Now don't get me wrong I would take back my old life with a well hubby in a heart beat but that isn't to be so I must make the best of it.
I like going to bed and getting up when I want to...except on work days but even those days I'm up before the alarm. I like eating what I want when I want to. I like coming and going when I want to. I like making plans with only me to consult. I like making plans to change my yard to how I will like it. I like being able to organize my home to suit me...ie I have my Pilate bench in the middle of my living room and the kitchen table has paper work and my computer on it. I like doing house work as much or little as I feel like it. If I don't feel like making my bed or doing the dishes right now who cares it's only me. I like socializing with who, when, where and as much as I want and not having to be polite to hubby friends spouses that I may not hit it off with. I like if I want a "nothing" day I can.
I know there are more "I likes" but that's all I can think of right now.
I still have my husband with me but I like your list of 'likes'.
For me I would add have girlfriends. I love watching Golden Girls because since marrying almost 43 years I have not had girlfriends or if I did there was not the freedom to hang out with them except at Women's Retreats. I would love to have a group of women friends, maybe sharing a home, to hang out with but also have the freedom to go out with a man if I wanted. But to be honest I am so weird that finding women I can really be honest with, feel connected to may not be possible.
I like that I can stay in my pjs all day. At least until 10 mins before DD gets home from school. I get dressed so she does not know that I have been in my pjs all day : ) I like that I can clean the house at all hours of the night. I can bath and groom the dogs all hours of the night. I can fall asleep, and then wake up at 2am and start watching tv again. I like that I can go shopping anytime I want.
I am almost alone. DD is graduating in June from HS and getting married in Aug. That will be the first time I have been alone. I sort of like it. I miss my DH. I still talk to him. But am doing better and finding myself slowly.
I have been blessed through the years. I have girlfriends, both married and single. Some long term, 25+ years. DH never minded me going out with my friends. We never had any couple friends.
Hey wolf have you asked your cat(s)! No wonder he/she is hanging by the window. LET ME OUT!!!! btw that's one of mine too.
blue I'm in my pj's too
I like that I can shower when and how often that I want to and don't have to shave if I don't feel like it. I like that the money in the bank stays the same no dipping by hubby and not telling me. I like that I can save a lot of money now for traveling...no hubby having expenses or things that have to be bought. I like that my fridge is full of veg and fruit and I can now eat an almost vegan diet without have to cook meat for hubby. I like that I can repair things and learning more all the time...just wait till I get the log splitter out and start splitting firewood...LOOK OUT! I like that I can use power tools and machinery and not have hubby tell me I can't it's his turf.
I like I can stay in bed for as long as I want. I like I can engage in social media in my pjs until noon. I like that I can lay in a hot bath not worrying about something happening to my husband. I like I can read and write for as long as I want without any interruptions. I like that I got a cat again. I like that spring is here and I can garden the way I want. I like that the old wall to wall was finally pulled up and the wood flooring that had been in the garage for years is finally laid. I like having girlfriends now and belonging to a book club. I like this thread of focusing on some positives to come out of this horrid disease.
Thanks for starting this thread, Amber. So many things all of you have listed, I would love to do. Can't do any of them now with full time caregiving. It's good to know that it's not all tears and anguish after they are gone or placed. We will grieve for what was but will survive and move on.
I thought I'd relish living alone when my DW passed away, only to find when faced with it I really hated it.!!! After a marriage of 53 years which was described in a Eulogy, between two of the happiest co-dependents ever, I can assure you that I did not enjoy talking to the empty side of bed or the vacant passenger seat. I hated being alone. I had been married since we were 19 & 17 and had dated from the age of 14 & 16, I'd never been alone and didn't like it one bit!
I wanted another life partner, and set about testing the waters high and low until one night my date and I just went "CLICK" call it perfect chemistry or whatever, but we knew after the first ten minutes together this was it for both of us.
Now I've got the best of both worlds my condo on the beach kept exactly as I chose to maintain it and my girlfriend's private lake front home complete with screened in back porch equipped with a barbeque grill, out door kitchen and two person hot tub just 20 min away. Her home is hers and is kept exactly as she wants. Where our days and nights are spent are governed by a complex set of circumstances, her tennis matches, bridge games, Pilates classes, etc. all most of which take place before I'm ready to get out of bed and they serve to maintain her 70yr old size 2 perfect figure.
My schedule is dominated by my volunteer work with both Hospice and Alzheimer's Assoc. My work can place me anywhere within a 40 mile radius. Depending on where I'll be the next AM or where I'll be finishing up in the PM adds to the scheduling issues.
