Well I am moved back to my home and I an happy that I did. I have been out and about more here then in the other residence.
Kevan and I had decided and agreed on my taking over the finances and how it would be done. I did that on Friday morning and the Account manager suggested not going to fast but take the larger amounts out of our joint and put them in my new ones that are just mine. I now have to move all the ones that are paid automatically each month from our joint to my account. This will take a month or more. Kevan was fine with all of this but last night he had forgotten and went ballistic. He has accused me of stealing the money and was very upset.
I contacted our two oldest sons and they said "tough" you did the right thing now stick to your path.
I am supposed to go and visit tomorrow but I am now concerned about his behaviour when I get there over this banking. Our daughter is going to go with me but i don't think that will stop him from going into a tirade.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it stinks!!!!!!
There are so many people that say" my Mom went through that with my grandparent or my aunt" well it is not the same. This is my best friend and life partner. We had total trust in each other and now I have to take so many things away as I know he is having trouble doing them and I need to learn before he can't help me with this, but it still is terrible. He resents my taking charge of things like finances and hiring help or getting a handy man in to do the very things he used to do so well, and he is turning on me for his failures from this disease. He has had so much taken from him as his abilities decrease.
I know he doesn't remember making these decisions and I think I will have to make sure I email him all the details from now on so he can see just what we agreed on. This may help for awhile.
I went through it, too, Jazzy, and I totally agree with Wolf and your sons. It is what you have to do, it is the right thing to do, and there is no need to discuss it with Kevan. When I gradually realized that DH was becoming clueless about financial matters, and was doing things that could really mess us up, I started putting everything in my name, including the house and the car (when I bought a new one). It is a strange feeling, when you have always been equal financial partners, to be dissolving anything that is joint and taking it for yourself--it seems like gold-digging, or like being greedy and grabby. But it isn't, and it has to be done. Kevan is no longer a player--just don't bring it up with him, as it will only upset and worry him…it is just another way we have to step up to the plate and take care of our AD spouses.
The less you discuss decisions with him the better. I really don't believe you have accepted the fact that you can't reason with him. I know I said I accepted this fact but truthfully I was still trying to reason with him up until 3 weeks before he died. Try to make visits as pleasant as you can without bringing up problems. Think of it as a date and do fun things.
I have just finally realized what the problem is. Kevan is trying to live in both worlds. He wants to in LTC and he wants to still take care of our life together and he can't. He wants control if both worlds. I have no intension of letting him take control of the finances again. I emailed me today and told me he loves me very much and we can settle this then he redid it to say we can work this out. There is nothing to work out. Today he was unable to help me set up my printer. He was an expert at that kind of thing. He just couldn't remember how to do it. Tomorrow I am going to have lunch with him but our Daughter will be there. I will not go to his room but will meet him in the cafeteria. He will not be happy that our daughter is there as he can't be mean to me then. He has decided that I have ADHD, OCD and Dementia but not him. He has been insisting on going to my Dr.'s appointments with me but I said no as I think he is going to bombarded her with this DX of his. He says he can't get along with me so that is why he has to live there. I am going to stick with my plan to live my life and be in charge of it as well. He will just have to live his life there. We are no longer living together and never will. So heartbreaking! I love him so much! No more discussing my life or finances with him.
Jazzy, Would you believe, I've never even thought about getting the banking accounts into my name only and my DH has had ALZ for 8 years? I need to start doing this. Thank you for bringing up the subject. I've always handled the finances and have just continued along as usual. What are the benefits to doing this? We have Last Wills and Testaments.
Is there any way for your husband to know about the finances if you don't tell him. Can he access the accounts online? Yes, don't discuss finances with him.
I've learned not to discuss them with my wife. She really hasn't understood them for over 6 years (this was evident when we bought our last house). She cares about how much money is in "her" bank account (a joint account that used to be only in her name), which I have drained of much of its money. When reviewing taxes this weekend she noticed a bank account that I set up a few years ago and now holds much of our cash. Thankfully she didn't press the matter. One reason she wants to move to another ALF is because she wants to be close to her bank and check the balance. Nope, aint going to happen.
"He says he can't get along with me so that is why he has to live there." My wife agreed that life at home was too unstable for her, that even a large truck driving down the street would upset her. Physically she is doing better since moving to the ALF. But now she starts saying she would like to move back home and do chores (she didn't do any before, just not able to). Not going to happen, though I have to start looking at other ALFs since this one does not provide as much routine as I would like.
jazzy I am glad to hear you are seeing the light of day. they cant live in our world and we in theirs. as upsetting and difficult as it is, we must move forward and accept the saddening realization that they are no longer capable of making any decisions in the real world. getting to this point of realization of course takes a lot of pain and acceptance. sounds like you are finally getting there. best of luck. divvi
If I might, Jazzy, the time to discuss important financial issues etc with your husband is in the past. Stick to your ground and do as the lawyers suggest. And don't forget, fiblets are now going to be the order of the day. It is so sad that you husband doesn't recall important details..If he gets into a rant about something, just say something like. " Oh you may be right about that ( whatever that is) and I will get right on it" then change the subject and if he keeps on, then you may just have to absent yourself..if you are on the phone, put it down. You need to have clear thinking and you need to take care of business, all of it now, because as wise as Kevan once may have been, he isn't now and it can't be changed.. You need to survive.
