he needs or does not need but making decisions for what is best for myself is a whole new ball game. I am finding though that I love the quiet house. Some people have told me that was very difficult but for me it was not. It only took a few weeks and now I find my home a welcome refuge and the quiet is simply Heavenly. I am finding tremendous satisfaction in learning how to fix things. Of course some things I cannot not but there are some things I have done like repairing the screens on my porch that gave me a real sense of accomplishment. Just going to Home Depot getting the screen and following directions on utube was a huge step for me. I am so much better now than I was just a few months ago. I believe as time goes on it will get better still. I still have my moments but they are getting fewer. I am planning a trip out west to visit a friend in October. A year ago I never thought I would ever be able to even think about something like this. Flying is not my favorite thing but I am making myself get out of my comfort zone because I know it will build my confidence to do other things. One day at a time and one step at a time. Does anyone else ever wonder how long until we are truly widows? I do but there is no answer which is why I need to move on and stop thinking about that. I think there was a time when I thought I will move on with my life after he passes but now I know I must move on now and not wait.

Amber great post. I need to print it and read it daily. I need to give my self permission to feel. No one here is allowed to feel but DH. He is the only one going through this. Thank you.

The aide showed up around 11am, so I let her wash up DH while I took my walk. It is astonishing what a difference for the better it makes.

I just spent a lot of time on George's website and also spent more time looking at his Youtube videos while I was feeding DH (and being interrupted to take him to the bathroom, exhort him not to touch the poop, etc., etc.) I feel similar to what you're describing a lot of times, Wolf, but I feel kind of guilty that I can't be more like George in his attitudes. Especially that I'm only 64 right now (DH is 89), and in all actuality, this miserable time (14 years and counting) as an Alzheimers spouse may end soon enough that I can still re-capture what I want to do with my own life. I realize (I think) that I should be maximizing whatever half-way-decent moments I have, instead of sitting around in an exhausted, apathetic funk. I am not normally a depressed person, and am usually stoic, resilient, and even-tempered--but I find myself getting awfully whiny on this site--not sure why I can't just pull up my socks and get with the program…Anyway, I think you should cut yourself a break. Just live your life, enjoy the moments…if you aren't enthusiastic about the "bucket list"…well, so what? Enjoy your coffee, pet the cats…just go with the flow, and don't worry about re-igniting it. I can't make myself feel as positive about the Alzheimers experience as George does, but it does make me feel a lot better that at least one of us on this website isn't totally miserable, and that apparently there is at least a chance for a happier life when the time comes. (Not sure I'm making any sense, but will post anyway. )

Carosi, I can see you flying now and it is a beautiful sight. Over the years you have inspired me with your courage and your determination to live life on your own terms.

Phine to see phranque is oot and aboot.

That's it Carol! Take no prisoners!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll give you giving ourselves permission. When you see yourself getting fat pucker up into the mirror and tell yourself you look MARVELOUS while you open the window and throw the weight scales out the window to rust and when you go to the doctor and he points at your weight point at your smile and say "Yah. But what's this worth????"

You put the raybans on and you go over the cliff. Only way to play. And if you think you don't have what it takes sweetheart, take a look in the rearview. They're all scared of YOU. They're peeing themselves running away for god's sakes and your not. Any questions??? Anyone? Anyone???

Well, I went out to dinner by myself for the first time. Another bucket list item done. It's been almost five years since I went out to dinner with Dianne. A retro diner with 50's music, black and white floor, and shiny plastic seats. I felt almost human among the big family in the corner booth and all the chatter.

I couldn't tell you why that was this hard. I can tell you I know the eggs benedict targets are next. If years go by and I can't figure out how to be happy I'm going to move to Brooklyn (more like little Italy in Toronto) and rent an apartment above an authentic Italian restaurant.

"Who's the old guy at the corner table?"

"What do I know? He's a regular. Live's upstairs."

And while they're talking about me I'll be soaking up the seafood linguinie with my fresh baked bread before I totter off upstairs. Oh yes, I have goals. Life is a banquet on which you feed. Or so I heard.

It was one of the joys in life wasn't it.

I think one of the concepts we need to 'get' is that it takes real time and real things for better feelings to emerge after devastation and so the permissions we give ourselves are within the overall feelings of the powerful things that have happened in our lives.