My cleaning lady comes on Friday's, most weekends weather permitting are spent at the beach . Her cleaning lady arrives on Tues. Just in time to do all the dirty laundry. (Did I mention just how good life is??!) Money thus far has been a non issue. She appears to be equally equipped to caring for herself, her children and her grand children as I am for mine. When sharing is appropriate the cost is shared with minimal discussion beyond, what do I owe? I'm the far better cook and she has relinquished both kitchens to me while retaining sole possession of the dishwasher for clean up. We each have our own laptops, IPad and Kindles no fighting over techy stuff. The biggest decision we face each day is usually what to do for dinner... usually grill a piece of fish with some veggies sip some wine and watch the sun go down. There is a life to be had for caregivers after AD
Wolf - after three months that inevitable belch or fart has escaped (far more than a singular event). a basic excuse me has sufficed thus far
The best part of each day is climbing into bed looking at one another and affirming to each other, we're the luckiest people in the world, we never thought we'd be able to feel this way again."
marty, I'm so happy for you. Your story (and this whole thread) is very encouraging to those of us still in "the trenches". I may need to dislike your new lady-friend though, just on principle. I don't think I've been a size two since I was two. Lol.
I feel compelled to share in the "I Like" thread even though I am still in "the trenches." Here goes, I long for and I like too;
Laugh until I am crying and coughing! I love to get rediculously silly! Do fun things Enjoy life, family and friends Spending my time doing my art work, painting, drawing and jewelry designing Playing with my beloved Bichon/Poodle, Beejay. Meeting new friends Learning about other's Travel, especially to Italy Be more of me, I miss me.......
Nancy I can really relate to your last line. Before I was wishy washy when it came to making a decision, bone tired and in the evening having enough to drink till I fell asleep.
I'm glad to report that is no longer my life and I am finding me again. Thank goodness. As I move forward it just keep getting better. Yes there is the sadness when I go and visit him but as I wrote before when I leave I have to close the door and get back to me. It's like going through a transformation and it will be interesting to see what I become.
Marty - It's good to read that you have found what you need and I wish you both years of happiness.
This is a good thread - so glad someone gave me a "kick in the pants" I've been having a great big pity party lately. So I need to count all I can do and not major on the can't dos. I like March Madness (now gone till next year) I like watching sports on TV - don't know soccer at all so don't watch that. I like playing in my sewing room - even patching. I like attending church. I like the ladies at Bible study group. I like this message board where I can be me and cry and whine and folks understand and don't criticize. I like eating at Wendy's with other widows that I met at Wendy's . This has been some learning day for me. This morning I read this thread and then at Sunday school we talked about the importance of friendship. So time for me to shape up!.
I am so happy for anyone who has had to be in our situation to have found happiness again. One day I hope I will too.
Coming out of the more than three year fog, and seeing, that there will be life again. That my darling is getting great care. That at least for now, I do not have to worry about bills. I like my kitty cats. I like seeing, that I am getting valuable lessons. I like you guys.
You all have given me hope - thank you. I've stated in threads, long ago, that there isn't really a lot of that lovin' feelin' between Dan & me - harsh, but that's the way things have gone. I'm in for the long haul, & he's extremely dependent on me (even though he doesn't think so!), so I do what I have to do. Maybe that lack of emotional closeness will turn out to be a good thing for me in the end - maybe it won't be as painful as it is for others. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking! Anyway, I like all of the "likes" mentioned above, as I said, gives me hope as I try to hang on to me! I feel like I'm rambling - hope it made sense!
jackiem, sometimes I feel like I'm such a terrible person, saying such things. I think I must be the only one, but I know I am not alone. Have to keep on keepin' on together!
I like that I don't have a cell phone. I like that the toilet seat is always up. I like that I always sit on the throne (look, a chair...no thanks I'll stand and pee all over it) I like that I drive a five speed at 4am while friends worry about driving in the dark (I have a cataract and a scleral buckle) I like animals. I love comedy. My internal voices do comedy (oh please) and aren't too bad (get outta here).
I love that I wake up. I love that I often remember dreams. I love that I might lay there for a while pondering or I might get up and make bacon and eggs or I do have that grapefruit and the blueberries but I'm supposed to have eggs benedict at 10 different restaurants this summer (bucket list) or I might stumble up to what I was writing last night light a cigarette and drink cold coffee.
I like nice people. Like the 20 year old cute as a button with a hundred word vocabulary at the pet store who looked at me like the father she never had (work with me here) when I bought a case of cat food for her humane society drive.
