Hi all, I am new to post but have been reading your comments for a couple of months now. It is really helping me to understand this terrible disease. I am at my wits end with trying to reason (ha) with my DH about the outside chores. He has had Alzheimers for about three years, and everyone says they can't tell, but I tell them they don't live with him, anyway last year he really showed me what our biggest problem (for now) is going to be. He has destroyed 2 riding lawnmowers by going into places I just told him to stay out of and has broken the mowing deck on both. I bought another one last fall to finish up the year and he jumped on as soon as they unloaded it off the truck, put the deck down and started down our gravel driveway mowing. Of course I went bananas running after him, which infuriated him, trying to stop him. He yelled and cussed and finally jumped off the mower with it still running and it started down the hill. Today, I had to start the mowing for this year and again, he got on the mower and tried to maneuver it around. He really can't figure out which controls do what and it is just so dangerous. Anyway, this is just one thing about the manly things he can't do anymore. Any suggestions as to how to handle it. I have tried calm reasoning, I have tried yelling too. He says he can do everything just like he always did. Thanks for this site, I am sure I will need it more and more as time goes by. Thanks.
I guess it will be something like stopping them from driving a car. This is dangerous and has to be stopped. Go the home page and look for the topic, which should include the word, "driving." What worked for me - and I tried a lot of things - was to make an appointment with my husband's doctor. The doctor's voice had more authority than mine, and my husband stopped driving without further argument. Lots of complaints, though, but I just agreed with him that it was too bad. The complaints fade with time. Somehow you'll have to get someone else to mow for you when your husband is not there. Maybe when you have him out for lunch, or a doctor's appt.? (You have to learn to be cunning as a rat.) But you're in charge, and some things have to be done in the name of safety.
First - just remember they can not be reasoned with because the reason button is broken.
As for the lawnmower you need to find a way to disable it except when you use. Pull the spark plug wire off or hide the key. You say when you start he wants to take over which means you biggest problem may be to keep him off when you get on. In that case, as soon as he comes near it, turn it off and take the key.
I am one of the fortunate in that my husband has given up things willingly. Of course we no longer have a home and yard to care for so that helps. We just replaced a light in our motorhome which took an hour to do because he insisted he could do it, which he could not by himself.
Others will be along soon to give more suggestions.
Oh, they do love ruining the lawn tractors. My DH would tear the wiring out,claims he was fixing it. Cut so many dog collars up,I lost count,and my watch bands. I hid all the scissors but never thought of the bolt cutters.Cut the wires on appliances(I kept them unplugged) so many things r uined.So many think it is just a memory problem,they should live with them.People think we make up all these things.
Oh.... there are so many things like this! My DH sawed off the pipes in the laundry room that went to the tub upstairs, went through 4 vacuum cleaners, 1 dish washer, one refridgerator, 2 lawn mowers, a snow blower, cut the telephone lines.... we moved and got rid of all equipment.
Junebug2 Welcome. Sorry you are dealing with this. I know there are post about breaking things. I just tried to search for you but could not find them.
I know I posted before about fixing the mower. I have to get it fixed at least 3 tines a year now. Had to buy a new push mower, blower, and weed eater. I try to keep then away from him. I hide them. But he can always find them. It is expensive. I keep saying I will not fix the mower again. But I always do. He puts gas where the oil goes. He puts regular gas in 2 cycle engines. It is a mess.
Hiding the key or Disconnecting the battery is the only way.
We had a beautiful yard full of mature perennials (thanks to the previous owners) that passersby would stop and take pictures of. DH managed to cut everything down over the course of a few years. He would do it while I was at work and I'd come home and just be sick. We also had all the yard tractor issues, too. He liked to mow…and mow…and mow…for hours, just going around in circles. And then he would mow the neighbors' yards, saying he was "helping" them. Well, of course he was just annoying them--they did not need him undermining their own arrangements. Finally when the lawn tractor had to go in for a yearly service, I talked with the mechanics--who knew DH and agreed with me that he really could not safely handle it…plus it now needed some expensive repairs…and we told him it could not be fixed and would have to be junked. (Kind of a half-truth.) Then I did not buy another one, and hired a lawn service. DH did not like it, but tough. The lawn service employees were kind to him, and at my direction, handled his interference by pretending they could not speak English. (A Hispanic crew.) They also re-landscaped the yard for me in a simple, green, low-maintenance but attractive style.
