It is a year this month that my DH entered the NH.I've kept everything in our home the same as when he was home. He was a collector of "THINGS".Loved yard sales.I really don't mind.I like my home the way it is. My family think it is time to clean out.But I don't think I am ready for that.Am I wrong? I do want to clean out the clothing he no longer needs, but that is the extent of my thinking right now. Please ,your input on how long you waited. Thanks.
I really wish people, though caring, would just let us work this out in our own time and our own way. I know they mean well but we have to make changes only when we are ready. Don't let anyone push you into something you are not ready to do.
yhouniey, I agree, do what you want when you want. Only you know when it's right for you. we all move at our own pace. It's very difficult to get rid of "things" that have meaning for us and not to other people.
Lol. Seriously yhouniey perhaps people are trying to be helpful or perhaps they're stupid and thoughtless but you are the one who knows how you feel and it is entirely up to you to decide when if ever to change things.
I started moving articles of clothing my DH would not ever wear again to a different closet last year and hes late stages. out of sight out of mind so to speak. I think it will be easier to remove them later after the loss is less evident. but everyone moves at their own pace.
My DH has been in placement for a year now. I'm alone in this big house filled with his "stuff" from mid 70's and my "really good stuff" added in the mid 90's. I'm not a person who likes a lot of things lying around so it feels like the house is filled with junk.
However, I started to get rid of clothes & shoes my DH would never wear again and it just about destroyed me. I felt like I was erasing him from my life. My heart constantly aches with the loss of him so his things remind me of him and although that is very small comfort, it helps a bit.
I have put some things in the basement and that is as far as they are going until I feel good and ready to purge both of our excess things from this home. Our kids have all told me that they will help me clean out the house, but I flat out told them NO. This is my journey and I'll deal with it myself in my own time. I'm sure they mean well, but they want me to move on and I just cannot move anywhere. This grieving is so damn difficult.
This is a tough one. I purged a lot of DH's old 1970's junk when we made the out-of-state move, but I was down-sizing in all categories, so it didn't feel like I was being insensitive or "erasing" him. (Good word, Fiona.) Now that I know he will never again wear certain clothing or read certain books, I feel like I could get rid of them, but I can't quite bring myself to do it. ( Like his Knights of Columbus regalia. It used to mean so much to be in the Color Corps and all that.) We have a couple of big boxes of photos from his side of the family, and after pulling a few of the best and most personal for him, I think I will pass the rest along to his surviving sister. (Age 91.) She will want them, I know, and her daughter will help her go through them. (DH has no surviving children.)
agree with everyone. It's strictly your call. I don't NEED the cupboard space and my wife is still here in the NH.
I've thrown out most of the cosmetics, perfumes, lipsticks, and so on and her little baskets of women's bathroom knick-knacks. I've emptied her dresser and commode of most of her underthings and slips and scarves and purses and more little handbags than you can shake a stick at. But I do these things on days I look in somewhere and feel like it's time.
My sister can't throw out our mother's stuff and her kids' stuff which they've already said they don't want. It's because she's not throwing things out. She's going down memory lane. If we want to go down memory lane then we should open up a box and have some fun. When I throw her clothes out I'm making three piles. Newish things in great shape which go to Salvation Army and worn stuff that's going to third world or garbage and some things like a couple of my favorite dresses and suits I'm keeping in my cupboard hung beside my own things.
Help your family to understand by saying you want to do these things at your own pace and thanks for trying to help me.
yhouniey - there's a much deeper aspect to this. Look around and you will see the place is actually full of things you picked, he picked, she picked, or you all picked together. The objective to get rid of their 'things' is false because it's really just clothing and personal effects we're talking about. The vase my wife bought remains.
I think when we understand that better, we also understand this is psychological. It's important too.
If seeing something of theirs is painful, put it away or throw it out. If it feels comforting, give it a place. I laundered one of my old t-shirts Dianne had used as a nightie sometimes and reclaimed it. So I go places wearing her nightie. It's psychological that we keep his hammer and we keep her soapdish and we keep his scarf we keep our spouse's knickknack. It's us that doesn't see those like 'their's'. The more we're aware we get to choose what and when, the more empowered we are to do with it exactly what we want - including waiting until we know what we want.
One day I'm in the kitchen and I realize I don't know why I keep those plates there so I change it to suit what I do better. That's the way I want to do it.
When Kevan decided to go into LTC, he chose to get rid of everything that was his except for those things he took to the LTC with him. The only thing I have of his is a sweater" cardigan" I made years ago. I made one for each of us. I look around and there is nothing of him here in our home. Just me and it is so sad. It's like he was never here. Don't be so quick to clean house!! You'll know when it's time for you!!
The last year or so of DH life, I started going through his things. (DH was a pack rat, saved so many nonsense items.) It gave me time to think as I went through them. I had the kids come over and find the items that they wanted. I have kept some special items, things that were meaningful to him and things we bought together. I have a little bit in each room. I still have his bath robe, sweater, and the tshirt he had on when he passed. I don't know why I am keeping it. They are all hanging in the closet right now.
