I just used an impatient voice with my DH! So he has gone upstairs mad and I feel GUILTY!
Then, I thought about the long day that preceded this. Up early, DH had 8:30 eye checkup. Explained patiently and answered same questions over and over. Made certain Dr exam went smoothly. Kept the smile on my face while I died inside when he couldn't follow simple direction"take your glasses off and put them down".
Drove to Day care late to drop him off. Picked him up later and took him shopping for clothes for family occasion. No need to explain that stress. Came home and helped him try on clothes. Still patient and smiling as I had to help him button , noticed again he is having some trouble getting arm into jackets lately. ....scared more declining! Still smiling.
That's when I foolishly asked him to look at dishwasher and tell me if it was on! What was I thinking or not thinking. He couldn't tell so I said go just leave it and I would check it in a tired, impatient voice.
I still feel bad but I am forgiving myself because I AM ONLY HUMAN! ( As we all are)
I know in my heart if I'm trying my best and if I am, then I can't expect any more from myself. If I'm impatient with DH I usually apologize to him and then move on. I refuse to carry any extra guilt.
Lorrie Everyday. Really impatient lately. We have eye exam Thursday. He always wants contacts. But he cannot use them. He will put two in one eye or forget to take then out. We are on third pair of glasses. The others are somewhere around here.
Yes, Yes and Yes !!! I am not proud of it but I have never been a very patient person and this dementia has taken away what little I had left!!! Please don't feel guilty just move on. Tomorrow is another day and we are always here for you..
Thats the spirit. There are no style points anyway. I know because I checked and all the brochure said was:
"It's not unusual to see the backs of a lot of people's heads as they run away screaming. This shouldn't be taken in a negative context. Instead the fact that you're not running away screaming should absolve you of guilt that you're not perfect. Results may vary. Void where prohibited by thought police."
Not that helpful really. It's like that joke where the little boy admits he wanted to pray to God for a bicycle but he knew it didn't work that way. So he stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
"I still feel bad but I am forgiving myself because I AM ONLY HUMAN!" Exactly.
The title of this thread made me think of a song - One Day at a Time, sung by Meryll Haggard, and others.
I'm only human; I'm just a man (or woman, or person) Help me believe in what I could be and all that I am Show me the stairway I have to climb Lord for my sake Teach me to take One day at a time
One day at a time, sweet Jesus That's all I'm asking from you Give me the strength to do everything that I have to do Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus And tomorrow may never be mine Help me today Show me the way One day at a time.
As caregivers, we can't beat ourselves up every time we act human. We need to believe in ourselves. We can only take one day at a time, forget about yesterday, and hope that today is better. And repeat as necessary.
bqd- Thank you for sharing that song! I sing i here alot :) One day at a time is certainly what it takes.
Lorrie- Please don't feel guilty. We all lose our patience more often then we would like. We are doing the very best we can. Some days I just don't want to answer one more repeated question, or give direction. in that moment , it is literally on moment at time. Hugs to you Lorrie and every one here.
Yes, it is only one moment at a time . Sometimes, even a day at a time is too much. I always remind myself that only those who walk in our shoes can really understand.
I am so grateful for all who post and especially Joan for giving me a place of understanding and comfort at any time.
Sherizee. I read your blog faithfully everyday. Our spouses have a lot in common including their name. I relate so to your daily journey and emotions. Thank you.
we need to all take a deep breath and look in the mirror every night. Smile at yourself and say "you are forgiven, you are doing the best you can do." Hugs to all
Dear Lorrie, my guy is in a Veterans Home now, he does not talk or walk and only sometimes responds, this all within 3 and a half years. So, I certainly do not feel guilty NOW, but I remember the first time I got really mad at him, and oh how awful
He was laying on the bed trying to switch channels on the Satellite "clicker" . Now usually this time of day he would be out in the yard working, but he was already incapable of that, so I encouraged him to just watch tv, ( so I could do my jobs and not have to watch him.)