We had the opposite problem with the lawn...he wasn't interested at all in mowing so let it get about 2 ft high, refused to mow, so I called a local landscaper to mow it. Now they do it every year. BUT he's destroyed many, many other things, particularly toilets and plumbing (dumped about 20 things in the toilet one day and flushed).
I agree with yhouniey, most people have no idea how destructive they can be...they just think it's all memory loss. And they have no idea of the expenses associated with this illness from the cost of medications, specialist visits, time off from work (or early retirement), day care or home health aides...the list goes on.
For the outside equipment, is it possible to build a shed to store them and lock everything up? Not a cheap solution but probably cheaper than replacing all of those lawn mowers.
First, I want to welcome you to my website. I started this website in 2007 because I couldn't find anyone who would talk about how I felt - I thought I was the only one feeling the way I did about what Alzheimer's Disease was doing to my marriage. I needed a place that dealt with my unique issues as a spouse of an Alzheimer patient. This site is now a place of comfort for spouses/partners who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife/partner. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse/partner with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse/partner.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience".
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
One of the most difficult lessons I had to learn was to relate to my husband differently than I did in the previous 3 1/2 decades of our happy marriage. As Charlotte said, the reason button is broken. What this means is that you can no longer "reason, compromise, discuss, or converse" as you used to. Their brains are regressing, and as heart wrenching and difficult as it is, we have to take charge and learn different ways of communicating with our spouses. Unfortunately, this means that we must be a bit devious when necessary to protect them from themselves. If the suggestions of hiding the key and/or disabling the mower doesn't work, you may consider selling it and hiring someone to mow the lawn.
Welcome to Joan's wonderful site of caregiver support! With respect to your mowing problem, I had the same issue with the gas powered outdoor equipment. Snow blowing over the flower beds instead of on the pathways. Mowing the same area over and over again, and leaving the rest. Using the grass trimmer and cutting the grass down so that nothing was left but dirt. I used the same approach to this issue as I did to the driving issue - the same approach suggested by mary 75*. I asked his doctor to tell him that he was no longer able to use any motorized equipment outside, and because she was a "voice of authority" he has complied. Inside its a different story. My DH used to be quite a good cook, and he can still bake bread and make yoghurt, but only under supervision. In order to keep the microwave from blowing up, I keep a cup of water in it.That way, it is never empty if turned on accidentally. My biggest issue, and the most damage, is to our kitchen countertop. DH does the dishes, but forgets to put the drainboard down on the countertop, or he puts it so that the water runs away from the sink, or he hangs dishes over the sides. I am not going to stop him from doing the dishes because it is one way he figures he is "helping me", even though it might take him hours, he can't remember where to put the dishes away, leaves dishes undone and water in the sink. And it keeps him occupied and out of further mischief. But I will have to replace the countertop, because it is lifting quite badly at the seams where water has seeped underneath. And that can wait until after he is no longer living here.
Welcome junebug2. Sorry you have to be here but as others have said you found the most amazing site possible. I would not have survived so far in this journey without Joan and everyone else here. I agree with what everyone else has offered and can so relate. My husband was an electrician and by the time he went to live in a facility I was grateful our house had not blown up or started on fire. He was also very handy with tools and started drilling holes in all manner of inappropriate places. We need to be creative and brilliant as we learn how to manage things to keep ourselves and spouse/partner safe. It is not easy. I will be interested to follow how you handle the lawn mower situation.
So sad what we have to deal with. DH was never a handyman. I always called him my unhandyman. He could wire lights and work on old cars, that was it. But he was into Ham radio. And I remember the day I had to make him get off the radios. He would of sounded drunk to someone else. I knew it was the beginning of the word salad.
He did his share of stopping up drains, leaving the doors open and unlocked, gate open, we have dogs, turning on the heat in the summer and air in the winter.
This thread brings back bad memories. This stage was awful for us. He insisted on mowing but just half mowed, didn't know how to take care of the lawnmower couldn't remember how to start it. He got it in the ditch next to the mailbox twice. A passerby helped him out the first time and a neighbor the 2nd time. He insisted on putting gas in the car, left the cap hanging out and left the cap off the gas can when getting gas for the lawnmower. He hired a tree cutter and had a bunch of trees cut in our yard. When someone posted that the latter stages are easier, I thought that was impossible but it really does get easier....sadder, but easier... when they are not able to do anything anymore.
junebug2--I was told that lawnmowers (both riding mowers and the push kind) need to be disposed of when there's someone with dementia in the home. In the same category with power tools and guns. Even if you lock the mower up and only take out when you want to mow, you said that you started mowing and then he jumped on it.