I like that I don't really give a flying if Dianne takes 10 years to die. Get your share of meatloaf and bananas because compared to not being here just those little things are still pretty good. She's not blocking my life in any way I can think of. I've had my fill of travelling and don't even hold a passport.
I like that I can go way down in my gut and my thoughts and I can't find any fear of getting stinking old and dying. I suspect that's a ways off but even if it isn't I'm not fussed about it. I happen to know medical science is both brilliant and full of crap. Sleep apnea is going around up here and everybody is popping something and seeing a chiropractor or doing pilotes (I can't spell it and don't care) while I have been completely sedentary for two years. I just showered and shaved after four days of not leaving the house (to get the cat food) and I smoke BUT I can bend over and put my palm on the floor and I can put either heel into Darth Vader's face (my crotchal area). I drink strong coffee and go to sleep. I eat once a day. I eat nothing some days. I stay up all night some nights. I haven't seen a doctor in 7 years. My inseam and waist size are the same. I've avoided any exercise for 23 years. Medical science medical schmience.
I like that I believe in something and that I've had some really tough times and I still believe the same things. Pretty much everybody is looney tunes. So can I.
I like the fact that, for the first time in my entire life, I don't have to answer to anyone in the whole wide world. Talk about liberating. Of course, all I've done is become a hibernating slob. Thank goodness for major holidays when i can count on family coming to visit and I have to clean the house.
I like that my DH still knows me and tells me he loves me. It fills my heart and makes me strong.
I love music and, because I live along now, I can sing with abandon all day long at the top of my lungs. By the way, I just discovered that Pandora radio has a Perry Como channel, including Andy Williams, Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin - hence the singing at the top of my lungs all day long.
I like gardening and (once the ground finally thaws) I have the next few months all planned out ... digging in the dirt until the humidity and mosquitoes take over.
I like that I don't feel afraid of anything anymore.
PS: Wolf. Inseam and waist the same size?? I think you might want to eat more than once a day (notice I didn't say "should"?) And although I admit to being way impressed, I'd advise you to keep your heels out of your crotchal area!
I am glad the toilet seat is always down... I like Wolf I like my two cats I like the fresh morning scents of green grass and the ocean I like my Toyota Van I like my pantry ( it is finally one project done to perfection : ) ) I like that I got my Nikon's repaired and can start shooting photos again I like my house I like my yard, weeds and all I like it when Phranque pops in now and then with phunny things to share I like the idea of starting party planning again on our site...speaking of that....Memorial Day is not that far away so we need to start thinking about our location again I like that I am starting to feel refreshed after so many years of caregiving I like that I am beginning to find my way and see all the blessings that surround me
I like that I really don't care that being here is like being the retarded male at a sorority party of almost all women (speaking just for myself).
I like that I get stunned silence when the surface dwellers around me suggest it might be time to go out with the opposite sex again that I answer I am - I'm practically putting two young ladies through college (2 university town). I don't do that but I also don't actually need advise from people that have no clue or investment and are simply sending a postcard preferably from further away as of now. Fine. Think it through next time.
I like that I read what I said the next day and all I get is that I'm showing signs of having 'wish I'd been a father' regrets.
I have a 35 inch waist and inseam. I also have breasts and an impressive mole collection now. I'm quite uninterested in the fact that my largest organ is getting tired (the skin) and I really do want to learn something from the sacrifices both of us made without choice.
I used to like fishing a lot Amber. As for being crazy everybody is. Everybody. Holding together the fable that anyone's lifetime is actually important in and of itself is stressful. We have to deflect that we don't actually give a rat's behind about ancestor's and that our parents were kind of out of touch with now - but we're not; instead our kids think they know everything. And never once is the truth allowed through - that we're just actually focused on our own point of view.
Sibling rivalry often goes on long after the parents' deaths which is as insane as it is important (to prove they are right, to prove the other wrong, to catch someone at something all without every knowing they are no longer birds in a nest competing).
Time to grow up. And by that I mean put the adult into a closet (you will need it) and realize that if we're lucky enough not to have to work then we are lucky indeed. Add to that besides base requirements (also your choice) we're really not expected to do very much. And if we weren't so bloody beat up we might even feel good about that. Anybody spot the problem?
Well nobody wants someone like me. Really? How the f___ do you know that????? Well I'm reluctant and I've been through truly hard times. Ahhhhh. It's too bad nobody's around that sees that you could use some encouragement and support. It's too bad nobody's around that cares about you. It's too bad life is this obvious and this resisted. Because there is somebody right here who could really help me but I don't think in those terms. I can go through a guantlet of feces for somebody else but I can't envision being my own friend even though I have a brain more developed than any other thing in the known universe.
