After almost a yr. since my husband died I am still an angry spouse at times. My sister has been the one who's been a thorn in my side. An example: My sister placed our mom in a nursing home even though I felt it was to soon. Earlier my sister and her spouse emptied my parent's barn to be sold or trashed without notifying me, we own our parent's home . We were in the house after mom was placed, packing items in boxes , going through things for charity or what we wanted to keep. We had pretty much finished and I stated the curtains needed to come down before we put the house on the market. The curtains were old, dirty, and been up since the sixties and I thought it would show better without them. My sister said she didn't want to take them down, didn't want people seeing through the window…the house was empty so nothing to see. I didn't really have a problem with what she wanted until she said ," I"M Leaving Them Up!!!! Went through me like a knife, totally implying I had no say in decision making. At the nursing home, we were there visiting, when I noticed when I spoke to my mom in my normal voice she had no trouble hearing me and validated everything I said to her. I was annoyed my sister was talking loud enough the whole wing could hear. I mentioned to my sister mom seemed to hear me in my normal voice, she say's to me, " Do you think I'm talking to loud"? I say, " kind of. My sister starts an arrogant rant about not changing the way she talks to mom and that mom does not hear or understand. I, not wanting to have a confrontation or not being emotionally healthy enough to cope with outbursts, leave the room saying I needed a break. My sister follows me into the hallway , grabs a hold of me and starts yelling she's not walking on eggshells around me….second time she's used that phrase since my husband died. This was a public place, I just kept telling her to stop and she went back into mom's room while I stayed in the lobby waiting to cool down and till she left. As she later left mom's room and passed by me she shouted I could go in now since she was leaving, in front of the nurses station and everyone. Now I don't want to visit mom when she's there and I think she hasn't given the nursing home my info. either so if anything happens, my sister is the one who calls me, don't want to communicate with her. I'm going to give the home my contact number so I can avoid her. Anyway, I am so angry, it's going to be a long time to get rid of these feelings. Rant over…..:(
Good idea to visit when she is not there. If they will do it then by all means have them call you. As for her talking loud, some think older means "can't hear" while for others it gives the a false sense of power/control.
I agree with Charlotte..and have one idea.. your sister may be starting to be hard of hearing..People going deaf tend to talk far louder than they need to speak.
Your sister wants to be in total control of everything to do with your mom and her home...get a lawyer if you have to.
With what you have written I agree with Mimi about getting a lawyer if you have to.
And I would say to your sister next time she is loud "oh my goodness you are so loud...is your hearing going? That's what happens when you get old.".... rub in the getting old thing.
Sorry but what a mean spirit person to treat you and your mom like that.
Charlotte………..false sense of power /control fits her. She seems arrogant when she's talking to me or mom, also doesn't seem to have any sense of grief about mom's situation. She's smug and condescending and once told me she didn't need to walk in my shoes, she was an educated person, pertaining to my husbands FTD. She's never given me any noticeable comfort to me ,in my husband dying. I can't stand being in the same room with her. I've blocked her phone and e-mail because every time she calls or e-mails, she says something to upset me, I'm upset enough without any help from her. I have POA for mom, I just have been busy caring for my husband and I live 45min. away from mom, where my sister lived a mile from her, so she took control. She gave mom's dog away, and it didn't seem to bother her to do that either, no emotions what so ever. I just can't deal with her now, not with the way I'm feeling as far as dealing with grieving my husband, she doesn't seem to acknowledge that at all. She goes around dropping names of people at the nursing home like she's trying to one up me, I have to ask her, " who is so and so. The way she confronts me when I call her out on something she's said or done, makes me out to be the bad guy. I'm really wondering if I'm the one with the problem, seems like some people are hard to tolerate and I'm speaking up now more than I did in the past. Maybe I should just bow out and be her long lost sister, she wouldn't care though, that's what she wants. She called and said I'd be getting some papers from the realtor , she never included me on picking a realtor. I could go on and on about the things she's done in the past, it's just getting so I can't take anymore of this, I'm drained. She also has POA, only after mom and dad made me POA did she go to them and have them add her. Also, my name only was on the deed in the beginning when dad got sick, then she had mom add her on the deed.
Unless she had POA changed, you are still the first in line. As for the deed, anything she does has to have you sign and agree too. When she tries to list it, if you are not ready don't agree.
Also, if you have POA including medical, if she continues upsetting your mom you could go to the supervisor and have her banned from the facility.
I know it is a touchy and painful situation, something you don't need right now. But, to back away I don't think you could live with that or not seeing your mom - could you?
Not backing away but it's going to take all the emotional strength I can muster up in order to walk into mom's room with my sister there or showing up while I'm there. She is not above confronting me in front of an audience….a power move for her, I'm sure. Thank you, Charlotte…it helped to talk to someone.
