Yesterday I went to visit Kevan and as soon as I walked in I knew he was not good. He was sitting in a chair in the lobby waiting for me. I thought at first that he was upset because I was 5 min late. That happens often now. It took some time but I final found out that he doesn't think he should be there. He feels that he is the the only one there that has no illness and that he can't live with me but he thinks he would be better alone in an apartment. Then he kept grabbing my hand and sitting right out against me. If he could have sat on my knee he would have. He was nearly crying and telling me how much he misses me. After I left I spoke with our daughter and she thought he may be getting depressed. I had called our son and he called his Dad and they had a nice talk and he said Kevan was laughing and joking with him. Our Daughter said she thinks he is only like the sad guy with me. He never behaves like that with the children. Just me. I called his nurse and she was sending someone to speak with him. I wonder if he thinks he can talk me into taking him home. He keeps wanting to come and help me with things that need to be done but he can't do them anymore and then it takes weeks for him to get settled down again at the Manor. It just breaks my heart to see him like this. I believe he is going into a depression. He is having so much trouble with his memory now. I wonder if he will remember me by Christmas? He wasn't able to remember his grandsons a month ago. He also seems to be frightened of something now and I don't know what.
Oh Jazzy, this has been such an emotionally difficult journey for you and Kevan, I'm so sorry your facing another challenge.
I think your daughter may be right...they certainly do know our weak spots and how to manipulate us and yes, he could be getting depressed. I know how painful it is for you to watch him like this but I don't think bringing him home is the answer for either of you and you know he can't live alone in an apartment. Perhaps the doctor should see him and assess him for depression.
One of the biggest challenges with having a young spouse with dementia is that they are often the highest functioning people in the care facility and they know it. When Rich was in the memory facility, all the other residents were significantly older and much further along in their disease. It was heartbreaking to watch him bright and alert sitting among people with pull-ups on and so disoriented. He would go to each resident and hold their hands and tell them it would be all right. He "eloped" after 2 weeks there and I knew I would not put him back into a facility until he was much further along.
Jazzy, don't let HIS depression rub off on you. He knows how to pull your strings still, and you have to be strong. You are doing what is best for both of you. Maybe his doctor can prescribe something to help him. AND, I wouldn't tell him the TIME you are coming, because that does put an extra strain on both of you. Someday time will have no meaning for him, and his memory of you will cease. Those times will be even harder than this is. This is stressful. What is coming is heartbreaking. You have to stand firm for both of you. You can do it. (((((((HUGS)))))))
I've have seen people tell tales about how unhappy there spouse was when they visited them in LTC, but when they are gone the spouse is happy. This may or may not be the case.
He may not be manipulative. When with you he may think about certain things when you are present or he knows you are coming. But given his entire thing of wanting to move and insisting that you move too and that you not interfere with his activities, sounds like he has been demanding for a long time. (And I hope I have the story straight).
My wife is almost the youngest person at her ALF and among the most cognitive. Unhappy most of the time, though does better when her food demands are met. I am looking at other places for her but no way will she be in a suite with an oven or burners or where people aren't keeping track of her. Which means that some of issues can't be fixed (no one her age).
As to him having depression, very possible. Both changes to the brain itself and his recognition that he is losing abilities. Some things at the ALF might upset him, such as the rate people die. He is realizing he has lost control of so much of his life and wants to keep or make whatever control he can.
My wife does visit the house on occasion but keeps on talking about coming home and doing chores. No, she can't do it, even if just from the perspective of her endurance (or lack of it). So I think this is common. She doesn't remember what she was not able to do when she was last living at home and the problems we had.
Jazzy - maybe time for fiblets. When he say he wants to go home to help with things tell him it is all taken care of. Maybe something like thanking him for his hard work you were able to get it all done. Or something like that.
LFL's and paulc's posts bring back memories, all of them challenging, to say the least. He, too, was by far the youngest in both the rehab and ALF. His age contributed to how difficult it was to find an ALF for him, although it was not the only factor.
He was angry in each facility. He did not lash out physically (or threaten violence), but verbally. Toward the staff and other patients he expressed confusion but he also spoke with sarcasm and impatience. He mostly remembered me by name and/or relationship. During my visits he would tell me when to leave and not exactly nicely.
He would also state, with determination, "when you leave I will go with you". It hit me while reading your topic that maybe he was telling me to go assuming I would take him. Or maybe he was telling me to leave as a way of projecting his anger. Maybe both; maybe neither.
My husband was a vegetarian for years for ethical reasons, although he ate meat probably until his late 20's. This had been noted on hospital records. Starting in rehab and continuing through ALF he ate in a dining room. He expressed interest in eating meat even though it had to be cut in small pieces. Initially there was hesitation in serving it to him, which made him angry, and as POA I was called. My thoughts were that he had so little pleasure and so little control that if he wanted to eat meat, so be it. I don't know if he was reverting back to his earlier life or seeking some control. paulc's comments made me think of this when I haven't in quite some time. I still feel self doubt about it.
I was advised, again starting in rehab and continuing in the ALF to bring things to him to remind him of his past; his identity. At rehab, rooms could not be modified, but I brought in photos of past trips that he had really enjoyed- photos that included him. This was not good. His anger increased.
Later, in ALF I continued to follow this by adding some favorite art pieces, as well as framed diplomas, certificates and such to his room. The director said this would be good for him and good for the staff- "to personalize him". I even added a photo of him with a famous person which got attention from the staff, yes, but I wonder if these things did anything positive for him.
Anyway, dear Jazzy, anger while our loved ones are in placement is a subject that still resonates with me. Now that I think of it, not only his anger, frustration and confusion, but mine too.