I'm not suddenly all better because I finally gave myself permission to eat in a restaurant again; but, I am looking for and adding things to what does have some meaning for me as best I can tell.

We don't put a person with actual depression in charge of the office party; but, we do put that same person in charge of fixing our lives so to speak.

We would never go to a professional for help who starts by admitting they're having trouble coping; but, we do try to figure out our lives in varying states of anxiety, depression, grieving, and dispossession.

Giving ourselves permissions in even the smallest ways are all steps that build the believable new reality gradually more to what we are and would like in life.

I could list a bunch of the things I've done but they wouldn't make sense because they're all over the map with the one common thing that I chose them all. Choosing them took time and obtaining them takes time because I'm grossly tired of the shallow end of the pool and I need solidity when I scan the things I believe in. If they aren't real to me then I am in yet another chinese wall of something else that's actually driving my thoughts and feelings.

I've learned to fight the battles, get bloodied, and kill the thing dead. My Xfriends are who they are and our times were what they were and I've listed them all and decided I want the good times remembered and that they stunk during AD. And finally after years of struggling with all this, there is peace here.

There are no empty chairs in my house. I wrote a thing on "the empty chairs" but I can't remember if I posted it on AS. I had two painful empty chairs. One in the den where the TV is and one was the seat beside me in the car. They're chairs now and are drained of pain because I let that pain wash over me again and again. I watched our favourite movies where literally the first times I would break down or turn the TV off and go away. I could feel she wasn't there beside me when I drove. I would look around almost painfully at things because we so often pointed things out. Now I look again and notice things and once in a while I might think "you should be here and see this".

I know I have done these two specfic examples because there is peace in them all in the form of my own efforts at reconciliations which I want to feel. In that same way I also allow non-reconciliations where I don't want them.

Giving ourselves permissions and working to make those genuine in my mind is a path.

Don't let anyone else tell you what you need. Listen but make up your own mind. Understand that I went through pretty much what you describe which is the rooms I don't want to see don't exist even though I walked through them to get other things. Many people don't admit the depths of what they go through thinking it weakens them. I don't agree and I think that stuff matters on the topic of mental and emotional wellness in someone who couldn't possibly be well (any of us). I left my Xmas tree up for four years where I honestly didn't see it the first year and couldn't deal with it the second and down it came the third year I was home alone.

For each person there are things faced and not whether people are distinctly aware of that or not is different for everyone. For me becoming aware of things is necessary to be me but for some their natural manner is more immersive and less analytical. Style doesn't actually matter. Progress does.

Two things here are very important as anchors. While you do nothing else remind yourself of these two anchors. One is that you are already empowered and know how to use it. That is that you have claimed your own space. You've adjusted your bedroom into a bed sitting room which is the safe place - and it is that because you empower that. Don't underestimate claiming things in exactly that manner.

And two. You don't have to do what you don't have to do until you feel ready. You control the timetable except for those things that necessarily must be done like paying bills and eating. If you're not ready to deal with chairs and magazines they wait because you say so.

You do have power and are already using it even though you hurt and feel terrible (I'm guessing here).

Here are some examples of the types of things that can be done to reclaim:

1. Buy some magazines he wouldn't but you might be interested in later. Put them on top of all existing magazines. That's it. Consider one day walking by and grabbing the bottom magazines and putting them in the recycle bin. When you want. Not before.

2. Put things on the chair. A chair with things on it is not an empty chair. If you don't like it afterwards remove it. Put a box of stuff on the chair. Put a stuffed animal on the chair. Turn the chair around. Move your chair closer to the TV so when you sit in it you can't see his. Pull a small table up beside it. Buy fresh flowers or artificial flowers and put them in a vase in that room. Put the box on the couch or your chair instead. Make something change then let it be for a while.

3. Throw something of his out. Try shaving cream or something - not anything he wore. When I first did this I told my best friend I threw some of her things out and as I said it I broke completely down on the phone. But I then threw out her toiletries and then some clothes and then I emptied her bureau. I kept the lacy black garterbelt which is the only thing in that one drawer. Her clothes are all still here pretty much. Because of all the other things I've done one step at a time, I don't think that's going to be as wrenching as it might have been.