Just a few thoughts from my own experience dealing with my husband's first family, including his ex-wife: The facility, here in Vancouver, Canada, would not ban his e-wife, even though she upset my husband. In addition, she made scenes in the hallway of the facility, yelling and threatening to call her lawyer (when a care aide locked the door to keep her out). I wasn't there - this was reported to me. The facility's solution was for me to have my lawyer write the ex-wife a letter saying if she visited my husband again, I would call the police and have her removed. If you could visit your mother when you think your sister wouldn't be there, and it is a convenient time for you, go then. I put up a calendar with my visit times on it and asked that others visit when I wasn't there, that it would be less tiring for their father. Then if they came when I was there, I asked them to come back in twenty minutes when I was gone, or another time if I planned to stay later. I usually timed my visits at his mealtime so that I could help him, and I asked the front desk not to take any other reservations, to say, "He already has a guest." This did not always work, rat†y people continue to be ratty people, and I had to develop a thick hide. I tried to keep my focus on "what is best for my husband" and then I tried to make that happen. The biggest mistake I made at the beginning was to let them intimidate me. The most positive thing I did was to go to a lawyer and get guardianship. In your case, it would be to find out your legal rights. Maybe others could advise whether it would be best to go to an elder lawyer.
I went through a similar situation after my parents died within a 1.5 of each other. I contacted an attorney who advised I should sue my sister for what was legally mine. I chose not to.
Can you perhaps get your sister aside privately somewhere outside of the nursing home and talk to her about how the both of you should handle your mother's affairs? Tell her that you're both dealing with the changes and understand how difficult it is for each of you. In my situation my sister felt like she had carried the "burden" of caring for my Dad after my mother died and was angry because I was living 2 state's away. Your sister may be angry that you were not able to be involved and provide the level of support for your mother she thought you should while you were caregiving for your husband.
I would consult an attorney so you know what your options are...then decide what if any action you want to take. My guess is if it comes to a legal battle, your relationship with your sister will likely be irreparably damaged. Only you can decide if it's worth it.
Years ago I actually sued a horse thief. I won the case & he called and wanted me to wait for the money with all kinds of excuses. I said, 'sure, I understand' then I called my attorney and said, "get the money today, ASAP." Never spoke to the horse thief again. I knew he'd string me along and I avoided conflicts then--and even more so after having gone thru AD. Know what your bottom line is that you really want, don't get involved in all sorts of side issues. From what you've written, I'd advise you not to engage with your sister, it will only mess up your days and you still need to put your DH's death in its proper perspective in your life. That's number one. Get an attorney and let him take her blows. Now, it depends on your relationship with your sister, how important it is in your life today, and that is your decision. Negative people are not good for anyone to be around, but you have to decide. Good luck.
Wolf, been there done that. Yes, the sister has always been like that and yes Hoosier hates conflict. and yes, the Vikings will take over because they can, and yes, when the Vikings think they are winning, they intensify just in case the non-Viking thinks they can do a full-on attack. Vikings want to pillage and plunder, destroy and win at all costs.
Your options are good ones and only hoosier can decide what she has the fortitude and stomach for. Each decision has consequences.
Hoosier, I've ben thinking a lot about your situation and about all the good advice you've been given. However, I'm left with this thought. Why not let it go? You surely deserve to recoup from your many years of caregiving your husband. You are still grieving your husband's death. Let your sister do what she wants - she's going to anyway - and be glad that you don't have to step into yet another caregiving role with your mother. Whatever sibling problems you've had with her in the past need to be ignored. If you can't do that on your own, I would suggest you go to a counsellor. Now is your chance to free yourself. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING MORE BUT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Please, please don't take on another source of grief. Of the three of you - your mother, your sister, and you - you will be the most hurt unless you remove yourself from the situation.
My sister has taken on her husband's personality, he's a 6'8" bully. I think she's asserting control because she isn't able to in her own home, just been pondering lots of whys in all this mess, that's what keeps popping up in my head. I went to see mom today, when I thought my sister was still at church, took my POA with me and had them make a copy for their files. My name was never put on the call list it seems, but my niece, my sister's daughter was. Anyway, stayed during lunch then found a cousin of my dad's who's a resident there, thought mom would like to know a family member was there with her. My sister shows up, seems annoyed I'd taken the initiative of hooking them up for a chat. I excused myself and left but everyone is right, I will let it go, I need time to heal, and can't , won't ,battle anyone, just tired. One thing, when I re-treat, I re-treat, incasing myself in my own private surroundings, avoiding, and that will send her another negative message…..can't win no matter what I do. I feel at peace after all your replies, giving me strength to be me. Oh, one more little annoying tidbit. Mom's roommate told me to sign the erase board so my sister would know who visited my mom……yeah right. Now she's got the roommate giving orders…..Sheesh!
