Though George has been gone for 2 years now, I am not able to take off my wedding and engagement rings; and I was wondering how many of you who have lost your spouses are still wearing theirs? I guess it's a combination of reasons for me... I feel that I am remembering our love for each other, and it makes me feel secure in a way to continue wearing them; and they are beautiful rings that we picked out together.
I wear mine, two of them. My first wedding ring came from Avon. LOL Not much money then, still have it, then bought a white gold one. And years later found a slim gold band. For years I was unable to wear them as my fingers swelled. When I gave up my paper route that stopped. So from that day on I have been wearing both the white gold and gold rings one on each hand. I don't know when I will take them off. I miss my DH so much. I know he was a hard person to love, but he was mine and I was his. We were one. I like the thought of "remembering our love for each other".
It's been 5 years now. I did take off my engagement ring but still wear my wedding ring. I'm not interested in dating or remarrying. It is a personal decision though. My sister removed her rings almost immediately after my BIL passed and several other friends have done the same.
I took off my engagement ring a couple years ago when I had to do so much for DH and it would get caught on something. By the time he passed away, I had lost weight and my finger shrunk - couldn't keep my wedding ring on most of the time. However, I did manage to wear it mostly until he died. Then I took his ring, my band and my engagement ring to the jeweler and had them entwine them all together on a slider which is beautiful. I love it.
Do what you feel like and when you feel like it. There's no right or wrong here.
I only wore mine about half our marriage because I was working in restaurants (cooked). Having your hands always in soaping water did not go well with rings. Hb always took his off at work so it wouldn't get caught in the presses but put it back on as he left work. About 3 years ago I noticed it hanging by his bed where it has been ever since. I am not one that likes jewelry so I took mine off and have not worn it since. I will admit there have been a rare occasion where I wanted it on, but that quickly passed. My gold band was stolen years ago when our house was broken into by a neighbor boy. It was the only thing we didn't get back. If i still had it I might wear it but the diamond set he got me I have never liked. I am weird - I don't see the beauty in diamonds - would rather a fiery opal or blue sapphire, and the diamond gets caught on things all the time.
The first year after Frank died I wore his ring as well as mine. This ring is not the original as that one is too small and had been in safety box at bank until recently. The one(s) I wear now are welded together as the engagement ring kept sliding upside down. We bought these on our 40th anniversary. Not much money when we got married but I treasure that first ring because of all the memories. I don't plan or not wearing my ring. I don't wear much jewelry but this is special to me.
When my husband was in early/mid stages of AD, I started having disturbing anxiety episodes as I was drifting off to sleep, where I'd think someone was taking my rings off me and stealing them, which would cause me to wake all the way up in a bit of a panic. At which point, still somewhat fogged, I would take them off and put them away where they were "safer."
I feel certain it was a subconscious analogy way of expressing my distress over the disappearing relationship.
We can all be so different in what comforts us, and how we handle grief. For me, clinging to the identity I had as part of what had been a beautiful marriage made me feel like Miss Havisham (you'd have to have read Great Expectations,) so I did not put them back on after that. I remained an attentive, devoted caregiver, but could not view myself as part of a couple anymore.
We didn't have much money when we married but he bought me a five stone diamond ring for our fortieth and last March he bought the past, present and future ring that matched the five stone. He took me to his favourite restaurant " MacDonald's" and knelt down and asked me to marry him, he asked the manager to take pictures. It was unexpected and lovely. We had just gone through a period where he had insisted I remove my wedding ring. At this time I can't see myself removing my rings, but you just never know what the future will bring. It's whatever is best for each of us. No set rules?
Yes, Jazzy, he could have. And, he'll forget that he's asked you again - but you won't know when..and that is okay now because you know and you'll remember for both of you...
I wear my ring - it's been almost 3 years now since he died. This ring is not my original engagement/wedding ring set. We were college students when we got engaged and married, and he said that when we could afford it, he would get me a bigger diamond (my ring had five hearts with five tiny stones in them). Well, four kids later, the money went to raising them and family vacations (which I preferred over jewelry and I was sentimentally attached to my rings). After the children grew up and it was just the two of us, my mother passed away, and her then ring, which Dad had given her on their 20th anniversary and had a large diamond setting, became mine. We went to the jeweler, and I had her stone made into a unique new ring for me, and we called it my new wedding ring. I never take it off. It reminds me of my parents and my husband, and all the love they gave me.
Oh Mary that is such a beautiful story!! Thanks for sharing it.
I was just talking to him, he called to say good morning and I love you, but when he tried to tell me what his plans were for today, he couldn't remember what the place was where you come into the residence. It was lobby. So many things are not coming to him, but he remembers, for now to call and say good morning and sometime goodnight. I'm happy that he is saying I love you right now because most times he is angry with me about something. He is often testy and short tempered. Right now it's good.
