My wife has been a care facility for over 6 months. Even before that, i started looking around for a woman to love and who might love me. I found such a woman but although she enjoys my company, she says to me that I'm available but she is (divorced). She's leery of loving me because I can't marry her. She knows that I won't divorce my wife. But she wants the commitment that a marriage would ostensibly bring with it. She says that she doesn't want to be my mistress. Also, she is somewhat frightened because she was a chronic disease, non-hodgkins lymphoma, and her doctor told her she has between 10 and 20 years to live. She's almost 64 and I'm a good 10 years older than her. Is there conceivable set of legal documents besides DPOA for healthcare, that would give her the comfort she needs even though, since we don't know how long my wife will live, they might tide her over until I become a widower? Some friends of mine said that they agree with her perspective. Any thoughts ????
As many have said, "It's your decision." The bottom line is that we don't want you hurt, or your wife, either. "She says to me that I'm available, but she is (divorced)." Do you mean she says she is available because she is divorced and you're not? Are you sure she would marry you if you were divorced? Women are not always direct in their responses: we try to avoid hurting someone's feelings Re. your question: "Is there conceivable set of legal documents besides DPOA for healthcare that would give her the comfort she needs?" I don't understand your question. Why would DPOA give your girlfriend any comfort? I don't know of any legal documents that would help convince your girlfriend. A will? But it's your wife's estate, too. Your wife needs to be taken care of financially, and it can get very, very expensive in the later stages. You might have to hire round-the-clock care aides, even though she's in a care facility. But I live in B.C. Canada and don't know what the laws are where you live. A good lawyer would be able to help you. What's worked for me in the past when I have a hard decision to make is, instead of asking the question, I turn it into a statement. For example, instead of asking the question, "Should I get a divorce so that I can marry my girlfriend?", the statement would be, "I am going to divorce my wife in order to marry my girlfriend." I've been surprised to get a very clear gut response when I make it a statement, rather than question.
I read this post a few hrs ago as well and since have decided to enter my own opinion. and its just that of course. to each their own. if it were me, I would steer clear of someone who knew my husband was ill and expected me to divorce him to be with them. what goes round comes round, right? why would she not think you could do the same to her when /if her cancer became life threatening? I find it hard to believe a woman or man for that fact would ask that of someone. I find it much more appealing for a person to say I like you and would like to see you if you agree but I have commitments with my spouse who is critically ill. I would think that would be much more appealing to a person to know one stands by the ill person no matter what the circumstances. the lady should not put demands on a person who is still committed legally and morally. but that's my own input. I think there are plenty of people out there who are in the same boat and looking for social relations without having demands or conditions.
I seriously doubt there is a legal form that would commit you to another while being legally married. I don't think it would hold weight. but an attorney would be the person to answer those questions.
In your first post you wrote: "I've had a problem with extreme loneliness ever since I was a teen. When my 1st wife tied 10 years ago, I was extremely lonely and had spells of loneliness even after I remarried to my current spouse." Would you consider going back to your therapist - or change your therapist - to try to deal with that underlying problem? At the very least, it might help relieve you of the present stress you are under.
I agree with the others advice. First you do have a wife who is ill and she is your first responsibility both morally and financially. Your girlfriend should understand that and not be putting demands of any kind on you especially that would affect your estate issues and it well it might if you start trying to do some legal things. You should be very careful.
We all understand how it feels to lose the companionship of our spouse as this disease robs them more each day. Ask yourself, if the tables were reversed and YOU were the ill person, what might your wife do for you? You should do no less for her.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with going out and enjoying dinner or movies with someone. However it sounded like the lady friend is starting to put on a full court press wanting commitment and not wanting to be a mistress..Be careful.
The advice to see a counselor might do you well in helping you sort out your feelings and thoughts and concerns. Someone who is objective with no skin in the game so to speak can often help you answer your own concerns. Good luck.
Watchful, I am sorry that you are feeling such loneliness. I have no advice for your present situation... but please do keep in mind that this degree of loneliness can make one a bit more vulnerable.
It's not a good idea for you to hold on to this lady for fear of your being lonely. That's not a good foundation for a relationship, married or not. The way you write, she appears to be pushing you into a position that you are not entirely objecting to. Everybody is lonely from time to time, you can be 'lonely' in a crowd. Have you ever tried to resolve this? You sound like you know what you want things to be, but I'd be surprised if there is any legal way to do it. I will also tell you the facts--it is easier for a man of your age to get another woman who will not be so demanding than for us ladies to get a man. Find someone else, if she's pushing you this hard on this really important matter, she's going to push you for a lot more if she gets her way on this one. You may think she is the love of your life, but you're old enough to understand that she caught you on the rebound, you've known her only a few months--what's the rush? Like so many others on this board, you're needy, that's understandable; but your lady friend got involved with a married man, that made her a mistress by her own actions with her eyes wide open and now she wants you to change it. If she doesn't want to be a mistress, she should have taken up with someone who is available, it was her choice. But as others have already said -- be careful -- you're vulnerable -- be careful and make sure only your hands are in your pockets.
