I miss the woman she was, but she can't bath, dress, take her medecine, walks with a walker, can't talk where I understand her except occassionally. I have her in an Altheimers unit. I miss the love and romance I had but I am still married to her. It is no one's fault she is as she is, but my life is the pits. Suggestions?
Well,Jack, I am in the same boat with my husband, but he is still home. He is on the wail list and think it will be fall when he is placed. I miss it all too and my life is the pits also. There is no suggestions other than to get on with life as you want it to be. We cannot fix the disease and we only have one life to live. We have to be there for them at the same time but they no fill the role of a spouse the way we want it to be. Losing someone to death can be easier than this ongoing loss and responsibility that we live with. Doing the right thing is personal and heart wrenching. Im sure she would want you to live the life you want and be there for her at the same time.
Jack - your life as you knew it is over and now it is time to create your new life....you get decide what it will look like. My hubby has been in LTC for over 7 months now and I am really working hard to find "ME" again. There are good days and bad days but I am determine not to let this disease claim 2 lives and you must be a survivor too.
I will echo abauche when she says "I'm sure she would want you to live the life you want and be there for her at the same time". Making sure she has good care but not stop living your new life any more.
Hey Jack, I concur with amber. I placed my husband 9 months ago and although it has not been easy I am just now starting to take baby steps to my new life. I have not figured out what it will be but I know it will be different from the life I had. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I never realized how much the care taking was taking out of me and how much of my life I was giving to it until I placed him. It does leave a void and it is up to us to fill it. I decided to fly to Phoenix in the fall to visit a friend. This is a huge step for me. It has taken me 9 months to begin to feel less burdened by his care but when I visit him I am often pulled back into the whole thing again. We cannot save them but we can save ourselves. Make a list of some things you want to do. Some of them do not need to cost a lot of money. But things you would just like to do and start doing them. That is what I did and it helped me move off first base.
Excellent suggestion by CO2. My wife has been in asssisted living for 9 months now and after a recent pity party/bout of depression I made myself a "to Do" list. Slowly but surely I'm now getting to those items and receive wonderful satsifaction each time I can cross another item off of my list. I'm also going through each room in the house and making it my own. I've already made one huge donation of my wife's clothing and as I go through each room I'm setting aside more things for my next donation. Amber and abauche gave you good advice!
Jack, you've started 2 discussions on exactly the same subject. And there is no right answer. We're all in limbo between being single and being married. No one can tell you what's right for you. Some people would say suck it up and live up to the old "sickness and in health" vow you made, and others would say do what you need to do to survive. No guidebook or roadmap as to how to manage life with an ALZ spouse. People will offer all kinds of criteria as to when it's ok to establish new relationships. Some will advocate platonic relationships but I'm not thinking that's what you're looking for. I've tackled the same dilemma, and reached a decision that I can live with, and whatever is right for me may not be right for anyone else. It's obvious where you're head's at. I think it's just a question of opportunity.
Jack, I placed my wife of 60 years in a memory unit last August and moved into an independent apartment in the same unit. I get to see her almost every day, usually to help her eat, and eat with others in the main dining room, so I get some mental stimulation. I now have time to take courses in senior college, attend book clubs, poetry sessions, etc. and be a bit more active in Rotary. None of this takes the place of the close relationship we had, which I miss very much. But it gives me the chance to be with others and see her regularly. I just got back from taking her to a hand-bell concert in our building which she seemed to enjoy. We each do what is needed to maintain some degree of sanity. Fortunately, my children are very supportive. My daughter just went home after being here for a week. If you want to communicate by e-mail, my address is in my profile.