Some people keep to much, some nothing, we can only know what is right for ourselves.
I was struggling with how to handle all my husband's clothes and treasured possessions, and am so grateful to find this thread. He's been in memory care and now a nursing home (long and painful story) since early May and it's just now mid July. Since the kids moved out two decades ago, he's used the walk-in closet in our bedroom and I took over the upstairs closets and bathroom. He's not coming home again, so it just makes sense for me to move my things downstairs and his up. I finally started doing that last week and it is killing me. I have been able to sort out some things I know he'll never wear again and I've got a box going for charity, but I FEEL LIKE A TRAITOR!!!! If I mention that to anyone here in my life, they think they need to explain to me why that is not so and how I need to accept the situation and how hard it was for them to clear out after their mother died..... I am so glad to come here where I can say it and the answer I get from you is "I understand." I must add that the most reassuring thing anyone has said was when one of my sons said, "Mom, it's easier to do it now than it will be to do it later." That's not quite true, but it is in regard to the fact that now I can sort....don't have to do it all at once.
My dh ended his journey almost 2 years ago and I still haven't completely given away all his things. I found it easier to give when I knew they went to a charity. Shoes to "soles for souls" and coats to a church that gave them away to those without and finally the clothes to a yard sale for local missions. This took awhile to get to this. A friend sold the workshop tools and lumber - I wouldn't have a clue as to how to price those things. Still have bookcases full of his books - probably be thrashed as no value and no interest in old Geographics and other outdated technical books. Tears came with every step as the memories flooded in of those days when these things were bought. Go slow, no hurry and lean in to the grief of what you're loosing are my thoughts as I read your post.
My husband has gained back a little weight in the nursing home, and decided when the weather was cool that he wanted to wear flannel shirts again now that it was someone's job to help him get dressed. So I'm glad I didn't get rid of some of the clothes that I thought he wouldn't need.
Circumstances permitting, take the time you need, and deal with the cleaning out/ disposal on your own terms.
I was I a different situation. DH went into the hospital and then to a NH at the same time our house went into a Short Sale. I had to keep on top of his care, while sorting, packing,and apartment hunting. With a Short Sale you have to be out at the closing. Suddenly I was signing a lease, and moving, downsizing from 29 years in a 2 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment. Yes--it felt like I was erasing him. There was no space where I moved for all his stuff. Essentially it all boiled down to 4 places for everything to be directed into. My daughter's storage unit; my apartment; Goodwlll; and trash. Much of it was split second decisions. When he passed, there were his belongings at the NH. A few pictures, a radio and phone, tv and stand, and clothing and personal care items. The few things I still have are really only keepsakes, and several of those will go to my Daughter. One dumb thing I have sitting here is a new baseball cap with the wording on it----"Don't forget my SENIOR DISCOUNT!" He wore out his first one, but never wore this one. I won't wear it, but I can't get rid of it and I can't put it away. So it sits on a shelf by the computer.
This is a part of our journey and it really is best that we do it in our own way. I wish I'd had more choice in how I had to do it. The key though, is that we do it.
My house is not large. It has adequate closet and storage space and there is an attached garage. But, there is no attic or basement.
About three weeks after my husband's death a friend said that she would come over and help me "get everything cleaned out" (!) Well, no, thank you very much. My mother was also a strong advocate of this and unlike her usual MO even offered to hire a service to accomplish this. Like Hoarders, I guess. This felt wrong every which way too.
A charity my husband and I supported sends a truck around every month. They really only take what they can resell in their fund raising store. So, maybe almost a year ago I promised myself that I would put out something for them each month. It has felt really good. During the last years of his illness suits were not a priority but those he had were good quality and well cared for. They were the first to be donated followed by other clothing. So many books! And so many places want them, which was a surprise to me.
Most of his ties were gifts from me and I have kept some. Likewise for maybe a dozen t-shirts from travels and his beloved Yankees. I have had the most difficult time with work related things. Personal artwork from his office was chosen by both of us and easy to integrate into my house. But the framed degrees, certificates, etc. are emotionally loaded for me. They remain in the crate in the garage.
yhouniey, it is nobody's timetable but yours. When deciding some of these issues I think "I can do it later, but once done, it can't be undone". My only advice is to trust yourself and be your own best friend.
yhouniey - do you have family or close friends who would want something that is his? I'm thinking of things I can give to my children and grandchildren that belonged to Frank. Each of them have different interests so I'm trying to get something of his that might be meaningful for each. Just a thought. And as many have said there is no rush on any of this unless there is an imminent move for you.
My husband had a garage full of machines and tools, most of them our son took. The things I cannot get rid of from the garage are the countless handwritten charts, notes and graphs he made over the years. Otherwise, when someone helps me clean out the garage, I always say, 'just toss it, don't show it to me, don't ask if I want to keep it.' So some things I never saw got tossed and I don't miss any of them.