As long as she can't screw you out of what is rightfully yours and you'er ok with everything then put it all in her hands and let her have the legal headaches. Your right maybe because she has no power in her own home she has become a bully in your mom care....it's too bad. This is a time families should come together not be torn apart.
Good for you, Hoosier! Now you deserve a special treat - how about a new book, or special yarn if you're a knitter, or some French soap? Close the door on your retreat and be kind to yourself. It's time. The world will go on without you while you heal. Much love.
Hoosier, you could be telling my story, except that my DH is still at home with me, and its my father, not my mother, that is in a home. My sister has always had a tendency to bully, but she too has taken on her husbands personality - he is also a 250 lb, 6 foot gorilla. She lives 12 miles from me, but doesn't give me the time of day. She gets angry, I get hurt. I hate conflict. So I am learning to pretend my sister doesn't even exist. I used to worry about her, but I have enough on my plate. She has POA over Dad. Dad is well looked after where he is, and I can only visit him when all the planets and stars are aligned. His estate is protected. I am learning to just let it all go - I need to look after myself.
bqd………my sympathies. Yes, you have enough on your plate and what bothers me so much is that the empathy is missing in these sisters. I understand the visiting times alignment too, went through that when my hb was living. My hb and I used to drop by my sister's house to visit and see if they wanted to go eat…nope! too early, not hungry, too late, etc. We've asked them to movies, they went once in 46yrs. We did Christmas every other yr. , when it was her turn, she always forgot, bailed, etc. I made cookies for a family reunion, she took one, immediately said " These are wonderful, who made them? I hesitated, was just going to make her wonder, but owned up at confessed. The look on her face was disappointment, she had accidentally complimented me, and there it is! LFL, my sister is 18mo. younger.
Thanks hoosier for your kind words. Now LFL, you are not going to believe this, but my sister is 17 months (and one day) younger than me. That is pretty close to the 18 months younger that hoosier's sister is! My sister learned at an early age how to get everything she wanted, by making a fuss. And, her choice of husband was the only one (there were 3 of us) of whom my parents approved! And even though I am now dealing with my DH and his dementia, I would never trade my life for my sister's life. I have always been able to enjoy a certain level of independence in our marriage, could think my own thoughts, and do what I enjoyed doing, either with my DH or independently. My sister has never had that freedom because of the man she married. And, my DH does not want to spend time with either one of them. So even in his fog, my DH understands the bad vibes coming from that direction, and wants to steer clear. This speaks volumes to me, and reinforces my decision to ignore their existence.
So now, LFL, I want to know why you asked the question. Do you have a theory? Do you have sisters? I haven't, just brothers, and I know that's very different. Tell all, please.
Yes Mary, I HAD a theory....I thought the sisters were OLDER. From my own personal experience and from my observations over the years, it is usually the oldest child (doesn't matter what sex) that is bossy, controlling, uncompromising and tries to dictate the lives of their younger siblings. That is certainly true in my case, even today and I think it's worse when there are 2 siblings of the same sex (I only have the one older sister).
So if the older sibling is uncompromising, the younger one usually learns that you need a different approach and tends to be less openly confrontational and generally opposed to outward conflict. That's how it was in our family until I finally at age 33, decided that I wasn't going to be the "good" sister and grew a backbone. So much for that theory.
I have two sisters - one older and one younger and I'm the middle one. The younger one (4 yrs) was a spoiled brat at a kid and ruled the roost. When she said jump and our folks jumped and how asked high. She is pushing 70 now and she hasn't changed iota. My older sister and I were meek and mild and didn't grow backbones until we were in our late 20s when we both finally got out of abusive marriages.
LFL, I have a nurse friend from back in nurses's training day, such a good nurse, take-charge, people skills, everything going for her: energy, health, good looks, capable, an outstanding leader. When she got to her 80's and developed a number of health problems, her two much younger sisters took charge of her in a most destructive way - her money and property. They tried to abuse her both mentally and emotionally, and though my friend stood up for herself, they were relentless. Fortunately, she's still very bright and had her doctor and nurse friends to intervene. Trying to figure out what was going on, I thought that maybe the two younger sisters viewed my friend as a mother-authority figure, and it was their way to claim their independence. A sister relationship must be difficult in many ways. The lack of sisters, and the fact that there was only one other girl who lived in the small coastal village where I lived, was one of the motivating factors why I went into nurses's training. To be suddenly living with 360 other young women in a large city was an eye-opener. I found it easier - at least more familiar - when I was back home visiting on vacation with my brothers. It was like I had to learn an entirely new way of dealing with people to try to get along with my sister-nurses. I don't go to any of our reunions - I don't want to be reminded.