I hope he is not still driving a car at this point. If he is confused by a riding mower, then a car is beyond his abilities as well. You are at a very difficult point in the disease, when the person is still struggling to do all the things he used to do. Unfortunately, it falls on the caregiver to step in and set boundaries--one of the most heartbreaking parts of caregiving. Good suggestions above about letting the doctor be the "bad guy" about taking away activities that are no longer safe.
I have a large house full to the brim of appliances that don't work. Luckily most have lost their power cords or their rechargers if they are rechargeable so they are not dangerous. We have something like 20 electric drill, none of which work, 11 electricity testing meters none of which work (luckily the only store selling these refuse to sell him them now because he has taken them back so often) , numerous electric screw drivers, saws, welders etc etc. I could fill the page with the appliances that don't work. They are in every room of the house! He blames everyone but himself for busting his appliances even the poor dogs get the blame. German Shepherds are clever dogs but I've never heard of any using power tools yet! People say you should stop your spouse using these things. How do I stop my husband? How do you stop adults? You can't just pick them up and put them on the naughty chair. He's 6ft 2 and 180lbs! The more I tell him not to do things the more he does them. You can't reason with him. I just concentrate on a few important things and leave the rest. He's lost all his credit cards/ debit cards so he can't buy new stuff now without going through me . I haven't ordered new ones . That helps
Julie,how do you stop them is the $64,000 question. Once the doctor notified DMV and the state took away DH's drivers license it became a little easier. Of course, for awhile there he would forget he didn't have a license, get the car keys, and drive anyway. The car keys mysteriously disappeared--ha,ha--I'm so careless with those things--but I finally had to "sell" his car (actually gave it away--what a piece of junk--but I gave him $200 and told him I had sold it.) Our basement was the same as you described. For a number of years he filled it up with that kind of stuff, and saved everything that he thought he might be able to use "to make something"--like every burned out light bulb or battery--every used grocery bag and bakery container--any broken small appliance, clock, camera, every baseball he picked up in the yard…(We had a Little League field across the street.Of course I "stole" those baseballs and threw them back across the street for the kids--although DH would get mad if he saw me.) His work benches and tool boxes just looked like the bottom of a gerbil cage. The aides used to do laundry in the basement, and they would just laugh at what it looked like. I kept a separate tool box hidden from him that had the things in it I really needed from time to time (a hammer, a couple screw drivers, a tape measure…I'm not a craftsman, but you know the type of things we do all use whether we're handy or not). He ruined so many tools it was unbelievable. Finally, when we moved, the auction guys who took our good stuff to sell also did a basement clean out for me. Miserable, miserable disease. The ill spouse just goes on their merry way, while the well spouse has to live with a quality of life that declines with every passing day--for years and years.
if there is any danger to using any of the appliances you can always disable them cut the cords off or donate to charity or have someone move them from the house. they have no conscience of the dangers that accompany using anything power or electric. many here have had bad experiences not wanting to remove the items. my biggie was removing the collectors weapons. I had his son come and take them and said someone must have broken in and stolen them:) and I would file a report. they were not mentioned again. as we know AD can be very crafty and they can find ways we never dream of to get to stuff. or maybe locking everything in a storage room with a large lock. no we cant argue with them but we must stay one step ahead and dispose of these things one at time so its not so noticeable maybe would work. leaving only a few non issue gadgets for them to mess with. good luck ladies, its not easy to have to take the bull by the horns.
I am not sure I know how to take the bull by the horns. The problem is that my bull never used to be a bull at all but the sweetest most gentle man. He would do anything I asked. Not now! I hide his stuff hoping he will forget but that's the one thing he remembers, he pesters me to death and stays up all night hunting for whatever. Half crazed with lack of sleep I generally give in, the solution seems to become worse than the problem somehow.
Since Sonny went to LTC, I bought myself a set of ratchets,screw drivers a new large stapler and a host of other tools I knew I would use. I gave up on trying to find anything in his work shed. In fact you can't walk in it. Could not find a nail anywhere when I needed one so that's on my list to buy. I did find 7 electric drills,but none of the chargers fit any of them, also can't find the bits or drivers for them.How do they hide things so cleverly?Of course.I hid his set of keys for the vehicles and I can't find them.This disease is getting me.