My sister's husband died suddenly and I think his clothes were out of the house and donated before the funeral was over. But she was 'a place for everything and everything in its place' person. With AD we know for years what will happen and I just left his clothes hanging in the closet for--oh, I don't remember how long, years I guess. Neither of us had a lot of clothes, there was plenty of room. Little by little, tho, they went here and there, but a coat and a shirt still remain--and will remain. You could say I've moved on, I have a gentleman friend, a good life, but I can no more cut the ties for my DH than I could for my parents.
jhouniey, I don't know exactly who your 'family' is, children, siblings, whoever. But you can gently explain that you appreciate their concern, but you are in charge of your life and, at this time, you do not feel any urge to clean things out. You'll know if and when the time comes. It's your choice, your decision and, for now, you are content with the way things are. Please, don't nag me, I know what is best for me.
my husband is in memory care. he has attached himself to a woman he thinks is me. when I first put him in all he did was look for me until this woman. when I visit it confuses him but he then transfers back to me. when I leave he goes back to her like I never left. I don't know if I should stop visiting and let him be to go into his own world thinking I'm there. if I do that I feel I will lose him for good and he will never know me again. I can't bear the thought , I am having a difficult time believing this is even happened to us. I am thinking of taking him out and at the same time I know I have got to go on with my life, without him. I am torn as what to do...rg
(((rpg))) Sorry for this pain too along with the fight with stepkids.
I don't know if Sandra Day O'Conner ever wrote about her husband, but I remember it was the same with her. He found someone there and she had to deal with the emotions. I know she did say she was happy that he had found happiness in his world. Her son made this comment one time: "For Mom to visit when he's happy … visiting with his girlfriend, sitting on the porch swing holding hands," was a relief after a painful period,"
It hurts but I guess maybe it will be easier if we can be happy for the person they are now, not the person we are married to.
rpg, so sorry for all your troubles. I believe if my husband is ever placed in memory care that he too will find someone in the facility to pair up with. It will break my heart, I know that for sure. I would not be as emotionally generous (to use abby's* phrase) as Sandra Day O'Connor and her family.
It's just another emotional blow we have to deal with. I wish I could give you better advice but only you know what is best for you. I doubt brining him home is the best answer.
He might not be looking for a substitute you if he had not been so very happy in marriage with you. In a twisted way, it is a compliment.
rpg, taking him out is probably not the answer. Since his mind is broken, the only thing that can change is the way you think about this. Begin by acknowledging that he misses you very much and is reaching out to someone he thinks might be you. He is in a very frightening place in his mind where there is chaos and confusion and he needs an anchor from the past, only he is mixing up the images of past and present. If this keeps him calm, that is a good thing. To paraphrase what Charlotte said about Sandra Day O'Conner: it was a relief that he was happy after a painful period.
A few sessions with a therapist might help you reframe your thinking which will help with the hurt, and help you decide how much you want to visit. Perhaps you could ask the staff to separate him before you come to visit just to spare you the visual.
I have found that over time I have adjusted to aspects of this disease that I thought I never could manage. Adaptability and flexibility become our strongest allies.
"Adaptability and flexibility become our strongest allies". So very, very true. DH was only in the NH 13 days before he passed away. He never responded to me during the entire time, but did respond, smile and talked a little to one aide who was wonderful with him. I observed his seemingly happiness when she would come into his room. I was happy to see him happy in his own little world.
Shortly after I placed my DH he took up with a lady patient he introduced to everyone as 'My wife, Betty Lee.' This told me that he wanted to be married to me, that he loved me and, in his way, he created the life he wanted to live--at least with my spirit. She also played the part and made him happy. When I visited, he'd smile at me and give the same loving smile to the staff that was taking care of him. It broke my heart to leave him alone in a strange place with strangers all around him, it had to be frightening. But I was glad and happy for him that he adjusted to it all, he deserved any positive feelings he could have. We talk about the caregiver 'moving on' but when they are placed, they have to 'move on' too, to make a new life for themselves if possible. For that, I was grateful.
rpg, So sorry for this emotional pain you are going through. Two weeks after my DH was placed in an ALF a new patient arrived after her DH caregiver passed away. Although she was 78 and DH was 66 she immediately claimed my DH as her husband. She was really possessive of him. She gave the staff fits by taking his personal belongings and hiding them in her room. Since my DH was nonverbal they would walk the hall holding hands, sit on the living room sofa together and eat their meals at the same dining room table. DH did not mind and would walk with her, CNA's and volunteers while holding hands. When I would visit I just told her a fiblet. I told her I was his sister and since she knew that he loved to walk I wanted to take him outside to walk. After convincing her that I would bring him back in a little while she was agreeable. I just tried to practice what I preach by not trying to reason with an ALZ patient. I thought handling it that way was less stressful for her and for me. At that time, 3+ years ago, I was all stressed out. About 2 months later my DH became her brother in her ALZ world. All of us accept things differently and I hope this will all work out for you to be at peace. I agree with the others that bringing him home is probably not the best solution.
as difficult as It is to see them form a new relationship with someone else, I think its a wise person that can see its making them happy and adjusting to a very new situation. we the rational must try to see that their happiness not ours must become the priority. I know that is not an easy endeavor. I would also be devastated in the beginning, but try to see an alternate scenario-as if they were crying scared and not adjusting. we would then be relieved to see them have company and content.