In this month's Coastal Living magazine, they had a list of 99 fun things (one per day) to do this summer. That started me thinking. I am a serious list maker from way back, for all kinds of things. Years ago, when we thought DH might lose his job and we would have to move, I worried and stewed, and then sat down and made a list of dozens of things I would need to do if that happened. (This was before a diagnosis, but when I knew that whatever got done would be up to me.) Sure enough, he lost his job, but instead of trying to think of things to do during a time of stress, I just picked up the list and started doing things. It helped a lot. Actually, it made the difference between being frozen in fear and actually getting things done.
Now I'm working on a list of 99 things to do after DH is placed. I've been afraid for a long time that when he is placed, I will come home and sit down—and not get up again. Sort of like a clock that wound down, and there's nobody left to wind it up again. I know that I will feel like a train hit me when he is gone. But this list—or call it a plan, which sounds better—I think might help me get going again. Right now I have 29 days worth of items, including: order pizza to be delivered, order a dvd, take a shower until the water runs cold, bake a cake, spend the day in pajamas, and reread a favorite book. (There are also days that say things like "take a nap".) This sounds sort of like the "fortune cookie" method of getting myself going, but I'm not going to have supportive friends and family who will call or visit to check on me, so it's pretty much up to me.
I would really like to know, from those of you who have been though this: do you think this might help? Do you have any suggestions of things that helped you, or things that didn't help? I would really appreciate your input.
P.S. I've been working on this list off and on all afternoon, and just hit 121 things, with no duplicates. It makes me more optimistic just to see the list. I think I'm going to start on some of them now, instead of "someday". It appears that I have a very large backlog of fun/interesting/just for me things to do.
Jan, I think your idea is great. I was one of those people who, when I placed my DH, came home & just sat. I was not depressed or feeling guilty, I just felt empty. Even today, it's oftentimes too much to focus on anything other than him. Socializing with people is exhausting and I cannot drum up any enthusiasm for anything.
If I followed your idea of a list/plan, it would ensure that I would accomplish something productive or positive each day. I believe that would do wonders for my mood and outlook on life and my future. So, I'm going to borrow your idea and make my list now, which I will follow strictly for 2 weeks .... then for the next 2 weeks .... etc. Thank you for a great idea!
Jan- My children did an "intervention" with me a year before my husband died. They knew they were loosing dad but didn't want to loose me. I like running and exercising so my daughter suggested going on line and looking at various groups on "Meetup.com". I found a wonderful running group most are singles of different ages. I have several "married" friends but felt like I needed to create a new life for myself. I've truly enjoy my new friends in my running group and have gone to several social events with them. One suggested I go with her and another friend to Paris next year.
While I still greive the loss of my best friend I know I must start my new life without him. I'm an introvert but have forced myself to venture out alone and make new friends. They're are so many things to do out there.
Remember caregiving is perhaps the most difficult thing you will ever have to do. After you place him reward yourself and live life to the fullest.
I like the idea of lists but I found after I placed him I did sit for a while but I can see that my days are beginning to fall into a routine that I find ok for now. I find I enjoy very simple mundane things since he is placed--going for a walk alone, having quiet prayer time in the morning without interruption, coming and going without worrying about him, I would like to meet some new people and the meet up idea is a great idea. I will look into that. Thanks for the good ideas. I find that having a daily routine helps me but it did take a while as I always thought I needed to be visiting him but now it feels like his visits are just part of my routine and does not feel so burdensome.
What a wonderful idea. Thank you for sharing it with us. After Sid's placement, I was too mentally, physically, and emotionally spent to make any lists or even have any idea what to put on it. It took 7 months for me to rest, heal, and recharge my batteries, but now I am ready to say -give me a pen and let me get started on that list.
I had a conversation with a former therapist who said the most important thing is not to isolate myself after placing my husband. I ended up joining a dating site saying I was looking just for friends at this point and it actually has worked to find friends. I felt like so many people I know have lives that are already full--a dating site was one way to find the people who are looking for more in their lives.
For your list you might consider: go to a farmers market and buy something you have never cooked before (my discovery is Sorrel and next I am trying nettles) find a place to buy eggs from local chickens that spend their days outdoors if you have a yard plant a fruit tree or bush (maybe blueberries or if you are south of Washington DC I recommend a fig tree) buy essential oil fragrances you like: I have an unglazed pottery disk I can hang from my headboard to get the scent as I am falling asleep buy tea bags or bulk tea for your preferred kind of chai tea and make it yourself with real milk or coconut milk or other nondairy milk
I echo the comments Jan. Excellent idea. I also really applaud you thinking ahead like this. After my husband was placed, I was simply so wrecked...it has taken me a long time to feel like I can start to do some things for me. I am going to start my list today. I am a list person and it will be fun to cross off activities completed. Thank you for a truly inspiring idea.
For the list - Get a pedicure--often! Go to tai chi or yoga - start at the most basic level, do only what you can during the sessions and watch your energy increase and you body tone.
I live in a major city with endless advantages and things to do. Right now I'm taking Spanish at the senior center--just for fun. I think it's much harder if you're more isolated, it's easier in the city, but don't wait for someone to come to you. No one will, you have to do it yourself and that's not always easy. I didn't rush out, at first my body said 'sleep, sleep, sleep.' Don't need a list for THAT! It takes time.
I bought a guitar today and signed up for lessons. This has been on my bucket list for over 40 years. Now that I have some free time, I'm forcing myself to commit to learning so that I can bring it to the ALF to share music with my husband. The lessons ensure that it does not just sit in a corner collecting dust.
When I was a teenager I taught myself to play the guitar but only notes. My fingers were too short to reach around for the cords. Plus, I gave it up due to not liking sore finger tips!