4. Add something new to your space. Put the flowers in that room instead. Put the most interesting magazines beside your bed. Possibly get a quilt or bedspread or sheets that are new and something you like. Every time your eyes land on what you changed will be a reinforcement that you can make changes.

5. Change something in the kitchen or bathroom which are more neutral and where you are more invested. Go through your clothes and find some things you might wear. Put them somewhere else on the closet rack and/or in the drawers. Go through your personal drawers and move things or even tidy things. If your socks have always been here, put them there. If you don't like that later put them back.

6. Spend time searching for things you like or might like. If you drink coffee make better coffee. If you drink make the perfect drink. Buy a different brand. Make a different drink. Try a hot cocoa an hour before bedtime. Or a nice herbal tea.

7. Tell everybody to take a hike. Don't do any of this garbage. Walk around with a bedsheet over your head. Sneak up on his stupid chair on all fours and pounce on it. Pile up six pillows and pound them until you can feel the fury coursing through your veins. Walk up the chair with a baseball bat and pound it until you've visibly damaged it. Drop the bat on the floor and leave it all like that for months.

Wow, Wolf
I'm not sure if your post helped Florence, but it certainly rang some bells for me.
Thank you so much for caring about others, and taking the time to try to help.
Some of your suggestions sounded like things I will definitely try. Like you said, I really
do want to find happiness again. Thanks for your kindness.

Wolf, thanks so much for all your very insightful suggestions. I think that sometimes I feel guilt (survivors syndrome, maybe) that he was the one who unfortunately through no fault of his was affected with not only cancer but dementia and I am the survivor still healthy at 81 years old. Does that give me a reason to think that being happy is disloyal? Just thinking too much, maybe. Again, thanks for your answer and do I have your permission to share this with the Grief Share support group I attend. I think especially of a couple of persons that this might help.

Mothert just got back from a trip. Joan had one a while ago. My experiences with the annual long weekend I had was the same. It felt great at times and then I had to go back to the torture and that was hard.

This is brilliant in peeking under the veils about what permission is.

When I was the active caregiver I wanted to be at that annual boys weekend a lot. It has run for 38 years unbroken and with originally eight guys it has a life of it's own. So when I went it was easy to let go and BE there. The last day coming back was always miserable because what I faced was cruel. It was cruel to my wife too but we're talking about our permissions and our feelings and we need to stay on topic.

The reason why it's brilliant is because I can go for long weekends now. I'm free to. My wife has been relatively stable for 2 1/2 years in the nursing home and some crisis coming up over any 3-7 days is nearly zero.

But I haven't earned it. I don't feel the desire. I don't think in terms of getting a break. My life's not that hard anymore. But if I do go and I do have fun then I face what Marche called "reentry syndrome". Which every vacationer everywhere faces. The vacation is over and it's back to work.

Marche also gave Mothert good advice. Imprint how you feel now when you feel good to help later.

I'm going to tell a short story now which I wll write once I post this. I'm doing that because I can see a few people are interested in understanding more about this topic and with a little luck I can manage point-of-view here and help someone through a veil.

Thank you Wolf!

When you frame it this way, it isn't being selfish at all - its continuing to be the same caring person, but instead of caring only for others, one is caring for oneself!

Thank you Bella. I'm just a tool. I discover afterwards.

bqd, that's almost exactly it. You have to add "as well". Instead of only caring for others, one is caring for oneself as well.

And we need a reason. Because of our state where until we get to some kind of even keel, we are still suffering from this disease. If that's not a good enough reason to take healing seriously then we are cruel to ourselves. QED.

When I was a little girl in bed, I asked my Mom for a glass of water, which she brought to me. Then she told me about a woman who wanted a glass of water but did not bother herself to go get it. Later, when someone asked the same woman for a glass of water, she jumped right up to get it. I understood she was telling me to treat myself as well as I'd treat others. Good lesson, but .. sometimes it seems selfish, makes you feel guilty-- and why should that be?

I'm so glad to hear that. There may be some form of reaction because that's the step forward step back kind of thing but once you get the hang of figuring out ways that work and that you can put things back or take your time - it starts to help other steps.