By the way, while my Ozzie was with me, I didn't put accounts in my name only either. My husband never gave me a moment's problem but would say " sure am glad you are taking care of things". However, do follow your lawyers advice in the event you have some kind of trust. In the end, because all our accounts were joint, I had no problem putting everything in my name AFTER HE DIED but this may not always be the case. His accounts were listed in his trust BUT they were joint so I always had access to them and when it came to paying bills later on I had no problems. And because they were joint and I was listed as beneficiary, voila!
God bless you..and as they say May The Force Be With You.
The reason for getting your AD spouses name off the accounts: You do not want a demented person with no memory or judgement handling the money. What if they are scammed in some way over the telephone or by unscrupulous people coming to the door. Or what if they decide out of the goodness of their heart to make a humongous charitable donation that destroys your finances. What if they make some huge, inappropriate, crazy purchase. It is just too risky.
Hi Most of the reason I had for putting things in my name is that he has a computer at the LTC and even with a password on it I was concerned that he may forget to close everything and someone could get access to the accounts. I also need to learn how to do all of this as he has taken over since computers came on the scene and I had trouble with the programs he used. Accounting type. Just to much for my brain so he said leave it, I'll take care of it. Our children are not comfortable with him having dementia and running my life from there as well as his. They decided enough is enough and so i went ahead and did this. I talked with him last night and he is alright with this now. He is so sad and down about all these changes but he is going to try to let it go. I have had to remind him that his life is there and mine is here and that we can have nice visits and outings but we now have to live in out own worlds. He agreed and is going to try to get more involved there as he has been telling me that I must do here. This is so hard as it is just his behaviour that is the problem. His memory is now showing more difficulties and that is frustrating for him. His insight is gone so he can't understand why he can't continue the way he did and there is no point arguing with him, just change the subject. It's really hard to walk out and leave him there as he looks so sad and abandoned. Yes I know he tries to play me but I am getting better at this way of new talking to him.
Jazzy, I agree about the accounts. For security sake he should not have computer access to them, too many security issues. When you do computer banking you can control keeping your software up to date, use the computer in a safe way. Just as important, if he doesn't see financial information it should become less of a source of friction over time.
I think you are on a good path. It is sad, and I agrtee that our lives become more seperate once they move into the ALF.
Jazzy, I also agree with everyone's comments. I had to start taking over our financial matters almost four years ago and it really was tough. I had always been the bill payer in our household, but my husband was the breadwinner and he started losing interest in his profession and his business. He was ignoring and/or forgetting to give me bills for our home as well as for his business. If I tried to engage him in a conversation about our financial situation it went absolutely nowhere. I converted all our bills to paperless and paid it all online. It has worked well because it's "out of sight, out of mind" for him. I manage our lives totally behind the scenes, he has no idea how much money we have or where it's coming from and it has worked out okay. I still hate dealing with all of it, but I have acquired a certain level of peace knowing that I'm in control. Hang in there, you're moving in the right direction!
YOU GO GIRL!!!! You can do this!!! I agree with the computer access. There are too many eyes that have access to it your accounts if he were to log in and then get distracted away from the computer. Better safe than sorry!
Thanks for all your advise. I have been to the bank and opened my accounts in my name only. Kevan has given up all the finances. All utilities are now in my name only. I have not been able to move things over because of the shut down of our Government departments, but I should be able to do that on Wednesday. I have also seem our lawyer and will be making a new POA for me and because of a clause in them we will both have to make out new ones. The clause has to do with competency. Kevan was concerned about that clause before so he is alright with the new ones. He will meet with our lawyer and the lawyer will ask him some questions to make sure he understands. His Dr. Is leaving in June and he will be getting a Dr. that has been trained to test for competency so that is good. Right now Kevan is in a very good place and is doing very well. He listens to the staff and has had no big explosions. I spoke with his ward nurse and she says he is doing well. He is visiting our son for a few days and returns to the Manor Wednesday. He really wants to help me get settled in the house so our Daughter is bringing him here on Friday for the day. Then back to his home. My puppy is really fun to have around. He is a real clown and a good guard dog. Right now things are all falling into place slowly. Our sons are helping by listening to me and giving some good advise. They are concerned for me now.