I never had a diamond engagement ring. He said he would get me one when we could afford it. We married while I was still in college. Later there was always something else we needed more. After my mother died in 1976 my Dad gave me her diamond ring and I wore it with my wedding band until about 10 years ago. For our 45th anniversary he took me to a jewelry store and bought me a very nice diamond ring. Our 55th anniversary is June 2nd. Right now I don't plan to take it off after he is gone but of course life happens and I might change my mind.
I'm not a jewelry wearer, my engagement ring has been in the safe deposit box for many years. I took off my wedding ring fairly early after my husband was diagnosed. I was feeling the loss of partnership, and he had some medical procedures where he would squeeze my hand, which could be painful if I was wearing a ring. He never commented on my no longer wearing my ring, but I think he lost his around the same time.
My engagement and wedding rings were welded together several years after we were married. In recent years, my hands began to swell in the evening, and a few years ago I began taking my rings off when that happened. My DH moved to a Memory Care unit in September and, about the same time, I lost my rings. I remember taking them off and laying them down somewhere. It wasn't where I usually put them. I know I thought that I needed to remember where they were. Well, I don't. I haven't seen them since. I don't know if I put them away so well I can't find them, or if they somehow ended up in the trash. I keep hoping I'll find them. It still feels odd for them to not be on my finger.
I removed my rings a few months after Paul died. I had worn them day and night for over 50 years and I kept feeling for the rings that were no longer there, but I have never again worn a ring on my ring finger. I had the diamond reset into a new white gold setting, which is my preference now, and wear it on my right hand ring finger, but not all the time. Right now I mainly wear a cocktail ring my new friend gave me on that hand. It has small black diamonds and is not an expensive ring but I get a lot of compliments on it. He enjoys that I wear it and enjoys buying me inexpensive costume jewelry and since I love all jewelry, I love that.
When we married I was in my "traditional" phase, so I have a solitaire engagement ring and a plain gold band. I wore them for years and one day I saw a "combo" ring- a solitaire on a wide band and Rich bought that for me. I wear it all the time and have my engagement ring and wedding band in a safe deposit box.
Every time I look at the "new" ring, I view it as a recommitment of our love...he bought it for me about 2 years before he was diagnosed with FTD. Right now I can't imagine being without it, but who knows what the future will bring? I just know it gives me (and him) immense pleasure to wear it (he proudly says "I gave you that beautiful ring") so it will stay on indefinitely. It is one of the last "things" that he knows ties us together.
I don't wear the diamonds anymore, but I wear a gold band with "Lloyd & Linda" engraved on the outside. He had one that said "Linda & Lloyd", but lost it after the weight loss.
I came across this discussion by accident. I don’t have an engagement ring – only a gold wedding band. My husband has one, too. Neither of us has ever been a sentimental person and we were not sentimental about the rings – he rarely wore his and I only wore mine when I dressed for business or to go to a social event. I certainly never saw my ring as a symbol of our love – only as something that society had established as a symbol of marriage.
Now that he is in LTC, I make it a point to wear the ring on whenever I visit him. I want to make it clear that I’m his wife, especially since people sometimes mistake me for his daughter due to the 19-year difference in our ages.
Now, in his befuddled state, it’s not clear that at any given time, he knows what our relationship is. Wife, girlfriend, sister, mother? But last week when I visited, he pointed to the ring and said, “That means me.”
I wear my rings usually when I go out of the house, but in the house I leave them off, because they just get in the way of all the things I need to do. My wedding band is an old family ring from DH's side, and my diamond solitaire engagement ring was purchased new, specially for me. It isn't huge, but it's respectable (not that DH and I care about stuff like that anyway), and I just like the way the rings look, and the happy memories they bring. I don't see them as a symbol of our burning love---lol---but they carry a good vibe. I will probably keep wearing them after he's gone, and doubt that I would take them off unless somehow I end up in a new relationship. That is as likely as flying to the planet Neptune on a paper airplane.
I hadn't worn my wedding ring in years because I had gained so much weight. I had been wearing the ring my DH had custom made for me on our first anniversary from stones left to him by an aunt (diamonds and a natural blue sapphire). But last fall I was able to wear my wedding band again, so I put it back on, and wear it and the anniversary ring as a set. The only time they come off is when I need to take them off for medical tests or surgery :-) I can't get my engagement ring over my knuckle, which is a shame, because I have always loved it - 4 emeralds and a diamond. I suppose I could wear it on a pinky finger, but I really am not one to wear jewelry.
I don't expect to end up in a new relationship after my DH is gone. I certainly won't be going out looking for one, so the rings can remain!
75, I check in once in awhile,car shows and yard work keep me out of trouble,hope your doing well and your past "troubles" have been settled,we all should be enjoying the time we have left
Yes, all the paper work dealing with the troubles is settled, and I have discarded all the files etc. It is a great relief to put it all behind me. Now I have just the good memories left, and, as you say, can enjoy the rest of the time I have left. But the dawg - how is the creature? Still on the green bean diet?
