I won't go into “how the marriage was “ as looking back a lot of it was probably Early Onset.Not expecting to be exonerated or absolved of guilt by anyone here and trust me there is a lot of guilt,just hope maybe someone else who sees this may find it useful or a learning experience.I thank you for the opportunity to try and put my thoughts into words ,still a little raw and emotional,so I apologize if it seems a little confused(welcome to my life)I wish I had found this site back in January of 2103 and could have dealt with things better perhaps?
I was/am married for almost 17yrs(She was 61 and I am 13 yrs her junior.)my wife was diagnosed with Dementia last Mar-Apr 2013 ,but looking back she experienced signs years earlier.It wasn't until she was placed in a Care home,and I did some research, I could see this though. Some Family members asked if we needed anything,but most didn't say they saw an issue until after her daughter (from a previous marriage)and I agreed she needed to go into care .I admit I am still angry with most of them for this.
Driving home from work in January ,I realized I just couldn't keep living like I was. I haven't seen this term used here,but I felt “defeated “,her daughter used the term trapped,but that doesn't quite describe it IMO .I started going to the occasional get together with coworkers after work,taking some me time,if you will.She was still able to do most of her daily activities except drive,(she would get lost and blame it on new road construction),but didn't “miss” me when I wasn't there.Eventually ,my “me time” was spent online in computer/car forums and chatting with friends and coworkers online,as I felt bad about not being home .At some point I realized I was getting emotionally attached outside my marriage with the chats.I knew I couldn't go back to how I felt in January,but I also couldn't cheat on my wife either(and still haven't beyond those chats). I had a long talk with her daughter and explained the situation.All she said was we needed to get her Mom help and whatever else didn't matter at that point.
Trying to get someone under 65 assessed ,at least in British Columbia, was a struggle .She was finally assessed and when the Dr. said ,he was “ surprised by how advanced the condition was ,she couldn't draw a clock face,I was both saddened and relieved that someone else saw what I had been seeing for so long and thought I was the only one.Each step of the process would see the practioner skeptical,but then advance her quickly through the process. The whole process seemed to speed up her deterioration ,even with in home support ,she was losing weight etc...In June 2013 she was place in a Care home ,close to her daughter.I would visit on my days off work ,as I worked 100km away.After one outing ,where I took her to get new glasses ,the Admin of the care home pulled me aside and said when the glasses came I could just drop them off at the Nurses station.I guess it was obvious how I was accepting/dealing with things,by this point she didn't recognize me as her husband ,I was her brother.
People around me were having a pretty lousy year, in August 2013 my brother passed away of a heartattack(he was 5yrs older than me).I stopped going to visit her after that,she was happy the last few times ,but she just kept telling me she'd never seen me smile and it was true by then.
In December an opportunity presented itself ,where I would move to Alberta for work and I took it.I told her daughter I was leaving the area,she seemed surprised ,but I believe she understood and asked me keep in touch.So here I am by myself, 1500km from where I spent most of my life, and I am trying to start over ,if that is even possible.
Sorry you did not find us sooner because this site probably would have helped you a lot.
I am surprised that a nurse would tell you you didn't need to visit because she no longer knows who you are.
We all make our decisions as to how we deal with this horrible disease. I do hope your new job works out for you and you are able to find some peace and happiness where you are. Best of luck.
The nurse/administrator didn't see or hear how we interacted, I think she just saw how poorly I was doing and was trying to make it easier for/on me?and not looking to be happy,just not unhappy .
Norman, no judgments here as Charlotte says we all make our own decisions on how to best deal with this disease and our loved ones.
You are not alone...most of us if we're being honest probably went through some difficult times in our marriages before our spouses were diagnosed with dementia. I know we certainly did...my husband became someone I didn't know and did things I would never believed he was capable of. In fact, I was getting ready to divorce him when we got the diagnosis when he was 58. Even though I now had a reason for his behavior, it didn't make it any less emotional to deal with.
Many of us lose friends and family while caregiving for a spouse with dementia, it's just how it goes. and yes it makes us angry.
Good luck in the new job/location. If it doesn't work out, you can always go back, if you want to.
Norman - It is such a tough road we all have been/are on. She is placed and getting good care plus she has her daughter to watch out for her. Do you have a representation Agreement Section 9 signed by your wife? It sure made my life easier....I'm in BC too and in my fifties. So what I write next is how I feel about my spouse in care and what I will do with the rest of my life and you do it too.
Now you have done your best GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE and make it a GOOD LIFE!!! Do NOT feel guilty and do NOT let this disease claim 2 lives!!! If you find someone else go and explore the relationship, your wife is a wife in name only now. You are not being unfaithful.
Have fun in Fort Mac!!! I'm guessing that's where you've gone.
good luck in your new location and job Norman. nobody walks in our shoes so we each must make our own personal decisions. many here have had starts of new lives and find happiness again. best of luck divvi