If you go then set markers. Your brain doesn't need any because it can do thousands of things at the same time but the soul inhabiting it does because it's an idiot. That's why the tests of life are dumbed down so much. I can tell you something with real confidence. If the soul progresses or evolves - being a human being is near the beginning.
Imagine all this as a sporting event being commentated on:
"And he's just done that. He's standing there a moment. OHHHH! And he moves off pretending he's not responsible for that action. So close. Wait!!! There's someone else coming up. And they're apologizing for it even though they didn't do it. Oh here comes someone pointing that out. Oh, someone else just showed up telling everyone to mind their own business. They're all screaming at each other. Ok. Ok. They seem to be tiring. Oh look. Everyone's walking away agreeing nothing happened."
Sad, surreal, and true. Time doesn't care whether you have a thousand years of worrying to do about your self image before you show up. You're surviving dementia for goodness sakes. You need to adjust your self image preferably to something more factual such as the truth. You stand by beliefs and duty and that has been/is being tested and is proof for all to see. Except they don't want to because it makes them uncomfortable. And so on. And so on. It has nothing to do with them. It's all in you.
Wolf, next time someone tells you: "I like that I get stunned silence when the surface dwellers around me suggest it might be time to go out with the opposite sex", tell them you have. You have a whole harem of women in your AD support group. :-)
Wolf - I meant "just like the rest of us"....my bad!
Why do I have a picture of you at a desk typing on your lap top, clothes and hair tousled, smoking a cigarette and drinking a scotch when I read your posts?
Oh and I'm not surviving dementia....I HAVE survived dementia!!!
Amber, I understand that so it's all fine. The picture you have is the one I paint of me in all honesty. Switch the scotch for smoking in the Amsterdam manner and the lap top for a desktop (23 inch screen and full keyboard) and that's me which is incredibly unimportant.
What's important? Feeding Dianne one more banana while I let her go and being there for her while she's already gone (her opinion and mine). I'm playing Eric Clapton's Behind The Mask live at inappropriate volume (stereo speakers on laptops not so much) and am not fixated or unduly wounded by the past. I killed Al Zheimer and left his dried up husk somewhere down the tracks and there's only one person in the cheering section - my wife. You can bite us.
Our mental picture that we have of each one of us is interesting especially because we will probably never meet. We can just take from what and how we word our posts. Though I've hear your voice and the way you speak, so I can add that to your posts.
What's important is finding your way back to the living and be happy again....I believe that is what all our spouse's would want us to do. You wrote that we have the right to live our life or words similar. Find your sunrise mentality and leave your sunset mentality behind.
I am getting my happiness back and wake up each morning excited about what adventures I'll face each new day. I will not be a shrived up, sad, dead inside, living my life in the past person. Each person has their own time schedule getting there just so long as they're moving forward, that's what matters.
I like - 1 – Music – Thanks to Charlotte for telling me about medleys on Youtube – I am listening to one right now! 2 – SPRING!!! – I am really enjoying green grass and a blue sky, and no more snow. 3 – Black tea and cocoa (sorry, yes, together). I got hooked on it during the long, cold winter, and still try to have a cup every day while I take a break. Even DH has gotten hooked on this strange mixture. 4 – Being able to have pizza delivered on a bad day--or even when it's not a bad day! 5 – Books (except when I have to move them). Both DH and I are the kind of people who would read a cereal box if nothing else was available, so it's nice to have lots of books around. Some of them I've read so often that I just about know them by heart. They're like having a talk with a friend when you're awake in the middle of the night. 6 – Getting into smaller clothes because I've lost 40 pounds. I really, really like this one.
I like that someone said they wouldn't have made it through christmas without the lodge. I like it so much I've gone back to look at that comment several times. Like the spot we see when we think of that Robert Frost poem, I can see the lodge in my mind's eye and where I moved the sleigh to. It was out there and could have fallen flat on it's face. Instead it did what any story might do. It got moved in to and owned.
I believe all good things are in a sense like that lodge. Somehow at some moment we open like a flower and now all things seem changed but all that happened was we opened a door and walked through even for a moment.
I stop in the silent falling snow and my horse wonders why but I'm just looking across the gloom for a moment knowing one evening I'll be coming by and a light will be on.
Wolf, I still think of the lodge and can see it in my mind's eye now. Even though that fire might be a tad warm for today where I live. Is there a lake nearby for this summer? I can see sitting in a nice chair on the dock and watching a row boat with two devoted people in it just rowing by and waving. Yes, that's what I like.