Bella, I agree with everybody else that you do what is right for you and makes you comfortable. I had no choice because after Kathryn passed I found that three rings were missing along with some cheap jewelry. One was her wedding ring, my wedding ring and my Father's 32 degree masonic ring. What you might consider some day if you decide to date again is wearing them on your other hand. No respectable man would approach any woman wearing rings on her ring finger on her left hand. I know I sure would not.
Even though I do not have my wedding rings anymore I have an entire house I have not been able to take furniture out off because it was Kathryn's and she loved collecting it and it made her so happy. It is all very old and probably worth a great deal but it sits there in our house doing nothing unused any more. I moved to another house we had that is much smaller. an antique person wanted to price it all for me and possibly buy it all but I just couldn't let them do it. It would felt to me like a stranger would have been putting a price on Kathryn's life.
Any way my point is that some of us keep stuff (one kind or another) and some of us wear our rings. I think there is no wrong.
Gord has been gone for 2 years and 8 months. My rings remain firmly on my hand and I can't imagine ever taking them off. When Gord was in rehab for a few months, he lost a lot of weight. His wedding ring which had been resized, became too big. Sadly, I didn't realize how big. Shortly after he returned home, I noticed his ring was gone. All departments at the hospital were notified but the ring was never returned. I wish that I still had it. I bought it for him on our 25th anniversary and had it inscribed, " grow old along with me." For our 26th anniversary, I bought him a gold dog tag on a chain. It was inscribed, " the best is yet to be." Sadly, neither came true but I wear the dog tag constantly. I wish somebody had returned his ring.
Hi Dazed, I read your question and found this thread, so I'm bringing it to the top for you.
My own thought is that you should do what feels right. Rings are just symbols; like all symbols, they should not be mistaken for the real thing. In this case, the real thing was love, devotion, and commitment. You have already demonstrated those qualities. But if the symbol is important to you or if wearing the ring feels like the right thing to do, then wear it. I would not get too worried about what to do; you can try it out both ways an decide.
My husband just died on March 30th and a friend has already asked me why I still wear the ring. I was so taken aback - I have never considered not wearing it. I told her I'll take it off when George Clooney realizes his mistake, divorces his wife, and gives me a new ring.
It's hard for me to imagine taking it off, I still feel so married.
My grandmother wore her ring for her whole life after she was widowed at age 44. My mother wore her ring for ten years after my dad died, and only took it off when she and my stepdad went to the jewelry store to buy her new wedding ring from him. I have not quite figured out what I want to do. Sometimes I wear my wedding set…sometimes only the band…sometimes neither, for practical reasons. (Dishwashing, playing the harp, pulling weeds, etc.)
I had his wedding ring, my engagement and band intertwined and it fits over a slider that I wear as a necklace. It's beautiful and I will always cherish it.
My DH and I were free spirits back in 1974 when we married. We ended up with silver puzzle rings. If you take these off they fall apart if you are not careful. I never got the hang of putting mine back together. He always put it back together for me. It will stay on my finger as I don't want it to fall apart like everything else now.
Not sure why, but I moved my engagement ring to my right ring finger, next to a family ring that has my children's, DH and my birthstones on it...I still wear my wedding band on my left hand and will until I'm ready to take it off. But I really like what you did, Vickie, and may do that someday:)
Nine months later I am still wearing my wedding band and my diamond. The diamond was not an engagement ring. We were too poor to afford one at the time. After my mother died I wore her small diamond with my wedding band. Ron bought the diamond I have now about 12 years ago. I am thinking of having it mounted in a cocktail ring and wearing it on my other hand.
during my times dealing with incontinence, I took mine off for practical reasons. I was always having my hands in cleaning fluids:) it became oddly familiar not to wear any rings then. I wore it rarely. I also admit it was probably my own personal psychoanalytical way of preparation for the life I am now in the after, trying to find my way in a single life, like the rest of those before me.
OK, today I did it. I went to a special event at the jewelry store. They had a 1 day special event where they brought in hundreds of settings for rings. I found a nice setting for a cocktail ring and had my diamond set in it. I spent more money than I planned but I figured it was my birthday present to myself. I'm worth it. :-)
I have no worn a ring in years except for off/on. I cooked for a number of years in fast food restaurants so my hands were constantly in dish water or jobs where wearing a ring would not be safe. Around 1990 our house was broken into by a neighbor kids. We got everything back - we thought. Turns out he took my gold band that we were married with. It was probably in the suitcase he put all the stuff in except the TV and the police did not notice it. I do have a diamond set with antiquing that hb bought me for our 5th but I never liked it much. I always told him if he wanted to get me a ring, get one with opals or blue sappire but he did not. I did wear it on my days off and after I quit those jobs, but then I gained too much weight and it no longer fit. I thought of having it resized but didn't want to spend the money cause it didn't mean that much to me. I do miss my gold band though. HB took his off a few years ago after diagnosis.
Mary, I did the same thing with my rings from my first marriage, a special resetting event at a very good jewelry store, found the perfect setting and have been wearing it for years, usually on the other hand. DH and I just had simple gold bands, so those are put away in the jewelry box.