Excuse my cynicism, but perhaps this woman wants marriage because she envisions needing a caregiver herself, given her medical condition. Is that the position you want to find yourself in at some point in the future (once again)? Betty and the others have made many good points.
Please, Watchful, run, run, run. I understand your loneliness and wanting companionship. I agree with marilyninMD. Don't put yourself in this position - again.
I am usually a straight shooter when I offer advice and I never mean to be hurtful, even though I realize some people have received my comments that way. So here goes....
watchful, based on an earlier post and this post, it's my opinion that you're looking for "permission" to either divorce your wife, or find some "legal" way to take care of your girlfriend or maybe both. Obviously only an attorney can advise you of your legal options so you should consult a family law and an estate attorney. But no one can give you the permission you're seeking. You have to decide. I agree with Bettyhere...your girlfriend chose to be your mistress; she was and is a consenting adult. Now she wants you to make her "an honest woman"? As my mother used to say, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? If she truly cares about you, she will wait, if not there are many other fish in the sea.
Watchful, be afraid, be very afraid and run like hell.
I second, third & fourth all of the comments above. I just commented on an older post yesterday, about divorce. What happens when this woman becomes tired/annoyed of having to share your loyalties with another woman? Seems to me that could go south very quickly. And in no way judging you or condemning you, but maybe you would consider seeing someone professionally about how to deal with your loneliness issues. I think we all need to "fix" ourselves before we can be of any good to someone else. I am actually looking into some kind of help to deal with my anger/sadness issues. I pray, but sometimes I just need to speak to someone wearing skin! Please don't allow yourself to be hurt needlessly.
Hmm. I guess I would find that to be a potential deal breaker. I do feel that the new partner, if these situations are to work, needs to understand the Alz spouse's primary commitment to the care and comfort of the ill spouse.
Nevertheless Watchful...only you are there to assess your feelings for the new person, and gauge hers for you.
I notice that on a previous post under a different heading, you have already been to see a therapist. There are therapists and there are therapists. Ask around and get the very, very best one. It's not easy to work these things out, and it takes a lot of hard work. You can see we are all concerned for you and are trying to steer you clear of potential heartbreak.
After years and years of reacting to my "feelings," with the help of a great therapist, I realized that my "feelings" were not always accurate and coming from FEAR based areas in my life. FEAR of being alone, FEAR of being not lovable, FEAR of not being worthy...........Obviously all deeply routed self esteem issues fueled by situations which occurred during my childhood.
I learned that as a child I did not have the tools to mentally, emotionally or spiritually deal with the vast emotional confusion that were controlling my state of mind. As an adult I made drastic and very costly decisions just to ease the pain of my "Feelings." Then I finally 'hit bottom" and knew that it was my thinking about myself that I had to change. I guess I just got sick and tired of being in emotional pain all the time and allowing myself to become a "victim" so I would feel ok, normal, loved, valued and GOD knows what else.
Anyway, Mr. Watchful17, I would encourage you to embark on a journey of self and the emotional feelings and thoughts that are steering you to make decisions and commitments based on just feelings rather then actual facts that everyone above has pointed out to you. Of course you want to do this with a professional therapist who can safely guide you successfully through the process.
Just my personal opinion, I don't see your girlfriend as the problem, her behaviors and self-centered demands are FEAR based as well. You both have ignited some of your FEAR based feelings about yourselves. Somehow you believe that she is your "answer" and you are her "answer" to the discomfort and pressure which you are both feeling regarding this relationship and your futures.
She's just the messenger that is telling you that you need to seriously examine why do you want to make the decision of a long term relationship and future based on FEARFUL FEELINGS?
In conclusion, I agree with all of your above new friends. Take the time to examine your true thoughts about why you NEED to, as apposed to, why you WANT to be in a full blown out relationship at this time in your life, period.
Wishing you the best of luck, whatever your may be decision.
I entered a relationship before my husband died, and one of the things about me that he most admired was my devotion to my husband. One of the things that I most admired about him was how supportive he was of my situation. These things seem to be the antithesis of what Watchful has described...food for thought?
Good comment,Nancy.I do think too many people let FEAR make decisions for them I am so thankful that my parents and teachers instilled self confidence in me,but there are lots of people without that confidence and I truly feel sad for them.,
If so that could be a big incentive for her to get married to you.
Mistress...this is 2014, who cares!!!
I almost know for sure that I will not get married again just friends with benefits. I say almost because no one can see into the future and he may out live me......I will never divorce my hubby. If that's not ok with the fellow well you know where the door is.