He kept screwing up the satellite and I had to keep going in and fixing it, despite marking the right buttons with a red permanent marker. Finally I got SO MAD, I recall that I really though he was just being "stupid" and not listening to me. I made some snappy remark and grabbed it from his hand.
For the first time ever, I saw him cry. He turned over on his stomach with his head hiding in the pillow, and said oh I just cannot do anything and sobbed. Oh I remember how stunned I was. After comforting him I went outside, and had a very hysterical cry, I just could not stop. I even called my sister in Canada to calm me down.
It seems like such a silly reason to get so hysterical, but of course you all understand. Seeing that this was all truly REAL. Feeling like a big meanie wife abusing her husband. And to hear him crying, it was just all too much. Now, that he has changed so much, so quickly, I get it.
Love to each and every one of you, and just please remember, this is NOT YOUR FAULT, and that it is REALLY happening. Also, you are tired, you are sad, your heart is breaking, you are lonely. As hard as it is having him in a home, yes hard, I have to admit, my health is slowly improving and my emotions are not as crazy.
Such a sad story . But I'd guess we all have a similar one. When I was still in denial, my DH went to the bank and then later we could not find the money he withdrew. I kept asking him what he did after he got it at the teller's window. Every time he said he didn't know. I yelled "how can you not know where you went?" Finally, he slammed his fist on the counter and then went upstairs , sat in his chair and was Soo very sad and angry. THAT episode both terrified me as I now KNEW what I couldn't believe.
When I look back, I could go to a place of guilt. But I won't. I am doing my best. And yes, I am TIRED, SAD, HEARTBROKEN and LONELY.
Lorrie, I am guilty as charged! I answer my husband with impatience many times, I do feel some guilt, but not as much as I used to - I don't know if that's a good or bad thing! Sometimes, I feel totally heartless, & that's closer to the truth than you might think. I sometimes wonder if I've purposely hardened my heart as a protection against all of the hurt, sadness, nastiness (not trying to sound a professional there!). I don't know if my feelings of guilt are because of impatience with D. or because of my "heartlessness". Life sure gets complicated - golden years my Aunt Fanny!! :)
When it comes to patience it has all gone with this disease. In fact one big reason I placed him was because of my constant irritation, anger and frustration. Now that he is placed it is better but last night I called him and he went on for an hour talking in circles covering everything from "you need to get me out of here " to trying to lay on the guilt saying "you took the easy way out" to " I need to be with you all the time". I fell back into trying to reason with him which of course is pointless. I want to help my husband but the usual way of rational conversation is gone for good. I think the hardest thing for me is he does not comprehend what it has done to me. He is only focused on himself.
I have at least one of those circular conversations a day. While the total number of phone calls a day have dropped a lot, when she gets into the circular talking it is call after call. Not quite the same subjects as your husband but "I hate this place", "you need to move me somewhere else", "I hate the food", to complaints about me and random stuff. I listen as long as I can, sometimes put down the phone, sometimes just hang up. Fortunately she doesn't ask to move home. But she shares with your husband the focus on herself with no thought of my feelings or how her calls affect me
It seems to me that Alzheimer's is a very "selfish" disease, in that the person with the disease becomes very self-centered. Everything is about him (meaning my Dan), much like a small child demanding his way, pouting if he doesn't get it. I don't really think he's capable of understanding my feelings, or even concerned about them. Of course, he has no idea that there is anything going on with him, therefore would have no clue that anything he's doing or saying is upsetting to me. I have tell you that the other day, in the grocery store, he started his mocking me routine. I got right in his face & said very calmly & firmly that if he started that, I would smack him right here in the store. He stopped!!Of course, I wouldn't smack him in the store or anywhere else (not that I wouldn't like to sometimes!), but it worked! Probably makes me sound like a "bitchy old lady", which is what he has called me - hmmmm....maybe he's right! :D Talk about feeling guilty! But I can only take so much.....