I should add here, I hope I didn't offend ANYONE - no matter what birth order they're in. That was certainly not my intent, so please, please, please forgive me if I have offended anyone in any way.
I guess my question was in part based on a study one of my father's medical school colleagues conducted several years ago on birth order and how it affects personality and relationships. I happened to meet her several years ago now at one of their reunions and she was discussing the topic with my sister (the elder). Basically the study found that birth order does make a difference and that the attributes you would suspect from the oldest child were generally true - independent, risk taking, wanting to control the other children in the family, etc. She said a lot has to do with how couples parent a first child - no other children to divide the attention, new at parenting so often "push" the child to succeed, etc.
Interestingly she also said that two children in the same birth order (oldest, youngest) should not marry each other because there is innate conflict...both of the people who are the oldest children will vie for control in the marriage and dominance; the youngest children will be happy to have the other take the lead and control.
My sister always says "you know we oldest children are, always wanting to control everything". We laugh about it now, but that doesn't mean we still don't struggle with her control issues and my asserting my independence.
edited to add: if you do a quick google search on birth order and personality, it basically says there's no scientific evidence supporting my post above and in fact some of the "theories" stated are incorrect. So it goes to show you, we are who we're born to be, no matter what place we hold in the family.
Very interesting, and very true in many cases, I think. I was especially intrigued to read, " two children in the same birth order (oldest, youngest) should not marry each other because there is innate conflict...both of the people who are the oldest children will vie for control in the marriage and dominance; the youngest children will be happy to have the other take the lead and control." That explains a lot in past relationships. ('m the oldest in the second wave of children in the family.)
I walked away from siblings 20 years ago and refuse to get involved in all the scrapping and gossip. I have found that I am at peace with my decision and enjoy my life without all the conflict. They are just so cruel to each other. I am the youngest of eight and was always bossed around and Criticized not matter what I did.
I feel that it is not my job on this earth to judge them and tried to keep an open mind and to remember that we are all different. My family didn't speak to me for 5 years because I walked away from a not so good marriage and walked into a marriage with a wonderful man, Kevan.
They ended up loving Kevan but I never heard anyone say sorry or you did the right thing.
I still refuse to visit with them as it will never change. It goes from one generation to the next.
"you know we oldest children are, always wanting to control everything". My wife fits that description, especially with the dementia. While she has always gotten along well with the middle sister, the relationship with the youngest is strained and is probably my wife's fault. The youngest says that my wife always criticized her and I believe it. Even then Her youngest sister provides more support and many siblings from what I read. But my wife feels that the youngest two have a bond that she lacks with them. It is worse now since her health limits her ability to participate with her younger sisters.
I feel my relationship with my sister will always be the same…………wounded. Don't interpret the reasons I give as self-centered or any other negative, just my observation. As a child, I remember people commenting on my appearance, so cute etc. My sister would be there also but was noticeably ( at least by me) left out on the complimentary comments. I became embarrassed when people noticed me and actually dreaded the oncoming comment sure to come. My dad took me hunting, fishing, target shooting, don't think he ever took my sister, maybe she didn't want to go, I don't know, but I think he never asked her. When I met my husband, he turned out to live in the town where our mother grew up, so grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins ended up being in my life again after yrs. of living in another county away from them. We started our marriage in a good way while my sister ended up pregnant and giving the child up for adoption. Long story, but some sad jealousy going on there, but she ended up marrying, having two children, and becoming a nurse and life seem to turn around for her. Old wounds never heal completely especially when they are deep rooted. I say black, she says white, just my evaluation. She once told me I had never been a sister to her, guess stopping by, invites to the movies don't count. After 66yrs. , and still not able to get it right, not going to happen.
I thought at one time that my relationship with my sister was pretty good, particularly when we both had small children. But according to my sister, I have never done anything for her (I guess living with us for 3 weeks while her husband recovered from heart surgery, and living with us again for two months while they were building their house doesn't count). Well, she is now getting what she has thought all along, because I will not do anything to help her anymore as she constantly turns whatever favor I have done and puts a negative spin on it. I don't need her anger, or her negative attitude to life, and since she has chosen not to offer me any support, I choose to ignore her existence. Sad. but that's the way it is.
Guess it's more common than I thought. I feel sad for everyone going through a painful relationship with members of their family. Having gone through slowly loosing my husband and coming out of it without comforting visits or phone calls from some family members, I know I can get through anything by my little ole self…….A lesson I can use but a painful one too. I would have liked my sister to say, " If you need me to walk on eggshells around you, I will, until you say, no more ,I'm ok. Wish I could tell her that without loosing it.